wrong man for me - how to separate?

[ArmAnALeg]

I am in my mid 40s, married, with a primary school aged child.

Changed my user name for this. Thought about putting it under “sex” but as it’s lack of sex that is the whole problem, “relationships” it is.

At home I have a glacially-cold marital bed. It has been like this for many years. I have slowly and now surely come to the realisation that for me life is too short and also too long for no sex at all. Zero. Nada.

My husband doesn’t yet know this is my final feeling. He will find it harrowing when I tell him the marriage can’t go on.

As the last years wore on and my DH showed no signs of relating to me sexually I slowly stopped wanting to do anything of the kind with him. And can’t go back now. I didn’t lose desire altogether - I just don’t project mine onto him.

My questions:

• how do you recommend breaking the news that you want to separate to someone you love - but whose clothes you would now prefer remain on - and who will be very surprised you feel this way - what is the kindest, gentlest or clearest way? Or are they all equally difficult? I want him to be happy and fulfilled in years to come.

• if you dated or were married to someone (perhaps assuming you are heterosexual for this question) where the sexual intimacy and then the female - male polarity just went MIA altogether, and where you called a permanent halt to the relationship / marriage because of it, what was and is life like on the other side for you both? Was it worth taking the leap back into singledom for?

I love my single life. And in a relationship nothing better than mind-blowing sex.

Boring as fuck to live with a man who is not interested in a fabulous sex life.

Hope you find it OP.

Thanks. There are good, even great, parts of being in my marriage. But if I leave it (stay in it) any longer as it is, I feel I will regret it.

I would guess your DH is less surprised than you think if the atmosphere has been glacial in bed for years. However I still think the reaction will inevitably be there, with most likely some hurt or anger thrown in (men cover up hurt with amger). Maybe the best way to bring this is up is together with a good marriage counsellor.

My sister had 5 years of no sex with her ex with whom she had 2 kids 4 and 8 at the time. After a short bout in hospital (operation for her), she asked him if he was happy (as in, in the marriage) and he burst into a rant of how she was x, y and z (awful things) and promptly refused any marriage counselling. He moved out quite soon after. He would have probably not brought up the topic for years otherwise.

People are surprising. They sit on stuff.

Surely he won't be surprised?

Just talk to him respectfully and calmly. No one wants to be told they are being left - for whatever reason. He probably won't take it well and the separation and divorce will be traumatic, there's no getting away from that. But if you don't want to be married to him any more you've got to face up to the difficult process of divorce.

OP, how do you think your DH would react if you said that.due to lack of sex at home, you would be looking elsewhere? Many men have a mistress: would he prefer you to take a lover than to break up your marriage? I’m sure your DC would prefer their parents to stay married. If you love him and are happy to live with him, it might be a compromise.

Good and confronting question. I have asked him this. He is absolutely not on board with it as an idea.

I read Too Good to Leave.. recently, and the author mentions that sex not working is often a symptom of other things - ways of communicating? - having broken down and in my experience that’s also true. Absence of sex is not just absence of sex, it’s also absence of a range of emotional intimacy..

I am very sad for our child but then I also don’t want to model a numb sexless relationship I’m not happy with either.

It feels very unreal to be thinking about separating, even though we have tried counselling and talking etc.. Your sister’s story has helped me. How was/ is she after she left him? Her ex going on a long rant about how awful she was after she’d just out of hospital…. pick your moment, pal!

My friend from work had a sexless marriage for 15 years. We all thought she had a wonderful marriage. He was having an affair for all that time, he couldn't even give her a child. Why the hell she stayed we have no idea.
It broke her.

Bumping for any last ideas from people in the forum this morning on how you talk to someone who is completely unprepared for an existential chat on their marriage and will see it as being out of the blue.

I think you just have to.say it but not in a blaming way. A factual- this is what is wrong, we have tried to fix it by this, it hasn't worked, now it's time to end the marriage.

You can leave a relationship for any reason OP. I think just be clear and honest as to where you are so he knows exactly where he stands. Clearly he knows already you aren’t happy in a sexless marriage but hasn’t take any steps to resolve this, so he may be expecting it to end?
also I think it’s unfair that he doesn’t want sex but won’t let you open up the marriage.

I have just been through this.

Married a man when I was very young. Our sex life had always been terrible, and I sometimes would cry myself to sleep thinking ... is this it? Is this what life is for me? I loved my husband, but I started to think of him more as a lodger and nothing more.

Neither of us undressed in front of the other. We slept in the same bed, but zero contact, and in the end, I was totally glad as I didn't see him as someone I wanted to have sex with anymore. In fact, over time the thought repulsed me.

I ended up sitting down with him. I told him I was unhappy and I suspected he was too. He did offer me an 'open marriage' as the thought of losing me terrified him. But I wasn't interested in this. I just wanted a separation.

He cried, he begged, he tried .... but I knew it was over and so did he.

We separated earlier this year, and I think because we were sensible and we discussed everything, we have remained as friends.

I’ve also just been through this, married quite young and the sex dried up a long long time ago. Spent years and years doing this or that to try and keep it going and improve things. By the end it was awkward, we slept in the same bed fully clothed and didn’t touch. The number of holidays we went on where he never came near me the entire time. By the end it was weird even going out for a meal together. The whole thing romantic relationship died and we separated earlier this year.

I framed it as a conversation about whether this was still a marriage at all, and said from my point of view we had no romantic relationship and I thought we should seperate. He agreed but really there was no way he could disagree as it was just the plain facts of the situation.

I was where you are for years and finally willed myself to have to conversation. I can’t lie, dealing with the fall out is terrible. It’s unpicked a whole load of therapy worthy issues about self worth from being in a dead marriage for so long. That said, I have found myself a lovely friend with benefits and having sex with someone who desires me is a revelation, even if also slightly terrifying after being so unloved for so long.

OP,
If you think the cause for lack of sex is lack of emotional connection, would you be willing to change your own behaviours to gradually increase the sense of connection between you?

Because this is a valid solution to the problem that is seemingly rarely taken. It is possible to one sidedly catalyse improvement in a failing relationship, although the other person will need to eventually join in.

I took this approach instead of splitting up and am much happier as a result. The upside of it all is becoming a secure person within yourself with or without your current partner. We are still together but we choose it rather than feeling obliged.

Here a website with some ideas of what to work on

Relationship Wisdom

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I don't have advice, I'm afraid, other than to try Google. I found this: https://divorcestrategiesgroup.com/how-to-tell-your-spouse-you-are-leaving/

My sister and him divorced. 8 years later she is still single. The children are both girls and live with her and her ex comes round to cook for the kids 3 times a week at her house and pays generous maintenance. He has a new partner and it is very on and off as he has a lot of unresolved issues.

He's a bundle of untreated anxiety, depression and all the negativity that goes with that. She is frankly better off without him, I think. She is a much happier person but is sometimes lonely. She keeps herself very busy with sociable hobbies.

She has worked hard on the things he accused her of, some of which she acknowledged as valid failings on her part. I think she would make a good partner to someone now but it's not easy to find what she's looking for in her 50s.

I will look at the link. And saying that I already know I have done all I can to increase emotional connection on my terms or his. If anything I have done too much and have depleted my own residual stores of goodwill, self respect and confidence. I tried so hard that connection then became just about making him happy and keeping him from being angry and that’s just co-dependency.. and when you wind up mothering your own husband in this way and don’t get any adult recognition back of what you are doing or why, or what your own reciprocal goals, needs, agency or wishes are … you move even further away from wanting to have sex with the other person.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/1pCZSqb46d0r11x1sC3cQTK/how-do-you-have-a-difficult-conversation

Highly recommend this podcast, excellent advice and a 10 step approach.

Not saying it’s going to be pleasant or easy but these things are like childbirth - a bit messy and humiliating and painful at the time but relatively soon over and the long term benefits are so very well worth it.

I agree that trying to please another person is Codependency and to be avoided.

However you may be doing lots of things that are not "working". I'm not saying you are, you may be, as the skills for having good relationships are not well taught in our culture.

If you genuinely think you are doing all 4 of the below on a regular, consistent basis, and he agrees, then you are already a valuable partner he likely will not want to lose when you approach him to end the relationship. He is likely to work on his own deficiencies.

If you are not, improve your skills in these areas and reassess your relationship.

1/ No hurting with words, body language or distancing behaviour

2/ Using validation to increase connection

3/ Expressing appreciation, admiration and giving sincere compliments

4/ Using good Boundaries to stop damaging behaviours

You really need to learn to become an excellent listener if you are not already.

Listen without agreeing nor judging, listen to understand and validate the other person's perspective.

Concentrate on areas where you are actually in harmony with each other. Something must have originally drawn you together.

To avoid regrets and potentially repeating the same mistakes with a new partner you need to first see if this can be resuscitated based on you improving your own skills.

This does not involve self sacrifice but Self Care. It is a misconception that we need to somehow give up being ourselves to be with someone else.

If you can say hand on heart you are doing all of these things, then you will have no regrets having the conversation to end the relationship. In fact it will be very clear to you that it is the only way to proceed. Because you will have identified the fact that he doesn't value you enough to do the work required to be in a relationship with you. Then it actually becomes an easy decision for you.

I'm watching your post as am in similar situation. I do agree that it is the emotional itimacy that goes first. I cannot imagine ever going back to how it was as it wasnt great anyway.
I think I am genuinely not very good at 'mating in captivity.'

These are very basic minimums and yes I am doing all of these and so for the most is he. Lack of good, meaningful communication isn’t always about too much conflict / outward lack of respect and isn’t in this case.

Good to find someone in the same shoes here. Not an easy thing to own up to, I felt, but am glad I did.
If it wasn’t that great to begin with, is it really about the captivity part? Might it not just be about the particular person? If you weren’t married and it wasn’t that good to begin with, and got worse, you’d blame something else, wouldn’t you?
Recommend the Too Good to Leave book’s section on sex, as providing a useful guide, if you can get hold of a copy.

Well done your sister. She gets my full admiration for doing something that on the inside - in a similar place - seems like a huge step to take. Am glad to hear she is happier.