Page 3 | I need to split up with him don’t I?

fakegrassdisappointment · 2025-07-16T09:42:05+00:00

I have been separated for nearly two years. My marriage was very abusive in every sense. Currently going through the divorce process. My exH didn’t really spend any time doing things with me. So my bar is possibly quite low in terms of expectations in a relationship. My friends talked me into online dating. It was eye opening to say the least. Without sounding immodest, I had a lot of interest. I hit it off with one man in particular. Lots in common. He was long divorced. Respectful. Intelligent. 50/50 on children. Amicable with exW. I've been seeing him for almost 6 months. Initial 3 months or so, all good. Messaged often, saw each other 2 or 3 times a week. He would plan a cinema trip, I would plan a theatre trip, dinner at mine, dinner at his, one day trip near the beginning. Little gifts. Then I got ill, not serious but enough for me to be off work for a few weeks. I hardly saw him. I did mention it and he claimed that as I had my daughter home from Uni, he didn’t want to intrude. (She was not here for the entirety of my illness). He never offered to visit. I also have a very ill parent at the moment, things are stressful. Even my 20 year old daughter gently commented on the fact that he hasn’t really “showed up” for me. After 6 months, is it reasonable to expect some emotional support? Or just a bunch of flowers? Or am I expecting too much at an early stage?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/07/2025 08:23

He's a fair weather boyfriend

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/07/2025 08:23

Richiewoo · 16/07/2025 12:16

Your 6 months into a casual relationship. I wouldn't expect him to look after me.

If I was 6 months in and cared about the person I'd be bringing found food etc

Original poster

fakegrassdisappointment · 20/07/2025 16:22

Exchanged couple of messages with him on Friday and I’ve heard nothing else from him. And that’s ok.
So I guess it wasn’t much more than casual to him.
Thank you all.

OP posts:

outerspacepotato · 20/07/2025 16:29

You've been seeing him a few months and you are doing all the heavy lifting. It's very unbalanced. He seems to see it as a casual, occasional thing.

You're not going to get support from him.

SpinachSpinachMoreSpinach · 20/07/2025 17:17

I’d delete his number now - but don’t give him the satisfaction of blocking him. He is not important enough to warrant blocking - just don’t respond if he ever tries to message or breadcrumb you.

Original poster

fakegrassdisappointment · 20/07/2025 18:36

I’m slightly irked that he hasn’t even tried to woo me back. Which is ridiculous, as it is just more evidence that finishing it was the right thing to do.

OP posts:

Menopants · 20/07/2025 18:50

Onwards and upwards. It was a learning experience. Next time you will know what you deserve in a relationship. Fuck him

Original poster

fakegrassdisappointment · 20/07/2025 22:07

@Menopants thanks, hopefully you’re right!
My boundaries are non existent, need to work on those before I contemplate dating again.
Truthfully, I have had a bit of a cry today. Lonely.

OP posts:

Mauro711 · 21/07/2025 06:28

If you are feeling lonely I think you should put all your focus on making more friends now and forgetting about dating for a while. Being single and feeling lonely is the worst position you can be in as it will only lead to you accepting things you shouldn’t, and wouldn’t if your life was otherwise fulfilling.

Menopants · 26/07/2025 07:41

fakegrassdisappointment · 20/07/2025 22:07

@Menopants thanks, hopefully you’re right!
My boundaries are non existent, need to work on those before I contemplate dating again.
Truthfully, I have had a bit of a cry today. Lonely.

Sit with being lonely it’s ok and it will pass. Concentrate on yourself x

ConstitutionHill · 26/07/2025 08:10

Hmm, empty handed always when he comes for dinner is a bit telling. Why so worried about "hurting" him though? Does that mean you would carry on seeing him even though you don't want to, to avoid hurting him?

Original poster

fakegrassdisappointment · 26/07/2025 09:55

ConstitutionHill · 26/07/2025 08:10

Hmm, empty handed always when he comes for dinner is a bit telling. Why so worried about "hurting" him though? Does that mean you would carry on seeing him even though you don't want to, to avoid hurting him?

Yes! I did consider just carrying on with him. But I’ve realised that I deserve better.
I really do need to work on me a great deal more.
Have given myself a good talking to and will remain single for the foreseeable future.

OP posts:

Dozer · 26/07/2025 13:45

No need to have further contact with him - avoid!

Original poster

fakegrassdisappointment · 30/07/2025 01:21

Gosh, I miss him. Never thought I’d feel like this.

OP posts:

SpinachSpinachMoreSpinach · 30/07/2025 01:47

What exactly are you missing

Original poster

fakegrassdisappointment · 30/07/2025 02:36

Missing his company.
Reflecting on things and listening to other women’s experience of OLD. He is a complete Prince in comparison to some of the nightmares I’m reading about.
I’ve spent quite a long time on my own last week or two and it’s got to me a bit.

OP posts:

SortingItOut · 30/07/2025 04:43

What else do you have in your life? Job? Friends? Hobbies?

Its so hard to get used to being on your own after being married a long time but you can learn to love your own time but you also need to go out and do things and not be a hermit.

You need to make your life the best it can be before you start looking for someone else.

A partner should enhance your life and not be your life.

Highlighta · 30/07/2025 05:48

fakegrassdisappointment · 30/07/2025 02:36

Missing his company.
Reflecting on things and listening to other women’s experience of OLD. He is a complete Prince in comparison to some of the nightmares I’m reading about.
I’ve spent quite a long time on my own last week or two and it’s got to me a bit.

Just because others had it worse, does not change your situation OP.

What is contributing to you feeling like this because it's change and you are out of your routine. But this is your new normal now. Change some things up if you can, just do something different in your day so that something else is also a changed routine.

Don't backtrack now.

TwinklyPearlSwan · 30/07/2025 21:46

I’m not necessarily looking for advice however I need a place to write down how I’m feeling.

I have been with my husband for 14 years (married for 7) and I am struggling with my feelings. To begin with our relationship was amazing, we were inseparable and everything was so good. We had our daughter 8 years ago and then slowly things started to change. He was drinking more and spending less and less time with us and he really was not a nice person at all. He has always had a terrible temper but never has laid a finger on me or our daughter but has thrown things and been physical to other people. He had a racked up a LOT of debt and was constantly lying about it and I sat down with him and offered to help him sort it, which I thought I had but I now know he didn’t sort a lot of it and has ended up with a CCJ and lots of defaulted debts on his credit file.

A few years ago I found some minor flirty messages on his phone to a work colleague and when I confronted him he apologised and we moved forward. We then moved house and got new jobs and everything seemed great for a short while however after around 6 months or so the money problems were still there and he was still lying about it so we were arguing a lot. During the COVID lockdown I then noticed a change in him, not towards me but I knew something was off, so I checked his phone and found hundreds of messages (some quite sexual, some not) to a new work colleague spanning over at least 3 or 4 months and from the messages it seemed as though there had been something physical, although to this day I’m still not 100% if anything physical happened. Yet again, probably foolishly we used the rest of the lockdown to work on our marriage and things seemed to be going really good again.

Over the last 12 months or so things have become so so difficult for me, he is constantly being paranoid that I am going to leave him even when I have explained time and time again that I would not and that after everything he has put me through I have stayed loyal to him . I would just like to add that I have never even so much as looked at another man throughout our whole relationship. I do not go out anywhere unless it’s with him or family, I have no friends and anytime I want to do anything on my own it’s apparently because ‘I just want to get away from him’.

I joined the gym for some me time but now he has decided he wants to start coming with me too, I feel like I’m being suffocated and it’s really starting to push me away from him. He really is trying now to be a better husband but I’m beginning to fear that it’s too late and feel really guilty. He does still lie about things to me and I have suspected that he may have been or is taking drugs and he is friends with them types of people.

As bad as it may sound, part of me sometimes hopes he messages other women again as he knows there is no more chances and I could leave him guilt free 🙈 am I a terrible person? I know I could live my life without him but I don’t think he could live his life without me and I feel if I was to leave him and he was to do something stupid, then our daughter and his family would blame me.

Quitelikeit · 30/07/2025 22:17

at the end of the day what you are feeling now is absolutely normal - a little sad that something you liked has ended

breaking up is hard to do most of the time regardless of how right it is in the long term

what I would have liked to know is if he actually was financially comfortable? If he was then realistically his meaness was likely to continue and even get worse

either way be glad it happened and not sad it’s over

love happens when you least expect it!

just because there are worse men out there than him it doesn’t mean that he is great and the right fit for you

Original poster

fakegrassdisappointment · 30/07/2025 22:19

TwinklyPearlSwan · 30/07/2025 21:46

I’m not necessarily looking for advice however I need a place to write down how I’m feeling.

I have been with my husband for 14 years (married for 7) and I am struggling with my feelings. To begin with our relationship was amazing, we were inseparable and everything was so good. We had our daughter 8 years ago and then slowly things started to change. He was drinking more and spending less and less time with us and he really was not a nice person at all. He has always had a terrible temper but never has laid a finger on me or our daughter but has thrown things and been physical to other people. He had a racked up a LOT of debt and was constantly lying about it and I sat down with him and offered to help him sort it, which I thought I had but I now know he didn’t sort a lot of it and has ended up with a CCJ and lots of defaulted debts on his credit file.

A few years ago I found some minor flirty messages on his phone to a work colleague and when I confronted him he apologised and we moved forward. We then moved house and got new jobs and everything seemed great for a short while however after around 6 months or so the money problems were still there and he was still lying about it so we were arguing a lot. During the COVID lockdown I then noticed a change in him, not towards me but I knew something was off, so I checked his phone and found hundreds of messages (some quite sexual, some not) to a new work colleague spanning over at least 3 or 4 months and from the messages it seemed as though there had been something physical, although to this day I’m still not 100% if anything physical happened. Yet again, probably foolishly we used the rest of the lockdown to work on our marriage and things seemed to be going really good again.

Over the last 12 months or so things have become so so difficult for me, he is constantly being paranoid that I am going to leave him even when I have explained time and time again that I would not and that after everything he has put me through I have stayed loyal to him . I would just like to add that I have never even so much as looked at another man throughout our whole relationship. I do not go out anywhere unless it’s with him or family, I have no friends and anytime I want to do anything on my own it’s apparently because ‘I just want to get away from him’.

I joined the gym for some me time but now he has decided he wants to start coming with me too, I feel like I’m being suffocated and it’s really starting to push me away from him. He really is trying now to be a better husband but I’m beginning to fear that it’s too late and feel really guilty. He does still lie about things to me and I have suspected that he may have been or is taking drugs and he is friends with them types of people.

As bad as it may sound, part of me sometimes hopes he messages other women again as he knows there is no more chances and I could leave him guilt free 🙈 am I a terrible person? I know I could live my life without him but I don’t think he could live his life without me and I feel if I was to leave him and he was to do something stupid, then our daughter and his family would blame me.

I’m sorry you’re experiencing this.
You will probably get great advice if you make your own thread. However, if you just want a safe space to vent then welcome!
However, I have been through similar and I would strongly urge you to leave.
It’s not easy but life will be a lot better.
Punching walls etc is him showing what he could do to you, my ex did this and eventually he hit me and my DDs.
Threats to kill himself are another way of manipulating you. My ex did this too. Unfortunately he never went through with it. They hardly ever do.

OP posts:

Comtesse · 30/07/2025 23:15

You cooking dinner and him showing up empty handed. Ugh I wouldn’t miss that - what a cheapskate!

Enough4me · 30/07/2025 23:24

You're missing the idea of him.
Fill the space with freedom to eat what you want, go where you want, try new things. Go back on OLD and start to chat with new men but look at it as a way to meet lots of potential dates and it may work next time or may take 10, 20 more times...such is life!
(It worked for me after lots of dating, dumping, tears & trying again).

Highlighta · 31/07/2025 05:53

Enough4me · 30/07/2025 23:24

You're missing the idea of him.
Fill the space with freedom to eat what you want, go where you want, try new things. Go back on OLD and start to chat with new men but look at it as a way to meet lots of potential dates and it may work next time or may take 10, 20 more times...such is life!
(It worked for me after lots of dating, dumping, tears & trying again).

I really have to disagree with this advice.

The last thing OP should be thinking about is going onto OLD and meeting potentially new partners.

As per the old cliché, OP needs to focus on herself and get over this rebound relationship.