Do abusive parents ever think we might cut them off?

[NeverAgainChild]

When parents are abusive towards their child, do they consider that their actions have consequences that last a lifetime, or wether they want a relationship in the future with their child - or does it not matter enough to change?
If you are a parent who is estranged from your adult child, especially if your behaviour contributed to it, or if you are someone who has cut contact with abusive parents, what are your thoughts?

I dont think most abusive parents give a shit they clearly dont want you as a kid so their not going to want you as an adult

I think it was quite a shock for my parents. They got away with it for so long that I think they assumed everything was going to stay the same. Drunk with the power of it all really.
The pushback from them when we cut them off definitely made it clear they were pretty stunned and outraged that there were consequences to their behaviour.

They don’t think they’re in the wrong. And when the cut off happens, they’re the victims because the child is delusional, got it all wrong, influenced by the spouse etc. The abusive parent has a knack for turning it around.

It’s absolutely their truth. There’s almost no malice in it because that’s the only way they can see themselves/the world. It just IS for them.

So, no. They don’t think they’re cut off can happen because 1) they’ve been great and 2) it’s someone else’s fault if it does.

If you genuinely thought you were great, martyrs etc etc, why would you think something bad would come back on you?

This.

Very few people are deliberately badly behaved. They don’t perceive their behaviour as abusive. They perceive others as neglectful/inconsiderate/incompetent/malicious.

All their demands are simply their due, by their lights.

Pretty much nobody ever thinks they are wrong. If you cut them off it just confirms what they always thought about you. That you were difficult, rude, abusive to them, mentally ill, selfish, whatever is there core belief about you.

My f was abusive since I was old enough to remember. He ruled the house including dm through threats, bullying, violence. Not a pleasant man.
When I told him I was going to university, he told me he'd cut me off without a penny if I did. I fell about laughing. As if I would ever want anything from him.
He was genuinely outraged when I disobeyed him. He went NC, which was brilliant. Saved me doing it. According to dm he spent the next 30 years expecting me to come crawling back. Meanwhile I graduated, had an international career, bought houses, had dc.
He died still expecting me to plead to come back. I don't think he ever realised 18 years in his house had made me utterly indifferent to him.

It never occurred to him that he didn't matter.

This.
100% this in my experience.

It has made it very easy to go no contact as there is zero awareness, zero fucks given and I don’t even think it has been noticed from the lack of any kind of contact from them.

Agree with this and a PP’s “no fucks given”

I used to think (of the ILs who we all cut off), “how can they sit there day after day knowing their kids want nothing to do with them and they can’t just say sorry?”…and then it dawned on me. They’re just not thinking about it. At all.

I don't think my DM cared but she hated being told anything and her expectations of our relationship was that she was provided for financially and emotionally and put first. She never once, even when I was small, put me first. When she died she didn't have one photo of me but had large photos of her Great nephew and niece who she had never met.

I agree with all of you posters. My dad was an abusive narcissist and only ever put his own needs first. He was overbearing, manipulative and as an adult I could barely be in his presence for more than 10 mins. If I named some of the behaviours and the things he done over the time you wouldn’t believe it, the utter entitlement and selfishness.

I’m pretty much NC because I feel indifferent to him. He’s now 80 and struggling and just about coping living alone. Whilst I don’t think it’s nice to hear someone struggling, I don’t feel any compulsion to help him myself. Never once did he help me so you reap what you sow I guess. So materialistic all of these years but couldnt even remember my birthday or the birthdays of my kids! Too busy with different women but now he’s too old for that and he’s at the start of what seems to be dementia, he’s got no one. Again you reap what you sow.

I did message him last week to say I know of a career that could perhaps help him and how much she’d charge. Well, he phoned me 7 times in 3 minutes. I hate speaking to him at the best of times as he domineers the conversation and moans and twines and I can tolerate it! I was busy with my kids so I didn’t answer. I thought that’s typical of him. Epitome of what makes him a bad head. Who calls someone 7 times consecutively unless it’s an emergency?? No one that’s who! Not him, no social decorum and no ability to think from someone else’s perspective except his own. Most people would think they must be busy. Not him. He wants to speak to me so he’ll ring and ring and ring and ring! He’s the type of person that would know I on your door and if you didn’t answer, he wouldn’t think I’ll leave it. No no, he’d be banging on the front window, peering in to the living room, totally invading your personal space.

So to answer the question, no I don’t think l they think we’ll cut them off because they don’t think they’ve done wrong. They are mainly narcissistic so only see things from their selfish perspective. They’ll play the victim

Hmm,, your question is a bit flawed. Abusive parents rarely see that it is THEIR behaviour that has led to the estrangement. They will look vacant & with all honesty declare they have no idea what they have done, it is all the fault of their ungrateful child. They have a completely different 'made up' version of events in their heads which they will stand by, to death. This absolves them of any need to ever apologise or humble themselves to help their adult dc heal & for tgem to change. Any mention of specific incidents where they were were cruel or outrageously unreasonable is met with shocked emotional outbursts, complete dismissal & minimising which is why, for these types of parents, that are a very 'special category', reconciliation never happens.

There is so much nonsense spoken about 'abusive' parents on here.
Barring actual abuse, a lot of it boils down to you were not brought up the way it's considered the 'best' way to bring up children now.
And as parents today are absolutely convinced their way is the best way, and will be considered such for ever onwards, they see anything other than kind hands, no shouting and dancing around your child's feeling as 'abuse'.
In most instances - as I say, barring actual abuse and violence, parents bring up their children in the accepted style of the time, just as today's parents are doing.
The difference is that previous generations of parents didn't have social media to congratulate themselves with the fantastic job they are doing, how right they are and how every parent before them got things wrong.

My father is abusive and has been cut off by his kids, grandkids, his siblings, had a hateful relationship with his own parents and is divorced. He thinks he’s the centre of the universe and that the rest of us are just pawns in his empire. He makes awful comments (any category of person he doesn’t like should be burned or drowned) and thinks people are just going to tolerate it. I haven’t seen him for years. I know he badges this up as “Spha doesn’t communicate” as though it’s my issue. Forgetting of course that nobody speaks to him and the rest of us are all fine.

I think my mother knew on some level. Once when I stopped engaging as much as and before I even contemplated cutting them off I received a call from my dad that I 'cant do this to them that I don't want anything to do with them'.

But I think it was because in our messed up world conflict meant that youd just cut people off like they had done many times themselves. I don't think they saw the impact of their behaviour on me, how they ruined my childhood and continued to abuse me as an adult. I don't think they admit to themselves that they messed up, but are telling themselves a story in which I remain the scapegoat.

The vast majority of parents will forever claim that they have no idea why they got cut off. I think many of those know they behaved unacceptably, but don't see this as a good enough reason for their child to go no contact or set any kind of boundary.

Abusive parents are the ones who become emotional needy later on in life

Tell us you are the problem without telling us you are the problem.

Yeah I thought it might be 🙄
If it suits your agenda to identify as an 'abuse victim', then crack on.
We all like being a victim these days, especially if it gives a handy excuse for everything wrong in your life

Keep going. Tell on yourself.

Sorry I have no idea what you mean by 'tell on yourself'

I know you don't. But children that went NC with parents like you do. You have been projecting on a grande scale. What you said about me wasn't about me. You told everyone how messed up your thinking is. You spoke about yourself. And you wont acknowledge it.

My exH was emotionally, psychologically and financially abusive to me and my three (now adult DDs). He was also sexually abusive to me.
He ended up in prison for arson when he tried to burn down the family home.
Me and youngest DD23 have a 15 year injunction against him. DD28 and DD30 have nothing to do with him at all.

He now lives alone in the family home (the one he set fire to).
He doesn't work and spends most of the day in the pub.
I was in the car the other day and passed him walking along (to the pub) he didn't see me and he looked terrible. Red and bloated, walking very slowly like an old man (he is only 55)

He 100% thinks he's the victim. He posts on Social Media about parental alienation and how family courts treat fathers terribly. He doesn't seem to realise he has no power over his daughters anymore.

@Katypp, read the room.

And stop de-railing. Answer the OP or else take your tone deaf and close-minded thoughts elsewhere. Cheers.

Trigger warning-rape

My parents where very much of the thought 'please yourself,youll come snivelling back'

I didn't and they don't care

The smear campaign has to be seen to be believed-people I've never met,hate me (looking at you sister in law,never met her but ive heard her spite)

My mother is a narcissist (I know that's banded about like sweets,but she really is) ,my father enables her for a quiet life,I'm the scapegoat and my brothers take it in turns to be the golden children

They can't see what they've done over the years,the abuse,the control,the meddling in my life and my relationships,the lies,stealing my money,the bad mouthing of me,the undermining of everything I did trying to stand side by side with my rapist in court,knowing he was guilty but going by the thought of 'well,she asked for it and the poor defenceless man couldnt help himself'-that list goes on and on

(thankfully he told them to piss off so they stalked him for months,trying to get him to 'see the truth about her' He even had to stop them from entering court as he was starting to get scared of them,even the police where 'wtf?' They did stand outside trying to stop me from entering court and giving evidence until they where moved on)

They cannot look at themselves and see where they went wrong it's all my fault for not being the perfect dd making mistakes as I went through life and it's me that's evil,nothing to do with them and what type of parents where where-in their eyes they where perfect

They are starting to get older now and fully expect me to go running back to do their caring for them (in their eyes women do the dirty work and men reap the rewards)

They can jog on-im not doing any of their caring duties,my brothers can do it or they can spend their money paying some poor soul to do it

My brothers have agreed that I'm 'selfish and evil' for not going running back to help 'our poor parents out' (let's face it,they want maximum inheritance when the time comes-its the only reason they stick around)

They've reaped what they've sown but they'll never understand it

Families are complex, my father would hit me occasionally when he was stressed and was abusive to my mother he was also neglectful. But there were glimmers of happy times too. He went no contact with his mother she was very controlling, when she passed away he was heartbroken for the relationship he wished he had. I don't really see my parents now if I don't have to we aren't close. My mother uses guilt to keep me in tow but as I get older I see the manipulation. As a parent my children are all grown up I don't feel the need to be in constant contact they have busy lives, they are all very close with each other though and speak to each other everyday and I love that. I was never allowed a relationship with my brother without my mother being involved.