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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Shaking after "incident" at in laws. Kind words and practical tips needed please

65 replies

onepieceoflollipop · 25/05/2008 18:10

Relations with my ils (esp mil) have always been somewhat tense. Any of my rl friends that know her feel she is a snob. She is also quite a "cold" person in terms of emotions. I understand she had a difficult relationship with her own mum and mil, and somehow it seems as if it is her time for payback.

There have been various issues over the years. Just one or two examples, at Christmas dh was very unwell with (real not man) flu as was dd1. Mil was furious that we couldn't visit their home and slammed the phone down in temper. On Mothers' Day she was angry that we declined to go for tea (although did offer to see her in the morning). When my dh took a card and present round she told him to get fd.

They live locally but are very houseproud and find it difficult to deal with the behaviour of their gcs, my dd1 who is 4 and their other gd who is 6. Every visit is fraught. They cringe when the children go near their (numerous) occasional tables and ornaments.

The children are expected to be seen and not heard, while mil tells us all the wonderful things she is doing for the church and shows no interest in our lives.

Today dd1 and dh's niece were playing. Quite lively tbh but not unusually so. A table got knocked very slightly, spilling a few drops of water. Fil leapt up and shouted loudly making everyone jump. Dh replied (calmly and mildly) that there was no need for the drama, all was ok. Fil kept ranting that the table had been knocked over.

I stood up and said very calmly that I felt we should leave as they quite clearly found their gc's behaviour inconvenient and stressful. Fil tried to grab me and said not to go, but kept justifying the shouting saying that it had tipped over. I asked him to take his hands off me and stop lying about what had happened.

Dh backed me up (not happy though) and left with me. Mil smirked and said "yes go, I have managed to stay calm all afternoon but you should go now" I think she has been waiting for months for a reaction from me tbh.

OP posts:
edam · 25/05/2008 18:13

What a pair of twonks. Don't go again. No-one's getting anything positive out of these visits, are they? Doesn't sound as if dd will miss them if all they do is wait for an opportunity to shout at her.

If dh wants to go and see them, let him. But without you and dd.

cornsilk · 25/05/2008 18:14

It's their loss really.

justaboutconscious · 25/05/2008 18:15

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onepieceoflollipop · 25/05/2008 18:17

edam that's what I wanted to hear.

I really don't want to come between dh and his parents. When it is crunch time (like today) he rightfully backs me up.

A rl friend said to me that making people welcome is more than inviting them round. In their environment she/they have made it crystal clear that we (well the dds especially) are not welcome.

When they had a new bathroom carpet fitted they made a point of asking us to be careful. I get stressed if dd needs the toilet - what if a bit of wee got on the carpet? Ditto if she has a drink.

OP posts:
NotABanana · 25/05/2008 18:17

OFH! What is wrong with some people. They should bloody well enjoy the fact that they have grandchildren and family who visit them. My Nan would love to have water spilt everywhere by her grandchildren but can't as she is cold in her grave.

Take no bloody notice of her anymore and just don't bother with her. I am sure your children will not miss out.

justaboutconscious · 25/05/2008 18:19

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onepieceoflollipop · 25/05/2008 18:20

Oh yes she is passive aggressive.

The trouble is I have never been good enough. I was married (many years before meeting dh) and they were a bit

We had a (planned) honeymoon and much wanted baby - dd1 - apparently that wasn't appropriate either.

After our wedding my lovely mum had a conversation with mil about whether they might wear their wedding outfits in the future. Mil had quite an "exotic" outfit, my mum looked fab but it was a little less ostentatious. Mil sneered and said "oh well you could just wear yours to go shopping"

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brimfull · 25/05/2008 18:20

I feel for your dh growing up with these people.

They are loons,I would await an apology before going there again.

onepieceoflollipop · 25/05/2008 18:22

NAB - my wonderful grandad (other side of family) passed away 11 months before we had dd. I know for a fact he would have been instigating jumping in puddles and causing mayhem in the house, not shouting about a few drops of water.

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justaboutconscious · 25/05/2008 18:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

onepieceoflollipop · 25/05/2008 18:24

Things reached a head after the events of Christmas to the extent that dh actually barred her from dd1's birthday party in January.

We had a very grudging "sort of" apology and she managed to wangle a re-invitation and I had hoped that after we took that stand she/they would have realised that we can't/won't put up with much more crap.

OP posts:
WallOfSilence · 25/05/2008 18:24

She sounds like a nightmare.

You did the right thing by leaving though.

Do they ever visit you in your home? If they do, do they show more interest in the dds then?

justaboutconscious · 25/05/2008 18:25

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BarkyTheDog · 25/05/2008 18:25

I would expect an apology from them before seeing them again.

They sound perfectly vile.

onepieceoflollipop · 25/05/2008 18:25

justaboutconscious you give good advice, thanks.

Off to do bedtime and bathtime etc then wine time

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BarkyTheDog · 25/05/2008 18:26

Hmm. I wouldn't go to her home again actually. You are so obviously not welcome there.

TheProvincialLady · 25/05/2008 18:26

Leave your DH to have his own relationship with his parents, but don't allow them (or anyone) to treat you or your DC like this. Don't take the children to their house, which is obviously more important to them than their grandchildren. If you meet in neutral territory and they still behave like this, stop seeing them.

SmugColditz · 25/05/2008 18:28

You could sigh wistfully and exclaim "Oh I wish I was brave enough to be as rude to people as you are..."

VaginaShmergina · 25/05/2008 18:28

Oh dear sounds all too familiar to me.

Completely agree with justaboutconscious.

If she is such a prissy woman its a miracle your DH was ever created isn't it

You have donefor this length of time to haveheld your tongue.

Good on your DH for supporting you, even though he may not have been comfortable with leaving he stood by you and that will show unity to MIL, whichis probably a bloody good kick up the arse.

Will let you know when my ice queen MIL is up next time and perhaps they could meet up !!!

Mine moan they dont see the kids enough. They live 235 miles away (Yipee) however, she does not work and he does I think to get away from her. He had a week off last week, my DH called end of week and found out they had been off and said why did you not come up it would have been great to see you, they replied they had stuff to do like choose a new carpet

onepieceoflollipop · 25/05/2008 18:28

WOS visits here are fraught as well as she casts her eye over everything. My rl friends think I am a bit of an "Anthea Turner" but my house is not a show home of course. It is perfectly clean and tidy but not to her standards.

At Christmas (before dh and dd were ill) she arrived here spoiling for a fight, and of course unless we chuck her out (!) she/they stay as long as they want, potentially taking offence for longer and at more things.

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WallOfSilence · 25/05/2008 18:29

My dad once yelled at my ds for pulling a cement bird out of his bird water drinker thingy (I'm sure it has a proper name) My ds is 3 & stood there like a lamb with his finger in his mouth trying not to cry... I, however, burst out crying looking at him & picked him up, pushed past my dad, calling him a hateful bastard....

It actually turned out that the bird was not broken, it was mounted on a long iron pole & could be removed from the table....

He called me that evening saying my brother's dd had 'broken' it before & not to worry... I was able to tell him how hurt I was when I saw ds's face trying not to cry, reminded me of trying not to cry when he scolded me

Your ILs sound like people best avoided!

onepieceoflollipop · 25/05/2008 18:29

VS my mil kept her nightie on and shut her eyes I think when they "did it"

You are all making me feel much better thanks.

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VaginaShmergina · 25/05/2008 18:35

I dont even think they did "it" I think she used a turkey baster, thats why she hates Christmas

No offence to DH btw

WendyWeber · 25/05/2008 18:37

If they don't like the gc coming to their house because things get touched, and they don't like coming to your house because it's not immaculate , I think your DH should suggest that from now on you will only meet up with them - very occasionally - in a child-friendly restaurant or a park.

SaintGeorgeasaurus · 25/05/2008 18:40

Sounds a lot like my late FIL and his hatred dislike of children. I got to the point that I refused to visit, DH took the kids on his own. Given the opportunity, DS1 would opt to stay with me.

My boys have lost both their grandads now, before he was 2 in DS2's case.

They have glorious memories of my dad, happy days splashing and playing, painting, riding on his back etc etc.

Their memories of FIL? Nothing other than their name for him - 'Grandad NO!'. Says it all really.

Leave your ILs to their strange ways, they will be the losers.