Sex leaves me cold

[FoxglovesInMyGarden]

I'm aware I probably have some deep seated issues around this.

I've spent my life reading about oxytocin and sex as a bonding activity and connection and feeling closer and I just don't recognise any of it and never have done.

The only time I've felt really comfortable in an ongoing sexual relationship is when it's been a fwb situation with no romantic feelings attached. But in a relationship? It doesn't matter how good the relationship is, the sex just leaves me cold. The longer I'm with someone, the better the relationship is in other respects, the worse it is.

I don't feel warmth or closeness. Just coldness and distance. My partners have spoken of feeling pushed away and rejected and they're right. I have no interest in pillow talk or cuddling and I do create distance.

It's nothing to do with how attentive they are or how cherished or valued or loved I feel day to day. Nothing to do with shared household chores. Nothing to do with feeling supported. In fact, the better these things are, the worse it is.

I have no idea if other women even feel like this! Anyone else?

No, sorry. I have the opposite feelings - the more in love and romantically attached I am, the better and more connecting the sex.

What kinds of role models and experiences did you have with your family and growing up?

What kinds of impressions and maybe subconscious views of sex and relationships might you have developed from them?

What are your religious beliefs and what were you taught from a religious viewpoint when you were younger?

Those are the kinds of questions I might think about digging into to see if you can unpick where those feelings came from, if you wanted to discover their origins...

That’s just made up online psychobabble.

indorse it & enjoy your life!

Ignore!

Yes, I get it. It’s like the more close and domestic you get as a couple, the more perverse it seems to have sex with them. They become like a family member and it’s hard to see them as a sexual partner.

I personally think it’s quite common in women. How do you feel sexy around a man whose every day ablutions and private human habits are as common to you as your own? Maybe my 1950s mother was right when she’d disapprovingly warn me that I needed to keep my ‘feminine mystique’!

Do you have any desire to have sex at all? Could you be asexual perhaps?

Definitely not asexual.

No religion or religious influences.

Pretty dysfunctional family but not sure how that would be related.

What kinds of impressions and maybe subconscious views of sex and relationships might you have developed from them?

That's what I've wondered about. I'm not aware of any but maybe I wouldn't be if they're subconscious!

Having been in a relationship with someone just like that be upfront with anyone that has feeling for you before you hurt them

You sound like you have avoidant attachment

I get to some point op.
I only have ONS because i just dont have feelings like others.
I`ts hard to explain to anyone.

Do you enjoy the actual physical part of sex though?

Its a bit alien to me - I’ve been in a v long relationship (over twenty years), a shorter relationship of two years where I thought I was in love, and I’ve had maybe ten ONSs. Without a doubt the connection was there in the two LTRs. Which made the sex better. If the ONSs maybe three were ‘epic’ experiences,sunny because the guys wanted to cuddle and snooze afterwards, and lazily chatted and it felt close. Maybe another Five were ‘okay’ because we took our time before leaving. And the others felt quite cold because it was just fulfilling an itch and straight afterwards we both got up to leave and there was no small talk.

I know now what I prefer, and it’s not the latter. Made me feel a bit shit about myself.

Maybe you just don’t want the crap that can accompany a long term relationship? If you don’t then that’s okay, just make sure you’re upfront about it.

Yep can relate to this. Anyone I’ve had an intense crush on, wanted to be with, romantic feelings, love.. The idea of sex with them just doesn’t feel right. Cringy. And the people I wanna have sex with, get turned on by.. I do not want to spend much time with.
The two don’t marry together for me. And it’s hard because the men who I’ve had the love story with and romance, deep connection, have wanted everything from me. Men pave the way with all that so they can get good sex, as well as enjoy those things too. But mainly sex.
Is it the female madonna/whore complex? It’s for different reasons for me. The things that turn me on physically as a woman go hand in hand with personality and characteristics that I hate on an emotional level.

I think you need therapy.

I’m not bothered about sex in general but I would sort of agree in that the closer I am to someone and the more I love them then sex feels completely wrong.
I don’t equate sex with love.

Read Mating in Captivity. Or listen to any of Esther Perel's podcasts ' Where do we begin'. Game changer for sexual empowerment.

Yes! This is me! The more I love someone the more it becomes platonic/brother sister relationship

"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member." Perhaps you don't like yourself very much and aren't attracted to anyone who does.

Is sex physically satisfying? Do you orgasm?

It’s probably relational trauma - you’re fine on your own but as soon as you get a partner it’ll trigger it. I have same and work with a trauma therapist. It’s slow work but things can and do shift ❤️

Interesting responses and reassuring that I'm not alone.

I'd not really considered this but maybe you're onto something.

Is sex physically satisfying? Do you orgasm?

Yes and easily. I just don't get warm fuzzy feelings of wanting to snuggle or cuddle or be close. More like I need some space now get on your side of the bed so I can read for a bit. Once it's done, it's done.

No, I don't either. They almost feel mutually exclusive.

What about day to day? Are you physically affectionate usually and it’s just an issue after sex?

Not really.

He is but I just don't really feel the need. Sometimes I'll cuddle on the sofa but it's more about what I feel I need physically than wanting to be close or it being mutually beneficial. I wouldn't do it just to feel close to him. If that makes sense.

Omg this resonates!!