Shaking after "incident" at in laws. Kind words and practical tips needed please

[onepieceoflollipop]

Relations with my ils (esp mil) have always been somewhat tense. Any of my rl friends that know her feel she is a snob. She is also quite a "cold" person in terms of emotions. I understand she had a difficult relationship with her own mum and mil, and somehow it seems as if it is her time for payback.

There have been various issues over the years. Just one or two examples, at Christmas dh was very unwell with (real not man) flu as was dd1. Mil was furious that we couldn't visit their home and slammed the phone down in temper. On Mothers' Day she was angry that we declined to go for tea (although did offer to see her in the morning). When my dh took a card and present round she told him to get fd.

They live locally but are very houseproud and find it difficult to deal with the behaviour of their gcs, my dd1 who is 4 and their other gd who is 6. Every visit is fraught. They cringe when the children go near their (numerous) occasional tables and ornaments.

The children are expected to be seen and not heard, while mil tells us all the wonderful things she is doing for the church and shows no interest in our lives.

Today dd1 and dh's niece were playing. Quite lively tbh but not unusually so. A table got knocked very slightly, spilling a few drops of water. Fil leapt up and shouted loudly making everyone jump. Dh replied (calmly and mildly) that there was no need for the drama, all was ok. Fil kept ranting that the table had been knocked over.

I stood up and said very calmly that I felt we should leave as they quite clearly found their gc's behaviour inconvenient and stressful. Fil tried to grab me and said not to go, but kept justifying the shouting saying that it had tipped over. I asked him to take his hands off me and stop lying about what had happened.

Dh backed me up (not happy though) and left with me. Mil smirked and said "yes go, I have managed to stay calm all afternoon but you should go now" I think she has been waiting for months for a reaction from me tbh.

You have my sympathy; I have nightmare ILs too and to a certain extent a nightmare husband- we've had so many tantrums from the ILs over the 14+ years we've been together, he's now scared of his parents and won't stand up for us. I've put up with being ignored as well as the tantrums, and always swept it all "under the rug" (with no apologies from them) for DHs sake. But 15 months ago DH said (during a row about a visit from his parents), "husbands and wives don't stick up for each other if it's going to upset family". After that, I quit. I no longer visit.
So now, DH can do what he likes with his parents. Our eldest 2DDs (our 3 are the only grandchildren the ILs have got, aged 8, 5 and 2), decide for themselves whether they want to go. I give them the choice but quite often now because I don't go, they don't want to go either. They've picked up on the fact that they're not wanted if they visit (they're getting in the way because DH has to have his attention on them, rather than his parents), and also picked up on the atmosphere that there is whenever the ILs visit us. Like you, I don't want to be accused of being the "evilDIL" who has split everyone up. The arrangement works for me (I couldn't care less now what DH thinks!) and is similar to what you're suggesting. Leave the visiting up to your DH now and let him decide (if the children are old enough, let them decide) what happens as to whether the children go with him.

I wouldn't want my DH to take my small children to visit people like your in-laws actually.

My mum didn't speak to my dads parents and we were made to go and visit them with my dad and it was awful

My dad was such a bloody wuss that my gp's would bitch about my mum when my db and i were there. It was awful hearing really nasty and mean things being said about my mum and worse was my dad not defending her. It made us lose all respect for my dad and i hated going there.

I wold allow them to visit you at home if they can behave. It was very damaging to hear all that stuff as a little child. I would never put my own dc through that.

I don't think it's reasonable to expect your dh to be 100% loyal to you and ignore his parents!

Even if they are the worst parents in the world he'll still have some sort of relationship with them.

IMO when in the future I am someones MIL and perhaps it all goes horribly wrong due to personality clashes I would expect my dc to keep up some sort of relationship with me.

But you can politely bow out and leave dh to it. He is not betraying you by seeing them - just doing what a son should do in his opinion.

I think that dh may have to take the dds separately to see them as they offer no practical help (that is just the way it is, I am not saying they should but I do feel it is better if gps do offer a hand occasionally)

So regardless of venue, they expect to have dh's full attention without any disturbances from the dds. This is impossible with a 4 year old and 9 month old. At the same time as giving his parents his undivided attention, he has to make jolly sure that the children are quiet, sitting nicely and not about to shout/drop crumbs/request the toilet etc.

When dd2 was small and my mum was here, she offered 3 times to hand dd2 over to mil for cuddles. Mil firmly declined because dd2 was a "possetty"/sicky baby and she didn't want to risk baby sick on her frilly blouse.

All very sad.

petunia sorry to hear about your situation. I imagine that in the near future my dd1 may well opt to stay with me (or go out with me if ils visit here)

Update this morning. fil rang this morning, not to apologies (oh no) but to continue his rant that the table had been knocked over (a lie). dh remained extremely calm, and suggested that the children were more precious than furniture, but perhaps if the table was so precious it should be locked away. Bizarre call - in the end dh thanked him politely for ringing.

Your DH sounds very controlled! Do you think he needs to up the anti a bit to get through to his family?

Perhaps he does need to up the anti hls. But tbh they seem to "get off" on the drama (well mil does) and I think it just brings us down to their level if we pander to that and behave like teenagers.

I honestly think that they view us as naughty children. Fil is particularly chauvinistic and controlling in his own home. I expect he rang this morning expecting that dh ought to apologise.

By nature my dh can be quite impatient and speak without thinking, but with his parents he is so on his guard and cautious. That to me is the sign of an unhealthy relationship, ideally with your own parents you should be more relaxed and not have to watch your mouth the whole time.

There is a difference between being aggressive and being assertive. Perhaps he could say the same things, but in a more forceful, open manner?

Hard to know without being a fly on the wall!

It sounds as if this is a pattern of behaviour that has become established between two parties,over many years, ( before kids) with both knowing full well how the other will react-maybe he needs to "surprise" them in some way!
I can see that if he is confrontational it will feed his father's attitude and not help- but there must be another tack he could take with them.

Hope you find a way to get it sorted!

Thanks hls.

We are having a "cooling off" period for a few days and then will consider the way forward.

for you onepieceoflollipop.

We have not seen my DH's mother for five years now.

The DC's don't even remember her - they were nearly 6 and 3 at the time.

After an incident at her house she told DH never to go again and not to take the DC's back either.

She smacked DS2 for being giddy (I was there and he had done nothing wrong). DH called a couple of days later on his way home from work and gently brought it into the conversation and asked her to leave the disciplin to us. That is when she threw him out.

According to DH she was a viscious bitch all his life and he can do without that.

Smacked your ds and

See this is one of the reasons we need to deal with it. Fil's temper is quite volatile and he clearly has issues with the way we discipline the children - well dd1, dd2 is too little yet.

He shouts and yells at the trivial little things, and gets very nasty. He does apologise (sometimes) in a vague and not very believable way.

fwiw most of my rl friends think I am too strict with dd1. Clearly the ils don't share this view. She is a lively little girl and I do insist on good behaviour but she is no angel and neither am I. We choose not to smack our children, but even if we did I would not put up with the gps doing so.

A couple of weeks later we received a letter from 3 of DH's sisters saying that we should apologise to MIL as we had labelled her a child beater .

DH wrote back and said we had nothing to apologise for.

MIL thinks that the sun shines out of all their backsides and DH was never top of the list for love and affection. (He is the oldest child then MIL had four girls).

Hmmm bellavita, interesting you should bring that issue up about your dh being the only son.

Dh is the 2nd of 2 brothers, various comments would suggest that mil really wanted girls. Dh's brother (and his dd) are clearly the "favourites".

Then we went and had 2 little girls as well (gorgeous even though I say so myself).

She demonstrates jealousy in many areas of her life, but so sad she can't enjoy her three gorgeous gds equally.

What ghastly people. Poor you. Neutral spaces the way to go though they'll probably find something to complain about there too.
Sympathy.

Yes neutral venues are best I agree nkf. There is usually some hiccup/difficulty but less stressful than at home I think.

A whole catalogue of disasters we have had in restaurants (they do love to complain, mil's meal once arrived literally a moment or two after everyone else's once and she said in a very cutting manner to the waitress "I would like to have my food at the same time as everyone else") I felt like going after the waitress to apologise.

Also if the weather is bad at an outdoor venue it is sure to be my fault! She is just a cow I think. (apologies to all cows btw)

I really hope you can get this sorted one way or another.

For a long time after our incident it felt like I had a huge black cloud hanging over me.

At the time it happened, 3 of the sisters I talk about had no children (2 of them don't want any), they never made any effort with my boys, if they knew we were visiting MIL say at 3.00pm they would leave 10 mins before. One of the other sisters has gone on to have two children and I know (from the sister that lives abroad who we keep in touch with a couple of times a year) that MIL and others are all over these children and lavish them with presents not just at christmas and birthdays but all the time.

Mine did not even get a kiss and a cuddle, they did get birthday money and christmas presents but nothing else.

I am for my boys that they will not get to know their cousins, but MIL made it quite clear on that day what her wishes were.