I need to split up with him don’t I?

[fakegrassdisappointment]

I have been separated for nearly two years. My marriage was very abusive in every sense. Currently going through the divorce process.
My exH didn’t really spend any time doing things with me. So my bar is possibly quite low in terms of expectations in a relationship.
My friends talked me into online dating.
It was eye opening to say the least. Without sounding immodest, I had a lot of interest. I hit it off with one man in particular. Lots in common. He was long divorced. Respectful. Intelligent. 50/50 on children. Amicable with exW.
I've been seeing him for almost 6 months.
Initial 3 months or so, all good. Messaged often, saw each other 2 or 3 times a week. He would plan a cinema trip, I would plan a theatre trip, dinner at mine, dinner at his, one day trip near the beginning. Little gifts.
Then I got ill, not serious but enough for me to be off work for a few weeks. I hardly saw him. I did mention it and he claimed that as I had my daughter home from Uni, he didn’t want to intrude. (She was not here for the entirety of my illness). He never offered to visit.
I also have a very ill parent at the moment, things are stressful.
Even my 20 year old daughter gently commented on the fact that he hasn’t really “showed up” for me.
After 6 months, is it reasonable to expect some emotional support? Or just a bunch of flowers?
Or am I expecting too much at an early stage?

‘He’s not an awful person. I don’t really want to hurt him’

Ending the relationship, for any reason, doesn’t imply that he’s ‘an awful person’. His feelings might or might not be hurt, and if they are he’s an adult able to cope with life and concern for his possible thoughts/feelings tis not a good reason not to end the relationship.

Sounds like he’s made minimal effort.

Yes, it hasn’t passed me by that I’m pondering all of this far too much. It should be fun and easy at this point, shouldn’t it?

I think not showing up is understandable if he thought your child was there. As he wants space when he had his own children he would give you the same. However…..did he messsge you to check up and ask how you were? That would be the biggest sign more me whether someone actually cares for me or not

My child is a Uni student. Not there all the time, just over the bank holiday really. Apart from that I was alone.
He did message me, but didn’t offer to pop round or if I needed anything.
He was mildly ill a couple of weeks ago, I asked if he needed anything or if he wanted me to come round for a bit of company. This is what got me thinking.
As far as I was concerned it was more than casual, he said it was same for him.

He said it was ‘more than casual’, but didn’t act like it. (The things you list)

It’s all very low effort on his part, isn’t it? Don’t worry about hurting him. You can’t date someone just because you don’t want to hurt them. He’ll get over it soon enough. He doesn’t sound overly bothered.

And as a PP said: it doesn’t mean he’s awful. It just means the relationship isn’t right for you.

I’ve come across a thing about ‘matching his energy’ Try putting as much effort in as he is doing. I’d guess the whole thing will petter out in a week or so.

I LOVE matching energy

Sorry but he is showing who he really is. To not call over or even ask if you need anything is lousy. It’s been 6 months not 6 weeks. Actions speak louder
Feel better soon x

Depends on the illness maybe. Was it a contagious type? Maybe he’s just squeamish. But apart from that he’s not making much effort. I would let this one swim back into the shoal.

This is not a serious relationship OP. Well, not from his side anyway.

It is a nice to meet up with someone every now and then type of relationship. He is not going to call on you while ill, as it is just casual.

What struck me more is that your friends seemed to pressure you into joining up on the apps. Firstly, the apps are pretty hardcore these days and anyone feeling just slightly vulnerable, I would advise against signing up.

Secondly, is that you were only 18 months out of an abusive marriage before meeting him. That is no time at all, and my best bet is that it was way too soon.

Thank you everyone.
strangely when I saw him last, he suggested going out for a nice meal and drinks, unusual. I think he’s picked up on my vibes…
I guess now, I just have to tell him I’m done.
Face to face? By text? How does one do it these days? I’ve never dumped someone before!

Text or phone, not in person.
Don't overthink it.

Do people not do this face to face anymore? I thought that was the decent thing to do…

I am prone to overthinking.

Don’t over think it, don’t over explain.

You need to put yourself first.

As long as you’re respectful and polite that’s all you can do.

You come first.

I know this won't go down well, but freebie dates is ick inducing. Hasn't he paid for anything?

It’s a huge potential cocklodger red flag. Anyone of either sex who doesn’t put their hand in their pocket is a freeloader who should be dumped

Agree with this. My marriage wasn’t abusive at all but it still took me a couple of years to be completely ready to date again. Like many of us, I went into a rebound thinking I was ready but looking back, I wouldn’t have touched him with a bargepole had I been in a better clearer headspace

I would definitely expect him to call round, check on you, ask if you needed anything. It's not a great sign at all. At least you found out after only 6 months though, silver linings!

Thank you everyone.

He has paid for a few things, we’ve mostly gone to the cinema; he gets free tickets, wirh his broadband provider. He has paid for the odd meal out. However it was his turn last time, I suggested a restaurant, he suggested a takeaway.
I love a particular thing, he mentioned that it’s on locally and he’s entered a draw to win tickets. All I could think was “why didn’t you just buy the bloody tickets, they’re not expensive ?”
It’s entirely correct that this has given me the ick.

So I’ve messaged him. I’ve explained that I deserve more than the bare minimum. He’s promising to change. I’ve said it’s over. Even if he did make an effort I’d be waiting for him to revert and I can’t live like that.

Well done!

Sounds like the right step. Hope you are ok, take care

I met my now husband online. When we first started talking and were due to meet I got covid... he offered to visit me from 2 towns away and deliver any shopping they I may have needed at the time. I thanked him for the offer but didnt take him up on it. We started dating and within 3 months I ended up in hospital with appendicitis. I was in for 3 days waiting for surgery. He offered to look after my cat. My best friend did it but still the offer was there.

We've been together for 4 years and married for 5 months. He's always shown up for me when I've needed it and was a massive support when my sister died at Christmas (while my mum was in another hospital recieveing an organ transplant).

I'm not bragging. What I'm saying is find yourself someone who's willing to be there from the very beginning, even if you don't accept the help/support. It's good to know they will be there if and when you need them. As relationships should be.

It's not all once sided btw. There have been times he's needed my support too. Relationships don't work if they're one sided.

@CharlieUniformNovemberTango2023thank you! How lovely.
And this helps me see I’m not being unreasonable; I’ve been feeling a bit sorry for myself.
and I hope life is kinder now.