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Original poster

Fabswingers help? Found my partner on fab swingers

61 replies

Painkiller13 · 13/07/2025 15:18

So this will be long. Me f(36) and my partner m(37) have been on and off for 17 years. We share 2 children. It's never been a fairytale, lots of history but we always end up coming back to each other.
This year was a fresh start. Or it was supposed to be. I found teleguard app on his phone which was weird. I went on it and there was a "gangbang" chat. It knocked me sick instantly. There was 100s of messages on there, pictures of a woman by her husband and videos of previous gangbangs (I'm not judging if that's how you want to live that's fine by me) there was messages saying when he gets enough people he will plan the date. My partner had put "great, sounds good" the guy asked him if he had ever done anything like this and he said "just once but only with the woman, the husband watched"
Obviously, I'm thinking what the hell. There was 16 men in this chat. The next day I checked again, more pictures, my partner had wrote "amazing a* and p*"
I noticed the main guy had wrote something about fab, so I got my fbi hat on.
That evening I asked him about it, he said "oh honesty all men have atuff like that, look I have 100s on fb, I just got added from one of the groups" I'm not massively bothered about silly fb groups with bits of porn in, I know men watch atuff like that. But he was making out like it was no big deal. I told him I thought he had a problem, he fell out with me and didn't speak for days and told me I had made him feel disgusting.

Going back to fabswingers, I searched for hours, as the pictures were blurred,I then realised I could verify myself and see the pictures, I did this, then searched the users I thought could be him, bang he came up straight away, I can't even tell you the feeling of hurt that rushed through me as I saw the man I adore and love stood there stark naked for the world to see. His profile said he was always horny, up for anything. Under "looking for" it said couples MM/ FM males females and tv/Ts basically every option that was on there. Same again for interests, everything under the sun from soft swing to DP (which I had to google) I was horrified. I then saw a review from a few months ago. It was from a couple who wrote "you won't be disappointed" bla Bla. I clicked on them and they had a review from him saying "super sexy, easy conversation"
I can't even tell you how heart broken I was about this. I spent a full week in my room, Ill, unable to eat, I became physically ill. It was horrible.

I then messaged him on fab , became a whole new person in the way I wrote and what I wanted ect. We spoke all day. We arranged to meet. I decided I would wait to confront him after the planned meet.
Then he disappeared off there, he hasn't come off but he hid his profile. Didn't go on for 4 days (I checked constantly) obviously no response from him about this meet... which I knew he couldn't do anyway. In the meantime I contacted the couple and said I was new and had arranged to meet this guy and they had reviewed him so I was just checking he was safe ect. They kindly replied and was very vague but did say that she knows he like toys and they spoke about anal. I couldn't get much more info out of them so I'm not sure if they did the deed or if they met and chatted.

So d day came and I confronted him. He has outright denied it (may I add 2 minutes after I confronted him, by text, he was online on fabswingers after not being on for 4 days) he says it is not him, he's never met anyone he's contacted fab to get his photos removed, he said I have always been honest and you know in the past I've been on sex sites (he's mentioned this in the past but I thought it was just porn, never once mentioned his bits were plastered all over there) he said someone else must be using his photos from then, he swore on our children's lives it is not true (this is something he will never ever do so it threw me) I was adamant it was him, and this little detail has rocked me. He's moved out, sworn it's not him. My head and heart is shattered. I don't even know what I'm on here to ask but please someone give me some help and advise.

OP posts:
Cattery · 13/07/2025 15:30

Just a thought, but how do we know what’s real anymore? So much AI generated shit everywhere. No such thing as the truth. It’s very worrying

anitarielleliphe · 13/07/2025 15:31

Painkiller13 · 13/07/2025 15:18

So this will be long. Me f(36) and my partner m(37) have been on and off for 17 years. We share 2 children. It's never been a fairytale, lots of history but we always end up coming back to each other.
This year was a fresh start. Or it was supposed to be. I found teleguard app on his phone which was weird. I went on it and there was a "gangbang" chat. It knocked me sick instantly. There was 100s of messages on there, pictures of a woman by her husband and videos of previous gangbangs (I'm not judging if that's how you want to live that's fine by me) there was messages saying when he gets enough people he will plan the date. My partner had put "great, sounds good" the guy asked him if he had ever done anything like this and he said "just once but only with the woman, the husband watched"
Obviously, I'm thinking what the hell. There was 16 men in this chat. The next day I checked again, more pictures, my partner had wrote "amazing a* and p*"
I noticed the main guy had wrote something about fab, so I got my fbi hat on.
That evening I asked him about it, he said "oh honesty all men have atuff like that, look I have 100s on fb, I just got added from one of the groups" I'm not massively bothered about silly fb groups with bits of porn in, I know men watch atuff like that. But he was making out like it was no big deal. I told him I thought he had a problem, he fell out with me and didn't speak for days and told me I had made him feel disgusting.

Going back to fabswingers, I searched for hours, as the pictures were blurred,I then realised I could verify myself and see the pictures, I did this, then searched the users I thought could be him, bang he came up straight away, I can't even tell you the feeling of hurt that rushed through me as I saw the man I adore and love stood there stark naked for the world to see. His profile said he was always horny, up for anything. Under "looking for" it said couples MM/ FM males females and tv/Ts basically every option that was on there. Same again for interests, everything under the sun from soft swing to DP (which I had to google) I was horrified. I then saw a review from a few months ago. It was from a couple who wrote "you won't be disappointed" bla Bla. I clicked on them and they had a review from him saying "super sexy, easy conversation"
I can't even tell you how heart broken I was about this. I spent a full week in my room, Ill, unable to eat, I became physically ill. It was horrible.

I then messaged him on fab , became a whole new person in the way I wrote and what I wanted ect. We spoke all day. We arranged to meet. I decided I would wait to confront him after the planned meet.
Then he disappeared off there, he hasn't come off but he hid his profile. Didn't go on for 4 days (I checked constantly) obviously no response from him about this meet... which I knew he couldn't do anyway. In the meantime I contacted the couple and said I was new and had arranged to meet this guy and they had reviewed him so I was just checking he was safe ect. They kindly replied and was very vague but did say that she knows he like toys and they spoke about anal. I couldn't get much more info out of them so I'm not sure if they did the deed or if they met and chatted.

So d day came and I confronted him. He has outright denied it (may I add 2 minutes after I confronted him, by text, he was online on fabswingers after not being on for 4 days) he says it is not him, he's never met anyone he's contacted fab to get his photos removed, he said I have always been honest and you know in the past I've been on sex sites (he's mentioned this in the past but I thought it was just porn, never once mentioned his bits were plastered all over there) he said someone else must be using his photos from then, he swore on our children's lives it is not true (this is something he will never ever do so it threw me) I was adamant it was him, and this little detail has rocked me. He's moved out, sworn it's not him. My head and heart is shattered. I don't even know what I'm on here to ask but please someone give me some help and advise.

It was him, and he has been lying. He will continue to lie. He will put your own health at risk, and your children, in the long run are seeing this type of behavior from both of you, and how he treats you as "normal."

If you stay with this man, he will continue to betray you, lie to you, disappoint you, and endanger your health. THIS IS WHO HE IS. He is massively flawed. It does not matter that you love him, and honestly, one has to wonder "why?" you still do at this point, as to love someone who cares next-to-nothing for you is really just admitting that you do not love yourself at all, and that you are so insecure and the search for male validation supersedes your own instinct as a mother.

You need to walk away from this relationship permanently, and really think about the consequences of his exposure to your kids when this is the lifestyle he is leading. You may think that you have been able to fool your kids thus far, but children are smart and observant and they can put the pieces together.

For your own health and ability to be a long-term parent to your children . . . for your children's long-term sense of self, their self-esteem, their understanding of what equally loving and trustworthy relationships should be, and how this will affect them in their own future relationships . . . leave this man and NEVER, ever look back.

If you find yourself starting to justify his behavior or even wanting to believe the loads of lies he has given as excuses when you have rock-solid evidence, you are a fool, and destined to repeat this agonizing dysfunctional roller-coaster ride in perpetuity. Reclaim your self-worth and self-respect. NOBODY is worth that.

anitarielleliphe · 13/07/2025 15:34

Cattery · 13/07/2025 15:30

Just a thought, but how do we know what’s real anymore? So much AI generated shit everywhere. No such thing as the truth. It’s very worrying

You could very well be correct, and the absolute absurdity of this one also made me think the same thing, but I responded because there are people out there living some version of this now, and maybe could benefit from what I said.

SherbertLemons · 13/07/2025 15:35

Didn’t want to read and run. I’m so sorry you are going through such an awful betrayal.

of course it was him. You know it was him.

time to put an end to this “relationship” once and for all. You deserve so much more than this and every second you spend thinking about this “man” is delaying you from the life you can now have.

be brave. You didn’t cause this and you can’t change him.

sending a massive hug x

Pollqueen · 13/07/2025 15:37

So grim

MarySueSaidBoo · 13/07/2025 15:38

You choose to stay, this gut wrenching pain you're feeling is going to be on a repeat cycle. Only you can break that.

Cattery · 13/07/2025 15:44

anitarielleliphe · 13/07/2025 15:34

You could very well be correct, and the absolute absurdity of this one also made me think the same thing, but I responded because there are people out there living some version of this now, and maybe could benefit from what I said.

Show quote history

Absolutely. But I find it disturbing that we now have to question everything which in itself will get lots of shoddy behaviour off the hook x

TheyFuckYouUpYourMamAndDad · 13/07/2025 15:50

Of course it’s him! Stop being naive and stop allowing him to gaslight you. He’s a sex-addicted, lying arsehole.

anitarielleliphe · 13/07/2025 15:52

Cattery · 13/07/2025 15:44

Absolutely. But I find it disturbing that we now have to question everything which in itself will get lots of shoddy behaviour off the hook x

Show quote history

Yes, that is the world we live in now. Facts are now "alternative," and AI will get only more increasingly "realistic" as time marches on. The latest example of that is the X AI bot with a few tweaks of a prompt exhibited some of the most vile racist behavior one can imagine.

And, this is compounded by the fact that the majority of men (for it is truly mostly men) in positions of power, whether that is financially or politically, and sometimes, both, are inherently corrupt at this point because of their vast wealth and privilege that they cannot be trusted to work for the Greater Good. In fact, we have daily evidence that their belief system and actions are the opposite.

Original poster
Painkiller13 · 13/07/2025 15:56

This is very real. And I am living in this hell right now. Thank you for your reply. I know it all, I think I just needed to speak to someone because I can’t speak about this to anyone else and I feel incredibly lonely right now. I also feel that I’ve given up half of my life to just get this 😢

OP posts:
Cattery · 13/07/2025 15:57

@anitarielleliphe Exactly.

OchreRaven · 13/07/2025 16:07

It has to be him. How can he explain the
couple that said they met him? If it was a catfish they would have said he’s not the person in the pictures.

The fact he’s gaslighting you shows the relationship has no future. He can’t take accountability. You don’t need him to confess because you know. You have seen the evidence. Yes evidence can be faked and profiles can be made up but taking everything into account what is the possibility this is the case?

  1. past history alludes to less than perfect behaviour (hence the on/off)
  2. he actively stated in a chat that he has had sex with a couple
  3. you found pictures of him on a swinging site with confirmation from that couple that they know and recommend him.
  4. He was willing to talk to you and plan a meet up even after you confronted him about his behaviour and he claimed to feel disgusted.

As it stands he’s given you nothing to change your mind. Maybe he met the couple during an ‘off’ period but kept his profile active and enjoys continuing the fantasy. Using the conversations and pictures as free exciting porn. Or maybe he’s meeting up with people and actively cheating. You don’t know the truth but what you do know is he is lying.

anitarielleliphe · 13/07/2025 16:12

Painkiller13 · 13/07/2025 15:56

This is very real. And I am living in this hell right now. Thank you for your reply. I know it all, I think I just needed to speak to someone because I can’t speak about this to anyone else and I feel incredibly lonely right now. I also feel that I’ve given up half of my life to just get this 😢

You have my sincerest sympathies on your situation. Just remember, you are only 36 years old. You cannot look at this relationship from the perspective that it has been a poker game and you are now pot-committed because of the years you have been with him and your children.

You have at least double that in years left of life in which most of that should be when you are still young. You must make the right choices to ensure happiness for yourself and your children and that comes with either filling your life with good, trustworthy and uplifting friends and family, and possibly a romantic partner if he is worthy of your family . . . and you are a family . . . even without your children's father.

DO NOT date for at least a year after you breakup. And when you do, don't use the dating apps. Instead, engage in hobbies and interests in which you will have a more likely chance of meeting people with your same interests, and are not there solely to find sex.

You may engage in hobbies and such prior to the year, but do NOT date anyone until a year has passed. Even if you meet someone you are interested in, it is acceptable to tell them that you just got out of a long, toxic relationship and you need time to heal and focus on yourself and your children. A good man will respect that, not pressure you, and wait. And if he does not, you've let him weed himself out of your life.

When you feel that you are ready to date again, make a list of "needs," "wants," and "deal-breakers." Do not accept deal-breakers . . . a first instance requires and end to the relationship. But do remember that people are not perfect and sometimes with things that are not deal-breakers like infidelity is a deal-breaker, you something else, perhaps, that is not, you can give second-chances.

Deal-breakers are closely tied to a person's character, and so when they do something like cheat, then this really shows an unsurmountable character flaw that you do not give a second-chance on since this is "who" they are. Remember, that young adults in their teens and early twenties can sometimes learn from mistakes and correct character flaws, but the older one gets, this is less likely and your partner at 37, with children, who still behaves this way, will never change. This is who he is.

Original poster
Painkiller13 · 13/07/2025 16:20

OchreRaven · 13/07/2025 16:07

It has to be him. How can he explain the
couple that said they met him? If it was a catfish they would have said he’s not the person in the pictures.

The fact he’s gaslighting you shows the relationship has no future. He can’t take accountability. You don’t need him to confess because you know. You have seen the evidence. Yes evidence can be faked and profiles can be made up but taking everything into account what is the possibility this is the case?

  1. past history alludes to less than perfect behaviour (hence the on/off)
  2. he actively stated in a chat that he has had sex with a couple
  3. you found pictures of him on a swinging site with confirmation from that couple that they know and recommend him.
  4. He was willing to talk to you and plan a meet up even after you confronted him about his behaviour and he claimed to feel disgusted.

As it stands he’s given you nothing to change your mind. Maybe he met the couple during an ‘off’ period but kept his profile active and enjoys continuing the fantasy. Using the conversations and pictures as free exciting porn. Or maybe he’s meeting up with people and actively cheating. You don’t know the truth but what you do know is he is lying.

. Thank you, you’re right. His face isn’t in any of the pictures so I think he’s going with well they could have met anyone. But surely they would have known if it was his body. Unless they did just meet for a chat before the deed and didn’t do the deed, I couldn’t quite get that information out of them.
sorry it was before we had a chat about it all, I don’t think I was quite clear about that.
I think I was hoping it was just a porn thing, never in my wildest thoughts did I think I’d be dealing with any of this. I know it’s him I know it, my gut tells me it is, I saw all that I saw but then he is flat out denying any of it, and then there is this stupid niggle that it isn’t him and obviously I don’t want it to be him. I just feel absolutely broken. Xx

OP posts:
Lactofull · 13/07/2025 16:22

I am surprised that you are surprised given everything you have detailed over the preceding years!

Not like this has come out of the blue!

treesandsun · 13/07/2025 16:23

The chances of him telling the truth and it not being him are slim to nil. This was the last chance and even if he is telling the truth about this his bullshit about the gang bang chat shows he is not committed to the relationship with you. Try not to think of it as wasted years because you have your children . You have tried as hard as you can and now it's time for you look after you.

Lactofull · 13/07/2025 16:23

never been a fairy tale

you can say that again a disturbing sordid drama more like

Lactofull · 13/07/2025 16:24

What’s depressing is that there are two kids under the age of 17 years old growing up in this dirty shit show

Original poster
Painkiller13 · 13/07/2025 16:28

anitarielleliphe · 13/07/2025 16:12

You have my sincerest sympathies on your situation. Just remember, you are only 36 years old. You cannot look at this relationship from the perspective that it has been a poker game and you are now pot-committed because of the years you have been with him and your children.

You have at least double that in years left of life in which most of that should be when you are still young. You must make the right choices to ensure happiness for yourself and your children and that comes with either filling your life with good, trustworthy and uplifting friends and family, and possibly a romantic partner if he is worthy of your family . . . and you are a family . . . even without your children's father.

DO NOT date for at least a year after you breakup. And when you do, don't use the dating apps. Instead, engage in hobbies and interests in which you will have a more likely chance of meeting people with your same interests, and are not there solely to find sex.

You may engage in hobbies and such prior to the year, but do NOT date anyone until a year has passed. Even if you meet someone you are interested in, it is acceptable to tell them that you just got out of a long, toxic relationship and you need time to heal and focus on yourself and your children. A good man will respect that, not pressure you, and wait. And if he does not, you've let him weed himself out of your life.

When you feel that you are ready to date again, make a list of "needs," "wants," and "deal-breakers." Do not accept deal-breakers . . . a first instance requires and end to the relationship. But do remember that people are not perfect and sometimes with things that are not deal-breakers like infidelity is a deal-breaker, you something else, perhaps, that is not, you can give second-chances.

Deal-breakers are closely tied to a person's character, and so when they do something like cheat, then this really shows an unsurmountable character flaw that you do not give a second-chance on since this is "who" they are. Remember, that young adults in their teens and early twenties can sometimes learn from mistakes and correct character flaws, but the older one gets, this is less likely and your partner at 37, with children, who still behaves this way, will never change. This is who he is.

Edited
Show quote history

Thank you so much for your time in responding. I think I just feel like my world is ending right now. I’m the best person for giving advise and if someone was telling me this I’d be like “leave now” I just don’t seem to be able to give myself the same advise, I look back at this relationship and he really has ruined my life, he’s never been physical but the mental and emotional abuse has been horrific. I think I’ve just gotten used to and think it’s ok when I know it absolutely is not. Every day is a fight with myself. It’s the next few months that I just can’t face, I don’t even know how I’m going to get up and go to work tomorrow. I also know how he is manipulative and how he gaslights me which is why I spent a week in fbi mode so that I knew o had everything but he still lied. I think I wanted him to be honest, that hurts that even when faces with this he can’t be truthful. I feel split it 2 at the moment.

OP posts:
HopscotchBanana · 13/07/2025 16:30

Painkiller13 · 13/07/2025 15:56

This is very real. And I am living in this hell right now. Thank you for your reply. I know it all, I think I just needed to speak to someone because I can’t speak about this to anyone else and I feel incredibly lonely right now. I also feel that I’ve given up half of my life to just get this 😢

The thing that confirmed it for me, was when you said he hadn't been on there for 4 days, then as soon as you outed him, he was showing as online. That's not coincidence.

Original poster
Painkiller13 · 13/07/2025 16:31

Lactofull · 13/07/2025 16:22

I am surprised that you are surprised given everything you have detailed over the preceding years!

Not like this has come out of the blue!

I really do feel like it has come out of the blue. Never in a million years did I expect this betrayal. We’ve been on an off a bit but not for one second did I think he was into men and transvestites.

OP posts:
deckchaironnabeach · 13/07/2025 16:32

Painkiller13 · 13/07/2025 15:56

This is very real. And I am living in this hell right now. Thank you for your reply. I know it all, I think I just needed to speak to someone because I can’t speak about this to anyone else and I feel incredibly lonely right now. I also feel that I’ve given up half of my life to just get this 😢

The thing is are you going to give up the other half of your life?

You have one, and when your kids are adults and find out what your life was like what the hell will they think?

they will think ‘why the hell did she stay’?

and rightfully so.

Original poster
Painkiller13 · 13/07/2025 16:33

Lactofull · 13/07/2025 16:23

never been a fairy tale

you can say that again a disturbing sordid drama more like

It certainly seems like it has turned into that. It’s soul destroying

OP posts:
Original poster
Painkiller13 · 13/07/2025 16:34

Lactofull · 13/07/2025 16:24

What’s depressing is that there are two kids under the age of 17 years old growing up in this dirty shit show

Don’t, this is literally my worst nightmare. One of my first thought was … my poor kids.

OP posts:
Lactofull · 13/07/2025 16:35

Painkiller13 · 13/07/2025 16:34

Don’t, this is literally my worst nightmare. One of my first thought was … my poor kids.

Show quote history

It’s the truth though op

read back your op