Shaking after "incident" at in laws. Kind words and practical tips needed please

[onepieceoflollipop]

Relations with my ils (esp mil) have always been somewhat tense. Any of my rl friends that know her feel she is a snob. She is also quite a "cold" person in terms of emotions. I understand she had a difficult relationship with her own mum and mil, and somehow it seems as if it is her time for payback.

There have been various issues over the years. Just one or two examples, at Christmas dh was very unwell with (real not man) flu as was dd1. Mil was furious that we couldn't visit their home and slammed the phone down in temper. On Mothers' Day she was angry that we declined to go for tea (although did offer to see her in the morning). When my dh took a card and present round she told him to get fd.

They live locally but are very houseproud and find it difficult to deal with the behaviour of their gcs, my dd1 who is 4 and their other gd who is 6. Every visit is fraught. They cringe when the children go near their (numerous) occasional tables and ornaments.

The children are expected to be seen and not heard, while mil tells us all the wonderful things she is doing for the church and shows no interest in our lives.

Today dd1 and dh's niece were playing. Quite lively tbh but not unusually so. A table got knocked very slightly, spilling a few drops of water. Fil leapt up and shouted loudly making everyone jump. Dh replied (calmly and mildly) that there was no need for the drama, all was ok. Fil kept ranting that the table had been knocked over.

I stood up and said very calmly that I felt we should leave as they quite clearly found their gc's behaviour inconvenient and stressful. Fil tried to grab me and said not to go, but kept justifying the shouting saying that it had tipped over. I asked him to take his hands off me and stop lying about what had happened.

Dh backed me up (not happy though) and left with me. Mil smirked and said "yes go, I have managed to stay calm all afternoon but you should go now" I think she has been waiting for months for a reaction from me tbh.

personally I just wouldn't go there again.
Why do something that makes you and the kids stressed. If the want to see you dh and Dcs then they can come over to your house where it's not an issue if something gets knocked. And I would tell her exactly that as well.
She sounds quite controlling and seems to be getting the attention by silly rude tantrum like behaviour.. I therefore feel this needs to be ignored as you would a toddler! She'll get the message. I'm not saying don't see her, just be on your own territory and ignor the out bursts.

I hope their occassional tables and ornaments can visit them when they are in a nursing home.

Sorry if that sounds harsh.

Grandad No, that is so sad.

I have no advice, just can't get past the carpet in the bathroom thing.

Why would anyone have a carpet in a bathroom??

Isn't it Barky?

Luckily, they have built a fantastic relationship with my MIL now that FIL isn't around to interfere.

Be a little careful here.

Your children could be losing their grandparents - and that is a big step.

Try to make sure your dh continues to see his parents - with the dcs in tow. But there is no reason for you to go given the amount of stress you feel! I wouldn't go either but IMO it shouldn't be "all the family or none" - you dh should still see his parents without you.

Otherwise you will be forever known as the dil who stopped them from seeing their grandchildren - and from their point of view that would be accurate - even though no-one would blame you for not going!

Unless the children are weeping and wailing at MILs house I would let them contniue to meet. It's your stress not theirs (I hope).

No offence taken VS.

I had a beautiful vision of me ringing my mil and saying "my friend VaginaSchmergina who I met on the internet says that you must have used a turkey baster" ROFL loads.

To those who have suggested a neutral venue - we met at the park a couple of weeks ago. It rained (I know, dreadful hey!)

Ils rushed home to avoid getting wet, thankfully mil's hair didn't suffer too badly. Fil arrived in car (park 2 mins walk from their house) and took offence that we wouldn't get in with no child restraints. "but what about your hair?" he kept saying. I explained politely that afaik we have waterproof skin and hair.

Anyway, does this sound reasonable:

I think that dh should do what he feels fit in terms of His parents and whether Our children see them. I am prepared for them (dds and dh) to see the ils, but probably not in their home as there is a risk of shouting and bad temper on their part as small mishaps will always happen when dcs are around. Personally I am not inclined to see them. If I had a spontaneous, genuine apology then I may reconsider (oooh anyone else see that little pink thing fly by just then?)

Thanks all so much for your replies and wisdom.

Sylvie as we left today, fil was heard to be saying loudly "but it is an antique table" - oh sorry I didn't realise, that makes shouting all right then?

jac thanks again I intend to stay fairly quiet and in the background, which is kind of what I have been doing. Something (last strawish) about today just tipped me right over the edge.

As my rl bf said it has been brewing for months/years, she said jokingly that she would have only done one thing differently and that would have been to punch mil on way out.

Would it help if your DH spoke to them and explained how they make things difficult when you visit?

Would it help if they came to you, rather than you to them? That way, they might be more relaxed.

I think they sound very difficult, but on the other hand- and this is NOT excusing them at all- I can just about see how older people might be very twitchy when young kids are running around or possibly going to do some damage in their house- simply cos they aren't used to that any more. I am NOT condoning their behaviour at all-people are more important than possessions any day - but I am trying to see it from both sides.

It sounds like this was the straw that broke the camel's back and now some -renegotiation is needed- but i think your DH is the one to do it.

Hope you feel better- family rows are horrible,but they will blow over.

Just wanted too send a bit of sympathy!

I too have major problems with my IL's, not a house insanity proud issue but something which means the terms of my DS seeing his Grandmother make it very stressful/difficult for me and my DP.

I definately agree with mnny of the previous posters, it is important that you are not seen to the one who has cut off contact between DC's and Grandparents, but there are more than one way to skin the proverbial cat!

I believe that soem people, for probably a multitude of psycholgical reasons manage to continue through life playing out really unhealthy and damaging ways of being, when others don't engage with that they often 'up the ante' or go on the defense.

There may be some difficult times ahead when your Dc's grandparents realise you are not playing their game but ultimately if they want to maintain contact with all of you they must learn to be more reasonable!

Meeting on 'neutral' territry sounds like a really good strategy, although you may find they are reluctant to do this as they feel more secure/in control in their own environment.

All the best

hls yes dh will do it (again)

We have been here many times before. He waits for a short "cooling off period" then pops round to try and clear the air.

They tend to take the hump/act all innocent/pretend there is not an issue when clearly there is.

Last time he did it they didn't even offer him a coffee despite them knowing he had gone round straight after the girls had gone to bed and we hadn't had our dinner.

I can understand your point about older people. If I try to calm dd down, and I do tbh - e.g take out of room for a short while, they then interfere intervene saying things like "oh leave her she is only little only playing etc etc". Then 5 mins later mil is pulling disapproving faces and fil is shouting and telling her off in quite an aggressive manner.

poor you- and poor them.

Maybe the answer is to keep the visits VERY short, on neutral territory if poss or at yours- and make a joke about your house not being as clean as hers.

Don't know what this MIL is like at all, but maybe you could say half jokingly "If that's your attitude, we won't be coming/seeing you very much at all" with a light tone- but mean it as well?

I also think it is sometimes a good idea to write a letter to people over stuff- it means they can read it in their own time and you can put stuff down in an unemotional way- don't know if that would be appropriate here,but it's just a thought.

Good luck!

So it always ends up with your DH making the first move to reconcile then? Why?

Colditz gives good advice!
We have carpet tiles in our downstairs bathroom - can be taken out and scrubbed and dirt cheap (well, actually, they were free)

LittleBella because they are immature and unreasonable (imo)

If I was dh I would probably say "stuff you" or worse and leave it. He won't, I'm not sure why. That is up to him thought and as he is my dh I support him in what he feels to be right, even tho' I disagree on this one.

Ultimately my dh has to do what feels right with his parents, and I don't want to add to the pressure by giving him an ultimatum. The bottom line is when it comes to the crunch he "chooses" me (iykwim) which is how it should be, but at the same time at the moment he can't/won't sever all contact. So today he was put in a v difficult position when I said we were leaving, but as I am his dw he left with me and only disclosed later he didn't want to.

Imo if someone's dp/dh "sides" with their own parents in very difficult situations like this then you are fd stuffed.

I expect (and get) loyalty from my dh.

God, poor you.
My MIL is awful and rude to me too. They visit rarely (another one over 200 miles away) and we have come to the point that i just leave the house and leave Dh and the children to it. Then I cannot be accused of being rude or keeping their grandchildren from them.
I got my birthday present from her earlier this month (a hideous picnic rucksack complete with melamine plates and diddy little forks, a complete 70's throwback) my birthday was in January

Ah he sounds like a good loyal DH. And they sound like nightmare parents. Does he feel bad about them being mental and feel guilty about siding with you, or does he accept that they're mental and not mind too much?

SpookyMM I wish mine were 200 instead of 2 miles away.

I think we may end up with similar visiting arrrangements to yours.

LittleBella he is a fab dh but also wants to be a good ds to them as well. I think he is gradually realising how badly they are behaving. Tonight we had a calm discussion and I asked him how he would feel if my parents suddenly shouted at the dds and my mum made really nasty snide comments to him. He immediately said he would think they were out of order

I think people get used to their own parents and only when someone else is involved (eg dil) things change and they realise that their parents aren't just a little difficult but actually very unreasonable.