I need to split up with him don’t I?

[fakegrassdisappointment]

I have been separated for nearly two years. My marriage was very abusive in every sense. Currently going through the divorce process.
My exH didn’t really spend any time doing things with me. So my bar is possibly quite low in terms of expectations in a relationship.
My friends talked me into online dating.
It was eye opening to say the least. Without sounding immodest, I had a lot of interest. I hit it off with one man in particular. Lots in common. He was long divorced. Respectful. Intelligent. 50/50 on children. Amicable with exW.
I've been seeing him for almost 6 months.
Initial 3 months or so, all good. Messaged often, saw each other 2 or 3 times a week. He would plan a cinema trip, I would plan a theatre trip, dinner at mine, dinner at his, one day trip near the beginning. Little gifts.
Then I got ill, not serious but enough for me to be off work for a few weeks. I hardly saw him. I did mention it and he claimed that as I had my daughter home from Uni, he didn’t want to intrude. (She was not here for the entirety of my illness). He never offered to visit.
I also have a very ill parent at the moment, things are stressful.
Even my 20 year old daughter gently commented on the fact that he hasn’t really “showed up” for me.
After 6 months, is it reasonable to expect some emotional support? Or just a bunch of flowers?
Or am I expecting too much at an early stage?

You’ve said yourself that your bar is quite low when it comes to the expectations of relationships.

My advice would be to work hard on your self worth and respect so you will accept nothing but the best for you.

Its good that you’ve been able to recognise this behaviour early, it’s how you choose to act now that matters.

Good luck.

Have a really good think about other aspects of your relationship . Has he been supportive and interested generally ? Personally when I had flu at Xmas I really wished my boyfriend would fuck off and leave me alone! But that’s just me. It’s your first rekationship post divorce it doesn’t have to be forever . If you go back to dating you will have a better understanding of what you want which can only be a good thing. Good luck

hmm tricky one really, maybe he doesnt view the relationship as far on as you do, and maybe he's just wanting to take things slower.

He may also just want to be your boyfriend, he doesnt want to be your carer, and the one to be at your beck and call when things are tough.

He probably showed up all through his marriage and now wants to put himself first.

You’re not in a good place emotionally to
date and your friends advised you wrongly to do so in my view. You are still in the process of divorce so that needs to finish completely too.

I would block this man from being able to contact you again. He is not that into you.

I would also suggest you now enrol yourself onto the Freedom program and spend some time on your own now to rebuild and restrengthen your all too low boundaries. Do this and consider counselling before you enter the dating pool. Be on your own for now, it’s better than being badly accompanied.

Yeah, honestly? Give him a swerve

Yes I would.

To add:

I’ve had counselling
I’ve done the Freedom Programme.
I have no problem with him putting himself first, I don’t need or want a carer. Just someone who cares about me.

And rightly so you should want/need/deserve someone who cares about you.

This is just a glimpse into the possibility of future scenarios. People go through huge health issues, mental health issues and countless problems in life and we all should have a partner who is there to pick up the slack, have our back and just be there when the time comes.

Your DD is right, it’s poor from him. Ditch: 6 months is more than long enough with a ‘fair weather’ fling type man like him.

How long had you been single and living apart from your ex before dating your boyfriend? If a short time some time being single seems the best plan.

Totally agree. I don’t think you sound anywhere near ready to date right now OP. He’s your rebound which is ok many of us have had one. You really need to spend time becoming happily single before you start dating after a LTR.

I strongly recommend d the freedom programme before you even think about dating again.

Your 6 months into a casual relationship. I wouldn't expect him to look after me.

I was 18 months out of marriage before dating.
I haven’t really spoken to him about how I feel apart from the mention of not visiting when I was ill.

i’m reflecting on the entire relationship now that I’ve started:
We’ve only been out during the day once, right at the start.
A lot of our dates involve cinema, he gets free tickets.
Most other things eg: theatre trips, a meal out have been at my suggestion, I’ve paid in the main as it’s been me inviting him I suppose. Especially so in recent weeks.
He will cook dinner at his, I bring dessert. If I cook dinner he arrives empty handed. He brought flowers the first time I cooked for him, but not since.
We stay in and watch TV/film often.

I guess I want more. I want good conversation, proper connection, days out.

How do I handle this? He’s not an awful person. I don’t really want to hurt him.

Since you have been ill, how often does he get in touch, and what happens when he does? Is there an emotional connection, does he seem concerned, talk about what you could do together once your better?

or is it mostly you initiating contact?

Frankly, I don’t think this relationship has legs. He got comfortable far too quickly and he doesn’t seem interested in a real relationship with you. I expect he just likes easy sex without investing much time or effort.

You can do better…

Ditch the fucker. He makes zero effort . You are not responsible for his feelings. Move on.

I am now completely recovered. I was ill for a few weeks May/June.
He is in regular contact. We see each other perhaps twice a week.
He has his children, 16 and 18, (probably more than 50% of the time) and doesn’t arrange anything with me when they are with him. which is fine, he was clear about this from the start.

I've previously mentioned us having a trip out on weekends. He didn’t bite. He has mentioned going away sometime. Nothing further.

Sounds tedious

If it's not working for you for whatever reason, you are absolutely allowed to call a halt. It can be as simple as something as not liking his shoes. You don't have to have a huge, deal-breaking reason to end a relationship.

You can just ask him out for a coffee and then gently tell him that it's not working for you any more and you want to stop seeing him. You can even text him if you want to.

A relationship doesn't have to be truly dreadful to not work for you, and you are allowed to not want it any more.

Glad you are feeling better! Please stop paying for the boyfriend. It sounds like he’s making hardly any effort at all so not surprised he hasn’t when you are sick.

He's not making an effort to woo you anymore. He is taking you on free cinema dates and the rest is up to you. I think you want and need more out of a relationship and he has run out of steam to be an interesting and caring guy. It will only get more and more boring from now on, and the honeymoon period lasted less than 6 months with this man. I don't blame you for wanting out. At our age and once you are out of a long marriage, the last thing you want is being with someone who makes the time together mundane.

Even if the rejection stings him a little initially, he’ll get over it. Just politely say you’ve enjoyed your time together but that it doesn’t feel quite right. No need to tell him your concerns as there’s not a chance a man set in his ways will suddenly step up.

He’s very dull and unimaginative isn’t he?
It will get worse.
He’s not better than nothing is he? He’s tight fisted.

Dump him before you invest anymore into him. Even your child is picking up the red flags!

Sounds like you are both compartmentalising your lives and I think that is ok when you have teenage kids and are not long out of marriages

Sounds like neither of you are ready to go all in

It just depends what you want, are you ok with companionship or are you needing a love story?

He doesn't sound bad at all, but you could use this moment to connect more deeply and improve communication

'Hey you know when I was ill a couple of weeks ago, it would have meant the world if you had dropped round to give me a hug / bring me flowers / spend some time.'

See how he responds, he might have wanted to but felt like you wanted space or had support covered already, or he might just be completely unaware that is the done thing... or he might just not be emotionally available.

Either way its a chance to understand each other more and figure out whether you are on the same page

And too much work.

If after 6 months, I found myself reflecting on all the ways, I didn’t really feel my BF was fully engaged/cared/made equal effort/held good conversation - basically wasn’t the person I thought I was getting then I think I would cut my losses ♥️

I love how succinct you are! 😂
Thank you.