What an absolute mess

[Rowyourboat2]

I think I know the answer myself, but it always helps to hear others opinions when your mentally feeling rubbish.

Im feeling really low anyway having just lost a grandparent, but things have worsened this week.

Myself and my partner are on a break presently.
My stepdaughter has been telling lots of lies, and they’ve worsened in severity recently. I’d had the conversation with my partner about the fact that I was concerned that these lies could expand to something about myself or my 3 sons (I have social care background) so I’m slightly more aware than some about how damaging allegations can be.

To add a little more context, we had an argument a fortnight ago, whereby he was in drink and he’d shouted very loudly at my youngest child, he was adamant my child had tried to punch his daughter (he’s 7 & she’s 9). He not only shouted at my son, he said something along the lines of “if you do it to her I’ll do it to you” to which my son burst into tears and I removed him from the situation immediately, informing him he is not to speak to my child like that ever again.
My partner decided to leave the house that night with his child and whilst he was packing a bag, I tried calming him down but he grabbed my hair. Off he went, and sent me a text message advising me house was “going to be turned over” so I instantly logged this with the police, They closed it but did refer to social care who want to speak to my boys, and his daughter and then it’ll likely be closed…depending on their judgement. Now at this stage, social care believed he was still with me, as I’d confirmed he was however….

My partner then received a message from his ex stating that his daughter has informed her (over the course of several months it seems) that we have been “battering each other”, arguing a lot, he’s reportedly had to pack a bag on more than one occasion, and I believe drink & drugs were mentioned too (on his behalf not mine). Shes denied any future contact, reported him to social care & advised if he wants contact, he needs to take her to court.

Now I know my partner has a history of drug use (prior to us) and he has drunk drove before, with his child in the car, so she isn’t lying on that one. But he most certainly has not hit me nor have I raised a hand either.

My concern is this…if social care put his child on a plan, and he is still with me, my children are going to be placed on one aren’t they? My gut is telling me to end this now (tho we are on a break) and part of me doesn’t want to but I feel like if I don’t, I’m not putting my children first.

Does anyone have any experience in this area?

What’s wrong with you, @Rowyourboat2 - why in god’s name are you inflicting this violent, abusive deadbeat on your children??!!!!!

The moment a grown man starts yelling at my 7yro DC stating they will punch them, that is the end of my relationship and no going back. What normal person would do that to a small child.

Why the hell haven’t you ended it there and then with him OP. There should be no going back from this, especially given you already know he gets abusive whilst drunk, takes drugs and yet you’ve still let him around your child.

sorry to be blunt but, you’re not safeguarding your child and are raising them in a toxic environment from what you have described.

Your poor children, Jesus Christ.

I hope SS do get involved because you are absolutely incapable of adequately safeguarding your children.

If my partner, the father of my child, threatened to punch my child then the relationship would be over.

This man isn’t their father, you need never see him again ever yet you’re trying to work out ways to continue the relationship without social services finding out you aren’t prioritising your relationship.

You should be ashamed of yourself to be honest.

“I have social care background so am slightly more aware”

Really? Then what the fuck are you doing with this man in your house?

Well if a man threatens to punch your seven year old in the face, grabs you by the hair and threatens you badly enough that you call the police then yes SS should be involved and Step daughter’s mum sounds like she’s doing the right thing here.

The real question is though Op, why would you want you and your children to stay around this man, are you not all worth more than this?

How long have you been together?
Has he always been abusive?
Do you have a history of abusive relationships?

I’m sorry that you have lost a grandparent, I can only imagine hope that you aren’t thinking clearly.

Fuckinghell
Are your standards and boundaries really this low???

“finding out you aren’t prioritising your kids” that was meant to say obviously.

This. Raise your bar op, it’s scarily low at the moment if you think his behaviour is ok. It’s not. This relationship needs to end. Please put your kids first.

Please get rid for the sake of your kids, goodness me.

Exactly what I'm thinking. JFC

How are you even entertaining fhe idea of this!

Your poor kids 😩

I doubt his daughter will be placed on a plan as her mother is acting protectively and stopping contact. Your son however might be if you don’t act protectively. But if you have a social care background you know all of this already?

Exactly this. If you let him back into the home, it’s far more likely that your children will be placed on a care plan than his daughter, who is being protected by her mother in a way that you don’t appear to be protecting your sons.

I dread to think what sort of "social care" you work in. This man has grabbed your hair, threatened to trash your house, threatened to hit your son and drunk driven with his own young daughter in the car. What the actual fuck? Exactly what part of him don't you want to give up - his dick? Your poor children.

This is really upsetting to read about, and I think in time to come you will look back and wonder how that was your perspective. I think you're so enmeshed in this relationship that you can't see clearly.

Please listen to the PPs here. To answer your question, yes your DC will be placed on a plan with social services, if this man is still in their lives. So they should, as he is abusive and having a very harmful effect on them. His ex has done the right thing in preventing him from seeing his DC with her, and you need to do that as well.

OP if you work in social care you will hopefully understand safeguarding and how this applies to your situation. Having said that, you are also in a domestically abusive relationship and seem unable to accept or see the reality of that.

So what would you say to a friend in your circumstances?

Former SW here. If your partner isn't safe for his child to be around, according to SS, what makes you think your children are safe around him. When parents don't know how to safeguard then SS has to intervene on behalf of the children.

Please prioritise your children @Rowyourboat2. I think they have been through enough witnessing and being on the receiving end of this man's violence (verbal you say but him grabbing your hair is physical violence). I don't know what you're thinking bringing home a man who's addicted to drugs and alcohol to live with you when you have got children. Please put them first or someone else will have to!

If you decide to stay with him then your children should be put on a protection plan because they’re at risk. Why is your children being at risk not your main concern instead of whether or not SS get involved?

I didn't read it as the OP had professionnal experience in SW, but rather that it was personal experience. I hope I'm wrong because a SW would know the answer to her question (whether SS can intervene if a parent choses to live with a partner who is considered violent and using drugs).

Ah right apologies, have misunderstood.

Thats a really really good point both of you

Yep. Dick prioritised over kids seems to be the way far too many times

You’re poor DS.
Please wake up!!