Walkaway Husband

[Popandhop]

Brought our first home 3 months ago, redone the kitchen, planned our future and furture plans to make this house our home, when suddenly out of the blue he has no feelings for me and is leaving, refuses marriage councilling because he "cant help the way he feels. He doesnt want to, it wont do anything cant make him have feelings again"
We got together at the age of 16 and have been together for 17 years married 11, two dc. We started renting our first place together whilst I was 17 so ive never had live alone.
And to top it off we had already used all our savings on the deposit for the house that when he needed a new car took out a 12k bank loan to purchase one, waited until the day after loan to drop the bomb shell, im shook .
I have no way of affording this morgage on my own and selling would actually bring us a loss due to all the fees and minimal amount paid off. Im so angry at what this will do to our children I have no idea how people manage a split with no money and nowhere to go but people do, I just do not know where to start.
He is still currently living in the house and that's awkward and causing more arguments although last night i asked him not come back today and see if he can stay at his dads, I want to maintain my dignity but emotions keep getting the best of me I get sad I get angry I get numb ive tried so hard not to rage text him but sometimes fail miserably this has been the hardest week of my life.

I'm so sorry OP. This happened to me 18 months ago and I was also blindsided. Unfortunately there was another woman, so pleased prepare yourself for what - men rarely leave with nowhere to go.

One day at a time, an hour at a time if you need to. I found therapy and divorce groups really helped me in the early days. There is a book and a Facebook group called Runaway Husbands you may find useful.

Do you have a good support network around you?

Im sorry it happened to you.

Luckily I do have a good support system from family. Finally told my mum last night after pretending for a week. I dont know why I was embarrassed to tell her but she was amazing.

I suspected another women of course he has completely denied it 🙄

The emotional whirlwind is making me feel sick. I hate everything he has done but can't bring myself to hate him 😭

Mine denied it too. I never actually got the truth from him and found out from someone else months later. I knew exactly who she was and said her name to him many times (16 years younger and he was her boss... Yuck).

Definitely lean on your mum. I was mortified to tell people but absolutely couldn't have done it without my family and friends.

It's worth getting a free slot with a solicitor to figure out your options when you feel ready.

Thank you, i will look into solicitors next week not sure im ready just yet.

I think I need to let some of my emotions settle first.

Im going to visit my mum at the weekend, so hopefully it will help clear my head a bit x

It sounds like the classic 'other woman' tack to me.

Whether he is still living in the house or not, he is legally liable for the mortgage agreement that he signed so very recently, until this situation is resolved.

And he needs to understand that he will still need to support his children. As soon as he shows any sign of withdrawing financial support, put in a CMS claim.

Does he intend to have his dcs 50% of the time? How will he do school drop offs and pickups? If he moves in with his dad, is there room for his dcs to stay as well?

I'd ask him all the practical questions. Stop washing his clothes or doing any of his chores. He needs an encounter with reality.

Collect as much financial info on him as you can - tax returns, bank account details, pensions etc, then work out what you would be entitled to in benefits, and from him in child maintenance. Think about if you can increase your hours.

Him staying at his dad's for a few days might be a good idea, give you both time to think.

Oh op this is awful but yup they'll be another woman. Stay strong and don't be surprised if he tries to come crawling back. You'll need to sell the house I assume. Just give yourself time and get a good solicitor

I’m so sorry. Absolutely stinks of OW. I have recently been going through a separation, although circumstances different, however I would strongly advise to ask him to leave and go no contact. Allow him to realise life without you. No begging, angry messages, making him feel bad, just total silence. You’re married so you have some protection so don’t worry for now about having to sell the house. It’ll be the hardest thing to do but I promise you the most effective and dignified.

I wrote any message I wanted to send him into notes on my phone, it was so helpful to be able to type it out but not have the anxiety of waiting for a reply. And Google breakups, there’s so much advice online and the majority is about going no contact. Alongside that eat well, sleep well, exercise, see friends, start focusing on yourself and your children. He will come crawling back and you will look like an absolute powerhouse goddess!

Dcs are 14 and 15 so make their own way to and from school.

He's planning to see them every other weekend and when ever they want to see him they are more then welcome.

Eldest told him last night he didn't want to see go see him when he leaves, but is also worried if he refuses to go to his, that he would not give him lifts to work. (He has weekend job 30min drive from home)
Ex denies that says he respects his decision and wouldn't punish him by not taking him.

Luckily even if ex turned nasty and refused i have plenty of people around who would step up and take him. I really need to do my driving 🤦🏼‍♀️

Unfortunately his dad has said he will not have him there long term only until the end of this weekend as they dont have the room.

Dcs could visit him at his dad's but not be able to stay the night although this hasn't been dicussed as it's a short term temp situation.

❤️ sorry to hear about your separation, sending lots of love xx love the idea of typing notes instead of texts xx

Aww op big hug here,
What a situation to put you and girls in, he knew this and rolled with it till the time was right for him to drop the bomb,

So the car, does it have a ' cooling off period ' were you can cancel it, get the money back to pay the bank loan back, may have to take an hit on that but most of it could be paid back, one less thing to pay for maybe,

Ask advice from mortgage company, explain what's happened, they will help/ support,

You don't need to know the reasons why, ' I think you know we know ' it's done , he has left you and children finically crippled, what a selfish man, what am trying to say is ' this can not be forgiven op, so it doesn't matter about the details for now' you have to sort out the finance's, protect the children and look after yourself to enable yourself to do this,
Hit him were it hurts ' the nice shiny car'
Try to stay calm, grey rock, take note of everything he says and does,
Finically you need guidance and support, around the home situation,

You will get though this op, right now your broken, but you will find your anger and ride this wave,
Good you have your mum this weekend, 💐
And lots of advice on here 💐

Happened to me 2 years ago. There was an OW who he moved in with. Tried to come back twice though! Still lives with her. It's going to be tough but make sure you get what you are entitled to. Don't let feelings cloud your judgement.

He has to leave. Where he goes is his problem, not yours.

Focus on the practicalities. Gather all financial documentation, see a competent family solicitor and file for divorce.

I hope the car loan is in his name only?

Get a lodger to tide you over.

Knowledge is power, so educate yourself: Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies, family solicitor website.

And read Chumplady’s blogs.

Do you have a joint account? Get your share out this morning. Open an account in another bank entirely and move it in there. Move your wages into the new account, too.

Did you get the loan in joint names? Do you have a joint account?

Have you looked into any UC entitlements you may be entitled to, as a single parent? Have you looked into maintenance? All these things could help towards you payment the mortgage.

I'm so sorry you are going through this

He does not have to leave a property that he jointly owns, just as OP doesn’t have to leave.

Well we not talking legal are we. We talking ,hes the one who is acting in this disgusting vile way. Ppl change how they feel i get that but you dont spring on your partner one day after a loan has been taken out and a house has been bought that you have no feelings and refuse to even go to therapy.

He needs to leave!!!

We are talking legal. This is the man’s home and property, which he is paying for. Unless a court says otherwise, he absolutely does not need to leave.

Legally he may not have to leave, morally, as he has told his wife that he doesn't have feelings for her any more and that he is leaving her, he should be the one to move out.

Ideally, he should move out. Financially, he may not be in a position to do so, in which case he is perfectly entitled to remain where he is.

Should have waited until him and his OW had a place to stay then

Why? He doesn't have to move out. He should, but he doesn't have to.

He's not your friend. Don't believe one word that comes out of his mouth. Equip yourself with divorce knowledge and when you are ready start the process. I suspect his head has been turned.

I said should not had to.

It’s the morally right things to do when you are putting your family through so much pain to at least give them space to process it. He wants out but allowed her to buy a home that ties her to him whilst knowing he was going to do this. She now has to see him every day knowing he has decided he doesn’t love her, isn’t willing to try and work on their relationship and likely has someone else in the wings. It’s cruel and unnecessary. He planned this - but had no where to go after dropping the bomb.

@Popandhop if I was you I’d be using his guilt to at least allow you to stay in the home. Tell him you know there is someone else - that lying in unnecessary at this point as the hurt has already been caused. Ask him to move in with his OW so you can have some space. Don’t ask it as a question. State it as a fact. I would be forcing them together rather than letting him control how and when it happens. Maybe she is married and he is waiting for her to end her relationship too. He needs to put the pressure on. Being forced together will likely tank the relationship anyway as reality bites.

Then I would tell him that if this life together no longer makes him happy then he can go and live a new one but it’s his responsibility to protect his children from the hurt he has caused. He can do that by allowing them to live in the home until they finish their schooling with you. Give him a ‘road map’ of how to be the good guy/ father again so in his mind he can see a scenario where he can live this other life and not ruin his reputation. Use his ego against him to set up you and your children.

I would say he has to leave and live cheaply so he can support his dc and you can both together pay down the mortgage until it’s possible to sell in a better financial position. Your children will be more independent by then, so you will be able to downsize some and have better affordability.

If he’s not the primary carer, he can get a room somewhere. He can sell his car and get a cheap run around. I hope he didn’t convince you to take the loan out in your name. He can live frugally and support his family while you untangle yourselves financially. My BIL and SIL had to keep their house for 4 years (one would live there for a year or 2 and then the other, no dc, they took in lodgers) until they were in a position to sell and not take a loss.

Wow! Im amazed at all the supportive lovely replies, im still at work so will try and answer a few things.

No the loan for car is solely in his name (actually this is something that makes him feel like a good guy as he has literally said "at least I took it out in my name so it didn't affect you")

Doubt he would sell it. After reading a few things here im going to do what I can to try and stay in home and he can support his children until they leave education.

Of course he has the right to the home as much as me legally speaking but I pray to God he respects my asking him to leave and stay at his dad's and does it.

Hoping he can sort something for next week 🙏 x