When should I move away from kids? Please share your experiences

[Whentomove]

I have been amicably separated from DH for six years. We coparent and live in same small village with DS who is 16 and DD who is first year university. I work away most of the week so kids stay three nights including weekends with me and their dad has them four nights. All very friendly and we help each other out with shopping, bins, lifts for kids, hospital appointments etc.

I have been with my partner for four years. We are all late fifties. He lives an hour away - closer to my work and I stay at his four nights a week. Kids have met him and like him.

Looking ahead my partner wants us to live together and get married. I thought this would happen when DS leaves home in two years. I could then move in with my partner and rent out my current small house or let my eldest use it if they want to move back to the village after graduation. However I am now realising it is very unlikely my kids will come and visit/stay with me or spend time at my partners house once we are married. They will naturally want to spend their university holidays in their home village. They are also protective of their dad (who can be reclusive and will very likely not find a new partner) and they worry about him becoming totally isolated if I am not here. They have previously said they don’t want me to marry again but I think because of worrying about their dad.

I don’t know how to handle all this or have the right conversations with my kids, their dad, and my new partner. It seems totally reasonable for my new partner to want my commitment to our future living together. But it seems this means choosing not to see my kids. Any advice or similar experiences to share please?

thank you

He does the same with his dad, meets up in town. Ex-h also lives about 30 mins from London

It isn’t an easy decision. But I think you should, once DS is 18 and at uni, move in with your partner and fully commit to your life with him. Your DC will be busy building their own lives. Eventually they will understand your predicament and your reasons for leaving the village.
They won’t be better off for you being unhappy, and potentially single, if you stay.

I think it’s different when it’s the kids who make the decision to move away. As a parent I wouldn’t intentionally make it harder for my kids to see me, but they have to start their lives, go to where the work is etc. That is a natural process and stage of life. I’m not saying OP has to stay where she is indefinitely, but at least I think she should until the kids have settled properly somewhere.

It’s extremely normal behaviour. Society has only changed in the last 50 years to be anything other than family orientated in constant contact with our support network..
You could say there are health reasons, physical and mental health reasons why families live together. It’s worked very well until capitalism decided that there was money to be made by dividing people into little boxes.

Yes. 50 years ago when fewer people went to university, it was less easy to travel, so people had to work locally, the internet opened people up to see how big the world was. And, to be honest, 50 years ago I was 12, and I can promise you that many of my friends had fathers who worked away from home during the week, and as soon as my sister moved out of home, my parents did not see her every day. Maybe once a week. That is normal. How can people go to work and find time to see their mother every day and lead a normal life?

Like anything isn’t it ? if you want to you will
If you don’t, you won’t

There are 24 hours in a day.

I mean... Your partner lives an hour away. I think all of this sounds really parochial

I would wait until they are both truly moved out. That doesn’t mean student housing. That means they are employed, have signed a lease or bought an home, and their mail and everything are now registered at their permanent address.

A massive thank you for sharing your experiences and views with me.

There are some comments which resonate about not growing old in a village and how young people in their twenties gravitate to cities anyway

their relationship with my partner will be key. I would like my ex to get in well with my new partner and feel I should ask them to meet sometime?

does anyone have any tips here? As I said my ex is highly unlikely to have another relationship so I want him to feel supported should he need it

You sound lovely but I think you are giving too much headspace to your ex's feelings

I have kids in their early 20s - one at uni and one a year into working. I split up with my wife 2 years ago and have dated a bit recently. I realised that I can’t envisage living with anyone again until such time as my kids are well settled into their own adult lives, ie settled in homes (as opposed to house shares), because they come home a lot still and if I were to move in with someone, I don’t think they would. I want my children always to feel that my home is their home, the place they can come to whenever they need, and be comfortable. I’m fine with this. It does mean that I ended something with someone who was quite focused on dating-living together-marriage as the trajectory of the relationship she wanted. But I don’t want to put a relationship ahead of my kids’ needs. I think you can have a fulfilling and loving relationship as a middle aged adult without co-habiting.

I think your idea of moving when your youngest starts uni, but keeping your property in the village for when they visit or need somewhere to stay sounds very sensible if you can afford it.
I don’t think your exh needs to meet your DP. If they ever do, it would be better if it happened organically.

I'm divorced with young adult dcs, university age. I also meet an awful lot of people in my job who are juggling second relationships/marriages and adult dcs.

In your position, I'd let it evolve naturally. Keep your place, but you will be able to stay at your partner's more when your dcs are both away. Doesn't change the commitment to your partner, it just reflects the fact that you have children.

When they're old enough to have their own places, and "home" is their own place, then absolutely you can move, but I would seriously keep your house for now.

I wouldn't worry about your ex though. Once the dcs are adults, you don't need to factor him in, as you won't be co parenting any more.

I'm divorced with young adult dcs, university age. I also meet an awful lot of people in my job who are juggling second relationships/marriages and adult dcs.

In your position, I'd let it evolve naturally. Keep your place, but you will be able to stay at your partner's more when your dcs are both away. Doesn't change the commitment to your partner, it just reflects the fact that you have children.

When they're old enough to have their own places, and "home" is their own place, then absolutely you can move, but I would seriously keep your house for now.

I wouldn't worry about your ex though. Once the dcs are adults, you don't need to factor him in, as you won't be co parenting any more.

Go for it. There are no guarantees where adult children are concerned. You said your DP chose his house with you and your kids in mind and they get on well, so there is no reason why they would not feel welcome. If it's a nicer house, more convenient location and more suitable for WFH for example they may prefer it to their dad's place. It's only an hour away anyway, you can easily see them if they are there.
Why would you need to arrange for your ex and your partner to meet? They will meet at family events anyway?
It sounds like you'd benefit from some distance from your ex, live your life. It's time he managed without you.

I think if it were me, I'd need to leave it until the children were a little older. Late teens / early twenties can be a rough ride for youngsters sometimes. I would always want my child to feel that, if they needed to, they had the home they were used to available to them, and could come and move home for a short time if ever they needed to as a young adult.

I lived independently right after university for a couple of years, but they were hard years emotionally - the knock back after knock back when applying for grad jobs, a tricky relationship ending with the bf I had at uni, and then a bereavement. Financial struggles, burning the candle at both ends drinking and working etc. It all got a bit much and I went home to regroup when I was 22, and that sorted me right out. I saved up and then bought a house at 25 and never looked back - from that point onwards life went on the up and I was fully independent then. I am always thankful my Mum took me in without question when life was hard at the time. She still prioritised me even though I was an adult.

I'm not saying all parents should put their own lives on hold on the off chance their kid has a shit time in their twenties, but I think it can be a vulnerable stage for young people and I wouldn't want to rock their boat any further by making big life changes, until I was happy they were settled and happy in their own lives.