Hello, Just found out that my wife of 11 years, together 12 years, had a two-night stand (AP1) and a one-night stand (AP2) in span of 10 days last summer. Needless to say, I am completely devastated as one would be when they put all their trust into someone and end up getting betrayed by that person. To make things more complicated, we have a wonderful daughter who we both love very much (9 at the time of cheating events). I first found out about the one-night stand (AP2) as a friend of my wife's send me an incriminating video. This friend had a falling out with my wife.. So this was her revenge. Friend did not know about the two-night stand (AP1), which I will talk about later. Apparently AP2 and wife had just done the deed, and she was recording him laying in bed, playing with his privates. Guy was very well-built, handsome (10 out of 10. Like Ken from Barbie movie) and half my and wife's age (24). Next day she sent out her little production to this ex-friend. Initially wife claimed that she was talking to her about how she messed up and was so sorry, and ex-friend wanted to see the video, so wife say she sent it over. I was distraught and completely devastated. How could she do this to me and her daughter? To our marriage we had built, to our future plans to grow old together? We had had some ups and downs in our marriage but were in a very good place in our relationship. Only compliant I had been that we were only having sex every three months over the last two years before this happened. She always blamed it on hormones and pre-menopause. She was diagnosed with low Testosterone and had actually started taking testosterone a week before I received incriminating video.
Anyway, this happened on a 4-day-long business trip, and according to wife, happened on the last day of the trip. My wife had always had problems with alcoholism and had tried to quit a few times but never successfully. She said that she got off work early on the last day and went to the hotel bar to kill time. Ended up staying at the bar for hours and the guy kept buying her shots. Also, initially claimed that she thought she was "roofied" but then recanted that story later. She showed great remorse and was crying profusely when I found out. Stated begging me not to leave her and that she will do anything to save our marriage. I told her to get away from me and not touch me as I was disgusted by her at this point. We stayed up and discussed this all night (daughter was asleep in her room). She tried to make it seem like she did not do it willingly and was so drunk that she doesn't even remember the incident. Just flashes. I eventually decided to give our marriage a second life, mainly because of our daughter, and I still felt love in my heart from my wife. However, if I am being honest, I would have no give it a second try were it not for my daughter. I have always been in the group that said “you do that. Better pack your bags the next day”, and my wife knew my stance (maybe why she never came clean to me on her own).
We started going to therapy, and wife told me she would be completely transparent, and I can have full access to her phone/email/computer/social media account etc.etc. The next day I asked her for her phone and ran a recovery software on it. I am in IT and very good with technology, and wife of course knows this. The next day I confronted my wife as I had found something disturbing in some deleted messages. I don't think wife realized I can recover deleted messages. Anyway, I found out that she was flaunting the video to her friends, a couple of them. Basically, saying look I bagged a stud…!!! Again, this hit me like a ton of bricks. She had told me that she sent the video during a guilt driver discussing with her one friend, but in fact it was completely opposite. When I confronted wife with this info, she fessed up and said that initially she felt that way, as she was dealing with her own “mortality”. Her dad had passed away a few months ago, and she was feeling old etc.etc.
At this point, I told her to come completely clean with me and tell me if there is anything else I need to know. At this point, knowing I can go through her deleted text history, she confessed to another incident, the two-night stand with AP1. This one took place 10 days before the second incident, on another work trip. Apparently, this was the first time she every cheated on me… same reasons about mortality, getting old, missing her dad, and getting really drunk at the hotel bar. Apparently she was flirting with the bar tender (was 39) and ended up staying until the bar closed at 9 PM. Then her and bar tender sat in the lobby and finished their drinks. She said she wanted more drinks… And told the bar tender she had some in her room!! They went to her room, and she claims they only “dry humped” the first night as she orgasmed on him with their pants on, but tops off. She then told him to leave (hard for me to belive it didn't lead to actual sex that night). Then next day she thought about him all day at work and said she could not get him out of her mind. Went back to her hotel, down to the bar at 11 AM (work got out early that day), and met him as she started his bar tending job around 1 PM. Stayed at bar all day, and once it closed they both went to her room and had sex. Says he left after about an hour. As she thinks he probably had a girlfriend waiting for him at home. I believe she only told me about this one as she was afraid, I would discover this in the deleted text messages. She apparently had STI test done after AP1, but not after AP2. I just had a full STI panel done on me, and everything is negative thankfully. We have been going to therapy, even after I found out about AP1. I am completely devastated, and cannot get the image of my wife sitting at the bar, and then agreeing to go to her room with a stranger. How easily she disregard our marriage, health and future plans. What type of woman does this? And then to do it again a few days later.
I can't sleep anymore, as I am constantly thinking about why she would do this. Did I do something wrong, did I not pay attention to our marriage… I can't figure it out. She keeps giving me the same reason… Mortality, feeling old, dad's death… I don't buy it, but she seems so genuine. Main reason is that both these men were 10s. I have gained a few extra pounds, but still look fairly attractive… maybe she wanted someone younger? Then leave me and go be with younger men… I can't make sense of it.
So, the silver lining is that my wife made significant effort to give up alcohol about a year ago (I started noticing her attempts to stop drinking in July. Both incidents happened in late June). She struggled a bit, but eventually was able to give up alcohol completely and is now sober for 8 months. She started pulling us to Church about six months ago and has said we all need to live a “godly” life for the last few months. Furthermore, she now tells me that she made all these changes after the second incident, as she realized a few days later that she was spiraling. Why did it take her a few days to realize this? Why not the next morning after the first or even the second guy? She swears on our daughter that there were no other guys. She loves our daughter more than life itself... So I am inclined to believe her. But…for the life of me, I cannot figure out why she would step out of a happy marriage and exhibit such behavior. Also, I did not find anything else on her phone/computer that indicated there were others. She has been showing a lot of remorse, apologizing, working hard at answering all my questions, even when I am somewhat mean to her when a bit of anger starts to show up. I go through phases of love for her to disdain for her, to feeling bad for both of us and our daughter… it's a constant roller coaster.
I found out about all this 2 weeks ago, and we have had sex about 5 times in the last week… (I know I am an idiot). This has been some of the best sex we have had… Like we used to when we first met. It is probably a combination of Testosterone treatment for her and maybe the fear of losing each other… I don't know. She says alcohol is gone forever, and that was the main driver, but I can't… Maybe won't… Let myself believe she will not cheat again. Possibly trust needs to be built up again overtime. She seems very genuine, so either she is telling the truth or is a complete psychopath. I can't decide which. Can I get any constructive perspectives from folks here? I can't talk to any of my friends or family, as they would be too judgmental.
I have decided to stay and work on our marriage instead of taking the easy way out. It has been extremely hard, but is there light at the end of the tunnel? Am I burying my head in the sand and will get hurt again? Need some perspective from someone outside the relationship… As I think I may have tunnel vision. Thanks for reading the long-winded story!