friend won't let me speak to her son

[mudinthelane]

I am not sure how I am meant to feel about this.

My very good friend, who I have known since school, has an adult son who is now 21. We used to go on holiday with our kids, so I have known him well until the age of about 10. She lives quite a distance from us, but she and I speak each week on zoom, and meet up a few times a year. However, she doesn't seem to want me to speak to her son.
He came to collect something for her from our house as he was passing, and organising that through her was really difficult, as she keep making excuses about why he couldn't/wouldn't want to do it. However, when he did come round, he was quite sweet, and I kicked myself for not encouraging him to stay for a cuppa and cake; I hadn't done it because she was adamant he would only pick the item up and leave.
On a recent weekend away, her son dropped her at the front door with all her bags. It was fortunate I was in, as they were at least an hour earlier than expected; he had gone by the time I had answered the door, even though he had just done a 4 hour drive and of course I would have offered a cuppa/snack etc (in fact, I had offered that he join us for a meal but that had been declined in advance). He also collected her from our house afterwards. She went straight up the loo when we arrived, and he had arrived at the same time. I invited him in; we were sitting in the garden having a chat about our trip and what he was up to. When she came down we were mid-conversation; she walked into the garden and then back into the house without a word or pause, and even her son said, 'Where are you off to, mum?' He followed her and she got him to load the car and they left.
She and I are good friends; she has no family to speak of, and he is an only child. I feel rather like an aunt towards him, as I do with all of my good friend's children. My own kids just muck in (whether they like it or not, they know it is expected of them!!). Can anyone give a different perspective for what is going on? I am a bit hurt, I suppose, and probably behaved like I was rather narked, which I shouldn't have, I know.

Have you had a string of toys boys and she’s concerned about you making a play for him? (Clutching at straws!)

Yes I thought weird too.

Is she thinking you find him attractive? Are you flirty/over friendly with him? What’s with the cuppa/snack/asking him to stay for a meal?

Only polite when he’s had a long journey and is going back the same way!

A better question… why do you want to talk to him OP? Maybe your insistence is creeping his mother out.

Are you single ? Have you flirted with him? (Even jokingly) could he have let it slip he finds you attractive?

Oh my word! Perhaps I didn't explain it very well. I am way the other side of 50 and I laughed out loud that she might think I may have designs on him! Wow! I was asking him to stay to the meal that I had prepared for my friend and all my family. He knows my kids who are about 3 years younger, as we used to go on holiday together, so it would be the 7 of us round the table having a spag bol!
Yes, he is 21, and can make up his own mind - but when his mum pulls him away to load the car it is a bit hard to say no, I think. Yes, I am probably an old fuddy-duddy in his mind, but he seemed to want to have a chat for a few minutes, and wasn't at all awkward. Isn't it courteous to humour old folk with a bit of small talk about the week we have had, and what he has been up to in the week too?

I am married and have been for over 30 years! What is going on in people's minds? Dear me! You lot obviously have a more exciting life than me!

Does she talk about him a lot like share a lot of private details or the opposite - gives away very little info? What do you know about his life atm?

Maybe there’s stuff going on within the family which she doesn’t want you to know about, and she’s afraid he’ll say something to you.

I’m with you OP, this is not because she thinks you fancy him. Years ago, I came across something similar and the reason my friend was so keen to keep me away from another friend was because she had gotten herself caught up in a lie with me and she was terrified they’d give her away. As it turns out, I ended up figuring it out eventually

My son is 20.

I can assure you if she has complete control over who he doesn’t speak to she’s full on abusing him and I couldn’t be friend with her.

I would imagine it’s his choice. He has agency at that age and could exercise it. Maybe ask her if you said something to make him feel uncomfortable? She may well be protecting him at his request - that’s the only time I could ever imagine my ds allowing me to dictate who he did and didn’t speak to!

I guess we share the same amount about our kids; what they are up to study/job wise, what they are doing socially, although she sometimes says she doesn't know some things we ask her, because she doesn't want to ask him about them. She can be cagey on the phone when she talks about him in case he is listening to what she says. Does that make a difference? He lives at home with her. I personally wouldn't say anything about my kids that I wouldn't say to their faces (the good, the bad and the ugly!), and as they are living with me, then I do think it is ok to ask them what they are doing uni-wise etc.

She and I are good friends.

We can speculate but only she can tell you the truth. Ask her!

Do you have a daughter who’s not much younger than him? Could something have happened there and she’s keeping him away from her not you? Just a thought

Thanks for your replies, folks.
I have sort of jokingly asked in a roundabout non-confrontational way about it. She says he is very shy and feels awkward. She has said this for years; they stopped the holiday thing because apparently he said he didn't want to join up anymore. Perhaps I am a bit more gung-ho; one of my kids is very shy (surely a teenage-thing?) but I encourage her to join in socially even if she feels it is tricky (we have all been there, haven't we?), especially with people we have known forever and who are practically family.
However, he may be a bit quiet, and that is fine, but a five minute chat in the garden that was going quite well as he was mid-flow about a place he had visited this week didn't seem to add up to him being excruciatingly shy and awkward.

I think she’s embarrassed about him, and doesn’t want him on the scene.

As bizarre as that sounds, it can be a very real thing, for whatever reason she’s got in her head.

You sound like a lovely ‘aunty’ type person and it’s nothing to do with you, it really is down to her imo.

I wonder if she's concerned you're going to find something out about her son, if you have a conversation with him. I have no idea what! Could he be gay???! In this day and age, no one is going to be horrified by that. May be she's lied about something to do with him? I agree it's odd. He's known you many years, it's not like you're a stranger.

Could he have a lifestyle that she is somewhat embarrassed about? Maybe something she’s worried will come up easily in conversation. I initially thought perhaps he is gay and she’s either embarrassed to tell you, or that she has left it so long to tell you that it would seem odd if it only came up in conversation now?! I could be completely off the mark - that was just my initial thought when reading!

Cross posted with Sassybooklover 🤣

As one of my kids is in a gay relationship and everyone knows, I don't think it would be an issue!
All I can say is I am happier now that I don't think it is something obvious I have been missing, and that you lot think it is a bit odd too.

This.
Her behaviour is very very odd and yours is very very normal.

I don't find it unusual the a middle aged woman's
Son has no interest in speaking to or hanging out with her mates of the same age group.

Maybe you think he's sweet and polite, but he's a young lad who has other things to do with his life. Well, you'd hope so.

Unless his mum is really controlling and doesn't want him talking to you and your kids? Does she think you'd be a bad influence? That you'd try and flirt with him? I can't imagine she'd think that unless she thinks it about everyone who tries to speak to him.

Either way does it really matter if you don't really have a friendship with her son?

Given you describe yourself as being like an aunty to him I can only think of two scenarios:

One, that she’s told a lie, about herself, or you, and she’s worried him talking to you will catch her lie out.
Or two, he’s previous talked very favourably about you and as he’s her only child she feels threatened about “losing” him to you (perhaps he’s described you as a good mum/favourite aunty/said he enjoyed being with your kids, etc).