Do abusive parents ever think we might cut them off?

[NeverAgainChild]

When parents are abusive towards their child, do they consider that their actions have consequences that last a lifetime, or wether they want a relationship in the future with their child - or does it not matter enough to change?
If you are a parent who is estranged from your adult child, especially if your behaviour contributed to it, or if you are someone who has cut contact with abusive parents, what are your thoughts?

OP, is this something you’re considering doing with your parents?

From my experience with a whole family fall out with my ILs, which I do think is largely textbook in its course, you’d probably get a bit of outrage at first if you confronted them rather than slow-faded, then a few pathetic cries for attention (we had a “cancer scare” two weeks after the confrontation, at which they said they would reconvene to air out all everyone else’s failings…never happened), an occasional manipulative text, a fake apology, and then once it hit about 18 months/two years, not a peep. Bliss.

This ^

The sooner we make peace with the fact that they won't change, the better it is for our own mental health.

And this is true not just regarding the abuser, but also their enablers. My dad is the abusive one. Before going low contact, I revealed the abuse to my mum. She is completely unable to see her partner as an abuser. We had long discussions by chat. She even went through them with her therapist. It doesn't compute.

I don’t think the majority of people fo NC with their parents for fun do you? If someone has loving, involved parents who love them and their grandchildren, do you honestly think people go NC? As yourself why on earth they would go to that extreme. Having a good supper network and close ties with good parents is something people wouldn’t give up without good reason.

My abuser has never acknowledged the extent of his abuse. I don’t know if it is denial, delusion, or he truly does not remember due to addiction.

villains rarely see themselves as villains. They certainly aren’t going to understand why people react poorly to their actions.

I'm rarely see my parents who were very emotionally abusive throughout my childhood. I don't think that they particularly care. They weren't cut out to be parents and I think that they were glad to see the back of me when I moved out at 17.

I always post this on these sorts of threads. It was so helpful to me, so hopefully it resonates with some of you: https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

That sounds more like my DS who I would not be surprised if he went NC/LC in the future.

You read the whole piece?

Usually abusive people don't see what they do as wrong. If people go no contact I'm sure they frame it in their mind as that person being abusive or some other nonsense.

Why do you expect your child to go low or no contact with you?

Yes.

Because he tells me he will.

Insightful.

You read the whole piece, which is about parents who are unable to recognise or accept the reasons their children cut them off, and your response was ‘That sounds more like my DS who I would not be surprised if he went NC/LC in the future’.

I genuinely don’t know how to respond to that.

Does anyone worry that if they had abusive parents that they themselves have unconsciously repeated similar behaviours and this rubs off on their own parenting? I have children in their twenties and I worry that I’ve repeated stuff (I hope I haven’t but if I don’t know I’m doing it then how do I know?). I don’t phone DCs once a week - I WhatsApp them funny memes which I think they will like or send a message to keep them in the loop so everything is happily cordial but we don’t see each other that often as there is 100 miles physical distant and they have their own lives?

What insight are you looking for?

You're not getting this at all are you? Your child has said directly they will go low or no contact with you. It's safe to assume there's a reason(s) for this. People don't cut off good parents. So, I'm asking you, why do you think your child will go no contact? That is, what have you done to make them want to having no more to do with you or very little?

Well, quite.

I think it’s a perfectly natural thing to worry about. I also think that the fact you’re worrying about it means you’ve done (and will do) your very best not to repeat said behaviours. And that’s all you can really do.

I worry about it, but only have toddler DC, so time will tell. For what it’s worth, I’d love a mum who What’s Apped me funny memes.

That's odd because most children will make excuses for abusive parents, love them, do anything to please them, blame themselves.

Realisation of abuse only comes with adulthood and recognising hangups or trauma. Seeing control and manipulation for what it is and finding the strength to walk away.

Yes. My concern too. My dm's treatment of her dil was appalling. I've decided to move away when my ds pairs up, so I can't pop in, pass comment on anything or be accused of or tempted to interefere, and will retreat to a safe distance. I want my ds to be happy with his life partner. They can come and visit if they want to.

That's not all you can do. I'm afraid I consider this a pretty lazy saying.

If you truly worry and are ready to reflect beyond of what you are aware of you might consider working with a therapist.

@Icecreamhelps this is so insightful- “was never allowed a relationship with my brother without my mother being involved.”

DM hates me seeing family without her. Hates parties where friends and inlaws are invited.

She really doesn’t manage relationships well, and other people’s relationships are particularly galling 🤣

It’s control and narcissism. She is the main character, how dare the other people exists when she isn’t there. They are supporting actors, they aren’t supposed to have lives of their own!

I also worry about repeating behaviours.

There are distinct and avoidable attitudes though-
criticising
offering opinions about someone or something else unasked
trying to persuade someone to agree with you.

If your DC can have an opinion that you don’t agree with, if they can wear clothes you wouldn’t choose yourself, if they are allowed to say ‘no’, then you haven’t repeated the mistakes

But….
Theres a whole other set @Meadowfinch amd @LadyBanana hint at- being so very boundaried and careful not to impose that it’s hard to build or sustain the relationship.

It’s easy to be so avoidant in our desire not to be a burden that we just disappear out of their lives.

He doesn’t like the way I parent him, he’s not an adult yet so I hope I’m wrong, but I respect his lived reality, even though that’s more in line with the article of being ‘shouted at’ with no real detail of past events.

He told me a few weeks ago I will not be seeing him over the 6 weeks holidays.