How to feel ok having sex in an ageing body

[RedTreeLeaf]

I read an article last night about having sex over 60 - https://www.theguardian.com/wellness/2025/jul/02/sex-after-60 - and it made me think about my own attitude to sex as I age.

I'm in my early 50s, and know I still look good outwardly (in clothes or a swimsuit), I'm slim and reasonably attractive. BUT when the clothes come off my boobs are loose and low hanging and my belly skin is wrinkly (I lost a lot of weight). My bum isn't firm. I'm getting a little loose skin around the neck.

My attitudes to sex are heavily shaped by society and culture, which put so much value on bodily perfection and youth. I feel like sex is for young beautiful people, not for old wrinklies like me! But then I read the article and thought maybe I'm missing out.

My DH and I have drifted away from having sex (a combination of not feeling hugely attracted to him, nor feeling attractive myself), but I could get it started again.

But how can I shift my attitude from 'sex is for the young and perfect' and feel ok and comfortable having sex as a wrinkly, saggy person?!

OP I think your post really demonstrates how important representation is in the arts and media. Culture is important to humans and if the culture you consume shows you no representation of people "like you" taking part in things - be it sex, the gym, concerts, swimming, museums, volunteering, a particular profession etc - then you might assume it's not for people "like you".

This applies to race, religion, class, sex etc as well as age.

Your ideas about sex could be influenced by the beauty industry and porn culture and you are free to reject them and try and disentangle the negative messages from your own feelings of desire. These industries want your money via your insecurity. Find other cultural influences and surround yourself with them. Good luck!

OP What I think some posters don't understand is that not everyone feels comfort in their body, or has a positive body image. I find when I am around those "fierce" women who demand body positivity, I actually go the other way and cover up. I feel like, get your eyes off my body. In some ways it's a form of subtle bullying. You SHOULD feel great with your body? It's sad if you don't?Who are they to say that?

I have absolutely no clue why I am personally so uncomfortable with my body. I have been very slim and attractive, and I didn't like it then. I am now fat and post-menopausal, and I don't like it now. And I'm married to someone who has had similar body issues. When we were young, we just ignored them and got on with having lots of sex. Now we're old (er) and things don't go as easily as back then, the flabby bits aren't great, and it's much much easier to put it off.

Anyway don't let yourself be talked down to by people who don't empathise with other people's self image. There is no one way to have a body and no one way to think or feel about it.

I'm in my 50s and still feel attractive to DH (and find him attractive).

We're not in our 20s any more, but that's fine. We're healthy, which I think is a major factor.

Do you take regular exercise, OP? I find this makes a huge difference to how attractive I feel. If I do a lot of exercise then it really helps - not necessarily to how I look, but to how grounded and happy I feel in my body.

You also seem to be thinking that some third person is watching you under a spotlight all the time when you're having sex, possibly with a magnifying glass. Nobody is doing this. (At least, I assume they're not, because that would be quite a niche practice.) It's probably quite dark. Your husband's short-range vision probably isn't what it was. It's more about how you feel than how you look, actually.

@RedTreeLeaf I totally hear you...AND I'm in the terrifying position of possibly having sex with a new partner post divorce in my 50s...it seems unthinkable

I met dh at 55!! He was bloody lucky to have a woman like me!

My best tip with anything to do with beaury standards and body image: start surrounding yourself with images of women who look like you.

Follow older women on Instagram, particularly the milfluencers since your focus is on reframing yourself as a sexually desirable and desiring person. Consume less mainstream media. Never read the Daily Fail or other misogynistic media. Learn to see the beauty in every body shape, colour, size and age.

It's a gradual process and takes time, because you've had 50+ years of being brainwashed into thinking that only young people are sexy. Stick with it, and just start having sex again, the sooner the better.

I read this and my first thought was how lovely it was. And then my own insecurities made me question, don’t you worry that while you’re focussed on your dh in the heat of the moment he’s actually fantasising about a 30 year old co-worker or something?

It’s about your attitude towards it, DW would fit into the category of older woman, saggy boobs, belly, not firm bum and I honestly couldn’t care less, she’s still the woman I married and I love her body,sadly, she doesn’t feel the same and I’m certain it goes a long way to explaining her reluctance to want sex, it’s really difficult to alter that mindset once it’s firmly established, so try to accept your body changes but the person underneath doesn’t and don’t end up thinking sex is only for the young and beautiful, it absolutely doesn’t need to be

To put it bluntly, OP, do you not feel horny anymore? I have spells when I don't, but when I do, I do, and I don't really think about what my body looks like. It's just about what feels good.

Overthinker, just like me 😅

I am okay with myself physically at the moment but my mind is just starting to shift towards "I'm too old for this". I'm resisting it for now.

However OP I get what you're saying. When you see a romantic, drawn out sex scene on films, it's always stunning young people or maybe verging on middle aged. Not very many 60+ steamy sex scenes out there are there? 😅 There's a reason for that 😅And I'm glad because despite being one, visualising older people shagging makes me 🤢😅 it's just not sexy to see is it? And that's what we need to try and shake out of minds in order to actually keeping doing it.

Maybe Psilocybin for when you can't do sex with a clear head and an overthinking brain anymore 😅

Perhaps watch movies like

Something Gotta Give

or

Our Souls at Night

OP, I feel very similar; I'm surprised there are so many who don't! I have a much reduced libido (menopause, no HRT), health issues, both gynae-related and age-related, and don't feel sexy--as in, I don't feel like anyone could look at me and find me sexy. It was bad enough when I was young and imperfect, now being old and even more imperfect makes sex feel impossible! For me, it's always been important (rightly or wrongly) to feel desirable. And I don't feel that way any more.

I get it, @RedTreeLeaf and I wonder if the answer lies in what you think sex is FOR?

Is it truly for connection, vulnerability, and honouring your partner with a physical expression of love?

Or is it a more superficial, for physical pleasure, more based on appearance, which I think has an element of performance.

If you tend towards the second answer then I can see why you’re struggling with the changes in your body.

If it’s the first answer you can see how the physical body doesn’t matter so much and changes to it over time don’t get in the way of meaningful connection.

I am well aware that I sound like a complete hippy but, hey, I am 🤣 and at 53 I am still loving sex even though I would kill for the boobs I had at 30.

I'm almost 56 (female) and still have a reasonable sex drive. Not as fiery as it was, but it's very much alive. I definitely have body worries - need to lose 2 stone, mainly on the belly area. DH is a lot heavier than when we met. The status quo in our house right now, is me saying that we need to have more sex, and him saying he's lost his confidence. We only do it about once every 8 weeks, which isn't enough for me. Since losing body confidence, I find it much easier to get into sex if it just starts organically in bed. I used to be happy to dress up in something sexy in the middle of the day, in a bright bedroom, but I can only see me doing that again, once I've lost a bit of weight. Early 50's, we didn't have any problems - you are FAR too young to stop having sex now. What does your husband think?

And just to add, sex is so good for you and your relationship. We managed it 2 nights ago, and the mood has definitely lifted between us - more kissing, and more playful with each other.

Do you think you could come on to him Op, or would that feel a bit silly now? Best way is to just take the plunge, I think.

I spent most of my adult life furious about not getting enough of it, now approaching 60 I have completely and utterly lost interest.
It's a massive relief to me to no longer have this need!
I'm happy with my body and have always been slim and in shape.

Some excellent responses, thanks so much, I’m rushing out but will be back to reply properly later.

Exactly!

People don't go to the gym because they look good - they look good because they go to the gym 💥

I hit my physical peak in my mid fifties. I'm in my early sixties now, and am still in good shape.

Some mental reprogramming about ageing is required by the OP. Age is, sadly, not just a number, but we can all make things a great deal better than they might otherwise be 🙂

I don't think I'd pursue therapy, I'm used to solving my own problems.

You don't seem to have sorted some major issues around getting older.
One thing's for sure, every single day from now on in you're going to get older.

You're in your early 50s now. If you don't sort out this 'sex and the gym are for young people' barrier, one day you're going to be in your early 60s thinking, "I was so lovely and young when I was in my early 50s and just think of all the sex and fun I could have been having then and all I did was worry about sagging boobs and not looking like a 30 year old in lycra."

All my worries about aging ended when my best friend died suddenly aged aged 32. It was such a lesson that you never know when it will all end and that every single day is a gift. I'm 60 now and eat life whole for me and her.

Your alternatives are:-
Get over it and eat life whole
Get therapy
Miss out on life worrying about nonsense and get old and die like everyone else.

I hear you!

I have just got married again at 58.

My husband and I were both divorced and PETRIFIED of having sex as both can remember having v different bodies.

But do you know what. It was fine that first time (not amazing) and has just got better and better. I would say we are more experimental than we ever were in our previous marriages or indeed before then. We both thought we were 'post sex' but we aren't.

We both worked out and have got more into this since we have been together. Particularly getting match fit for our wedding. I am fitter and more toned than I was when I was younger. I'm often the oldest in a class and I feel proud about that especially as I'm not the unfittest.

I contrast us a bit with a colleague of my husbands. She met her ex partner at the same time as we got together. From the get go she was obsessed about 'I wish he could have had one night with me when I was 30'. It's like her only worth was her body and her personality, intellect and amazing career were not a factor. She was also gorgeous. They have split up.

Honestly don't overthink it. Just enjoy yourself and relax.

@RedTreeLeaf I totally get you. I was the same - compounded by being married to a selfish, entitled man, hence my desire to have sex dwindled.

I have always received a lot of male attention. I looked good when I was young and still do in my mid 60s - I don't look 25 but I still look good and no shortage of offers. I have always batted them away and as I got older I felt that part of my life was over.

Eventually a friendship evolved over a long time into a romance and we had sex. I had ALL the insecurities and then some, but he was brilliant with me.
We waited a LONG time before progressing to bedroom activities. 😉 He was patient and gentle and complimentary and, and, and, GIRTHY. 😁 Wow!! 🤣🤣🤣

OMG - it was AMAZING!!! 😲 😍 😁😁😁

In the moment, my perceived inadequacies just disappeared. Nothing mattered, except just enjoying myself.

I fell asleep afterwards with a big smile on my face.

I wondered why the hell I'd put up with distinctly average sex with my husband for so long!

After years of denying myself, I have flipped and cannot get enough of him. I honestly can't believe how interested I am again - only in him, mind. 🙂

I adore him. ❤️

Some excellent posts here, thanks so much.

@Bridport I've only just identified this issue re sex and ageing very recently, so it'd be a huge leap for me to suddenly go to therapy about it. It's a new, blossoming thought, I'm here on MN taking my first steps towards change by posting! I've made enormous progress challenging my negative thoughts on gym and sport and I don't see why I can't do the same about sex and ageing, the first step is realising you hold some problematic beliefs, then you can work on changing them. That's the whole point of my post. Not sure why you think people can only change if they have therapy? All through my life I've embraced self-growth and have made changes to the way I think.

@OuterSpaceCadet your post resonated with me so much, I agree that representation in the arts and media matters, I've only ever seen sex portrayed as an activity for young people, that's the message I've imbibed over my whole adult life. I've no idea how all the 'it's nonsense' posters have managed to resist this messaging and swim against the tide!

I think quite a few of you missed some wording in one of my PPs - I wrote that I USED to think the gym and sport were for younger fitter people - I've been working hard to challenge that belief over the last few years and have pushed myself to do rock climbing, swimming, gym classes and gym workouts. I still feel like an imposter, and embarrassed when I start something new, but I'm pushing myself out of my comfort zone to do this because I recognise my thinking is faulty. But back to @OuterSpaceCadet 's post - when you grow up not seeing people like you doing certain activities, you think those activities are not for you. My PE teacher shouted at me for dropping balls in rounders, and not understanding the rules in netball, and being crap at running. My dad didn't bother introducing me to sport because I was a girl not a boy. I grew up thinking sport and exercise weren't for me. I've had a lot to unpick!

Also it probably didn't help that I discovered a huge stack of men's mags when I was a very young teen, so I read them all cover to cover and learned that sex was about youthful bodies. It'll be the same for young people who've grown up on a diet of online porn I expect. Unrealistic expectations and attitudes set from a young age - it's a lot to unlearn.

Loads of people don't feel comfortable about how they look. We just turn the light off!!

Not sure why you think people can only change if they have therapy?

I didn't say that @RedTreeLeaf . I gave other options for change. Therapy is only one way of dealing with things and, as you say, this is a new issue you might be able to sort out yourself.