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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What an absolute mess

75 replies

Rowyourboat2 · 05/07/2025 08:40

I think I know the answer myself, but it always helps to hear others opinions when your mentally feeling rubbish.

Im feeling really low anyway having just lost a grandparent, but things have worsened this week.

Myself and my partner are on a break presently.
My stepdaughter has been telling lots of lies, and they’ve worsened in severity recently. I’d had the conversation with my partner about the fact that I was concerned that these lies could expand to something about myself or my 3 sons (I have social care background) so I’m slightly more aware than some about how damaging allegations can be.

To add a little more context, we had an argument a fortnight ago, whereby he was in drink and he’d shouted very loudly at my youngest child, he was adamant my child had tried to punch his daughter (he’s 7 & she’s 9). He not only shouted at my son, he said something along the lines of “if you do it to her I’ll do it to you” to which my son burst into tears and I removed him from the situation immediately, informing him he is not to speak to my child like that ever again.
My partner decided to leave the house that night with his child and whilst he was packing a bag, I tried calming him down but he grabbed my hair. Off he went, and sent me a text message advising me house was “going to be turned over” so I instantly logged this with the police, They closed it but did refer to social care who want to speak to my boys, and his daughter and then it’ll likely be closed…depending on their judgement. Now at this stage, social care believed he was still with me, as I’d confirmed he was however….

My partner then received a message from his ex stating that his daughter has informed her (over the course of several months it seems) that we have been “battering each other”, arguing a lot, he’s reportedly had to pack a bag on more than one occasion, and I believe drink & drugs were mentioned too (on his behalf not mine). Shes denied any future contact, reported him to social care & advised if he wants contact, he needs to take her to court.

Now I know my partner has a history of drug use (prior to us) and he has drunk drove before, with his child in the car, so she isn’t lying on that one. But he most certainly has not hit me nor have I raised a hand either.

My concern is this…if social care put his child on a plan, and he is still with me, my children are going to be placed on one aren’t they? My gut is telling me to end this now (tho we are on a break) and part of me doesn’t want to but I feel like if I don’t, I’m not putting my children first.

Does anyone have any experience in this area?

OP posts:
AWanderingFool · 05/07/2025 08:43

You need to ditch this man permanently, OP, and ignore the part of you that doesn't want to.

You need to prioritise your children above anything else. And the first step towards doing that is to remove them and you from the toxic situation that is your relationship.

Nickisli1 · 05/07/2025 08:44

No experience, but i think you need to end the relationship immediately. I think you know that though

SlightlyTooMuch · 05/07/2025 08:48

OP, you have incredibly poor judgement and worrisomely lax boundaries. When a grown man shouts at your seven year old and threatens to punch him, that’s when you throw him permanently out of the house. Not some nonsense about being ‘on a break’, or worrying about what SS might do, as if they’re a replacement for your own parental judgement.

RealEagle · 05/07/2025 08:50

You are not putting you’re children first if you have him back

FortyElephants · 05/07/2025 08:52

Why do you want to still be with him?

Onthemaintrunkline · 05/07/2025 08:52

This relationship needs to be on a permanent break! It sounds like one hot mess and to have children living amongst it, totally unacceptable.

MellowPinkDeer · 05/07/2025 08:55

Why on earth do you want to be in this horrible relationship? Seriously. Get a grip and get him out of your life

Hadalifeonce · 05/07/2025 08:56

He has raised his hand though. You stated that he grabbed your hair. That is assault.
You need to get this toxic man out of your life, and more importantly, out of your DC's life.

Richandstrange · 05/07/2025 08:58

Yes SS will likely become involved with your DC too if you stay with him, also you say he's never raised a hand but he grabbed your hair when you were trying to calm him down which indicates this is in fact becoming physical. For those two reasons alone you would be a fool to continue in this relationship OP, please run before you get in any deeper.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 05/07/2025 08:59

You need to run a million miles from him. You have a child and he has a child from previous relationships, do you have any shared children together?
But yes if you remain with him in any sort of relationship you risk any / all of your children being removed. Do not take that lightly.

winter8090 · 05/07/2025 09:03

I think you need to end this relationship. It sounds very destructive to you and your children.

its not fair to have your children grow up in this environment. Do better.

EllasNonny · 05/07/2025 09:03

Why the fuck are you inflicting this POS on your DC, rather than what ifs about his 9yo DD?

Chiconbelge · 05/07/2025 09:07

The thing that puzzles me about your story is that you are focussing on the elements of the story which are about “lies” and “allegations” rather than the truths that are the part of the story that you need to think about. The truths are: he shouted at your 7 year old son. He threatened to hit your son. Your son felt really upset about it. He grabbed your hair. You threw him out/he stormed out taking his child with him. He sent a message saying your house was going to be turned over. You were sufficiently worried that you called the police about the message. He has a history which includes putting his child at risk.

So his daughter’s “lies” are not really that far from the truth, are they? The above facts show that DSD’s mum has very good reason to be concerned about what’s gone on. It’s on him, not his daughter, that you may well hear from SS yourself. Spare a bit more compassion for the daughter too - she’s clearly been through a lot with him and how she’s acting doesn’t seem very surprising for a 9 year old girl. Imagine if you were the mum in this scenario (and remember that what you know about his past behaviour is quite likely the tip of the iceberg).

You know that women involved with dangerous men very often find themselves feeling unable to break away, there’s loads of reasons for it, but you also know that you need to shut the door on this man.

Anna20MFG · 05/07/2025 09:08

Your children will be placed on a social care plan because someone is living with who is violent towards you (grabbing your hair?!) and angry and aggressive towards them and you especially when drunk. What is your background that you imagi e any of this is remotely OK? The social care plan is a usually mostly futile attempt to protect your poor children because you won't.

If you think you know what to do, as you say in your first sentence, do it. His ex has acted to protect her daughter, why on earth are you not acting to protect your children?

TimeForABreak4 · 05/07/2025 09:09

Why the hell would you even be considering continuing this relationship! He's physically assaulted you, sounds like he's nasty if not abusive to your children. He's misusing alcohol around your children. They are seeing arguments. You now have social care and police involvement. You'd be a terrible mother quite frankly to get back with him.

Edited to add, how is him grabbing your hair not hitting you? Raise your bar, your deserve better and your children certainely do. His ex was right to protect her child and you should be doing the same for yours.

PersephonePomegranate · 05/07/2025 09:14

But he's not going to be with you, is he? Because he's a drunk, absuive, already hurt you and been cruel to your child. His daughter is most likely traumatised by this man and is acting out because of it.

Nobody would be so foolish and negligent to their own safety when they're a parent, we they? Not to mention the danger a man like this would pose to their children?

ClairDeLaLune · 05/07/2025 09:17

Good grief! Why on earth would you want to be in a relationship with this man? The moment he either shouted at my kid or raised a finger to me or made threats to my home it would be a permanent end. He did all 3.

Put your kids first and have some self-respect. Dump him.

Poonu · 05/07/2025 09:19

You went to willingly have an intimate relationship with someone who talks to your child like that.
Boundaries.
Self esteem.

Boilingtoday · 05/07/2025 09:21

He sounds like a horrible person. How could you ever trust him after he shouted at your child, grabbed your hair and threatened to turn over your home? You were scared enough to report it to the police. Why are you backtracking now? The whole thing is not fair on your children. Also are you sure you are not in denial about what his daughter said re the arguments etc?

Yes it does sound like an absolute mess.

SapphOhNo · 05/07/2025 09:25

If you allow him back you're contributing to the abuse of your children.

Prioritise them.

yeesh · 05/07/2025 09:28

Of course you are putting him above your children! He threatened to punch your 7 year old & physically assaulted you and yet you are still calling him your parter, what the fuck. Yes, social services will be involved if you stay with him as you are putting your children in danger.

aquashiv · 05/07/2025 09:30

Follow the example of his ex. Who no doubt has very good reason to act in this way.
No child is put on a care plan without good reason you seem very much in denial. Why are you saying his child is lying

TwistedWonder · 05/07/2025 09:33

JFC - why on earth did you bring this disgusting cretin into your DC’s home to start with? And the fact you’re even contemplating allowing him back after the way he’s behaved shows your boundaries are extremely poor and your bar is set so low it’s almost subterranean.

Put your son first and relive this creature from his life so he can have a childhood free from fear and abuse.

ChicaWowWow · 05/07/2025 09:37

Rowyourboat2 · 05/07/2025 08:40

I think I know the answer myself, but it always helps to hear others opinions when your mentally feeling rubbish.

Im feeling really low anyway having just lost a grandparent, but things have worsened this week.

Myself and my partner are on a break presently.
My stepdaughter has been telling lots of lies, and they’ve worsened in severity recently. I’d had the conversation with my partner about the fact that I was concerned that these lies could expand to something about myself or my 3 sons (I have social care background) so I’m slightly more aware than some about how damaging allegations can be.

To add a little more context, we had an argument a fortnight ago, whereby he was in drink and he’d shouted very loudly at my youngest child, he was adamant my child had tried to punch his daughter (he’s 7 & she’s 9). He not only shouted at my son, he said something along the lines of “if you do it to her I’ll do it to you” to which my son burst into tears and I removed him from the situation immediately, informing him he is not to speak to my child like that ever again.
My partner decided to leave the house that night with his child and whilst he was packing a bag, I tried calming him down but he grabbed my hair. Off he went, and sent me a text message advising me house was “going to be turned over” so I instantly logged this with the police, They closed it but did refer to social care who want to speak to my boys, and his daughter and then it’ll likely be closed…depending on their judgement. Now at this stage, social care believed he was still with me, as I’d confirmed he was however….

My partner then received a message from his ex stating that his daughter has informed her (over the course of several months it seems) that we have been “battering each other”, arguing a lot, he’s reportedly had to pack a bag on more than one occasion, and I believe drink & drugs were mentioned too (on his behalf not mine). Shes denied any future contact, reported him to social care & advised if he wants contact, he needs to take her to court.

Now I know my partner has a history of drug use (prior to us) and he has drunk drove before, with his child in the car, so she isn’t lying on that one. But he most certainly has not hit me nor have I raised a hand either.

My concern is this…if social care put his child on a plan, and he is still with me, my children are going to be placed on one aren’t they? My gut is telling me to end this now (tho we are on a break) and part of me doesn’t want to but I feel like if I don’t, I’m not putting my children first.

Does anyone have any experience in this area?

I don't know which part of you doesn't want to end this relationship. The completely delusional, unreasonable, detached from reality part, probably.

Eeehbyeck · 05/07/2025 09:44

Jesus this makes for tough reading, please for the love of god get your kids out of
that environment or someone else will. You will be responsible for causing them consistent trauma by keeping them in an unsafe and threatening home.
grow up and look after your kids