wrong man for me - how to separate?

[ArmAnALeg]

I am in my mid 40s, married, with a primary school aged child.

Changed my user name for this. Thought about putting it under “sex” but as it’s lack of sex that is the whole problem, “relationships” it is.

At home I have a glacially-cold marital bed. It has been like this for many years. I have slowly and now surely come to the realisation that for me life is too short and also too long for no sex at all. Zero. Nada.

My husband doesn’t yet know this is my final feeling. He will find it harrowing when I tell him the marriage can’t go on.

As the last years wore on and my DH showed no signs of relating to me sexually I slowly stopped wanting to do anything of the kind with him. And can’t go back now. I didn’t lose desire altogether - I just don’t project mine onto him.

My questions:

• how do you recommend breaking the news that you want to separate to someone you love - but whose clothes you would now prefer remain on - and who will be very surprised you feel this way - what is the kindest, gentlest or clearest way? Or are they all equally difficult? I want him to be happy and fulfilled in years to come.

• if you dated or were married to someone (perhaps assuming you are heterosexual for this question) where the sexual intimacy and then the female - male polarity just went MIA altogether, and where you called a permanent halt to the relationship / marriage because of it, what was and is life like on the other side for you both? Was it worth taking the leap back into singledom for?

Absolutely 💯 agree. Im mid 50s and having the best sex of my life having left a dead marriage about a year old. Life is way to short to miss out on great sex.

Congratulations. I wonder what a sexless (against one’s wishes) marriage does to the confidence, creativity and overall sense of wellbeing. And whether just being out of the marriage can restore some of that, even before you reintroduce (great) sex into the equation.

Is the issue that you have never felt comfortable talking about sex openly? If so, why? You seem to have an Elephant in the room at least in this area which points to a lack of feeling safe to communicate. If so, and you both listen with warmth and affection for each other, where does this lack of feeling safe to talk about sex cone from?
Were you simply never really attracted to each other? Does he have medical reasons for very low sex drive?

Maybe this article can help. She has a lot of good material.

When You Choose A Partner Because They Will Be A Great Parent (But You Aren’t Happy Together)

I’ve always felt comfortable talking about it. Him less so. So not my Elephant.
When I said I am the stage of being ready to separate it, I mean it. It’s not something I would ever do lightly.

As someone on the other side I would say just sit down and tell him. My STBXH has messing me around for months. He told me via text message he wasn’t happy and four counselling sessions in he is still flip flopping. He hasn’t got the balls to come out and say that he wants to leave and for a while this gave me the impression that he wanted reconciliation and then he says not, but then he changes his mind, and then he’s not sure and that may be this is something we can talk about in counselling. Anyway I’m ranting on about my problems, the point is don’t mess him around, it’s shit. If he wants counselling I would try it but make it clear that this is for the purpose of facilitating the separation and not for reconciliation. He might ask why so give him honest answers, it suck but messes with their head much less than shit like “you’ll be happier”.

You could be honest that it's the lack of sex and emotional intimacy
You could perhaps start by saying the relationship is not meeting your needs and you don't think it can be meeting his either (if you do think that)
You could say you want to be on your own if you want to avoid seeming like you're laying all fault at his feet - so emphasising that you are a person in your own right and not just his wife.
You could suggest what happens next to show that you are serious about splitting .. you could say you'd hope you'll be able to be friends...?

Whatever you say, and however difficult it is, the discussion is going to be time-bound to some degree and although you may well feel bad or guilty afterward depending on his reaction, you're also quite likely to feel freer and lighter that you've got this off your chest. It is your life after all. You have to do what's right for you.

You’re being very clear. Not ranting. And I can hear and imagine how painful that is.

Part of the reason for my asking the question here is to mitigate the painfulness of what I have to say. But actually on reflection I don’t think it can be significantly mitigated. I guess the kindest thing to do is - as you suggest - to be clear and not give any false impressions that you are leaving a door open.

I agree with that - it IS just going to be painful when one wants to split and one doesn't. Best thing is to be clear and firm that to split is what you now need.

I missed this message at first. This is horrendous. Am so sorry for her. But surely she didn’t know what he was doing all that time?

No she had no clue and the ow was married. When it all came out, she never left her husband but my friend left hers.
She is now single but childless and it breaks her heart. We see him walking round the town, still single and pathetic looking. He was such an ass to her, said he couldn't have sex with her because of guilt. It was her biggest regret staying in this sexless marriage.

A lot of these messages here suggesting a theme that when a marriage is sexless it’s not just sex that’s out of the equation. Respect, dignity, informed choices, a life you both choose together …
There is a Mumsnet cliche that whenever a woman says something negative about their marriage / husband, someone else says “if a man said that, he’d be roasted ..” and I am making no claims that this is different for / only true for women.

I suppose there are two main types of sexless marriage that evolve;

1/ Sex is good at the beginning but desire for it dies due to lack of effort in the relationship, eg focus on children, job, hobbies. Alongside this communication goes downhill, partners start disrespecting each other, the ruptures build up , emotional disconnect builds up until breaking point then one leaves/has an affair,etc

2/ They were never really deeply attracted to each other to start with but chose each other for practical/friendship reasons and the emotional depth/spark is not deepened over time.

I think 2/ is not really fixable but 1/ often is (with work)

Maybe there are some hybrid situations as well. But these are the main ones I think.

Judging by the ND group here, there are a lot of these sexless marriages involving partners where one is on the spectrum. From the posts I’ve read there marriage can itself - as a turning point - open the door to next to no sex.

and of course there are lots of other types of sexless marriages - illness, disability, mismatched libidos, waning attraction, lack of housework (funny not funny), too much initial attraction meaning partners overlook lifelong compatibility - but yes I can see your classification is useful.

Agreed - I missed out the sexless due to disability/illness

I think waning attraction, lack of housework come under 1/

I think mismatched libidos & too much initial attraction meaning partners overlook lifelong compatibility & partners where one is on the spectrum are a "kind of" 2/ - they were not compatible to start with but chose to overlook it to achieve other goals (often having a family or conforming to unwritten/societal expectations)

In any case I don't think pointing fingers is useful at all. If this situation has happened to you, it's not your 'fault' - you were both doing the best / making the best choice you knew how at the time. People evolve. Marriages are long and frequently stressed by outside pressures. We can't always 'make it work'. There's no shame in admitting that.

I'm sure your husband will come round to the same view over time - the problem is that he hasn't yet done so probably due to low libido on his side.

I’m enjoying our chat. Thank you for your elaborations and responses. It all - this topic, life, anything! - feels much more real and doable once shared with other people who have non-judgmental, sympathetic views on it.

Same here , but male - left a 20 year sexless relationship and have met someone new and am having a great sex life now

Are you blaming yourself for things not working well? I really like Esther Perel and some of her advice. That said I think she can make everything seem very resolve-able and in my knowledge of friends (in couples) who have had unresolveable issues and eventually chose not to stay, it wasn’t always because they didn’t try hard or weren’t caring people or didn’t centre their partner or were otherwise in the wrong. Life can be about more if you want it to be… perhaps I should take my own advice?!

Have you told him yet you are leaving the marriage?

Hi, as the message above suggests - no I haven’t. Life has been very busy in between .. and I, we, prioritised making big joint decisions and navigating those practical things together.

Hi. I'm not blaming myself in this relationship - as that side of things has never been good. But I think I bear a little culpability in previous ones. I will take your reading suggestions. Thank you.

When you said mating in captivity I thought you were talking about Esther Perel. Because she wrote a book and gave talks by that title.
I wouldn’t recommend her work or that of the Gottmans or Terry Real or any of the big famous relationship experts. I think the quiet voices in your head are telling you what you need to know.

Over the years, there have been 2 different occasions where I have had to end a relationship. I completely understand why you're hesitating and feeling so bad about it, OP. It is so very hard to do and you never quite know how the other person is going to respond. The hardest part is keeping true to going through with it, especially when the other person is asking for a second chance or living in some sort of denial and pretending you never said it.

There are all sort of feelings like pity and guilt and of course residual love for the other person. This adds to the feeling of being a horrible person to initiate the split. Things are rarely clear cut.

However, it is never an overnight decision to split. You are entitled to end the relationship and as I've heard on here, no one owes anyone else a relationship.

What I would say is be prepared. Be prepared for a whole host of behaviours and get some legal advice. Some people who have always seemed so nice start playing very dirty indeed, so just make sure you have separated your finances where possible, and you and the kids have somewhere else to go short term. Make plans about separating assets. You are allowed to do this. It does not make you a bad person.

Agreed. I am in the exact same situation as you, however and there are some mitigating factors involving DV adjacent behaviours and a lack of respect. He is however an excellent father. I don't think many relationship experts get it right because in the end every situation is unique. Sometimes things just go stale. You grow as a person in one way, the other doesn't or goes a different way. I have got to the point where I am absolutely 100% never having sex with him again. That was when I knew it was over. As for telling him? When it's time I plan to just tell him pretty matter of factly and hope we can stay friends.

when it comes to DV adjacent - and DV adjacent tends to unhealthy control of some kind - none of these experts says anything healthy. Because they first ask you to question your reality … which is how the DV has already got under your skin. You don’t need a second gaslighting layer. Or to be told that all his control can be sorted out once he learns what his attachment style is and how to speak from his knowing adult, not his anxious child. Hard NO to that.

Where do you want to be in 2 years’ time?