The aftermath of an affair.

[Eric1964]

Hello.

I'm a bloke around 50, been married for about a decade and a half. This post could be very long, so I'll try to boil it down to the essentials.

My wife and I met via internet dating. Instant connection, very good sex initially - but she wouldn't let me french-kiss. Hmmmm…..

After a short time, the sex declined suddenly and we got into an unhealthy pattern where she felt I was nagging her for sex (I may have been) and she was constantly turning me down (she was.) Our sexual repertoire shrunk to the absolute essentials to get the job done (which was not what I wanted.) Sometimes afterwards, she would bring herself to orgasm after I'd left the room, which I was fine with. During this period, I was deeply unhappy due to lack of sex. Her line was, "I'm just not really into sex," whilst at the same time coming across as sexually liberated - for example, before me, I think she was quite happy to lock on to a bloke she fancied and just whisk him off to bed. She's very attractive so I doubt she ever got turned down.

Well, a few years ago, she had an affair. I think I discovered it because of the OM's incompetence - his wife discovered it, came and knocked on our door, I sent her away at first, then found texts…… you can guess the rest. Wife played it down, I (naively) went along with that. I was satisfied at the time the affair wasn't that serious and was over.

It wasn't. Six months later, a package arrived at my work with print-outs of emails between them, from AFTER the time the affair had first been discovered. Steamy! She couldn't wait to have sex with him. They did it at our house in the morning, in the car at lunchtimes, at a friend's house overnight. It was clear there was much sexy kissing (see above) and enthusiastic oral (which had been off our menu for years,) as well as plenty of shagging.

Worst single incident: their works Christmas do. She put on a dress, which was so hot I wanted to rip it straight off. I then picked him up from his house, and he came to ours whilst my wife finished getting ready, then I took them to their works night out. The next day, she'd ripped her tights from falling over whilst drunk. It dawned on me a couple of days later she'd ripped them in the course of them shagging, in a car or in a back alley or whatever.

I was in shock and my reaction was all wrong. We ended up just going back to normal.

Of course, I've never got over the affair. I think this was brought home to me two years ago. On holiday, no stress, a hotel we'd been to before and loved, didn't have to lift a finger. Spent at least an hour in the hotel room every night virtually naked before going out. Didn't have sex once.

I seem to have reached a few conclusions/crossroads:

1. She likes sex - just not with me.
2. The sex with her affair partner was a much more important part of the affair than she made out, and than I allowed myself to see.
3. I don't think she's had sex with anyone else since - but I think there's a significant probability (20% - 50%) that she has had either one or more affairs, or one-night stands, with other men before this event.
4. Our sex life is the same as it's always been: lacklustre to the nth degree. They always say you'll know when your partner is having an affair, because there'll be changes; typically more sex or less sex; not so in our case. Still the same once-a-fortnight (on average) non-event.
5. I can no longer deny my feelings, or what's under my nose. I don't think for a moment she's going to suddenly want sex with me.

And, finally,…..

…..I know she loves me. Scoff if you must, but I know it's true. She tells me all the time and always has done. I love her, too, but the problem is…… I also want to have sex with her. I know that's weird, but she is my wife.

I'm thinking of talking to her about all this. She'll be shocked - it's lain dormant for years. She'll think I'm trying to emotionally blackmail her into sex. I'm not - I'm just about ready to give up. How should I approach this?

Have you had sexual partners before you're wife and was that good ?

I do believe you're wife may love you but if she whilst having an affair was having sex with someone else sadly she Dosent find you attractive any more.
Even giving this if she was sexually actively previously you would think that when she kissed you she's have some stirred feelings and want to have sexual with you.

You need to talk to your wife tell her youl leave if things don't change.

Put kissing on the table initially not sez but start kissing first and cuddling and see how this feels
Try flirting with her you will have also disconnected from
Her

If she is not willing to do any of the above you need to ask you're self why you do not deserve better ?

She doesnt find you sexually attractive and hasnt for a very long time.

She is willing to do things with another man or men she wont do with you. That says it all.

Whether you leave or stay is up to you. By all means tell her how you feel but from where i am sitting she doesnt fancy you.

And how do you know is isnt shagging around - you had no clue the first time round.

And it doesnt matter how many times she tells you ahe loves you, she carries on affair after she was found.

She has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. I couldn’t stay in a relationship like that!

Mmmm, this reads like a typical cuckold wank fantasy tbh.

Well, it's the least enjoyable fantasy I've ever had.

This will be unconventional advice but if you take out any sort of emotional affair, would you accept her physical dalliances in return for a stronger sexual relationship with her? She sounds like the sort of person who could be quite up for a discussion around open marriage or getting into swinging and if you work well as companions and if you harbour any sort of fantasies to try these things, it could be worth discussing. At the absolute worst case she'll be offended and want to split but that would probably be a good escape for you if so.

@balsamicbarbara : Yes, unconventional, but welcome all the same, though I doubt it'll work for us.

My first mistake was when the sex fell off a cliff early in our relationship. There's not much I could have done, except to say, "Babe, if you don't want to have sex with me, that's cool - but you have to tell me the truth. Oh, and - we won't be getting married."

I don't know what to do. Haven't a clue. That's why I'm here - you never know, someone may be in a position to suggest something I'd not thought of.

stop being a bitch and tell her to do one.

you picked him up after for a 'works du' after knowing they had slept with eachother? that is a chump move.

fuck her off mate, she doesnt care for you. or stay and keep being her little bitch put your head in the stand while she carries on the affair she clearlty doesnt want to give up.

This all seems a bit odd to me Eric, there's so much supposition, uncertainty - haven't you talked, asked? For instance, have you asked your wife if 'She likes sex - just not with me' (you)? You know, I think I would. Presumably, after you found out about her affair you did talk (initially shout) about it. Isn't that the kind of question you put to her to then - or subsequently. We have all had to put difficult questions with potentially painful answers on occasions, it's how we find things out that matter from people who matter in relationships that matter.

Forgive me, but quite apart from any mismatch in respect to sex, it almost sounds as if you don't speak a common language. I don't wish to be harsh, judgemental, your post genuinely comes across that way.

you should have a lover.

Love your wife and get the sex elsewhere.

simple.

Leave her. Split up. There doesn’t sound as if there is any solution to this strange situation

Sometimes afterwards, she would bring herself to orgasm after I'd left the room, which I was fine with

In my opinion she either doesn't fancy you or the problem is the above! Your ok to leave her unsatisfied and let her see to herself. It looks to me like she isn't satisfied sexually so she's not bothering with you in that way.

She's walked all over you & you've let her do it-repeatedly. Don't know about your wife but for me weakness is a massive turn off.
Alarm bells should have rung when after sex you left her to have a wank-seriously, wtf? That is not a healthy sexual relationship.

@NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom : you've articulated clearly what a lot of people feel.

One of the reasons why I reacted the way I did was that it was all just so unexpected. It was the first time I'd ever been in that situation and I didn't know what to do. With hindsight, I can see what I should have done, but hindsight's no use.

To take your point and make it more general: yeah, sure we want men to have emotions and be sensitive, but not too much, eh? I mean, at the end of the day, if a man tries to understand someone's mistake and forgive them, then that's just weakness, isn't it? And there's nothing more contemptible than a weak man!

It's not just a man thing for me sorry-if someone treats you with the contempt in which your wife has by blatantly flaunting her shagging of someone else in your face then I Fail to see what there is to understand never mind thinking about forgiving... so yes it shows weakness & a pathetic trait of submissivness.
Cheating is a no coming back from for me, once you've lost the trust & respect you've got fuck all left.

It sounds like she likes sex but not with you. So why did she marry you. Are you rich or a safe option?

I would say leave her and find someone who will love you and want you. She's having her cake and eating it as things are.

Have a proper talk with her about what she wants, sexually? Personally, I pretty much always insist on a couple of orgasms before DH gets going, otherwise he just forgets. Maybe talk to her about an evening which is just about her, see if it helps?

Otherwise, I actually think an open relationship is worth thinking about. DH and I are not naturally compatible in bed, although I adore him and fancy him. It's just we have very different sexual wants.

We have talked it to death, and have reached a point where we agree that we could, in theory, have a degree of openness. I nearly had a fling last year, and it felt bloody brilliant. I'm still buzzing from it, and it's done wonders for my relationship with DH.

She just doesn't fancy you but will love you as a sibling iykwim. I am putting my neck on the line here but I feel the same about my husband. I am not attracted to him sexually.

would you accept her physical dalliances in return for a stronger sexual relationship with her?

But it sounds like she doesn't want to have sex with him. Negotiating more sex with someone who clearly doesn't want you is just grim. The only sensible thing to do here is call it quits.