Sex leaves me cold

[FoxglovesInMyGarden]

I'm aware I probably have some deep seated issues around this.

I've spent my life reading about oxytocin and sex as a bonding activity and connection and feeling closer and I just don't recognise any of it and never have done.

The only time I've felt really comfortable in an ongoing sexual relationship is when it's been a fwb situation with no romantic feelings attached. But in a relationship? It doesn't matter how good the relationship is, the sex just leaves me cold. The longer I'm with someone, the better the relationship is in other respects, the worse it is.

I don't feel warmth or closeness. Just coldness and distance. My partners have spoken of feeling pushed away and rejected and they're right. I have no interest in pillow talk or cuddling and I do create distance.

It's nothing to do with how attentive they are or how cherished or valued or loved I feel day to day. Nothing to do with shared household chores. Nothing to do with feeling supported. In fact, the better these things are, the worse it is.

I have no idea if other women even feel like this! Anyone else?

Sounds like postcoital dysphoria. Some people feel depressed or irritable just after sex, maybe that’s what is happening to you x

Well yes, I hear crack cocaine gives you a high like no other… the come down is brutal though… Illicit sex in the crack cocaine of sex… Amazing in the moment, but really not worth it and will destroy you in the long run.

I think some kind of therapy might help you figure things out. I'm demisexual, I only feel sexual attraction when I have feelings for someone, so casual sex isn't something I have an interest in; but I veer towards asexuality as even in a relationship I really can take it or leave it, it's not a big priority for me. Maybe speaking to someone will help you figure out why you feel like this, and how you can get the best out of relationships.

It might not be normal for you but it obviously is for a lot of people, including myself, who agree with the OP

It's an interesting thread. I didn't realise it was this common.

Have you had lots of fwb? Has that generally been what you’ve done for most of your life?
perhaps you are used to that emotional detach and just struggling to accept that there can be a situation where the benefits are emotional