Do abusive parents ever think we might cut them off?

[NeverAgainChild]

When parents are abusive towards their child, do they consider that their actions have consequences that last a lifetime, or wether they want a relationship in the future with their child - or does it not matter enough to change?
If you are a parent who is estranged from your adult child, especially if your behaviour contributed to it, or if you are someone who has cut contact with abusive parents, what are your thoughts?

Thanks for sharing. Really interesting particularly the line about emotion creates reality.

In my case M definitely doesn't remember events as they panned out. I thought it ws me until I realised she was ill and it was happening to other people across her life course.

Low to no contact was essential for my own wellbeing and that of my family. But did M ever see why? Occasionally I think she had some insight, until the next big emotional drama reared its head. But she rewrote a lot of narratives in her time.

In all honesty I don't think they do. My inlaws are abusive. They've been abusive to my husband and to myself. Well over 15 years of constant toxic disgusting jealous behaviour all covered up by family is family and you stick by each other. The middle brother is especially disgusting and violent , he also calls their other siblings children awful names behind their backs, and their sil the most disgusting names behind her back all enabled by fil and mil. The sil is oblivious by the way. She thinks the sun shines out of their backsides because shes not aware of whats being said about her, the kids and even her parents. My inlaws say nasty, vile things about absolutely everyone behind their backs. We are now estranged from them all following a threat of violence aimed at me and for the last two years mil post pics online of my husband trying to obtain sympathy for the estrangement, but fails to tell anyone the full story and how she use to beat my husband with a stick in his teens or how fil use to kick him repeatedly. Shes even turned up at our house swearing at me and when i swore back she went and told everyone i called her names but again failed to mention her words to me. Now apparently mil has cancer and of course shes playing the sympathy card... were as I dont wish cancer on her I dont have sympathy. Sympathy should be reserved for ppl who were kind in good health not those who use cancer as a weapon against their family. Theres also no support from ppl when you go no contact. A few ppl (who dont really know everything) have said to me well its his family and you cant cut them out. ppl tend to put themselves in the same position but imagine their own families, so they just dont understand how you can go no contact but you why would you keep someone who is so vile in your life purely under the disguise of 'family'.

I was an only child and for all those years we were very very close.mum would come and stay with me when I lived away.everytime I got a few days off work,I'd go home and surprise them.
However when I had my son,now 24 it all changed,then when I had my daughter now 20,my parents turned against me.without going into detail,then turned against me,and as I result I had to walk away and it broke my heart.it lead me to almost taking me life.

@LadyBanana - I used to worry about repeating my DM's behaviours but I had an amazing DF to model parenting from and I've raised my DS and treated both my DS and my DSD as the exact opposite of her. I'm not a narcissist so that's a good start.

Being a mother made me question how she could even begin to be cruel to me and blame me for everything. How she couldn't want the best for me and to be on my side like other mothers. I find it bizarre.

For those of you who went NC with your parents, did you speak to them prior to let them know of your thoughts and why going NC was a solution?

I'm low contact with dm. She is completely unaware of others having emotional connections. She has never had an emotional connection to any of her dc. She criticises relentlessly, bullies, manipulates, lies to garner sympathy. She wouldn't be able to understand why. She'd make up a narrative that it's nothing to do with her and carry on with her day. Having told her exactly how much she has damaged and hurt me, she takes from this that I'm low contact because of the health issues I have. I'm apparently paranoid.

Why is this thread affecting you so much? It's not the people that are posting, you don't know them, there is something that is happening or has happened to you that means this thread and the talk of having awful parents is really getting to you. Perhaps step back and have a think why that is. It's always good to look at one's extreme reactions.

You'll also be amazed at the many many successful people around you, who don't whinge and play the victim but have had difficult childhoods. It will blow your mind. The very opposite of what you are suggesting.

As a spouse, I am grappling with this now. Husband is very severe with DC at times and when I point it out and say that he may lose them one day, his response is that I manipulate DC.

I think it’s important to note how painful it is for those who have to cut off people and often comes after a very long time living in a very toxic difficult situation . Bare also in mind that recovery/pain can go on for years too . I’m sure no one wants this and would love a caring family

My father either genuinely doesn't remember, or pretends not to remember the awful things he's said to me in the past. So I can't imagine I'd ever get an acknowledgement from him. He has cast me in the role of 'over-sensitive' and 'thinks she's better than us' and that won't change.

I left home very young and haven't moved back to the area, and he has expressed surprise about that. Which in turn surprised me, because why the fuck would I come back to an area where my main contact expresses his dislike of me quite regularly??! I do think he is largely oblivious to the effects of his words.

(Grey rock him, not cut off, but v separate lives which suits me ok at the moment.)