friend won't let me speak to her son

[mudinthelane]

I am not sure how I am meant to feel about this.

My very good friend, who I have known since school, has an adult son who is now 21. We used to go on holiday with our kids, so I have known him well until the age of about 10. She lives quite a distance from us, but she and I speak each week on zoom, and meet up a few times a year. However, she doesn't seem to want me to speak to her son.
He came to collect something for her from our house as he was passing, and organising that through her was really difficult, as she keep making excuses about why he couldn't/wouldn't want to do it. However, when he did come round, he was quite sweet, and I kicked myself for not encouraging him to stay for a cuppa and cake; I hadn't done it because she was adamant he would only pick the item up and leave.
On a recent weekend away, her son dropped her at the front door with all her bags. It was fortunate I was in, as they were at least an hour earlier than expected; he had gone by the time I had answered the door, even though he had just done a 4 hour drive and of course I would have offered a cuppa/snack etc (in fact, I had offered that he join us for a meal but that had been declined in advance). He also collected her from our house afterwards. She went straight up the loo when we arrived, and he had arrived at the same time. I invited him in; we were sitting in the garden having a chat about our trip and what he was up to. When she came down we were mid-conversation; she walked into the garden and then back into the house without a word or pause, and even her son said, 'Where are you off to, mum?' He followed her and she got him to load the car and they left.
She and I are good friends; she has no family to speak of, and he is an only child. I feel rather like an aunt towards him, as I do with all of my good friend's children. My own kids just muck in (whether they like it or not, they know it is expected of them!!). Can anyone give a different perspective for what is going on? I am a bit hurt, I suppose, and probably behaved like I was rather narked, which I shouldn't have, I know.

Yep - she’s got a secret. And he doesn’t know it is a secret so will give it a way with:-

“Yes - I’m in a house this year at Bristol which is really useful as it means I have somewhere to live year round now mum has moved in with the lion tamer. My cat allergy has been ever so problematic!”

"Friend pollution". She doesn't want you two talking, because she has told him things about you or vice versa, and doesn't want it getting back to the other one. OR she's a compulsive liar, and doesn't want to be found out in the course of normal conversation. Or something similar.

Her being cagey while on the phone in case he hears, and not wanting you and him to really be around each other, maybe she is a victim of parental abuse?

Since he's an only child with no other family, I think for whatever weird reason she doesn't want to entertain the possibility of him getting close to anyone else. Is his dad on the scene?

One never knows what goes on behind closed doors, does one? I don't want to think the worst, but I am short of explanations.
His dad is not on the scene, and hasn't been for years.
I have another friend who has an only child, and a tiny extended family. She encourages her daughter to be in touch, and my kids refer to her as their cousin, even though they are not related. I think she regards it almost as an insurance policy (in the nicest way), as my family will be there for her daughter if anything happens to her. Perhaps the stark contrast is something that is making the scenario with my friend's son seem a bit out of proportion.

Also, loving the idea of my friend with a lion-tamer! How excellent would that be?

Yeah something weird is going on with your friend. I have many, many friends with kids around the same age who we’ve all ‘grown up with’ and they would actually be very upset if their 21 year olds wouldn’t stand in the garden to say hi to Auntie ElderSmurf for five minutes. It’s very rude (though I’m not blaming him, I think it’s def something weird with her).

Agree with other posters that it could be she’s worried her son might say something to you about her, himself, or someone else you both know. Or you say something to him. That she doesn’t want one of you to know and/or has lied about.

Or she is a weirdo who doesn’t want any other motherly/auntie figures in her son’s life.

In the nicest possible way, he doesn’t want to sit and chill out with a 50 year old.

He’s probably too nice to make excuses to leave and so his mum makes sure he’s not put in a position where he can’t say no.

I'd assume she's worried he's going to drop her in it about something or embarrass her in some way.

Her behaviour is so weird that she's embarrassing herself, though!

He is an only child to a single mother who has no other family?

There is your reason.

She has put him in the role of "partner". Its not uncommon for a parent to expect a child to provide the companionship and attention that would usually come from a romantic partner. Suspect that she is gatekeeping him as he is "hers" in the same way that some women totally fly off the handle at their husbands talking to any other woman but her.

Suspect she will be a monster in law when he starts a relationship.

He wasnt chilling out with her, he was taking a break after a long drive and chatting with his host, which is only polite.

Her refusing to even allow them to exchange a word is weird, plain and simple.

Extremely bizarre behaviour but almost certainly nothing to do with you, I would think. What a strange woman.

Ask her?

And he’s probably told his mum that he doesn’t want to stay and chat too long which is why his mum made an excuse for him to leave.

OP said that before then he’d literally dropped her off and was gone before OP could answer the door.

I don’t think it’s the mum not wanting him to stay, it’s him and the mum is just helping him.

It’s not offensive to the OP. He could just be a bit shy or he’s busy and doesn’t want to hang around his mum and her friends for any longer than he needs to.

Not hanging around is ok, but a quick, 'Hi, nice to see you, must dash as I need to be in x by 6pm' seems reasonable, rather than abandoning your mum on the doorstep of someone who may or may not be in. Am I expecting too much from a young adult? Oooh, the youth of today! (Now I am sounding old!)

When I did ask, in a not-very-direct way, she became very defensive.

Agree . Your friend is hiding something. It’s the only explanation.

But he did though. He chatted amiably with OP until her friend distracted him with loading the car. He’s 21 not a child.

This is triggering for me, as I have a 50yo school friend (ie I am 50 too!) - she has appointed herself quasi-godmother for my young son (and seems to be very manipulative about engineering meet-ups when I’m not there) but bends over backwards to avoid me seeing her two late teen children.

I’m a widow with an only child, so should welcome her presence - but now whenever I see her, my gut is shouting “Red flag! Red flag!” and I don’t really know why, apart from the fact that so often she seems to leach passive aggressive hostility towards me

Sigh. No intimacy without conflict, as they say.

But a 50 year old to a 21 year old might as well be 100 years old.

He’s being polite but doesn’t want to stay and chat too long, which is why sometimes he just drops his mum off and goes.

Its nothing against OP but I know the last thing I want to do is spend too long with my mums friends and I’m not very good at making an excuse to leave.

Some people are just a bit socially awkward.

There's nowt so queer as folk. She is a good friend, and is a different person when it is her and me/her and our other friends. There is obviously something going on in her head that is a bit hard to understand at the moment. They do spend a lot of time together, it is just her and him, so maybe it is that he has sort of taken on the role of partner in her head.

I feel it is ok not to chat too long; I had just had a 3 1/2 hour drive too, so didn't need to entertain either. If I was trying to rescue my child from a situation, I would not just walk in and walk out and expect them to follow me, but have a moment's chat then say, 'Well, we better be off, long drive ahead etc etc'.

I don’t think that matters… my DM has a friend who kept avoiding her suddenly, then finally admitted her DD was getting divorced. This friend of DM has form for being a drama queen and a bit old fashioned.

my mum was perplexed as she has 2 divorced DC’s and doesn’t think it’s an issue. 🤷‍♀️

Maybe she's made up some things about him (e.g. that he is very shy and feels awkward, certain achievements), and she's worried that you'll find out what's he's actually like and what's going on in his life?

Fwiw my mum thinks I've never gone past the teenage aloof/shyness phase and still tells people I'm shy, 20 years after I've moved out 🙄