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Original poster

Sex leaves me cold

56 replies

FoxglovesInMyGarden · 08/07/2025 20:33

I'm aware I probably have some deep seated issues around this.

I've spent my life reading about oxytocin and sex as a bonding activity and connection and feeling closer and I just don't recognise any of it and never have done.

The only time I've felt really comfortable in an ongoing sexual relationship is when it's been a fwb situation with no romantic feelings attached. But in a relationship? It doesn't matter how good the relationship is, the sex just leaves me cold. The longer I'm with someone, the better the relationship is in other respects, the worse it is.

I don't feel warmth or closeness. Just coldness and distance. My partners have spoken of feeling pushed away and rejected and they're right. I have no interest in pillow talk or cuddling and I do create distance.

It's nothing to do with how attentive they are or how cherished or valued or loved I feel day to day. Nothing to do with shared household chores. Nothing to do with feeling supported. In fact, the better these things are, the worse it is.

I have no idea if other women even feel like this! Anyone else?

OP posts:
StrawberryNocream · 09/07/2025 00:29

This reply has been deleted

We're taking this down whilst we have a look behind the scenes.

MayNov · 09/07/2025 18:29

Sounds like you parentify your partners when it’s going well and consequently lose interest in them sexually.

Facescar77 · 09/07/2025 18:51

FoxglovesInMyGarden · 08/07/2025 20:33

I'm aware I probably have some deep seated issues around this.

I've spent my life reading about oxytocin and sex as a bonding activity and connection and feeling closer and I just don't recognise any of it and never have done.

The only time I've felt really comfortable in an ongoing sexual relationship is when it's been a fwb situation with no romantic feelings attached. But in a relationship? It doesn't matter how good the relationship is, the sex just leaves me cold. The longer I'm with someone, the better the relationship is in other respects, the worse it is.

I don't feel warmth or closeness. Just coldness and distance. My partners have spoken of feeling pushed away and rejected and they're right. I have no interest in pillow talk or cuddling and I do create distance.

It's nothing to do with how attentive they are or how cherished or valued or loved I feel day to day. Nothing to do with shared household chores. Nothing to do with feeling supported. In fact, the better these things are, the worse it is.

I have no idea if other women even feel like this! Anyone else?

I can totally resonate with this OP and I've no idea how to fix it. I also had a very dysfunctional upbringing with a narcissist mother. I'm just very broken I think.

Mugsey62 · 09/07/2025 18:59

I think you are going to need help with it tbh. It is unusual for significant others to be happy with a platonic relationship. Usually sex is sort of the point.

JohnnysMama · 09/07/2025 19:33

FoxglovesInMyGarden · 08/07/2025 21:19

Definitely not asexual.

No religion or religious influences.

Pretty dysfunctional family but not sure how that would be related.

I think you should consider seeking professional advice. If your relationship is as good as you say, things shouldn’t feel this way. It sounds like there may be deeper issues that need to be worked through.

Seagull5 · 09/07/2025 19:35

FoxglovesInMyGarden · 08/07/2025 20:33

I'm aware I probably have some deep seated issues around this.

I've spent my life reading about oxytocin and sex as a bonding activity and connection and feeling closer and I just don't recognise any of it and never have done.

The only time I've felt really comfortable in an ongoing sexual relationship is when it's been a fwb situation with no romantic feelings attached. But in a relationship? It doesn't matter how good the relationship is, the sex just leaves me cold. The longer I'm with someone, the better the relationship is in other respects, the worse it is.

I don't feel warmth or closeness. Just coldness and distance. My partners have spoken of feeling pushed away and rejected and they're right. I have no interest in pillow talk or cuddling and I do create distance.

It's nothing to do with how attentive they are or how cherished or valued or loved I feel day to day. Nothing to do with shared household chores. Nothing to do with feeling supported. In fact, the better these things are, the worse it is.

I have no idea if other women even feel like this! Anyone else?

Yep
You described me totally
But I'm diagnosed autistic
So I assumed it's just that

Buffs · 09/07/2025 19:35

The more comfortable the relationship becomes, the less exciting the sex is. Having sex with someone I share a bathroom with has never worked for me.

Ihaveoflate · 09/07/2025 19:41

I don't associate love with sex either and feel much the same as the op.

I think for me it stems from growing up with parents who had a really dysfunctional relationship - openly hostile to each other, no physical affection - but who had an active sex life. I never saw them touch each other or demonstrate affection of any kind, but I did hear them have sex. It was very confusing as an adolescent.

Luckyingame · 09/07/2025 19:53

Sex actually turns my stomach, but everyone is different. I wouldn't worry about it, just try to live your life the way it's satisfactory to you.

Carpedimum · 09/07/2025 20:13

Your description reminds me of the behaviour of the Saga Norén character in The Bridge. I think she was meant to be viewed as on the spectrum, so perhaps that’s a consideration @FoxglovesInMyGarden ? I wouldn’t beat yourself up about it providing it doesn’t make you or anyone you care about unhappy.

Sadworld23 · 09/07/2025 20:20

Sex seems to me to be a selfish pursuit and that gives me the ick.

If someone is interested in making the experience great for me, then I'm happy to participate bit if it's a 'make me happy' moment then I'm alot less inclined.

Disturbia81 · 09/07/2025 20:26

Buffs · 09/07/2025 19:35

The more comfortable the relationship becomes, the less exciting the sex is. Having sex with someone I share a bathroom with has never worked for me.

Love this. I’m always shocked at those posters who confess to shitting infront of their husband and vice versa, and how they manage to keep the attraction.

SuchiRolls · 09/07/2025 20:32

I’m autistic and am similar in so many ways. I love my husband and we do make time for intimacy but not because I want it, it’s for him. I have a demand avoidant profile so it’s a demand. I don’t have never have climaxed through sex directly with any partner. I hate physical touch in a general sense. I don’t mind hugs and kisses occasionally but I’d feel suffocated if it was every day. My husband accepts this and is ND himself, he doesn’t have an issue with it. We also have 3 ND children so things are quite stressful at all times in our house. It’s not a top of the list priority for either of us. I suppose I’m lucky in that way that we both get it. We’ve been together for almost 20 years.

Mybabyloveswires · 09/07/2025 20:54

I’ve had this my whole life and I don’t agree that the longer you are with somebody the more platonic and off putting sex is.
i dont think it has anything to do with love.
When you are having sex, you are connected and close, you produce the oxitocin. You give yourself whole to the other person, you open yourself up to the other person. So when you finish, you’re exhausted, emotionally drained. Your touched out and fatigued from the emotional bonding. You need space and distance.
This is what I’m like, but I’m an introvert and not a very touchy cuddly type

Seagull5 · 09/07/2025 21:00

SuchiRolls · 09/07/2025 20:32

I’m autistic and am similar in so many ways. I love my husband and we do make time for intimacy but not because I want it, it’s for him. I have a demand avoidant profile so it’s a demand. I don’t have never have climaxed through sex directly with any partner. I hate physical touch in a general sense. I don’t mind hugs and kisses occasionally but I’d feel suffocated if it was every day. My husband accepts this and is ND himself, he doesn’t have an issue with it. We also have 3 ND children so things are quite stressful at all times in our house. It’s not a top of the list priority for either of us. I suppose I’m lucky in that way that we both get it. We’ve been together for almost 20 years.

Same here ,but 30 years together and 4 ND DC

user1476277375 · 09/07/2025 22:05

Have you ever considered you might be gay? This is how I felt about sex until I realised.... I am totally different with women it appears!

Hopingtobeaparent · 09/07/2025 22:57

PeonyPatch · 08/07/2025 22:17

I think you need therapy.

Kindly, OP, this. It sounds like a trauma response.

Laurmolonlabe · 09/07/2025 23:01

I think you need therapy and or a psychiatrist- that is not in any way normal, you are missing out on a huge part of relationships.

Freud2 · 09/07/2025 23:32

Buffs · 09/07/2025 19:35

The more comfortable the relationship becomes, the less exciting the sex is. Having sex with someone I share a bathroom with has never worked for me.

The best sex is illicit sex

Todayismyfavouriteday · 10/07/2025 02:36

Fluffyowl00 · 08/07/2025 22:43

Yes! This is me! The more I love someone the more it becomes platonic/brother sister relationship

I am exactly the same.

Glamgenzmami · 10/07/2025 02:44

If you orgasm and you have sex frequently I don’t see what the problem is if you don’t want to have pillow talk afterwards or have a “warm fuzzy feeling”. That’s just your own personality and preference to be indifferent. Life is not a fairytale filled with rainbows and butterflies 247.

Original poster
FoxglovesInMyGarden · 10/07/2025 07:11

Thank you for these replies.

I'm don't think I parentify partners. We've been together for 4 years and this is the longest relationship I've had because I usually end them once I lose interest in having sex with them.

I was also diagnosed with autism in my early 40s but I didn't want to put that in my op because I think it skews people's responses when someone says that. I hadn't really thought about whether that was a reason though.

But the trauma response also makes sense. My mum used to tell me all the time growing up that there as something wrong with me and threatened to take take me to a child psychiatrist and talked about the men in white coats taking me away a lot. But never did anything about it. They were just threats to make me behave like she expected me to. It obviously didn't work because I didn't know what other people were behaving like that I was getting wrong.

My parents weren't close. I have no idea if they still had sex or not but the marriage was cold and they weren't affectionate with each other at all.

It's not just that I don't feel warm and fuzzy afterwards. The coldness feels quite hostile. My partner never pressurises me for sex but I know he'd like it more often. I usually do it once every 3 weeks because I know it should be part of a relationship and physically its good but emotionally, I don't have any need for it

I'm definitely not gay.

I don't know if I want therapy to deal with it I've had therapy before and didn't feel it helped but I've been told since that I really need to see a therapist who is experienced in dealing with autistic people.and I don't know where to start with that.

OP posts:
Pricelessadvice · 10/07/2025 07:17

I understand OP. I enjoy sex from my perspective (for selfish reasons) but I never got that closeness feeling to another person. I have no desire to cuddle afterwards or anything- I just want to have a shower and them to leave.
Ive never found anyone who feels this way, so I just accept it as a quirk of me.
I no longer have relationships with people because I don’t feel anything towards them.
I’d be a great psychological study!

Seaoftroubles · 10/07/2025 07:42

What an interesting thread! It just shows how different we all our in our sexual responses, behaviour and experiences.
I don't think there is anything wrong with you OP, you still have sex and enjoy it physically at the time but just don't need all the pillow talk and cuddling afterwards. It's served a purpose for you and that's OK. Also very understandable as you are autistic where physical contact needs to be boundaried and within your control.
You could look into counselling to understand your early family experiences as your mother sounds very unkind and may well have caused you trauma. This might help you understand your feelings a little better but other than that this thread shows you are not alone in your reactions.

Mugsey62 · 10/07/2025 09:02

Illicit sex is probably the most exciting sex, but probably also the most emotionally painful sex when it all comes crashing down. A friend told me.