wrong man for me - how to separate?

[ArmAnALeg]

I am in my mid 40s, married, with a primary school aged child.

Changed my user name for this. Thought about putting it under “sex” but as it’s lack of sex that is the whole problem, “relationships” it is.

At home I have a glacially-cold marital bed. It has been like this for many years. I have slowly and now surely come to the realisation that for me life is too short and also too long for no sex at all. Zero. Nada.

My husband doesn’t yet know this is my final feeling. He will find it harrowing when I tell him the marriage can’t go on.

As the last years wore on and my DH showed no signs of relating to me sexually I slowly stopped wanting to do anything of the kind with him. And can’t go back now. I didn’t lose desire altogether - I just don’t project mine onto him.

My questions:

• how do you recommend breaking the news that you want to separate to someone you love - but whose clothes you would now prefer remain on - and who will be very surprised you feel this way - what is the kindest, gentlest or clearest way? Or are they all equally difficult? I want him to be happy and fulfilled in years to come.

• if you dated or were married to someone (perhaps assuming you are heterosexual for this question) where the sexual intimacy and then the female - male polarity just went MIA altogether, and where you called a permanent halt to the relationship / marriage because of it, what was and is life like on the other side for you both? Was it worth taking the leap back into singledom for?

Yes very true. When I went to a counsellor who was Gottman trained on my own last year she told me that he 'didn't mean to hurt my feelings' this was after he mocked my childhood physical abuse in front of one of his friends and also said that I dress 'like a slut' and refused to apologise and gaslit me when I became upset among many other emotionally abusive things and problems managing anger. I left counselling after she said 'you don't want to leave your family, do you?'. No, I don't want to leave my family, just him. And that's the plan in 18 months time. Build finances, build confidence and income generation, build support networks. I am grateful for the length and support of the relationship in general but many parts of it have been a little damaging for me and my dream is just to be alone with my children, my friends, my cat and that my children are well and happy. An amicable, steady separation I suppose.

Mr Gottman is on his third marriage, isn’t he? I hear and feel for you, And can imagine how that was. Something similar happened to me .. and it made counselling feel fake after that.

Ask him to attend couples therapy to discuss the issue (and float the idea of separation gently there). If he says no, it should become more obvious to him how serious this is and less of a surprise…

Thanks @NET145 .
I have already been down the therapy route.
My experience of couple’s therapy was that it asked me to deny / put reality to one side to the extreme..
Luckily I have also been to therapy by myself and know that the purpose of it is not to substitute brand new truths in the mind of the client / patient that the client hasn’t suggested and that they may not agree with at all but to invite them to look at the truths they already have… in sum you shouldn’t come out of a session feeling like you are being expected to be way more passive.

”Take up less room” vibes very verrrry like the commenter above re: Gottman shared.

Marriage counselling is so widespread in the zeitgeist. Who regulates them? And what is the cut-off for telling women (and yes #notallmen) to hush now and ignore what their mind / body is saying?

I didn’t float separation. It wasn’t the space for it.

Just a general question here for those who have been through any of the kind of Gottman-Real therapy rounds described above that make you question your lived reality, why do they do it? What’s in it for them?

If you have decided you want out, which seems to be the case, then it’s no longer mainly or even much about sex, or how best to have conversations to break the news, it’s about conflict over things like money, the DC, housing and so on.

So it’d be sensible to plan for that, eg investigate and record finances, look into your housing options, work situation, get legal advice. Consider scenarios like your ex behaving unkindly, having to live in the same property, costs of legal fees.

Thanks @Dozer . Are you speaking from your own experience?

Any progress on what you are going to do? X

OP you write so well, your thoughts are so well put together and articulated.

Like you I read everything I could, educated myself in every which way but as you said, it’s the little voice inside you that matters. Ironically I was trying to explain this concept to my child recently and realised I am either such a hypocrite or projecting to make sure he trusts himself more than I have. And just to add beware of too much debate here, it dilutes the voice inside you as well.

That said, I can tell you are looking for some people in the same scenario. ME in capital letters :) Firstly I think as you say, sex is symptomatic of something else, most usually emotional connection. I think being seen, known and on the same page as to what you are doing is crucial to sex, casual or committed. Withholding, distance and a lack of mutual understanding just puts constraints and blunt edges everywhere. Before you do bring this up I suggest you consider what root causes are as this will substantiate what you are saying and he cannot say you are leaving for shallow reasons, which sex is often at surface level perceived to be, particularly given you have a child.

As for my own experience, glacier I have to admit got me at the start. I’ll raise you! It’s fear that has held me back, mainly surrounding the kids. A few other factors at play too. But as otherwise have said you just have to start, I’m sure the moment you say ‘can we talk’, he will know. Stick to your script however and don’t fill in the silence. As another poster said, consider the likely immediate fallout and of course longer term.

It is all about acceptance really, on both sides. I’m not sure anyone fully accepts having to leave a marriage and what that means and the challenges on the other side. Some loneliness, changes to social life, how you perceive yourself as family etc. But acceptance or at least growth on both sides helps things move along. When either or one doesn’t accept it is when it gets sticky but obviously it can’t be forced, just consider it and understand it.

I’m surprised I’ve written so much in way. As the whole process, in my case, as I felt so bad for so long when it was so obvious, just wore me down and thinking about it makes me feel so tired.

I hope this helps. It’s worth it. Be sure you are okay with your own company for a while anyway, that is crucial, you have to rebuild yourself properly after this sort of lack.

Oh and re your comment about couples therapy and passivity, I couldn’t agree more.

@Anony0846
I am going to do as one of the posters said she is doing, above. Finances, work and all the other ducks in a row.. these are things that need to be done anyway, but that are a safety net one needs. And meanwhile pursue life to the full in every (other) way I can. Does that seem like a good plan to you?

@Liftmyselfupagain

It’s really worrying. How far women can be told to agree to their own diminishment once they have a child / children that then locks them in. How the red flags people talk about on TikTok in new relationships are ignored once in marriage counselling. “You made your bed”. I would love an actual marriage therapist / guide to come in here.. to explain the motives and reason in keeping people together when one partner is expressing DV-adjacent behaviour worries, eg.. Or when sex is out of the question.

I don't know if this is of any help. OP, but I can see that you're struggling with what you know to be reality, and the therapist's version of reality...

Some therapists are shit. I was married to a therapist for a long time, and he was unstable and in denial about a lot of things in his life. I'm sure there are good therapists but, as in every profession, eg doctors, teachers, PMs, there are shit ones, too.

My advice is to be prepared for the worst reaction from your H when you tell him. Lots of men act in terrible and unexpected ways when they are left, and no one (friends, family, courts) stops them. Hopefully your H will be respectful and fair, but prepare for the worst (financially, emotionally, etc).

I'm sorry but I agree with @whatwouldlilacerullodo be prepared, OP.

What business is it of children what goes on in their parents bedroom? If parents are civil and kind to each other that surely is enough? Children don't like to see their parents PDA.
Is the hope of a new man and new sex life worth not seeing your child every day?

Hi
I don’t think a cold marriage is ever without consequences for kids. Nor is the coldness of the bedroom restricted to the bedroom when parents are not happy with that side of things. And I speak as the child of two very happy parents who could have an argument and resolve it, and who weren’t cold with each other.
Not seeing your child every day will happen when your kids grow up.
And separation and divorce aren’t a) signs of a personal failure if two people have tried and failed to work things out or b) of two people who didn’t want to see their kids often enough.
Putting one’s head in the sand for your whole kid’s childhood - why?

Why? Because marriage is a commitment and more than sex. Because a family unit is important. Everyone is free to choose their values and how they 'do' life but I found your perception interesting because it's not mine so thanks for taking it in good faith. We all do what we think is best in the end.

Putting one’s head in the sand for your whole kid’s childhood - why?

Parents who do this have no idea the damage they are doing to their children. I speak from bitter experience. I knew - from before I was 10 years old - that my parents did not like, let alone love, each other. There was no physical affection between them (and none shown to us, either), so yes, the coldness of the bedroom did spead outside of the bedroom and to myself and my two brothers, too.

I grew up to become a doormat, a people pleaser who to this day, at age 57, still has the tendency to put what a man wants/thinks above my own thoughts/feelings (often to my grave disadvantage). Watching my mother and father, I was taught to believe that men could do what the fuck they liked, make all the important decisions and women just had to put up with it.

@FreeRider - the family unit can be a really damaging thing when feelings are denied.. just as much a broken family as one where two parents have separated or divorce, but with the layer of secrecy / bitterness allowed to ferment for longer.
I speak as someone who has remained in an unhappy family unit for years, in the full knowledge of what she was / is missing.

I am really sorry.