Soon to be ex has met someone

[whatisnext12]

We are in the process of separating. I am looking for a new place with me and my dc. The relationship has been bad for a long time, he’s not been really nice and I’ve dreamed of the moment I get to be free. So can someone please tell me why I am devastated he has now met someone. I cannot sleep, eat and filled with anxiety everyday. I honestly feel hurt heartbroken over his new relationship.

He may be a completely different person with his new woman. That's the problem. It's tempting to think that your ex will be exactly the same with everybody but often it's just you were fundamentally incompatible. The same issues might not be there with the next person.

Exes don't behave exactly the same towards the next person. Because this new person will be a whole other person with a load of different traits with her personality.

She probably will bring the best out in him. But I always remember when we first got together and we was saying why it didn’t work out with our exs. And he said his ex told him, being with him was hell on earth. That’s always stuck in my head. But hopefully he will be nicer with this one. It just hurts at the minute

You still went out with him after he told you what his ex said?

I've had a fair few breakups and so has my partner. Nothing major. Just not right for each other. Nothing abusive. No huge fallouts. Just an acceptance they were not right for each other and part ways.

If my partner had told me that his ex said he was hell on earth to be with... I'd think twice about that.

He said it as in a joke. And it wasn’t until a couple of years in I thought he wasn’t joking when he said that. Because he is actually hell on earth. As the years passed and things happened, emotional abuse for a start which was most days. I thought wow this is now my hell on earth. Hence why we are in the process of separating.

Why do you think it will be different with her? Do you think he has introspected on his behaviour and realised he was the issue and taken steps to change? Or has he just replaced you and assumed it was a you problem? Just like he joked it was an ex problem to you?

It’s hard to see it when you have emotions involved and he has done a number on your self esteem but he’s not a good guy and he can only mask that for a while before the red flags start. If she puts up with them that’s on her. You will have a peaceful life while she’s in hell on earth.

He openly tells me he will be so much happier without me. That I drag him down on a daily basis. I don’t btw, I just vent because I have a full time job, I do all the school drop off and pick ups. Cleaning, washing cooking. So I am just burnt out. I know I am not a bad person to be with. But at this moment I truly feel like I have been a terrible partner. I think the lack of sleep is not helping the situation. And I’m not eating.i just wish I could click my fingers and it will be a year ahead

Well, what you know, from all of this is that you are a decent person.

You are a highly capable person. You are able to work full-time and look after your children really well and be a great mum. You also keep your home clean and everybody looked after.

That's a lot on your plate, and it's amazing that you can manage all of that by yourself.

You're going to be absolutely fine.You just don't realise it yet. I also absolutely hate this stage of the breakup. When you can't stop thinking about them and it consumes your every waking moment.

If my partner had told me that his ex said he was hell on earth to be with ... I'd think twice about that

I think you've contradicted both of your own previous posts by this comment. One minute you're saying that the ex and any other relationships he's in would be different, then you imply that the OP should've run for the hills when he told her what his ex had said to him.

OP, you've had a lucky escape by not being saddled for years to come with that abusive arsehole. Your children would've grown up believing that it's ok for a man to be emotionally abusive, and they could've gone on to have unhealthy relationships themselves because of his influence.

He will NOT be different with how he treats his new partner (or any subsequent partners) to how he was with you, as he clearly doesn't respect women. He'll be the best thing since sliced bread for a while with his partner, but his mask will slip once he's got her hooked, you can be sure of that.

Abusers don't stop being abusive regardless of who they're with. They just hide their true selves for a while that's all.

Thank you both for your encouraging words. We are strangers but they comfort me. I don’t have anyone to talk to, but I don’t want to talk about it to anyone until I have dealt with it.

That was one of my main reasons about splitting is I don’t want my children to think this is a normal relationship. We was due to go abroad for a wedding a couple of years ago and he booked his ticket and not mine. Saying I wasn’t allowed to go. I should have left then, but i ploughed on thinking it will work out. A lot of my friends at the time were disgusted. As much as it hurt me, because it did. I spent the weekend crying. I just put it to the back of my mind and carried on when he got back.

Every time you feel down about him remember events such as the wedding he didn't 'allow' you to go to. I mean WTAF, he's really worn you down to accept every shit thing he does to you.
He's not only abusive but selfish and controling too.

It'll take time but you'll eventually get your confidence and self esteem back and you'll honestly be able to see him for the lowlife he is.
For now, document all you can, if and when he's abusive etc , as he could decide to go for 50% custody of your children, not because he'd want them, but because he'd want to upset you and not be liable for child maintenance.

You want to be able to show any court he MAY try to take you to that your children are better off full-time with their mum.

I have accepted so much horrible behaviour from him. And it wasn’t until I have been reading through my notes that dates back to 2017 I think what the hell. But it doesn’t make me feel relieved about everything thats happening. I hope it doesn’t come to that with the kids. But I will still keep documenting everything. We aren’t married, and the house we have both our names was on the mortgage. However he said I won’t be getting a penny as he paid the mortgage. But I have paid nursery fees for the past 3 years totalling to around £40000. I don’t know where I would stand with that

So what if he paid the mortgage, you were looking after HIS children! and working!
My ex tried that old chestnut, we weren't married either, but my name was on the deeds so I was entitled to half the equity in the house.

You're best to get legal advice, you should be able to find some free half hour drop in clinics, you'll feel better once you know where you stand financially.

I need to find out if I am on the deeds. I have a feeling I am not. But I was definitely on the mortgage as it shows on my credit file. He has paid this off now so nothing is owing on the house. But I have paid towards nursery, food shop, window cleaner. But I have looked after the house and kids.

I felt this way when my ex : baby daddy moved in with a woman. It really made me doubt myself and wonder why I hadn't (I was looking after our baby that's why!!)

I don't feel that way any more now and I felt revolted seeing his new bumble profile posiing topless in a mirror selfie

Even bad habits are hard to break, you need to grieve the relationship, even if it wasn't good, just allow yourself to feel a bit shit and then move on. Things will get better once you feel you have your life separated properly from him I'm sure

Well that's just bullshit, you're married so a judge will decide how those assets are split, not your ex.

The OP isn't married

Just look at this way, he's her problem now!. You, ll go on to have a wonderful life without him belittling you holding you back. Good luck moving forward lovely. 💐

Yeah we are not married. I just hate feeling like this. I’m pacing the house up and down. I know I will have another sleepless night

Thanks you @Beaverbridge

Do you have evidence you were on the mortgage?

It still shows on my credit file. But I’m sure I can find a letter or ask the bank for a copy of the letter

Ahh, I missed that part, sorry OP

It’s ok, he always said he would never marry me. I just still feel devastated. Even though I know this is for the best. Just a shock to the system I guess.