Not sure what to make of this

[OneWiseBlueSheep]

I'm a bit worried about my husband, I said "oh I can't wait for X to get here (my niece) Everything is about to change!" She is due around xmas and we until this point have the only biological grandchildren to my parents.
He said nothing changes fundamentally in our lives
I said well, it does... Having a niece is a HUGE change, I asked him surely if your closer sister had a kid he would love that child so much
He said no I already have a nephew and I feel nothing. (He lives rather far away but still?!)
I said okay, well I will treasure my niece and you will need to get onboard here, as it could hurt my brother and sister in law, this kind of behaviour.
He replied "No I simply do not care, it does not bother me one bit."
He had a very, very rough childhood to be fair on my husband, but this worries me deeply.

I think this varies from family to family. I’ve got a really close knit family and my sister is like a second mum to my LO, she uses annual leave to take him out for the day, she knows what he likes and dislikes, FaceTimes him multiple times a week. But I appreciate this isn’t the norm for everyone and could be quite overbearing for some, if you want to be close to the new baby then go for it, babies sometimes have a way of melting certain peoples stoney hearts once they’re here and he might change his tune.

OP please don't feel weird! I'm NT and when my niece was born it changed my whole life! A little bundle I loved immediately. Don't feel bad, everyone's family is different. I think the extent to which it matters to you is very much a reflection of your relationship with your family. I adored my niece when she was born and I still do and always will but I'm super close to my family.x

When she arrived, my niece was absolutely the person I loved and felt most protective over in the world and as my wider family has grown my brothers daughters remain some of the most important people in my world.

I think your reaction is totally normal

But I do acknowledge thats due to the relationship I have with my brother and the time I invested in the girls and without all that bonding I mightnt feel the same

Do you think there’s an element of him making an extreme statement in response to your extreme statement?

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being excited about becoming an auntie. I certainly was! But maybe he found the whole “Our lives are young to change FOREVER!!” thing a bit much, and went to the opposite extreme - so his “I’m really not that bothered” became “I feel nothing”. I can imagine someone doing it almost out of belligerence.

I adore my own children but don’t particular like children more widely. My nephews fall into the latter camp. They don’t enhance my life and I don’t really have strong positive feelings for them.

Perhaps a bond will grow in time? It’s difficult for some people to imagine a bond that they don’t yet feel. If you both spend a fair bit of time with her and play a large role in her life, then that closeness will come in time.

I’m with him. Unless you’re planning to provide care for this child constantly, whilst it’s a change and will have some effect on you (shared grandparent care presumably, no monopoly), I am not sure what you’re expecting here? He’s not excited and that is okay?

It was definitely huge for me when my nieces and nephews were born. I adore them and they me. I’m NT by the way. However I think it very much depends on your family dynamics. If you’re a close family then obviously it’s going to be more impactful.
It’s your side of the family so I don’t think it’s unusual for your husband to feel less than you about the prospect of auntie/unclehood.
I hope you enjoy being an auntie as much as I have

They mean describe surely

It depends on your family dynamic. I’m very close to my sister emotionally and geographically 😂 and our DC have grown up together, playing together, been at school together. (Now XH and I) had lots of practice with my nephew before becoming parents, so it was significant to me. DP doesn’t see his brothers much and cares about his nephews but doesn’t see much of them.
Your H does sound very detached and would undoubtedly benefit from therapy, but he will need to accept that for himself.

It's the sort of thing where you're expecting someone else to feel as you do, at the very same time.

You and your partner will have different relationships with the niece.
Yours may be instantaneous whereas his might grow over time.
Again, could be ups and downs over the years or be bare minimum.

Nothing wrong either way.

ah, okay, I do this a lot, I do not really know how other people feel and find it very hard to have theory of mind.

I simply do not see my statement as extreme but fair play.

It's a journey OP, I wasn't close at all to my nieces and nephews when they were younger, but closer now.

I have friends who have no relationship with theirs, not even sending a birthday or Christmas card.

He'll forge his own relationship.

If my BIL was that excited about my dc being born, saying he’s going to treasure them and it’s going to change his life, I would think it was extremely weird.

Thai made me chuckle because I feel exactly the same! And I'd be a bit worried about the new aunt/uncle muscling in and trying to take over!

I love my niece and cried when I first held her. I felt like I loved her the same as my two children. My DH is indifferent really.
However she's not even my biological niece, she's my DH's sister's child!

So maybe it's a male thing, I don't know. If it helps my DH also has less empathy than the average person due to suspected ASD.

They have a really cute relationship now, she's a young teen and they kinda tease each other and gang up on sil!

Edited to add, I love her but wouldn't describe her arrival as life changing. Our lives didn't really change, except we'd visit and hold a baby.

So you really feel the arrival of a niece will change your life forever?

I'm AuDHD, I think you could be like me where I think people will think/feel the same as I do, and I find it hard to understand how they can think differently. However, I'm not that close to my nephew, nowhere near like I am to my own DC. I feel like my parents are very close to him, but I feel the same about him as I do about my cousins, aunts etc which is I guess close to a friend feel.

You and your DH have both had an extreme reaction to having a niece, but at different ends of the spectrum. You are beyond excited and he couldn't care less.

Don't let him dim your excitement and joy at having a niece and a cousin for your children. Hopefully, he will find it harder to be indifferent to a real life baby.

wow cool I'll go hide in a hole now, way to make me feel like a complete freak

thanks all, I think I'll go reflect in therapy why I'm this way. Fuck me. I'm so done with the internet.

To be fair I can’t say I have any particular feelings for my niece and nephew. I send them a card and see them twice a year but I can’t say they changed my life.

I’m not sure it’s worth dwelling on so much. He doesn’t prevent you from hosting your niece, does he?

I don’t think anyone has said anything cruel or offensive to you? They have just been explaining that not everyone would feel their lives would change immediately with the birth of a niece/nephew but it’s ok if you think yours might. Neither you or your DH are wrong.