When should I move away from kids? Please share your experiences

[Whentomove]

I have been amicably separated from DH for six years. We coparent and live in same small village with DS who is 16 and DD who is first year university. I work away most of the week so kids stay three nights including weekends with me and their dad has them four nights. All very friendly and we help each other out with shopping, bins, lifts for kids, hospital appointments etc.

I have been with my partner for four years. We are all late fifties. He lives an hour away - closer to my work and I stay at his four nights a week. Kids have met him and like him.

Looking ahead my partner wants us to live together and get married. I thought this would happen when DS leaves home in two years. I could then move in with my partner and rent out my current small house or let my eldest use it if they want to move back to the village after graduation. However I am now realising it is very unlikely my kids will come and visit/stay with me or spend time at my partners house once we are married. They will naturally want to spend their university holidays in their home village. They are also protective of their dad (who can be reclusive and will very likely not find a new partner) and they worry about him becoming totally isolated if I am not here. They have previously said they don’t want me to marry again but I think because of worrying about their dad.

I don’t know how to handle all this or have the right conversations with my kids, their dad, and my new partner. It seems totally reasonable for my new partner to want my commitment to our future living together. But it seems this means choosing not to see my kids. Any advice or similar experiences to share please?

thank you

Don’t leave your kids there to be carers to your ex. Is your DD commuting to uni? Will DS be moving out for uni? I’d be trying to encourage their independence.

I cannot imagine choosing to not see my kids. I literally can’t comprehend it.
I would walk over broken glass to see them every day.

These will be ADULT children, not babies.

My son (28) lives an hour away, my daughter (26) lives in Australia. Chances are that Ops kids will move away from the village anyway.

Op, I would wait until your son leaves for Uni.

Thank you. Yes I also love being with my kids and we have a very strong relationship. My DD is staying away at university but that leaves five or six minutes when she is at home and I imagine it will be similar for my DS.

I also imagine they will both quickly find work in cities elsewhere.

Doesn’t matter whether they two or 42 in my opinion then moving away from you is an entirely different matter from you moving away from them.
My comment still stands

Thank you sunseasex. This is exactly the dilemma. I think they will be long gone and I will regret if I stay around in the village….

i suspect they will also have a more mature understanding of my adult relationship in due course and perhaps come and stay?

my new partner very open to having their dad over for Christmas etc . But don’t even know how to start this conversation with my kids and ex!

Personally I would talk to them and explain your plans but try not to let them feel obligated towards you or your ex

My ex doesn’t need ‘caring’ for as such. He is very independent but not great at being around people other than his kids and his work. He is not social and this is why our marriage failed in the end. He wouldn’t even eat dinner with me or go out with me. When the kids are at his place they all eat separately and sadly this pattern is also engrained in kids now.

If you and your partner have a good relationship and he is kind to your children and makes them feel welcome, of course they will come visit you as adults.

My mum met someone and moved about 4 hours away from where I grew up. I used to go visit her there every chance I got. MIL, on the other hand, moved her wanker of a partner into the family home and dh hasn’t visited in a decade because partner is an abusive jerk and doesn’t allow anyone to visit.

Most people go off to uni or get jobs and make work friends and don’t really want to come home and hang out with old school friends anymore. Most old school friends move away and make new friends anyway. If they want to come home, it’s for the comfort of being with family. I wouldn’t move while your ds is in school or even early uni years, but after that, as long as he still has a family home that you create with your partner and is welcome and your relationship is strong, he will visit.

Why can’t your partner move?

I don’t know a single adult with their own lives and families who sees their parents every day.

OP I think I would wait until your son finishes uni, if he chooses to go, as presumably he would still prefer to come home to your house during holidays. It also gives you a few years to finalise things. Could you compromise, and move half an hour away, and your partner move half an hour nearer?

If it wasn’t for your boyfriend, would you be considering leaving where you live now?

I’d park any conversation about it with your boyfriend until DC2 completes A levels (or whatever they’re doing to 18/19), and make no promises to your BF about what you might then want to do.

I’d then see how the relationship between your BF and DC develops over time and how your DC get on.

I knew a fair few people who at university age considered one or both parents’ homes with new partners were not their home, and felt they had nowhere to go (where they felt comfortable) in holidays or when jobseeking after graduating. They got on with it, paying for housing and staying with parents only if they had no other options, eg illnese/injury/redundancy, but it wasn’t nice, and with the economic situation and cost of living things are more difficult for young people now.

So in your situation I’d probably want to wait until DC2 completed university and got a job with prospects and housing. Unless DC got on v well with BF and the property you’d be moving to was big with space for DC to stay and BF willing.

Every day? Really? When they’re young adults? I’m afraid you will probably find that they have different ideas.

Some children choose stay with the flock, some fledge and travel the world barely seeing parents from 1 year to the next.

whilst son is at school id say stay, but once off to uni I say live your own life.

I say this all the time “there is only one persons, choice's,actions, reactions and emotions you can control and that person is you!”

if they dont want to visit you because you moved away its up to you to travel to them….. whatever you do with your life choose happiness not martyrdom.

Agree with the PP that adult children probably won’t visit home much.

But the issue the OP is worried about is that if she moves they may not visit her at all - as it won’t be their home/hometown.

There’s a big difference between seeing your adult kids occasionally and seeing them never.

I think that since their dad has been their main parent and is around all the time, his home will be the one they come home to. If OP moves away to somewhere they have no ties to, to live in her boyfriend’s house they are very unlikely to want to spend much time there. It might mean that OP would have to be the one travelling to her old hometown or to wherever they are living to see them. I personally wouldn’t do it until they are properly settled somewhere else (not in uni) and see how that looks. It sounds like a pretty good setup the way it is, and teenagers are easy to upset and choosing to move away from them would definitely do that.

I can't imagine ever feeling comfortable making a conscious decision to move away from my kids, but mine are still really young and I know there's a high chance they will move far away from here when they are older. We live in a beautiful, safe little village but it's very rural, and I'm sure they will get drawn to the big city lights as they grow. I personally think I would wait a few more years until they've finished their education and see where life takes them. They may want to stay locally if you're still in the area, I love the idea of my children (and potential grandchildren) being here and us being a big close family, but I know they may have other plans, and wouldn't want to hold them back. I wouldn't want to be the one to move away and create the distance though. But, I love where I live, and I understand you want to be nearer your partner. Could he not move closer to you?

Thank you. That’s so encouraging to hear. 🙏

There’s lots to think about in here - thank you. I would not want to stay in this village long term. It’s too small and not enough going on for me.

my partners home is lovely and big and he chose it specifically to make sure there was enough room for when my children are adults. So they would feel it is their home too.

its been good advice I think to see how the relationship between my partner and children evolves over the next two years.

i cant ‘park’ the conversation with my partner thing as he wants some assurance about my intentions Ashe is making choices based on my future needs (house with space for kids, commuting distance to my work etc etc)

I can imagine keeping my house in the village during their university years and coming back for time with them if they return to the village.

its been very helpful hearing the different perspectives. Thank you.

I love mumsnet!

Depending on your priorities you can’t make the assurances he’s likely seeking, or might change your mind. If he’s reasonable he’ll understand that, make decisions as he thinks best, and not seek any financial commitments from you at this time.

Will your kids really come home to their village every university holiday?

Maybe that's what kids do now but I didn't and not did most of my friends. Did a lot of travelling, working, stayed in my university house etc

If you don’t marry your partner you would be able to keep your house and spend some time there and some at your partners house. The downside is the cost of running your house and not living in it for a significant portion of time