Walkaway Husband

[Popandhop]

Brought our first home 3 months ago, redone the kitchen, planned our future and furture plans to make this house our home, when suddenly out of the blue he has no feelings for me and is leaving, refuses marriage councilling because he "cant help the way he feels. He doesnt want to, it wont do anything cant make him have feelings again"
We got together at the age of 16 and have been together for 17 years married 11, two dc. We started renting our first place together whilst I was 17 so ive never had live alone.
And to top it off we had already used all our savings on the deposit for the house that when he needed a new car took out a 12k bank loan to purchase one, waited until the day after loan to drop the bomb shell, im shook .
I have no way of affording this morgage on my own and selling would actually bring us a loss due to all the fees and minimal amount paid off. Im so angry at what this will do to our children I have no idea how people manage a split with no money and nowhere to go but people do, I just do not know where to start.
He is still currently living in the house and that's awkward and causing more arguments although last night i asked him not come back today and see if he can stay at his dads, I want to maintain my dignity but emotions keep getting the best of me I get sad I get angry I get numb ive tried so hard not to rage text him but sometimes fail miserably this has been the hardest week of my life.

Loan is in his name.
We do have a joint account which bill money goes into like for the mortgage.

But i also have my own bank account aswell.

Hadn't even thought about UC entitlements will have to look into that when I get home thank you x

@Popandhop AHH I’m really sorry you’re going through this. When someone you love just walks away, it knocks you for six. It’s not just about them leaving—it’s the shock, the loss of your everyday routines, and the future you thought you had. Everything feels up in the air, and it’s completely normal to feel lost, angry, or just numb. You’re not weak for struggling with this; anyone would.

It’s easy to start picking apart every conversation, wondering what you missed or what you could have done differently. But honestly, sometimes people leave because of their own issues, not because of anything you did or didn’t do. It’s not fair, and it’s not your fault. You might never get a proper explanation, and that can drive you mad if you let it. Try not to let their decision change how you see yourself. You’re still the same person you were before this happened—capable, caring, and deserving of respect.

Right now, it’s about getting through each day. Don’t feel like you need to have everything sorted straight away. If you’ve got friends or family you trust, lean on them. Let them cook you a meal or just sit with you, even if it’s in silence. If you share a home or have kids, it’s worth getting some legal advice so you know where you stand. That doesn’t mean you’re starting a fight—it just means you’re looking after yourself. And don’t forget the basics: try to eat, get some sleep, and get outside for a walk, even if it’s just round the block. It sounds simple, but it really does help.

Give yourself permission to feel whatever comes up. Some days you might be furious, others you might just feel flat, and sometimes you’ll even surprise yourself by laughing at something daft. All of it is normal. If you’ve got kids, remember they’ll be looking to you to make sense of things, but you don’t have to pretend you’re fine all the time. It’s okay for them to see you’re upset, as long as they know you’ll be alright in the end. You’re showing them it’s okay to feel things and keep going, even when life throws something this big at you.

I won’t sugarcoat it—this is hard, and it’s going to take time. But you will get through it. You might not see it now, but you’ll find your feet again, and you’ll discover strengths you didn’t know you had. Life will look different, and that’s scary, but it can also be the start of something new for you. For now, just focus on getting through one day at a time, and don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. You’re not alone, even if it feels like it right now, and you’ve got every right to hope for better days ahead

I'm so sorry. This happened to me 15 years ago, he just disappeared and refused any discussion when the relationship was completely happy as far as I knew.

As others have said, unfortunately and affair is extremely likely.

In my case, he was concealing depression and a very large debt and wanted to blame it on me rather than tell his family it was him!

He ended up bankrupt, living with his parents at 40 for several years and I moved on and married someone lovely.

The hardest bit I think is coping with bombshells like this whilst simultaneously worrying about money and practical concerns.

I can't offer advice other than to look after yourself predominantly and prepare yourself for more.

My biggest regret looking back is that I really didn't think he'd harm me, and he did.

If you are both living in thr house and you want to get UC you will have to split your lives up. Separate bedrooms, cupboards in the kitchen , your own toiletries in the bathroom. If you have a bathroom cabinet different shelves.

You do your own cooking, cleaning, washing etc. Don't share anything with him or they'll say you aren't separated

Your absolutely right, the why doesn't matter so I need to stop thinking about previous conversations and trying to think back to behavioural changes I may have missed. Or thinking if i could have done something different or what i didnt notice and should have because it won't change the present.

Trying to be kind to myself but its not easy, i have the house to my self for a couple of hours before kids back, luckily he has gone to his dad's so do not need to worry about him being around. Ive been so worried about practicalities of how this will play out and work on a financial and living situation, ive not really taken time for me.

Plan for tonight, stick some tunes on and catch up on the housework ive neglected for the past few days then fresh bedding and a pamper session! Finances can wait for another day.

Thanks to the support irl and on here im feeling less doomed about the future, the panic has subsided and ive realised there is financial support I can claim once he leaves properly and the financial support he will owe should hopefully leave us okay to stay here at least for a while.

Im so sorry, OP 💐 I agree with @Meadowfinch, start asking all the practical questions and gather as much financial info. as you can.

"He ended up bankrupt, living with his parents at 40 for several years and I moved on and married someone lovely."

So glad you found someone lovely and it worked out for you, it's a reminder that this isn't the end its the start of a new chapter x

@Popandhop

I understand you feeling not ready to speak to a solicitor. BUT, although he's dropped this in your lap all of a sudden, you need to realize that it's not 'all of a sudden' to him. He's been planning this probably for weeks, if not months. That means he's more than just a little bit ahead of you on this road you're just starting down.

So, you need to catch up. And the best way of doing this is to see a solicitor, pronto. Take someone with you as an extra set of ears or to 'steady you' if you want. Take a 'snapshot' of family finances with you; income, expenses, assets and ask about the financial aspects; division of assets, child maintenance, etc. And especially wrt the house. You need to educate yourself as to what divorce might mean to you. Doing so doesn't mean you're going to 'do anything'. You're just getting the information you need to 'plot your own course'.

You will get through this. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

I agree with this advice. I would have thought that if a couple is married that they generally share the responsibility for loans even if taken out in one person’s name only. It works in a similar way for mortgages and house ownership for married couples.

If the loan was finalised the day before the separation was announced however, the solicitor may possibly be interested in the timing of that in respect to evaluating whether it counts as joint. I believe for example if someone gets an inheritance, there is a similar analysis undertaken in terms of the timing.

When I was seeing our solicitor, she wanted bank statements from years back to look at the timing of major financial undertakings and receipt of inheritances.

"When I was seeing our solicitor, she wanted bank statements from years back to look at the timing of major financial undertakings and receipt of inheritances."

Once upon a time I could have got hold of his bank statements as we used to get paper copies.
Nowadays with mobile banking I doubt he would willing send copies. If he refuses to send banks statements what would the next steps be?

I don’t know about the process of enforcing financial disclosure, but Wikivorce and Divorce for Dummies are excellent resources.

But you’d also be wise to consult with a family solicitor once you’ve done your homework.

He can be forced to .

@Popandhopthe panic is perfectly normal .

Thank you, I have already looked at wikivorce as a previous poster mentioned it, will look through divorce for dummies aswell, off to mums soon so hopefully she can help me process some of the information on them as it all just seems like info overload for me at the moment.

Im wondering whats happened to me now, normally im the strong one, I was the always the one to sort everything out now im left dumb founded unable to start.

Need a real life kick in the butt to get things into place x

I thank every one for being so kind xx yourve all told me what I need to start doing now to give my head a wobble and start taking the action with the advice I asked for xx

https://www.gnlaw.co.uk/news/not-disclosing-your-assets-in-financial-divorce-proceedings/#:~:text=Judges%20take%20this%20duty%20seriously,a%20breach%20of%20the%20order.

Op glad your going to see your mum today,
Remember this is a form of grief your grieving what should of been new home, making plans for the long term, you didn't know your h had other plans this is the rug being pulled from under neath you, you're grieving op, but believe me in days to come you will find your strength and take control, h has been one step ahead, but you will and can get ahead of him op, you need this weekend with your mum, come next week you will be ready for battle ( emotionally) that is,
Your mum will be that lovely comfort blanket for you, 💐

No he doesn't have to leave. It's his house too.

Feeling a bit delicate this morning.

I made a huge mistake last night. ive been okay over the weekend felt much stronger so last night broke no contact to arrange discussing when he will have/see the children .... oh my God I wish I hadn't I became overly emotional angry and sounded very crazy just rage text after rage text. Wanting a proper explanation which he says he owes me nothing.

I thought I was ready to leave the emotional shit to the side and just talk about the important stuff. Instead I just came across crazy.

I did so well not contacting him, im just disappointed in myself for reaching out to him, letting him get me in that state and not waiting for him to reach out first.

Has he moved out then? The fact that you’re texting not talking in the same house?

do not beat yourself up over this, every single thread I’ve read on here with ladies in your situation have done this at least once. No he doesn’t owe you an explanation because in his head he’s already rewritten the narrative that it’s all your fault so no explanation that he can give you will work.

Set up an email address just for him, check it every day or so. With email you don’t get the constant pings so it’s easier to walk away to get your head straight before responding.

It’s tough but you will feel so much more in control if you stop contact. Your children are old enough to arrange when and where they want to see him.

Focus on practical stuff. You know, the getting ducks in a row stuff.

if you are tempted to contact him, write down why and what - and then go and have a cup of tea, go for a walk, exercise, call a friend, watch a movie, read Chumplady…….. anything that will stop you from actually contacting him.

Eat healthily, limit alcohol, walk and/or exercise at least once a day.

One step at a time, day after day, this too shall pass - it will get easier. 💐

Yes he went to his dad's.
Why are solicitors so damn expensive 😫

Been there. A lot of us have. Please don't beat yourself up about it, it's all part of the process. I still have to stop myself from picking my phone up 18 months on! X

After all your years together he owes you nothing?? What a prick.

It sounds very like the script. I assume he’s made you the enemy in his mind in order to justify cheating and breaking up your family. If he had just ‘fallen out of love’ he would be trying to make this as easy as possible on everyone including going to counselling so you could understand how he feels.

He doesn’t want you to know how he feels because talking about it will mean he has to lie more and he just wants to slink away and pretend he did nothing wrong. When he’s thinking like this anything you say will make him angry and defensive so you really do just have to grey rock for your own sanity. It’s also harder for him to justify his actions when you are not rising to the bait. I’m so sorry it’s shit.

Because you are paying not just for their time but also their expertise and advice.

You can save yourself a lot of money by being focused, doing your homework (Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies, family solicitor websites), gathering as much financial documentation as you can (and organising it coherently), and formulating a plan.

Also talk to friends who got divorced and/or post in the Divorce forum here - both for advice and support. You can do this!

last night broke no contact to arrange discussing when he will have/see the children ...
Dcs are 14 and 15

DCs are old enough to make direct contact with their dad so stay out of it for now. He will either step-up and be a proper father or he'll be yet another deadbeat, either way you can't force him so drop that particular rope. Only contact him regarding the house/mortgage and give him one chance to pay child maintenance before claiming it through the official route.