Not sure what to make of this

[OneWiseBlueSheep]

I'm a bit worried about my husband, I said "oh I can't wait for X to get here (my niece) Everything is about to change!" She is due around xmas and we until this point have the only biological grandchildren to my parents.
He said nothing changes fundamentally in our lives
I said well, it does... Having a niece is a HUGE change, I asked him surely if your closer sister had a kid he would love that child so much
He said no I already have a nephew and I feel nothing. (He lives rather far away but still?!)
I said okay, well I will treasure my niece and you will need to get onboard here, as it could hurt my brother and sister in law, this kind of behaviour.
He replied "No I simply do not care, it does not bother me one bit."
He had a very, very rough childhood to be fair on my husband, but this worries me deeply.

I have no nieces or nephews but my husband does. He is fond of them, happy to give birthday presents etc. We see them around once a month or so. Apart from that we rarely mention them. They don't affect his life much. Certainly their arrival wasn't life changing for him.

This display of apathy cannot be the first ever incident you have seen. What other situations and events have you seen it, and did his rough upbringing involve abuse?

Is your husband prone to hyperbole? Is he a bit dramatic, but then when words convert to action/inaction they do not align?

I'm sorta sense checking here that this is socially normal 😅 I have no idea
Sounds fair enough really, I guess some people just aren't as connected as others (I am on the spectrum)

My husband was severely abused yes and he does lack empathy but it is usually directed towards his own parents. He says what he means.

This varies massively between families. Some people are close to their nieces and nephews and some aren't at all.

He just can't relate to how you feel as your backgrounds are so different. I feel sorry for him that he didn't have a close, loving family and doesn't understand how these work and how enjoyable they can be.

You don't mention that he has ever been unkind to your family so I wouldn't worry about him, it's just a case of different experiences. It doesn't mean that he won't be kind to your niece when she arrives.

Well saying you feel nothing for your nephew is quite extreme but your response seems quite extreme too. I love my niece and was very excited about her arrival but life changing? Not really, certainly not in the way thst becoming a parent is.

If you are from.a close family then your sister having a child will be a significant event.
Personally I experienced emotional neglect as a child and have a very difficult relationship with my family as an adult. So really I have very little to do with my nieces and nephew.
So I totally understand your H's point of view on this. But that doesnt mean you can't take pleasure in your new niece.

I’m obsessed with my 3 niblings and have been since they’ve been bored but I def wouldn’t deceive it as life changing - for me that’s the benefit of being an aunt!!!

Deceive? Sorry?

Yes, my emotional responses are probably not normal or average because of my ASD

Has he been in therapy for this, and does he still have a relationship with his parents? Was it physical, emotional, sexual, or a combo, and have his parents made amends for the wrongs they committed?

Does he display apathy for your feelings in other situations? What about your children together? Does he cross boundaries that are unhealthy or abusive himself? Abuse in families is typically repetitive generation to generation, especially if there has never been therapy.

Only therapy was CBT for his eating disorder when he was a toddler as he was severely burned... No EMDR, no interpersonal therapy. It was physical, mental, emotional, financial, not sexual, they have never made amends. He is emotional around me, err it is difficult to recall 14 years of relationship history but yeah I'd say he has moments of apathy towards stuff in our lives. He doesn't cross boundaries or anything, he has a very strong will and basically uses his childhood as a blueprint of what not to do.

Personally think that “everything is about to change” is way OTT. I wouldn’t be quite as disinterested as your husband, but I understand why he isn’t on board with your excitement and professing love for someone else’s baby who isn’t yet born.

Describe!

And born not bored!

I would encourage him to go through talk therapy, and they will evaluate whether the EMDR and other things will be helpful. It is good that he recognizes the abuse and shortcomings of his parents, and claims that this is a blue-print for how not to parent. However, there are things he needs to work through, and failing to do so will continue to impact his and your life, as well as the lives of your children. What appears as apathy may, in fact, be more closely linked to misdirected anger that has nothing to do with your side of the family. I would encourage him to seek further treatment and help, but make sure that you thoroughly research and get a good therapist. A bad one can do more harm than good.

Thank you, I've been trying to get him to go for a decade lol he won't - I won't give up though

This. Having a niece isn’t a ‘HUGE’ change in your lives, well not unless there is a massive backstory and you are going to raise the child. Otherwise he is correct, nothing fundamentally changes in your lives.

Maybe you are going on about it a bit? It really won't/shouldn't affect your life very much unless they are going to live with you. I'm sure you will be a great auntie and will love your niece a lot, and it is lovely your children will have a cousin, your sister's life will certainly change massively but why should yours? Perhaps your DH is trying to reduce your expectations from this new addition.

I wouldn't find the arrival of a nephew or niece very interesting.

I love my niece like I love my two sons x

I think it depends on the relationship you have with your siblings. My sister and I are very close, despite a large age gap. We speak nearly every day and she was there immediately after DS was born (literally after I’d gone into recovery for an emergency c section). She loves her nephew and sees him a lot.

DH on the other hand has two brothers. His brothers have only met DS (who is now 2.5) a couple of times. They’re just not close, in fact I don’t think he even has their numbers saved into his phone. They probably feel similarly toward DS as your husband does about his niece (apathy) but it doesn’t seem out of the ordinary to me because they’ve never had a close relationship in the 8 years we’ve been together.

NGL I feel a bit weird now :/

Thanks all, I'm just gonna close this down.