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Original poster

Fabswingers help? Found my partner on fab swingers

61 replies

Painkiller13 · 13/07/2025 15:18

So this will be long. Me f(36) and my partner m(37) have been on and off for 17 years. We share 2 children. It's never been a fairytale, lots of history but we always end up coming back to each other.
This year was a fresh start. Or it was supposed to be. I found teleguard app on his phone which was weird. I went on it and there was a "gangbang" chat. It knocked me sick instantly. There was 100s of messages on there, pictures of a woman by her husband and videos of previous gangbangs (I'm not judging if that's how you want to live that's fine by me) there was messages saying when he gets enough people he will plan the date. My partner had put "great, sounds good" the guy asked him if he had ever done anything like this and he said "just once but only with the woman, the husband watched"
Obviously, I'm thinking what the hell. There was 16 men in this chat. The next day I checked again, more pictures, my partner had wrote "amazing a* and p*"
I noticed the main guy had wrote something about fab, so I got my fbi hat on.
That evening I asked him about it, he said "oh honesty all men have atuff like that, look I have 100s on fb, I just got added from one of the groups" I'm not massively bothered about silly fb groups with bits of porn in, I know men watch atuff like that. But he was making out like it was no big deal. I told him I thought he had a problem, he fell out with me and didn't speak for days and told me I had made him feel disgusting.

Going back to fabswingers, I searched for hours, as the pictures were blurred,I then realised I could verify myself and see the pictures, I did this, then searched the users I thought could be him, bang he came up straight away, I can't even tell you the feeling of hurt that rushed through me as I saw the man I adore and love stood there stark naked for the world to see. His profile said he was always horny, up for anything. Under "looking for" it said couples MM/ FM males females and tv/Ts basically every option that was on there. Same again for interests, everything under the sun from soft swing to DP (which I had to google) I was horrified. I then saw a review from a few months ago. It was from a couple who wrote "you won't be disappointed" bla Bla. I clicked on them and they had a review from him saying "super sexy, easy conversation"
I can't even tell you how heart broken I was about this. I spent a full week in my room, Ill, unable to eat, I became physically ill. It was horrible.

I then messaged him on fab , became a whole new person in the way I wrote and what I wanted ect. We spoke all day. We arranged to meet. I decided I would wait to confront him after the planned meet.
Then he disappeared off there, he hasn't come off but he hid his profile. Didn't go on for 4 days (I checked constantly) obviously no response from him about this meet... which I knew he couldn't do anyway. In the meantime I contacted the couple and said I was new and had arranged to meet this guy and they had reviewed him so I was just checking he was safe ect. They kindly replied and was very vague but did say that she knows he like toys and they spoke about anal. I couldn't get much more info out of them so I'm not sure if they did the deed or if they met and chatted.

So d day came and I confronted him. He has outright denied it (may I add 2 minutes after I confronted him, by text, he was online on fabswingers after not being on for 4 days) he says it is not him, he's never met anyone he's contacted fab to get his photos removed, he said I have always been honest and you know in the past I've been on sex sites (he's mentioned this in the past but I thought it was just porn, never once mentioned his bits were plastered all over there) he said someone else must be using his photos from then, he swore on our children's lives it is not true (this is something he will never ever do so it threw me) I was adamant it was him, and this little detail has rocked me. He's moved out, sworn it's not him. My head and heart is shattered. I don't even know what I'm on here to ask but please someone give me some help and advise.

OP posts:
Lactofull · 13/07/2025 16:36

Although given their parents have split and then got back together multiple times… maybe they’re just used to it

Original poster
Painkiller13 · 13/07/2025 16:36

deckchaironnabeach · 13/07/2025 16:32

The thing is are you going to give up the other half of your life?

You have one, and when your kids are adults and find out what your life was like what the hell will they think?

they will think ‘why the hell did she stay’?

and rightfully so.

Show quote history

I know, I need to think that life will get better but right now I’m in that horrible pit of agonising pain. I know I need to move past this but Jesus is it hard, I honestly don’t think in my lifetime that I will ever get over this, It has broken me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Painkiller13 · 13/07/2025 16:39

Lactofull · 13/07/2025 16:36

Although given their parents have split and then got back together multiple times… maybe they’re just used to it

We have been great parents. It’s never been ideal, and never in a million years been what I wanted in my life, I just wanted a happy family but it doesn’t always work out that way unfortunately.

OP posts:
Lactofull · 13/07/2025 16:40

Painkiller13 · 13/07/2025 16:39

We have been great parents. It’s never been ideal, and never in a million years been what I wanted in my life, I just wanted a happy family but it doesn’t always work out that way unfortunately.

Show quote history

Op you have split and got back together multiple times

and now this

how can you honestly say that this has been a great home family life for you two children?

it’s not to late to salvage some of it though by making the break and showing them how this kind of relationship is NOT normal and NOT healthy

Original poster
Painkiller13 · 13/07/2025 16:40

HopscotchBanana · 13/07/2025 16:30

The thing that confirmed it for me, was when you said he hadn't been on there for 4 days, then as soon as you outed him, he was showing as online. That's not coincidence.

Show quote history

This was my thoughts too. He’s not been on since and also not deleted the account but I do believe this was the sign that it was 💯 him.

OP posts:
OchreRaven · 13/07/2025 16:41

Painkiller13 · 13/07/2025 16:20

. Thank you, you’re right. His face isn’t in any of the pictures so I think he’s going with well they could have met anyone. But surely they would have known if it was his body. Unless they did just meet for a chat before the deed and didn’t do the deed, I couldn’t quite get that information out of them.
sorry it was before we had a chat about it all, I don’t think I was quite clear about that.
I think I was hoping it was just a porn thing, never in my wildest thoughts did I think I’d be dealing with any of this. I know it’s him I know it, my gut tells me it is, I saw all that I saw but then he is flat out denying any of it, and then there is this stupid niggle that it isn’t him and obviously I don’t want it to be him. I just feel absolutely broken. Xx

Show quote history

Did he explain why he said what he said in the telegram chat? That he was with a woman while her husband watched?

Imagine a scenario where he was innocent. He said that in the chat but it was a lie just to stay in the group. (Which btw is enough to end the relationship — being in a group like that is disgusting on its own and gives off Gisele Pelicot vibes). Then by chance someone had taken his old fab swingers pictures and created a fake profile despite it not showing his face. The body of this fake profiler wasn’t that different to your partner’s otherwise the couple would not have recommended him — so no obvious benefit to the fake profiler from using his photos.

On finding this out, your innocent partner doesn’t see how bad it all looks and understand why you think he’s cheated. He doesn’t take every step to clear his name by any means necessary. Has he contacted the fab swingers site or the couple to let them know it was a catfish? No. He’s just been defensive and expected you to take his word for it despite the chance of all these coincidences happening is virtually 0.

You can be confident that it’s him. I would give him one chance to explain himself (for your own sanity) and if he doesn’t take the opportunity to be honest just accept he’s a liar who is also likely a cheat.

Lactofull · 13/07/2025 16:41

Ok so now you know it definitely him

so…. What’s the plan?

Original poster
Painkiller13 · 13/07/2025 16:43

Lactofull · 13/07/2025 16:40

Op you have split and got back together multiple times

and now this

how can you honestly say that this has been a great home family life for you two children?

it’s not to late to salvage some of it though by making the break and showing them how this kind of relationship is NOT normal and NOT healthy

Show quote history

Beginning to think I’m cursed if I’m honest. All I ever wanted was a family and boy have I fought for that, given chance after chance… for my kids so they had a family. But I know what you mean, I’ve been fight so they had a family and I’ve probably done more damage by trying to be that family.

OP posts:
Lactofull · 13/07/2025 16:47

Painkiller13 · 13/07/2025 16:43

Beginning to think I’m cursed if I’m honest. All I ever wanted was a family and boy have I fought for that, given chance after chance… for my kids so they had a family. But I know what you mean, I’ve been fight so they had a family and I’ve probably done more damage by trying to be that family.

Show quote history

Ok so that’s the past

my question was what are you going to do now?

more of the same I suspect but prove me wrong

TippledPink · 13/07/2025 16:48

It's hard to let go of something you have fought for for so many years but please don't waste anymore time on this man. You know it's him, he will deny, deny , deny but you know deep down it's a lie. Please finally walk away from this abusive, lying arsehole- there is a much better life waiting for you.

Original poster
Painkiller13 · 13/07/2025 16:49

OchreRaven · 13/07/2025 16:41

Did he explain why he said what he said in the telegram chat? That he was with a woman while her husband watched?

Imagine a scenario where he was innocent. He said that in the chat but it was a lie just to stay in the group. (Which btw is enough to end the relationship — being in a group like that is disgusting on its own and gives off Gisele Pelicot vibes). Then by chance someone had taken his old fab swingers pictures and created a fake profile despite it not showing his face. The body of this fake profiler wasn’t that different to your partner’s otherwise the couple would not have recommended him — so no obvious benefit to the fake profiler from using his photos.

On finding this out, your innocent partner doesn’t see how bad it all looks and understand why you think he’s cheated. He doesn’t take every step to clear his name by any means necessary. Has he contacted the fab swingers site or the couple to let them know it was a catfish? No. He’s just been defensive and expected you to take his word for it despite the chance of all these coincidences happening is virtually 0.

You can be confident that it’s him. I would give him one chance to explain himself (for your own sanity) and if he doesn’t take the opportunity to be honest just accept he’s a liar who is also likely a cheat.

Show quote history

He said “oh you just put stuff like that, none of it is real, it’s all just fake atuff and I guarantee none of them on there are doing what they say” “I swear to god I’ve never met a couple, ever ever”
“I understand you’re upset and I am sorry and I promise I won’t ever go on anything like that again”
like you say, there is too many coincidences. It doesn’t add up, none of it can add up. But I feel like my head is going to explode. I just needed to be able to vent and get it all out and if I’m honest , I think I needed to hear other people agree that he’s lying so I didn’t feel like I was losing the plot. X

OP posts:
Original poster
Painkiller13 · 13/07/2025 16:51

Lactofull · 13/07/2025 16:41

Ok so now you know it definitely him

so…. What’s the plan?

He’s gone. He’s packed his stuff and gone. I just needed to hear I was right I think, I just needed to get it all of my chest and see if anyone could pick anything up from this that I might have missed or if anyone did think he might be innocent. Honestly my mind has exploded and I’m all over the place.

OP posts:
Lactofull · 13/07/2025 16:58

Thing is…. He’s moved out a few times in the past hasn’t he? And always the pair of you have given it another shot.

this time, don’t

Original poster
Painkiller13 · 13/07/2025 17:03

Lactofull · 13/07/2025 16:58

Thing is…. He’s moved out a few times in the past hasn’t he? And always the pair of you have given it another shot.

this time, don’t

Edited

I just need to be stronger this time, I’ve always been a push over. And he manipulates me, I know he’ll try and squirm out of it like he already has, he is absolutely adamant it isn’t him. I’m annoyed I didn’t get any more exact proof like a face pic so I could say I know it’s you. Which I already know but it’s kind of like he lies to himself, like I have to prove to him for it to be real . X

OP posts:
DiscoBob · 13/07/2025 17:05

He's a scummy cheating bastard. (Whether physical contact took place or not with strangers)
He's lying to you through his teeth...🤷

Good that he's moved out. He shouldn't have been on some dirty site looking for swingers anyway, there is no excuse for it.
Just stay strong and do not listen to his bullshit anymore.

Sassybooklover · 13/07/2025 17:07

You've split and got back together multiple times during the 17 years you've been in a relationship. Going back once, I can understand, we all want to give a relationship the benefit of the doubt, but multiple times?? There has to come a point, when it's obvious that the relationship isn't working. Multiple times, you've seen this relationship not working, yet you keep trying to stick it back together with plasters. You are not compatible, and the relationship isn't working, it's that simple. Your partner is clearly the person using this site (and probably numerous others too) and is at best just chatting but at worst having sex with multiple people of both genders. You have no idea if he's been using protection, how many people he's had sex with or how long he's been participating in this lifestyle. Honestly, how could you trust him ever again?? This is who he is, and likely who he's always been. For your own sake and that of your children, you need to end the cycle of this relationship. He's betrayed you in probably one of the worst ways possible, it's beyond cheating. Multiple partners, different genders, and a high possibility of passing sexual diseases onto you. Step off the merry-go-round, and end the relationship permanently. You have plenty of time ahead of you to meet someone else, and in time you will.

Original poster
Painkiller13 · 13/07/2025 17:18

Painkiller13 · 13/07/2025 15:18

So this will be long. Me f(36) and my partner m(37) have been on and off for 17 years. We share 2 children. It's never been a fairytale, lots of history but we always end up coming back to each other.
This year was a fresh start. Or it was supposed to be. I found teleguard app on his phone which was weird. I went on it and there was a "gangbang" chat. It knocked me sick instantly. There was 100s of messages on there, pictures of a woman by her husband and videos of previous gangbangs (I'm not judging if that's how you want to live that's fine by me) there was messages saying when he gets enough people he will plan the date. My partner had put "great, sounds good" the guy asked him if he had ever done anything like this and he said "just once but only with the woman, the husband watched"
Obviously, I'm thinking what the hell. There was 16 men in this chat. The next day I checked again, more pictures, my partner had wrote "amazing a* and p*"
I noticed the main guy had wrote something about fab, so I got my fbi hat on.
That evening I asked him about it, he said "oh honesty all men have atuff like that, look I have 100s on fb, I just got added from one of the groups" I'm not massively bothered about silly fb groups with bits of porn in, I know men watch atuff like that. But he was making out like it was no big deal. I told him I thought he had a problem, he fell out with me and didn't speak for days and told me I had made him feel disgusting.

Going back to fabswingers, I searched for hours, as the pictures were blurred,I then realised I could verify myself and see the pictures, I did this, then searched the users I thought could be him, bang he came up straight away, I can't even tell you the feeling of hurt that rushed through me as I saw the man I adore and love stood there stark naked for the world to see. His profile said he was always horny, up for anything. Under "looking for" it said couples MM/ FM males females and tv/Ts basically every option that was on there. Same again for interests, everything under the sun from soft swing to DP (which I had to google) I was horrified. I then saw a review from a few months ago. It was from a couple who wrote "you won't be disappointed" bla Bla. I clicked on them and they had a review from him saying "super sexy, easy conversation"
I can't even tell you how heart broken I was about this. I spent a full week in my room, Ill, unable to eat, I became physically ill. It was horrible.

I then messaged him on fab , became a whole new person in the way I wrote and what I wanted ect. We spoke all day. We arranged to meet. I decided I would wait to confront him after the planned meet.
Then he disappeared off there, he hasn't come off but he hid his profile. Didn't go on for 4 days (I checked constantly) obviously no response from him about this meet... which I knew he couldn't do anyway. In the meantime I contacted the couple and said I was new and had arranged to meet this guy and they had reviewed him so I was just checking he was safe ect. They kindly replied and was very vague but did say that she knows he like toys and they spoke about anal. I couldn't get much more info out of them so I'm not sure if they did the deed or if they met and chatted.

So d day came and I confronted him. He has outright denied it (may I add 2 minutes after I confronted him, by text, he was online on fabswingers after not being on for 4 days) he says it is not him, he's never met anyone he's contacted fab to get his photos removed, he said I have always been honest and you know in the past I've been on sex sites (he's mentioned this in the past but I thought it was just porn, never once mentioned his bits were plastered all over there) he said someone else must be using his photos from then, he swore on our children's lives it is not true (this is something he will never ever do so it threw me) I was adamant it was him, and this little detail has rocked me. He's moved out, sworn it's not him. My head and heart is shattered. I don't even know what I'm on here to ask but please someone give me some help and advise.

Just to add. When I was speaking to him on fabswingers I said “ oh, I see you have a review, was that your first time?” And he put “to be honest, I’ve never met anyone on here, I’m very picky and couples always want to meet for a drink”

OP posts:
Vaxtable · 13/07/2025 17:28

Let him go, block him and don’t get back with him. Move on

OchreRaven · 13/07/2025 17:31

Painkiller13 · 13/07/2025 17:18

Just to add. When I was speaking to him on fabswingers I said “ oh, I see you have a review, was that your first time?” And he put “to be honest, I’ve never met anyone on here, I’m very picky and couples always want to meet for a drink”

Show quote history

He may never have had sex with them — maybe they only met him for a drink and he discussed his sexual kinks. But the main issue is he is lying about it all. Well it’s also an issue that he thinks meeting up and potentially being up for a threesome, if the vibe is right is acceptable.

If you want him to prove he is telling the truth about the fab swingers thing then tell him you want to send a photo of his face to the couple to ask them ‘for safety reasons’ if that was the man they met. His reaction will tell you if it’s true. If he says ‘good idea I’ve never met them so they can confirm this’ he might be telling the truth. If he deflects and is defensive then he’s lying.

But even if this is some fucked up set of coincidences (it’s not) then isn’t it enough that he’s engaging in these FB / telegram groups? That is not a way a committed partner with integrity behaves. You already said he’s manipulative and has treated you badly in the past. What do you think will change?

DoYouReally · 13/07/2025 17:56

You're focusing on the details.

You need to look at the bigger picture.

You have spent the best part of 20 years in a dysfunctional relationship.

By you own admission-

You have split up multiple times.
You've fought for this relationship over and over.
You have give it chance after chance.
You can't trust him.
He lies to you when the truth is staring both of you in the face.

STOP. It doesn't work and won't work. You deserve better. So do your children.

Lactofull · 13/07/2025 18:08

DoYouReally · 13/07/2025 17:56

You're focusing on the details.

You need to look at the bigger picture.

You have spent the best part of 20 years in a dysfunctional relationship.

By you own admission-

You have split up multiple times.
You've fought for this relationship over and over.
You have give it chance after chance.
You can't trust him.
He lies to you when the truth is staring both of you in the face.

STOP. It doesn't work and won't work. You deserve better. So do your children.

Exactly

sadly I think it’s too ingrained for any change

Lactofull · 13/07/2025 18:11

Painkiller13 · 13/07/2025 17:03

I just need to be stronger this time, I’ve always been a push over. And he manipulates me, I know he’ll try and squirm out of it like he already has, he is absolutely adamant it isn’t him. I’m annoyed I didn’t get any more exact proof like a face pic so I could say I know it’s you. Which I already know but it’s kind of like he lies to himself, like I have to prove to him for it to be real . X

Show quote history

Really op. Who cares whether you get “proof”? You shouldn’t!

When you feel yourself going back to him, again, think about the example this relationship is for your children. Think about how shit this drama is for them.

chatgptsbestmate · 13/07/2025 18:19

Painkiller13 · 13/07/2025 16:36

I know, I need to think that life will get better but right now I’m in that horrible pit of agonising pain. I know I need to move past this but Jesus is it hard, I honestly don’t think in my lifetime that I will ever get over this, It has broken me.

Show quote history

I appreciate that it's difficult now.....but imagine how much more difficult it will be should you stay with the wanker. He's damaged goods and you'll NEVER be able to trust him again

If you won't respect yourself, respect your children

chatgptsbestmate · 13/07/2025 18:21

Painkiller13 · 13/07/2025 17:03

I just need to be stronger this time, I’ve always been a push over. And he manipulates me, I know he’ll try and squirm out of it like he already has, he is absolutely adamant it isn’t him. I’m annoyed I didn’t get any more exact proof like a face pic so I could say I know it’s you. Which I already know but it’s kind of like he lies to himself, like I have to prove to him for it to be real . X

Show quote history

You'll never be able to prove its definitely him and even if you had cast iron proof, he'd deny it

Don't waste the next 17 years of your life on this vile man

chatgptsbestmate · 13/07/2025 18:22

Painkiller13 · 13/07/2025 16:51

He’s gone. He’s packed his stuff and gone. I just needed to hear I was right I think, I just needed to get it all of my chest and see if anyone could pick anything up from this that I might have missed or if anyone did think he might be innocent. Honestly my mind has exploded and I’m all over the place.

Show quote history

Thank god he's gone. See a solicitor tomorrow and start living for you and the kids from today