Soon to be ex has met someone

[whatisnext12]

We are in the process of separating. I am looking for a new place with me and my dc. The relationship has been bad for a long time, he’s not been really nice and I’ve dreamed of the moment I get to be free. So can someone please tell me why I am devastated he has now met someone. I cannot sleep, eat and filled with anxiety everyday. I honestly feel hurt heartbroken over his new relationship.

It’s understandable to feel that way. But look at it this way — he hasn’t changed. He’s still that horrible person you had to get away from. She might be getting the charming front but that will only last so long. If he hasn’t done any deep soul searching and therapy then he will just end up subjecting her to what he put you through. Concentrate on healing and setting up yourself for the future. You have a whole life to look forward to that doesn’t involve him anymore. Let him bury his head in his new rebound relationship as it’s unlikely he’s learnt any lessons from the breakdown of your relationship if he’s willing to get into something else so quickly.

If his bad treatment of you came on quite suddenly there is also the possibility that he met her while you were still together and treated you poorly to justify his cheating.

OP, look it this way, he is not your problem anymore and he is going to put his energy, bad mood etv somewhere else. You need to go out and dance in the street to celebrate.
You are felling like that because of the attachment. Give yourself time to heal and dance in street even just a couple of steps to celebrate your freedom.

You’re heartbroken over the end of the life you once expected to have with him. Growing old together with your family around you etc. You are grieving that life that will now not happen. It doesn’t mean you still want him as an individual. Take time to grieve and eventually you will find that although your life will be different it doesn’t have to be worse x

Thanks for replying. I just hate this part of a breakup because I know I will have months of feeling like this. I know it won’t feel like this forever. I have notes on my phone if how he’s been over the years to me. I need to go through and read it

Reframe it and feel sorry for the new partner having to put up with your ex!

That’s a good idea actually. He’s a good dad but a terrible partner. Just wish I could get rid of this feeling. I know the early days of a new relationship will be all happy and lovely. But he can be a nightmare, with putting me down about how I look, what I wear, what I eat and what I watch. Think this next period is about focusing on me and my dc’s.

The fact he has moved on so quickly too just sums him up.

your time will come….

It’s not about me wanting to meet someone. Because he has actually put me off being in a relationship again. But I think it’s the fear of being left. I will hopefully look back on this thread in a years time and think, how happy I am.

My guess would be that you fear that he will have the life with this person that should have been yours. That he will love her and treat her well and that he didn't do that for you because you were the problem.

But it's not true you know. He will, in time, treat her just as badly. If she stays around. And he does so not because of who you are or who she is but because he is fundamentally empty. He walks and talks like a real boy but the truth is, all that's in there is dark and cold and nothingness.

He'll repeat his cycle indefinitely trying to brighten his world by stealing the light and joy of others. It's sad really.

But moreso for his victims.

You are lucky to be free. And you will come to feel that way in time.

You know what, you have hit the nail on the head. I do fear they will have the life I wanted with him and my kids. He says I am such a bad person and I am not. I have had to do it all over the years. Look after the kids, washing, cleaning and cooking. All whilst holding down a job. I know he was the main earner paying all the bills but because I had to go part time, I paid the nursery and whatever extra food shopping we needed. Which always amounted to around £100 a week. I know it’s bad me being with him but the thought of him being with someone else is killing me. I don’t want to be with him but he’s saying I am this and that and nice on the outside to everyone else. But behind closed doors I am not. But behind closed doors I have chores and kids to look after. Whereas he’s doesn’t. Sorry for going on.

They always paint you as the bad guy to others to try justify their own nasty behaviour.

Anyone who knows you and loves you will take what he says for the bullshit it is. And anyone else - doesn't really matter.

Just laugh incredulously or roll your eyes when you hear people say what he has been saying and go "gosh that man sure talks a lot of shite. Let's change the subject". Don't go into too many details, just let people work out for themselves what he is. And they will in time.

Don't get caught up in trying to convince him you are a good person. He actually knows that already. He just wants you stuck trying to convince him of it. Because if you spend all your time and energy looking inwards and trying to prove yourself, you aren't seeing him for the lowdown snake that he is.

He wants you to feel 'not enough'. Because HE is not enough.

Thank you. I appreciate your advice. It’s really helpful. The thing is, everyone knows what he is like. But I think it’s just come as a shock to the system as I wasn’t expecting him to meet someone until after the move. Haven’t slept again tonight. So came to do some work on my laptop.

The notes on your phone is a brilliant idea.
You will get through this OP and be sooo much happier on the other side .

You are grieving an image you had of a relationship that doesn’t exist.

Let them.

Be kind to yourself X

He’s doing it to hurt you. Did he tell you? You didn’t need to know. He could have waited until it was serious or you were no longer living together. Don’t let him see it bothers you as he will just rub it in your face more.

Just remember she will hate that he is still living with you too.

I saw a Facebook reel once that said if you want to know what’s what in a relationship that breaks up, look at which one gets a glow-up and which one leaps straight into another relationship.

I would suggest getting your living situation moved on from being in the same house and that glow-up you deserve can start. Try not to ruminate - overly focus on these sad thoughts you have. Rumination sucks you into a vortex of sadness and depression. There is no resolution to be found in those thoughts. Techniques I have been thought to deal with them include labelling them, giving a set amount of time to them and have lost of thoughts ready to skip onto that lift your mood. Take care.

Thank you so much. I spent most of the night reading through the notes. I even wrote that once I get away from him I will be so much happier. Yet here I am, an emotional wreck

I found out because he took our children away for a few days and met her whilst there. It was my eldest son who said he was with this woman and she came with them to all the days out. They spent all the time together. So I looked through his phone and seen the messages. He confessed that he really likes her and wants it to progress

Thank you @CrocodileFears

Despicable behaviour introducing her to your children without prior warning and agreement. It’s just another thing to add to the list. Terrible thing for a father to do to their kids who are still coming to terms with separation. I hope your kids are ok.

Yeah the kids are fine. He insisted nothing happened whilst they was there, but there is a mutual attraction. But I think my son picked up on something happening for him to have told me. He has turned nasty on me saying I reap what I sow. He really is a horrible man and I kick myself for even allowing him to make me feel like this.

Poor woman. She got the best behaviour, what a nice guy looking after the kids etc.

You know the truth about him. So will she.

But warning her will put you firmly into the 'crazy ex' box. And as he's still there, it could put you in danger.

Hard though it is, it will accelerate you being free. And getting on with your life.

I was really happy he took them away as he doesn’t do anything with them here. So she must think she’s hit the jackpot with him.

I won’t contact her because of being labelled that. And in a way it probably is a blessing because I will make me heal faster

100 % sympathy op as I have ( and am still going through this) . My ex is now with someone who was actually a bit in my confidence about how horrible he was to me so i am really struggling with what she is doing also.

I pour my heart out to copilot ( AI) it’s lovely…. Give it a try.

I echo what others say … we don’t want them but it’s the anxiety that they will have good relationship with the new person and therefore we were actually the problem… just like they kept telling us .

its funny cause I read your post and I 100% know your ex will be a twat to new Girlf soon but can I reassure myself that mine will be? Nope. My head keeps playing the happy ever after scenario for them .

good luck op

He walks and talks like a real boy but the truth is, all that's in there is dark and cold and nothingness.

I means some of you are going a bit far. Dark and cold nothingness is all that's inside him. Where on earth did you get that from?!

Being able to move on and meet someone else is literally the point of breaking up. Yes, it's rubbish. Yes, it's hurtful. Yes, it's upsetting. No, he shouldn't have introduced the kids. But painting him is some kind of empty monster who's never going to be able to have a real relationship, I don't think that's likely.

Imo people are often completely different in relationships with different people. It's why some relationships work and some don't.

It will take time, and she's acknowledged.It will take time and a year from now.Shall be in a much better place.

You’re bound to feel hurt. When my first husband met someone new I cried for what felt like forever. It was a double whammy when she got pregnant with a girl and I’ve always wanted a girl (never got one) His family hadn’t had a girl in about 3 generations so I was shocked.

Anyway, I got over it. Now, I’m happily remarried and barely give him a thought 🤷‍♀️ I read a saying once that made me laugh. I’m paraphrasing here but it was basically ‘If you’re having a bad day, think of the woman who’s married to your ex and what she’s going through’ 😂 😂