How to feel ok having sex in an ageing body

[RedTreeLeaf]

I read an article last night about having sex over 60 - https://www.theguardian.com/wellness/2025/jul/02/sex-after-60 - and it made me think about my own attitude to sex as I age.

I'm in my early 50s, and know I still look good outwardly (in clothes or a swimsuit), I'm slim and reasonably attractive. BUT when the clothes come off my boobs are loose and low hanging and my belly skin is wrinkly (I lost a lot of weight). My bum isn't firm. I'm getting a little loose skin around the neck.

My attitudes to sex are heavily shaped by society and culture, which put so much value on bodily perfection and youth. I feel like sex is for young beautiful people, not for old wrinklies like me! But then I read the article and thought maybe I'm missing out.

My DH and I have drifted away from having sex (a combination of not feeling hugely attracted to him, nor feeling attractive myself), but I could get it started again.

But how can I shift my attitude from 'sex is for the young and perfect' and feel ok and comfortable having sex as a wrinkly, saggy person?!

I don't know what to say to you tbh @RedTreeLeaf.
I suppose it's because l just don't feel like you do and no matter how old, fat and unattractive l am, or my DH is to other ppl , to each other we are and always have been very attractive and sex is fun and good . Even now in our 60's . Can you try to be a bit kinder to yourself because this seems to be all in your head . Wishing you all the very best @RedTreeLeaf.

It's lovely to hear you feel that way @MaryGreenhill

I don't feel unkind to myself, I don't feel any self hate or dislike myself, I like myself, think I'm great, and feel comfortable in my own skin, living in the world. I think I look good outwardly.

It's just the sex thing. I have it firmly in my mind that sex is for young and beautiful people. All my sexual fantasies include attractive, sexy younger people. I suppose I just feel a bit silly tbh, engaging in an activity that my mind sees as being for a different type of person.

I can only liken it to how I used to feel going to gyms (and still do a bit) - that they're just for young men with massive muscles! I also used to feel that way about sport, that it was only for young people in lycra. Recently I've started challenging those thoughts to engage more with sport myself, but I'm only just now realising that I hold these problematic attitudes about sex.

@RedTreeLeaf. Perhaps talking about it to someone with experience in sexual therapy would help you . Good luck 🤞

Thanks for the good luck and well wishes @MaryGreenhill - I don't think I'd pursue therapy, I'm used to solving my own problems.

Hopefully others will add to the thread to share their own experiences, though perhaps not, who knows?!

I can't be the only woman struggling with body image as she ages, I'd imagine it's a fairly common thing.

Maybe you need to have older sex normalised a bit more… e.g. reading more articles, real life experiences, books, erotica etc featuring older people’s sex lives! Sex is not just for the young and attractive. It is a chance for you to connect with your lover and to enjoy how it feels!

My sister's MIL has a similar attitude; everything is for the young. Anything for older people is just a waste.

As long as you're happy, it doesn't matter. You obviously don't miss sex or crave it with your partner and he seems content being celibate.

Many people think it's essential to their relationship, but we're all different.

Blimey. My testosterone gel makes sure that I still have desire and my HRT make sure my body can accommodate. My mind lets me fantasise about how wonderful it feels and how much I love him so it all works.

We are not 25 any more. But we have grown up together. We have aged together and we love each other with a passion that's less fiery in the flesh but as strong in the mind. And for women in the mind is hugely important.

Yes we are baggier. Yes we are less toned but close your eyes and it's the same as it ever was. And eyes never lose their fire. 🔥

Such nonsense.
The mind is talking you out of what should be a golden era in your life.
Sex in old age is normal. Very normal.
If you can then you should.

That’s really from the heart, @itsmeafterall

I enjoyed reading your gutsy post.

Sex is better with experience. And men also have insecurities about their bodies as they age. I'm 53 and no intention of giving up.

I'm 73 and sex is still a joy.

I'm 54 and peri truly took it out of me- if you are bleeding for 2 weeks 'ok' for 1 week the have PMT for a week before you bleed again for 2 for 5 yrs it's crap. I'm out the other end now thankfully. DH and I have been together over 30 yrs- we were 21 and beautiful when we met. Yes we went maybe 18 months without but have talked lots and go on dates again - adult DS still lives with us but we take leave from work - go out for lunch just the two of us and flirt etc making sure we take advantage of an empty house before DS gets in. I know we are both in our 50's but we still feel like we are 21 for a short window- it's true that sex gets better as you get older for us. No need to give up yet- I fancy him still and God knows why but he does me!

Blimey @Dillydollydingdong that's brilliant hope it lasts that long for me!

I feel the same way. I miss being young and beautiful, and only ever look at younger people and think they’re attractive. I’m 54 and I just don’t find any men my age attractive. And I’m not going to look for a younger man. Even when I was younger I used to find the thought of ‘old people’ having sex repulsive. I’m quite happy never to have sex again tbh. I think maybe if i was stlll married and we’d aged together it would be different.

God no there's tonnes of women in 50s and 60s lifting heavy shit in the gym. More and more. Its known now to be good for bone strength and osteoporosis prevention. Have a look at Joan and My 50 fitness journey on Instagram.

That's a sad post

I'm only in my early 40s but your attitude to ageing is sad. So sex is out, the gym is out. What isn't - knitting?

My dad is 75 and does whatever he wants and never lets his age stop him. He still works, loves a night out, dresses in trendy clothes with his own style.

Get to the gym and give strength training a go. It makes me feel amazing and is good for your bones as we age. It may give you a confidence boost that reignites your interest in sex too.

Gosh. That's a really entrenched negative attitude which needs to change imo because its quite unpleasant and unkind

If you say you'll deal with this change yourself, and not through therapy, how will you do that?

You can definitely change how your body looks through exercise and weight training , although it won't look as it did when you were 30.

So what if we are saggier and older? An orgasm is an orgasm.

Maybe take a massage course together and find joy in each others bodies?

In your head you feel your cut of point is 60
i felt like I’d shrivelled add dried up and had no libido anyway( not hrt)
I am 60 and currently a long term friendship has turned sexual which we’re both happy with
it felt no different to 20 years ago
He was very gentle and went Barry slowly
up to the point he finished of course
if your H doesn’t want you that’s bound to kill any feelings and crush your self esteem
I guess counselling for you might be worth trying until you get to breaking point and ask him to leave

I feel same as OP.
My body feels awful and having a few long term health conditions doesn’t help.
I have had endometriosis for 30 years which has never been treated which is now in my bowel. My periods have stopped but I still have pain, although not as bad as it used to be.
At 18, my first boyfriend gave me genital herpes. From that I developed vulval pain.
Still get outbreaks.
Due to an issue with my bladder (have you got your violins out yet!?) I have to take an antibiotic an hour before sex to prevent UTIs. It does work but means I spend hours on the loo afterwards with an upset tummy.
Gone up three dress sizes.
I had an eating disorder for many years which I got a grip of. Really started to build my confidence mid 40’s. At size 10 got some lovely new clothes and underwear and felt great.
Then my partner told me the underwear put him off (it was only M&S) took the wind out of my sails.
HRT has helped with hot flushes but my whole underneath area is painful/sore most days.
Haven’t had sex for a while, last time it was awful my partner had his eyes shut and wouldn’t look at me. He has told me many times seeing my body when I was anorexic traumatised him.
He does provide me with some level of care, not personal stuff. In the heat of an argument a while ago he said I’m only in a relationship with him because I needed to find a babysitter for myself which really, really hurt me.
I don’t have my own DC or any family, but I do a lot for him and his family despite my physical issues. I provided the home we live in, so most of the housework and pay my way.
But that comment changed me. He never apologised for it, and it’s made me closed off and sad.

So negative! We are late 60s and have lots of fun in the bedroom. I am at the gym at least 3 times a week...spin, weights, pilates. What do you do for fun...and for yourself?

@PeggyMitchellsCameoI'm so so sorry that you're going through such pain and unhappiness

Can you kick your partner out? He sounds dresdful. What care do you need? Could you pay for it?

Sending you love ❤️

@PeggyMitchellsCameo get a different partner, who won't be hurtful. They're not all bustards out there. Find someone who appreciates you and your undies.

Sorry to those on this thread feeling or going through similar.

I’d been hoping to find others who felt the same way as me who’d managed to turn their attitude around or who had actual tips on how to approach thinking about sex from an older person’s perspective.

I think I’ll try another post on a different board, maybe menopause. I would have thought it was pretty common to feel differently about sex as the body ages. The loss of youth and fertility is surely a big change and challenge for most women.