Cheated Husband asking for your perspective

[InnoculatedImmunity]

Hello, Just found out that my wife of 11 years, together 12 years, had a two-night stand (AP1) and a one-night stand (AP2) in span of 10 days last summer. Needless to say, I am completely devastated as one would be when they put all their trust into someone and end up getting betrayed by that person. To make things more complicated, we have a wonderful daughter who we both love very much (9 at the time of cheating events). I first found out about the one-night stand (AP2) as a friend of my wife's send me an incriminating video. This friend had a falling out with my wife.. So this was her revenge. Friend did not know about the two-night stand (AP1), which I will talk about later. Apparently AP2 and wife had just done the deed, and she was recording him laying in bed, playing with his privates. Guy was very well-built, handsome (10 out of 10. Like Ken from Barbie movie) and half my and wife's age (24). Next day she sent out her little production to this ex-friend. Initially wife claimed that she was talking to her about how she messed up and was so sorry, and ex-friend wanted to see the video, so wife say she sent it over. I was distraught and completely devastated. How could she do this to me and her daughter? To our marriage we had built, to our future plans to grow old together? We had had some ups and downs in our marriage but were in a very good place in our relationship. Only compliant I had been that we were only having sex every three months over the last two years before this happened. She always blamed it on hormones and pre-menopause. She was diagnosed with low Testosterone and had actually started taking testosterone a week before I received incriminating video.

Anyway, this happened on a 4-day-long business trip, and according to wife, happened on the last day of the trip. My wife had always had problems with alcoholism and had tried to quit a few times but never successfully. She said that she got off work early on the last day and went to the hotel bar to kill time. Ended up staying at the bar for hours and the guy kept buying her shots. Also, initially claimed that she thought she was "roofied" but then recanted that story later. She showed great remorse and was crying profusely when I found out. Stated begging me not to leave her and that she will do anything to save our marriage. I told her to get away from me and not touch me as I was disgusted by her at this point. We stayed up and discussed this all night (daughter was asleep in her room). She tried to make it seem like she did not do it willingly and was so drunk that she doesn't even remember the incident. Just flashes. I eventually decided to give our marriage a second life, mainly because of our daughter, and I still felt love in my heart from my wife. However, if I am being honest, I would have no give it a second try were it not for my daughter. I have always been in the group that said “you do that. Better pack your bags the next day”, and my wife knew my stance (maybe why she never came clean to me on her own).

We started going to therapy, and wife told me she would be completely transparent, and I can have full access to her phone/email/computer/social media account etc.etc. The next day I asked her for her phone and ran a recovery software on it. I am in IT and very good with technology, and wife of course knows this. The next day I confronted my wife as I had found something disturbing in some deleted messages. I don't think wife realized I can recover deleted messages. Anyway, I found out that she was flaunting the video to her friends, a couple of them. Basically, saying look I bagged a stud…!!! Again, this hit me like a ton of bricks. She had told me that she sent the video during a guilt driver discussing with her one friend, but in fact it was completely opposite. When I confronted wife with this info, she fessed up and said that initially she felt that way, as she was dealing with her own “mortality”. Her dad had passed away a few months ago, and she was feeling old etc.etc.

At this point, I told her to come completely clean with me and tell me if there is anything else I need to know. At this point, knowing I can go through her deleted text history, she confessed to another incident, the two-night stand with AP1. This one took place 10 days before the second incident, on another work trip. Apparently, this was the first time she every cheated on me… same reasons about mortality, getting old, missing her dad, and getting really drunk at the hotel bar. Apparently she was flirting with the bar tender (was 39) and ended up staying until the bar closed at 9 PM. Then her and bar tender sat in the lobby and finished their drinks. She said she wanted more drinks… And told the bar tender she had some in her room!! They went to her room, and she claims they only “dry humped” the first night as she orgasmed on him with their pants on, but tops off. She then told him to leave (hard for me to belive it didn't lead to actual sex that night). Then next day she thought about him all day at work and said she could not get him out of her mind. Went back to her hotel, down to the bar at 11 AM (work got out early that day), and met him as she started his bar tending job around 1 PM. Stayed at bar all day, and once it closed they both went to her room and had sex. Says he left after about an hour. As she thinks he probably had a girlfriend waiting for him at home. I believe she only told me about this one as she was afraid, I would discover this in the deleted text messages. She apparently had STI test done after AP1, but not after AP2. I just had a full STI panel done on me, and everything is negative thankfully. We have been going to therapy, even after I found out about AP1. I am completely devastated, and cannot get the image of my wife sitting at the bar, and then agreeing to go to her room with a stranger. How easily she disregard our marriage, health and future plans. What type of woman does this? And then to do it again a few days later.

I can't sleep anymore, as I am constantly thinking about why she would do this. Did I do something wrong, did I not pay attention to our marriage… I can't figure it out. She keeps giving me the same reason… Mortality, feeling old, dad's death… I don't buy it, but she seems so genuine. Main reason is that both these men were 10s. I have gained a few extra pounds, but still look fairly attractive… maybe she wanted someone younger? Then leave me and go be with younger men… I can't make sense of it.

So, the silver lining is that my wife made significant effort to give up alcohol about a year ago (I started noticing her attempts to stop drinking in July. Both incidents happened in late June). She struggled a bit, but eventually was able to give up alcohol completely and is now sober for 8 months. She started pulling us to Church about six months ago and has said we all need to live a “godly” life for the last few months. Furthermore, she now tells me that she made all these changes after the second incident, as she realized a few days later that she was spiraling. Why did it take her a few days to realize this? Why not the next morning after the first or even the second guy? She swears on our daughter that there were no other guys. She loves our daughter more than life itself... So I am inclined to believe her. But…for the life of me, I cannot figure out why she would step out of a happy marriage and exhibit such behavior. Also, I did not find anything else on her phone/computer that indicated there were others. She has been showing a lot of remorse, apologizing, working hard at answering all my questions, even when I am somewhat mean to her when a bit of anger starts to show up. I go through phases of love for her to disdain for her, to feeling bad for both of us and our daughter… it's a constant roller coaster.

I found out about all this 2 weeks ago, and we have had sex about 5 times in the last week… (I know I am an idiot). This has been some of the best sex we have had… Like we used to when we first met. It is probably a combination of Testosterone treatment for her and maybe the fear of losing each other… I don't know. She says alcohol is gone forever, and that was the main driver, but I can't… Maybe won't… Let myself believe she will not cheat again. Possibly trust needs to be built up again overtime. She seems very genuine, so either she is telling the truth or is a complete psychopath. I can't decide which. Can I get any constructive perspectives from folks here? I can't talk to any of my friends or family, as they would be too judgmental.

I have decided to stay and work on our marriage instead of taking the easy way out. It has been extremely hard, but is there light at the end of the tunnel? Am I burying my head in the sand and will get hurt again? Need some perspective from someone outside the relationship… As I think I may have tunnel vision. Thanks for reading the long-winded story!

Aww @InnoculatedImmunity I’m so sorry you are dealing with this trauma. Please do acknowledge it as a trauma and look after yourself.

You only found out two weeks ago the full extent of your wife’s cheating so this is all very raw right now.

Reconciliation can and does work for many couples but it involves full transparency, dedication to repairing the damage and empathy from the cheat. I hope you feel like you’ve got the full story now but I’m sure you’re still reeling from the constant changes in story.

It’s great that she is sober for a good few months but please do not let her blame alcohol for her cheating, her alcoholism is part of her problem not an excuse for what she did. Deep down she is selfish and entitled and seeking crutches to self soothe. That needs to be unpicked by a counsellor. So I’d encourage her into individual counselling. Until she has unpicked this need to self soothe in such destructive ways she will continue to be a risk.

I am going to point you in the direction of some really good resources.

1. the Surviving Infidelity website, they have amazing moderators there who will offer ongoing support and advice.
2. The book ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’ which is just a road may into rebuilding trust
3. leave a cheat gain a life book which will help you understand cheater mindset and how this is not on your marriage or on you but all on her and her inner self

It takes time to heal from this whether you stay or go, you can also change your mind at any point now as she has broken your marriage vows. She will be desperate for you to forgive (hence why the church visits) but I’d be VERY wary of being railroaded into something you don’t feel. For many acceptance it has happened and a willingness to move forward is enough.

Good luck.

Her boasting about her conquests shows how little remorse she has. She is sorry she got caught. That’s it.

I disagree with PP that reconciliation can work (your relationship will always be poisoned by this) and also that leaving is the ‘easy’ way out. Leaving is brave. You have to face the unknown and have enough self respect to put yourself first. Rather than attempt the cognitive dissonance of ‘they loved me’ and also ‘they disrespected me and betrayed me in the worst way’. The two things are mutually exclusive. You do not do this to people you genuinely love.

I also disagree with ‘staying for the kids’ and modelling this relationship to your DD.

There is no need to rush any decisions but I think you will be feeling differently in a few months or years when the shock has died down. The instinct initially to keep everything the same, hence the hysterical bonding.

Time will tell.

I often think that if someone has the propensity to cheat, they have to work VERY hard not to cheat again

Your wife appears to blame the alcohol for her cheating (which is obviously rubbish) but as she's now given up the booze, maybe this is her way of showing herself and you that she is prepared to work VERY hard

What a mess.

It must be incredibly frustrating for you especially as shes irreplaceably damaged the marriage for something so meaningless.

She sounds like she has her own demons (drinking, suddenly turning to Christ) the bragging to her friends i cannot fathom.
I cannot imagine a world where I brag about jeopardising my marriage. Also no real responsibility/ ownership of her choices.

You dont have to make any fast decisions BUT if you dont think you can make a go of it (i am not sure I'd could tbh)... for your DD you are better off separating younger vs teen years i think. I say this anecdotally based on my own experience so may be wrong but the kids 12-15 at time of parental splits seem to be the most affected by it.

Id be very alert to being railroaded into things to allow her to show shes sorry...unless its very mainstream the church especially.. there seems to be a lot that "specialise" in repentant sinner alcohol drugs etc. There's tithes etc and its all a bit culty.

Had this been a guy I was with it would LTB 100%. Im sorry, but having a drink or even having a problem with alcohol is no excuse for cheating. She said it herself, she thought about him all day (the “dry hump” guy) thats not a one off in the moment it just happened type deal and it happened with two different men? Thats a she needs that ego boost - which is confirmed when she brags to her friends about bagging “a stud”.

I dont know if she is telling the truth about only those two guys, regardless of who she sweared on, but she certainly would be a prime candidate for repeat behaviour.

You know what you want to do for you, this is mumsnet, you're going to get the perspective of mostly women and most would kick a husband in to touch if their husbands behaved like this (but whether you get this advice is another thing), that might not be what you want to hear. May be you come here for impartial advice and you will get that no doubt, looking for the silver lining etc. I think you might be after hearing what you want to hear by posting on mumsnet with this, which might be why you didnt post in a dadsnet type forum. She has on the surface made progress, you seem to be happy with your sex life - but what happens six months from now or a year from now when things settle down a bit?

I would never be able to get the betrayal out of my head. I would never be able to trust a partner that did this again. For me its 100% leave her, but thats me, you know what you want to do.

Thank you so much for your response. I did post of men's website, but all I get there is leave the bit* and nothing more. I wanted to get a different perspective/point of view. maybe from a woman's side, on why you think she would do this? I am trying my best to try and understand how you can just throw way 11 years of loving marriage. We buried parents together, built 3 homes together, have a beautiful child, no money problems, decent health... I can't make sense of it... and all I get from Men's site is... Leave the cheating Bi**. The second day with AP1 bothers me a lot. You are correct, had nothing to do with boos.

Thanks so much for your response. I will check out the resources you mentioned.

I don't think you can stay in this marriage. What she did is too much . she is still going to be going on business trips?. How is that going to work?. How can you live with that, how worried would you be?. You would need to become extremely toxic and controlling to keep checking on her. You won't be able to help it. It will be an extremely miserable existence for both of you. I would just end it as amicably as possible for the sake of your daughter. She is a human being and will let you down again

Your wife is a liar and a cheater. Not only that, she was bloody bragging about it to her friends. She's absolutely vile.

What about the next time when she "relapses" and blames it on the alcohol again?

Don't buy all this crap about being sober and living a godly life. Too little too late. She didn't think of God when she broke the vows she made in front of him.

If you stay you're just emotionally torturing yourself and your resentment will build, this will not be a better environment for your child than if you split. I can assure you of that.

That period you are in now I recognise as what can be termed ‘hysterical bonding’. Don’t really like hysterical as an adjective given its misogynistic roots but it was helpful for me to understand why one of my first reactions to my ex’s affairs was to suddenly start having lots of sex. All the heightened emotions and the jolt out of complacency.

I am a wiser woman now and know I should have left him if I could. It’s very easy for others to say a couple should split but the reality is extremely hard. The children, the practicalities, the finances. We limped on for a whole decade because of children and finances but really the relationship died when he cheated.

She probably does want nothing more than a return to ‘before’ now as she’s terrified at what she’s done. The religion thing seems like a way to try and control the situation by hiding behind a set of rules she just has to follow to be good again.
It may never happen again. She may appreciate you more now. BUT you will never see her the same again. You’d be an unusual man to be able to live with this.

I agree that the alcohol was not the reason she cheated. In either case she wasn’t blind drunk — she was actively looking to cheat. Alcohol may have given her extra courage but that’s all.

I think she has told you the truth. Her identity is tied to how other people perceive her. She’s getting older and maybe going through menopause/ perimenopause and was feeling insecure. Getting attention from other men made her feel valued. It’s shallow and selfish. It was nothing to do with you or how you treated her. It was how she saw herself. Being with them was an ego boost. The fact she shared the video and boasted to her friends proves this. She was still on a high from how that experience made her feel and she wanted to show her friends that she still had ‘value’ to these younger good looking men. The sad thing is what man is going to say no to sex? It means very little to them and them sleeping with her doesn’t give your wife value it just shows she’s weak and is willing to destroy her family to feel wanted by someone else.

She might feel genuine regret now in the cold light of day when the high has passed. I don’t doubt that those few nights do not compare to you and all you have built together. It was stupid, reckless and hurtful. Giving up alcohol is a start and it shows commitment to change. I don’t necessarily think she will do it again but at the same time you don’t deserve to have any doubt in that. So this isn’t really about her anymore. What do you want? She’s changed your relationship forever. You can work on it and get to a place where you are happy but you will never forget. Only you know if you can live with that. I’m so sorry.

Sorry this happened OP. That must be so hard to get your head and heart round.
One of the reasons you are struggling to make sense of it, is because her lamé explanations don’t fully stack up.
She doesn’t seem to have fully taken responsibility either. Blaming alcohol is a way to deflect from fact she had a choice, and chose to.
Why would someone throw away a long marriage on a couple of flings? That’s really a Q only she can answer and doesn’t sound like she fully has.
The bragging to her friends is beyond disrespectful. Sending the video unreal when you and DD sat at home.
You have made the choice to stay. Problem is, if you take a plate and smash it, then apologise… even if you do the hard work of gluing it back together, it is never the same.
If you don’t want to be dragged to Church (seems almost farcical) put your foot down.
Also if she hasn’t already joining AA to do much needed work and help her stay sober could help. 12 steps involve work such as examining reasons for those you’ve harmed (maybe better than 🧹 brushing under carpet). For you, there’s al-anon if you need someone to speak to. Also be extra kind to yourself and your DD.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I've been cheated on by my exh and its so painful.

I honestly don't think there's any hope here. She clearly didn't feel bad enough to not do it again after the first time cheating. The boasting shows a total lack of remorse and she clearly didn't care about the risk of getting caught. You can't be in a relationship with someone who has no respect for you.

If you take her back, she will just do it again and that will be even worse for your daughter.

How long has she been going on ‘business trips’? When did she last change her phone?
Sitting in the hotel bar, drinking and looking for an AP seems to be her M.O. She’s already lied, so would not surprise me at all if she’s done this before last year as hanging around talking to random APs in hotel bars seems to be a pattern… most women on business trips either avoid the bar or grab a glass and go… wouldn’t occur to try and find someone to sleep with! Her staying all night, she’s actively looking. If she can do two men in 10 days, wouldn’t be confident there aren’t more she’s clocked up in preceding years.

Thanks for the very deep perspective. I tend to agree with you on your thoughts. I really do want to make it work. The remorse and work she has been putting in shows she will try. Although, I still question her remorse if more for the hurt she brought to the family, or because she got caught? But then I think of all the changes she has been trying to make before she got caught. Especially, giving up alcohol is huge for her as she came from a family where parents drank constantly and her mom cheated on her dad a couple times before coming back to her senses.

She's been traveling for work before we met, so all of our time together. My gut tells me there are more, but I can't find any evidence of it on her phone. Her phone number is the same since we met. and she got a new phone about 3 years ago.

I'll be blunt here and i apologise if it sounds hard but I'm surprised no one has mentioned your wife openly sharing a video of this man to multiple people. I'm pretty sure that's illegal. To do this she showed absolutely no remorse and continued to openly brag about it for a period of time. This does not show that her "changes" were anything to do with a crisis point that helped her see the light. She's only remorseful that she was caught out after going to great lengths (deleting everything and lying) to cover it up. You also would probably have never found out if this friend of hers hadn't fallen out with your wife. Perhaps it was the friend who actually had a conscience in all this bragging and distributing porn without consent fiasco, rather than your wife. Why did they fall out anyways?

I personally could not forgive this, nor would I be having sex with them multiple times after finding out. But that's your perogative. I also don't agree with "staying for the kids" because ultimately that's also damaging in itself to everyone involved. So if you can't move past this and forgive her then you need to leave. However if you have chosen to stay then you have to let it go and find a way to move past it because you can't keep punishing her when you have chosen to okay it. I understand you are going to question most things, especially if she continues with the work trips, etc, but that can only be the consequence of allowing such a boundary to be crossed.

For me it’s the bragging to her friends afterwards that would makes this unforgivable… and makes it even worse than a moment of madness where she just gave in to lust, which obviously would have been bad enough and grounds for ending the relationship in itself.

I could just about see how reconciliation might possibly work if it was just a one-night stand or two if the relationship was in a bad place, but the boasting of her exploits by sending a dirty video to her friends… no, that’s a step too far.

Wow, I'm so sorry. I'm fifteen years in after my wife's affair and it's hard not to conclude that we should have parted. But we stay because we have illusions.

@InnoculatedImmunity When I discovered my wife's affair, I was in shock but didn't realise it. Do not rush into any decisions. Be selfish. Take whatever time you need, away from your wife if necessary. Beware of the illusion of reconciliation: it's possible, but much more difficult than you probably believe.

Here's my story if you wish to read it, now seven years out of date:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/sex/3173114-The-aftermath-of-an-affair

The fact that she so casually bragged to her friends is a huge red flag here. I think only a tiny minority of women would feel anything other that terrible shame and remorse. Sharing the video too? The audacity!

Settled married women with health, self-esteem problems and menopausal problems don’t typically go out and get blindingly drunk and try and shag younger men. The alcohol is not enough of an excuse I’m afraid.

i wonder if friends are probably used to her doing this? What kind of friends does she have who will not condemn her for this behaviour and laugh along/cover it up?

Her behaviour is frankly disgusting. She has blown up your family life and her remorse is way too late in my opinion

Can you reach out to her friend? Ask if she knows any more? Chances are she was not approving and that’s why she outed her. You need clarity as to whether she’s been doing this for years and if her friend group all knew. Don’t think much of the friends tbh.
You don’t want your own friends and family to know yet that misses a crucial support network for you. Your choice of course but having to keep her secrets on top of everything when you haven’t done anything wrong so she can play sober, good christian woman role as they’ll be judgemental misses the point. The reason they’ll be judgemental is perfectly valid.
You’re already in therapy, not sleeping and suffering badly with tormenting Qs. Not fair at all on you or DD.

Your wife made a conscious decision to cheat. If you look at the AP1, she went back for a second time - that's not a mistake, it's a decision. She got away with the first incident and it gave her the confidence to cheat with AP2. The only reason she's remorseful is because she got caught, and the only reason why you know about AP1, is because you're a tech wizard, and found the information! She had zero intentions of admitting to it, and for this very reason you will never truly know if she's cheated prior to these incidents. Just because you can't find evidence, doesn't mean, she hasn't cheated before. Her attitude to be honest is awful, showing her friends a video of this young man, and boasting to them she'd cheated!!!! Alcohol didn't make her cheat and neither did it make her forward on the video she made to various friends! She's using alcohol as an excuse for her behaviour, when in reality it looks as if she was actively pursuing these men. None of them put a gun to her head and forced her to have sex, like I said, she made a conscious decision to do so. I can't answer why your wife has behaved in this way... I couldn't forgive this.

I had extensive email and phone correspondence with the ex-friend. She did not know of any other incidents, but she also did not know of AP1. So, it is possible, wife never told her of others.