When should I move away from kids? Please share your experiences

[Whentomove]

I have been amicably separated from DH for six years. We coparent and live in same small village with DS who is 16 and DD who is first year university. I work away most of the week so kids stay three nights including weekends with me and their dad has them four nights. All very friendly and we help each other out with shopping, bins, lifts for kids, hospital appointments etc.

I have been with my partner for four years. We are all late fifties. He lives an hour away - closer to my work and I stay at his four nights a week. Kids have met him and like him.

Looking ahead my partner wants us to live together and get married. I thought this would happen when DS leaves home in two years. I could then move in with my partner and rent out my current small house or let my eldest use it if they want to move back to the village after graduation. However I am now realising it is very unlikely my kids will come and visit/stay with me or spend time at my partners house once we are married. They will naturally want to spend their university holidays in their home village. They are also protective of their dad (who can be reclusive and will very likely not find a new partner) and they worry about him becoming totally isolated if I am not here. They have previously said they don’t want me to marry again but I think because of worrying about their dad.

I don’t know how to handle all this or have the right conversations with my kids, their dad, and my new partner. It seems totally reasonable for my new partner to want my commitment to our future living together. But it seems this means choosing not to see my kids. Any advice or similar experiences to share please?

thank you

I would wait until my youngest was at least 23, so a couple of years after they finish uni.

Loads move back home permanently now due to COL.

My mum remarried when I was in my early 30's and she moved into her new husband's house. Their house has never been my home, it's always 'Bob's' house. I have always felt like a visitor there not a family member.

I think this is exactly how it will be. They won't have ever lived in this house so it will never have been their home. It will be more like going to visit a friend or an aunt or something. I think it depends on what kind of relationship OP wants with her kids. If she wants them to feel comfortable coming and staying over and spending lots of time with them then moving to the new man's house will be detrimental to the relationship. If she's happy to take the approach that they are older now, they have their dad's house as a base and should be happy to just meet up for lunch or something then moving in with the boyfriend will be fine.

Its the same though if parents are together and then move to a house and the DC have never lived there.

I realise that but that's a bit different to being at home in a village throughout university

If nothing else, I would have assumed COL meant needing to work which would be easier in a city/elsewhere

I also don't think many young adults are able to find work after university in a village

It’s not the same @AvidJadeShaker for young adults in the situation of OP’s DC a big factor is the new partner, whose home it is.

But then both parents are in the same place. Now the options are going to be to go and stay with their dad with whom they are already living with the majority of the time or go and stay with mum in her new partner's house. I would assume they would pick going to stay with their dad every time. I know I would have. I would have still met up with my mum but I wouldn't spend extended time at their house if I had a better option.

Surely it depends a lot on where the OP is moving to? If she moves to a city or even a town, that might be a lot more attractive to a young adult than a village

Agreed, I had this as well - my parents (mum and dad together) moved to a different house in a different town after I had gone to university. Going there felt like going home because it's where my family were.

So far so good, no doubt ill be told what losers we all are but we’re happy.

If you are amicably separated and you're only moving an hour away, surely even if the kids stay at their dads you can go round for dinners /take them out to lunch etc when they are back? I would wait for the youngest to go to University, tell them what you want to do and make sure they know they are most welcome. But if it turns out they don't feel like staying with you and the boyfriend, make efforts to go and see them at their dads house. How much are older teens at home anyway? I sometimes don't see my 17 year old all weekend and he lives at home!YOu may have more quality/1-1 time if you actually made an appointment to see them where they had to spend time with you rather than popping in and out of the house!

Do you really see them every single day?

You never go away without each other or just have a day when you do something else? Do any of you have serious relationships? How old are they?

So many questions!

You'll most likely have to reach out to them to arrange meetups, I doubt they'll be comfortable staying in your partner's home. So yes, you probably won't see them much.

How far is your partners planned house from where you are now? If you're solely focused on your children I'd stay put until they've all finished uni but it's no great issue if you move once youngest has settled into uni.

They can split time between houses as they do now if you live elsewhere, it'll just be a week or so at a time.

Do bear in mind that if your son is living with you and you are living with a partner, your joint income will be considered when assessing student finance eligibility.

Carers? The man is in his 50's.

Bizarre - what happens when the "kids" move in opposite directions/countries/continents?

After the youngest leaves then you are free to go in my mind. It’s not your responsibility to house them near their father. And is your relationship with them so tenuous that they wouldn’t travel to see you? Mind you I moved 3600 miles away from my family as I attended uni abroad and stayed there.

Obviously not physically in person every day, but its a rare day we dont speak/facetime.
They are in their 20’s, at uni/jobs, boyfriends, girlfriends, friends, hobbies etc
I think when youre from a split family its all the more important that they have the option to connect as often as they want to.
That option isnt available with the other parent who has a reminder in his phone to call them weekly and still often doesn’t manage too.

You spend more on your train, fair bus fair petrol 🤷‍♀️

I think my parents wished they'd moved - but they didn't never a good time and being eldery in village with poor services wasn't great.

We'll have to move for work at some point - we did think when youngest finished A-levels but due to uni funding for us - earliest it could be is when she done. You may need to look if there are any implications for you with a move .

Not sure that actually much to bring them back here but free accomodation - DD1 friendship group moved on - and DS is wider geographical area and DD2 who knows.

And you still see them every day. I am sorry but unless there is a health reason that they need you, I cannot accept that this is normal behaviour. They have their own lives to lead.

Just to say, my mum moved away when I was at uni and I got to live in the house. It made me grow up way too quick, I was essentially a home owner and obsessed with decorating it and staying in when I should have been out, being young. Essentially your eldest will be the only one of her friends with a property. Some will envy her, but I envied being able to move about and take different jobs, it was about an hour from the centre of town and so I didn’t make the most of my youth.

My experience might be useful. Ds rarely comes back home - we mostly meet up in London (half way). He's about to turn 22, working in the same city where he went to uni. Staying there to do a master's next year. Most of his school friends have moved away from where I live and there's much more to do in London.
I'd say we are quite close - enjoy each other's company and we've been through a lot together - but I'd hate to cramp his style. He needs to enjoy his adult life with his friends.
So, I'd say dont feel you need to stay put once your youngest is off to uni