Walkaway Husband

[Popandhop]

Brought our first home 3 months ago, redone the kitchen, planned our future and furture plans to make this house our home, when suddenly out of the blue he has no feelings for me and is leaving, refuses marriage councilling because he "cant help the way he feels. He doesnt want to, it wont do anything cant make him have feelings again"
We got together at the age of 16 and have been together for 17 years married 11, two dc. We started renting our first place together whilst I was 17 so ive never had live alone.
And to top it off we had already used all our savings on the deposit for the house that when he needed a new car took out a 12k bank loan to purchase one, waited until the day after loan to drop the bomb shell, im shook .
I have no way of affording this morgage on my own and selling would actually bring us a loss due to all the fees and minimal amount paid off. Im so angry at what this will do to our children I have no idea how people manage a split with no money and nowhere to go but people do, I just do not know where to start.
He is still currently living in the house and that's awkward and causing more arguments although last night i asked him not come back today and see if he can stay at his dads, I want to maintain my dignity but emotions keep getting the best of me I get sad I get angry I get numb ive tried so hard not to rage text him but sometimes fail miserably this has been the hardest week of my life.

Yes i would try to get the CM and use that to pay the mortgage. That way they can award you more of the house in the settlement?
He might want to delay so he can hide more money as you only need to fill in 12 months financial disclosure?

About not wanting a divorce, I suspect he wants to keep you on the backburner in case things don't work out with the OW. After all, she might have been up for an affair but may have no wish to house him and put up with visits from his no doubt deeply resentful children. Or maybe the scales are falling from his eyes as to her shortcomings. It is all very well falling in love in the early stages but then finding out what they are really like can be a bit disillusioning especially if you've just destroyed your marriage over them. It would be a mistake to take him back because there is nothing to say he wouldn't do it again.

Don't believe a word he says. Remember this is the man who was going to cancel the gas, electricity and the internet - you know for the house his children are living and for whom he pays no maintenance..

Hi, I’ve read your posts but not all the replies, if it hasn’t already been said, write your will now if you haven’t already, otherwise everything you have is his.

and don’t trust mediators, or try to be reasonable with them. All they want is an outcome, in my experience they will not give any opinion about fairness or usual outcome. They didn’t eve challenge ex telling them he was leaving his job so there was no salary to be considered!

@SiameseBlueEyes He can try and keep me on the back burner and a month ago I would have stupidly taken him back.

But not now! He has shown his true colours and has became a man i barely recognise. He is not the man I fell inlove with so there will be no second chances.

He has proven to be unreasonable and unreliable, I do not believe anything he says.

Thank you to everyone today, its really confirmed I am doing the right thing filing for the divorce and his reluctancy will mostly be down to wanting to keep his options open and have that little bit of control. Unfortunately for him he has no control to be able to stop me.

Please don’t do anything without legal advice, but also check out Wikivorce and Divorce for Dummies. Decisions you make now will affect your long term financial future.

@Outofthemoonlight I have spoken to solicitor but havent instructed them yet however have another meeting next week to start the ball rolling.

Just needed to vent ....

So i have been feeling strong hopeful and determined for my miam next week, armed with the advice from solicitors, i have been doing so well.... however last night he has managed to knock me for 6 again.

He asked for £98 for the gas and electric bill ( currently comes out his account, and i did agree to reimburse him bills the household bills once they come out his account)
So I asked for his bank details to transfer and also asked again about Childmaintence as he still hasn't paid any and mentioned going through CMS.

This is when he informed me he has been dismissed from his job however is activly looking and applying for jobs.I do not know how long he has been without work. Or how long he will cope paying the bills and waiting for me to pay them back.

This means all the legal advice I had that was based on him being the higher earner is no longer valid.

The calculations about affording the mortgage and all the bills was based on what my total income would be with including CMS calculation.

So went from being determined, knowing what to ask/fight for to being back to square one and uncertain of what i am now entitled to.

I feel sorry for him atm and i am worried about how he will be coping physically and mentally with all this, I know he did not worry about how I was coping when he left and I know i shouldn't be feeling guilty as I did not put him in this situation unfortunately I cant help it x

Did he give you any reasons why he had been laid off? What sort of work does be normally do?

Some men have been known to claim that they have been sacked to avoid paying maintenance, some self employed men hide wages in the company paying themselves only a small amount each month, again to avoid maintenance. Basically, just because he says he's out of work doesn't mean that he is. I would say that you should continue with CMS directly and they will be able to find out if he's getting paid.

Email him at his work address from a throw away account and see if it bounces back. Or ring reception and add for him using a false name.

Now is not the time to believe what he says without checking.

Yep another one here to say push down that sorry feeling until you have solid proof this is genuine. Sadly it is very very common that men hide assets, pensions, extra income etc to get out of child maintenance and try get a better divorce settlement. Go through cms and let them look into his finances and see what they come back with. Also don’t be surprised if in 6 months time he suddenly gets a promotion / better job. With cms this will be easier to just automatically get but if you just believe him you’ll likely to end in a mess as he’s clearly putting himself first in all this and you need to do the same

Continue going through CMS. If he is behind with child maintenance, don’t pay him any money for bills. check his employment status as suggested by PPs.

Speed up the divorce proceedings - the sooner you are divorced, the sooner you’ll have clarity and can move forward.

@Popandhop I wouldn’t believe a word he says about work.

While the mortgage is in both names you are both responsible. That’s separate from CMS which is for the kids.

what happened with the car loan? He needs to sell the car and get a cheaper one/pay the loan off. But of course he probably got the loan to make it look like he has less money.

He could be gaslighting you re the sudden lack of job. Its an absolute tactic.
Id press on with divorce proceedings i think. That is within your control

Do NOT feel sorry for him. My husband walked out six months after we bought a house, and just after our son's first birthday - apparently I 'just wasn't fun anymore'. Of course discovered months later there was another woman. Was all promises to always pay half for son etc etc for first few months - then as soon as I wanted to get a formal agreement re child maintenance in place (he'd left me paying mortgage solo during this time) he was 'let go' from his £80k a year job. How very lucky though that his dad hired him at his very profitable company instead, and officially only paid him £20k a year. He now lives rent-free in his well-off girlfriend's house, works freelance part-time to 'protect his mental health' 🙄 earning approx £1200 a month, sees his son once a month, pays a pittance and lives a life of leisure. Stay strong, you have got this. I wish I'd found my strength sooner.

Also think this is a tactic to stall you if he knows you are pressing for divorce and cms!

He might’ve been fired for having a relationship with a colleague… I agree, don’t feel sorry for him in the slightest!

Thank you.

Will contact CMS anyway but unfortunately think he may for once be telling the truth.

It just threw me as I had this legal advice which was based on him being the higher earner however having the day to think of things .. okay so now he may not be the higher earner but what I was asking for was on whats needed rather then equal split of assets due to the minimal capital.

And even with him loosing his job the kids still NEED somewhere to live, i wasn't going after his savings and his pension is still alot higher due to me spending years out of work so the difference in pensions still NEED to be divided equally.

He will still have his car which he will say he NEED in order to have a better chance of getting a new job.

So still going to ask in mediation everything the solicitor suggested i will just have to see where we can further tighten our belts to survive without the predicted child maintenance.

Love how you guys help give my head a wobble in my moments of weakness.