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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex partner is having a baby I'm devastated

66 replies

Zoeishere · 03/07/2025 08:34

I don't know why I'm feeling like this
I left my partner, he was abusive throughout our relationship we share a 6 DD. We spilt in January this year. He moved on quick and found someone a week later, although I have heard he's known her since December.
He moved into her home in march/April and a week ago he told me he was "having a baby" over text, I thought he was lying at first until on Tuesday he said he couldn't collect DD as he had a baby scan.
I'm not sure of how many weeks she is, but unless it's a private early scan she's at least 12 weeks and it's the dating/3month mark which means she got pregnant as soon as he moved in.

He moved 2 hours away, I stayed in the family home to be with his new GF and she already has 3 DC with her ex.
Because of distance he hardly sees our DD although he has said he wants to have our DD EOW now.
I never went to court to finalise everything although I'm thinking I should now as this baby will take up his time and money, he randomly pays as it is, I have a CMS case ongoing but he isn't engaging with them and has told me to "stop otherwise I won't get a penny"

I feel so used, he has openly admitted he never really loved me and didn't want me, and he's happier than he's ever been and I'm just his DD mum to him.
He was horrible throughout our 7 years together but there was a handful of happy times in the beginning, he swept me off my feet I was so in love with him.
I feel so so sad that my family is over and she is now going to get the best of him, which is all I every wanted.
I stayed hoping he would change
Maybe it is my fault maybe I did cause everything every arguement, maybe I am too much.
He always tells me his new GF "gives him no stress"

I was going to warn her, but I know she wouldn't believe me and he would paint me out as crazy.
My DD adores him, I feel so guilty for not being able to give her a sibling and now she has one, I can't take that away from her.

I just feel so sad.
Please help, it seems so unfair he gets to live his happy every after

OP posts:
ButterCrackers · 03/07/2025 08:37

Get financial arrangements in place legally. You too will have a happy life with your dd without the stress of this man. The sibling - see how this goes with contact as he doesn’t sound reliable.

HouseholdBudget · 03/07/2025 08:50

I feel so used, he has openly admitted he never really loved me and didn't want me, and he's happier than he's ever been and I'm just his DD mum to him.
He was horrible throughout our 7 years together but there was a handful of happy times in the beginning, he swept me off my feet I was so in love with him.
I feel so so sad that my family is over and she is now going to get the best of him, which is all I every wanted.
I stayed hoping he would change
Maybe it is my fault maybe I did cause everything every arguement, maybe I am too much.
He always tells me his new GF "gives him no stress"

So he is re-writing things to suit his current set up, claiming he never loved you. But in reality you were happy until you had a baby (quite quickly after you met, if she is 6 now) and were no longer his sole focus. Well, guess what, he is just repeating the pattern. Give it a couple of years and she will be discarded too. By then you will have moved on and will see him for what he is.

You are not too much. And you didn't cause this. I am willing to bet you just asked him to be an equal partner and he didn't step up to the plate. The fact that he says he will give you nothing for your daughter says it all for me about where the responsibility lies and it isn't with you.
You are better off without this loser, even if it doesn't feel that way for a while.

margaritabonita · 03/07/2025 08:52

His true colours will show to her in no time. Focus on yourself, get therapy and realise your worth, you are so much better than this.

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 03/07/2025 08:52

The new gf doesn't really know him yet....
Give it time.
And chase cms today.

Original poster
Zoeishere · 03/07/2025 08:55

I'm definitely happier without him, I think it's just the baby news that has thrown me and made me feel destroyed.
My home is secure, I'm in social housing we never married it's just CMS that needs sorting.
Since the baby news he wants DD EOW assuming to play happy families with his new GF he's known for 7 months.

OP posts:
Areyouserioushuh · 03/07/2025 09:02

Leave him crack to crack on with it.
take his money and forgot he exists

waterrat · 03/07/2025 09:03

It's absolutely to be expected - natural - that you feel devastated. This not just a feeling of rejection but a loss of his time/ commitment as a father.

However. Op we all in life have to face situations with realism. He wasn't a good or loving partner to you and you are free of him now and can live a life without his negative influence.

See a friend, have a cry, let them talk about what a wanker he was.

7 years is a long relationship but you can learn and move on more positively.

thank goodness he isn't around more - you might be at risk of taking him back - now someone else suffers him!

Original poster
Zoeishere · 03/07/2025 09:05

Yes, very happy he changed towards the end of pregnancy. We were together a year before I fell pregnant we both agreed that as much as we loved our DD we should have waited a little longer. This is why I'm shocked that he's done it again, in half the time.

It's just very sad and I don't feel like I'll ever get my happy ever after.
He said this is for life, although I doubt it he cheated on me 3 times in the last year of our relationship so it wouldn't suprise me that he will do it to her.

I'll get onto CMS today

OP posts:
StrawberryLane · 03/07/2025 09:11

If he abused you he'll abuse her. Don't believe his happy family life portrayal. It'll be fake

Rooroobear · 03/07/2025 09:22

Firstly get onto cms….today. If he wants to see his dd eow then he picks up and drops off as he is the one who moved 2 hours away. A loving father who wanted to be in his child’s life would do this without question. It’s for him to keep his relationship with his daughter going not you. Don’t bend over backwards for him. Stick to your guns.

Rewis · 03/07/2025 09:24

He's not living his happily ever after. He will eventually do the same thing to her and then move on to the next one.

Get all leaglities in order now. He already pays randomly, he isnt really seeing his child. So there is nothing to lose.

Girlmom35 · 03/07/2025 09:29

The one thing you have to know about an abuser is this:

They don't leave you for someone better.
They leave for someone easier.

I read so many posts from women who are absolutely gutted when their abuser, who they have finally managed to leave, is now pouring all of his money, attention and love into another woman. And despite your life being so much better now that you've separated, it hits you like an unexpected punch in the gut. Because suddenly it makes you wonder: if he can be loving with her, was I the problem? Was it me all along?

The answer is no, it was never you. You just became too hard to keep abusing. It stopped being fun when you started fighting back. No matter how many times he humiliated you, tried to wreck your self esteem, tried to break your spirit, there was always this little spark in you that kept saying "I deserve better than this".

And that's why he's on to the next person. Not because there was something wrong with you, but because there was something very good and strong and right in you. That moral compass and the will to survive, that's what got him to release you and move on to the next victim.

Be proud. He didn't break you. He gave up. You won.

The reason he's with her, is because he sees an easier victim in her than in you. Not because she's better or prettier or smarter or more kind and less demanding than you. And of course he's nice to her now. Only an idiot would stay with someone who starts abusing her right off the bat. But now he's baby trapped her, so it won't be long until he repeats the same cycle again.

cloudyblueglass · 03/07/2025 09:29

No one moves faster than an abusive man looking for a new home and new supply.

Fargo79 · 03/07/2025 09:30

Men like him can't really have a "happy ever after" with a partner because they don't possess the character to actually share that depth of bond with someone. It's always very transactional and shallow.

He is doing the classic thing of rewriting history to try and absolve himself of guilt, and because it will be part of his storytelling to OW that of course he would never do the same to her because it's completely different this time blah blah blah.

You sound secure and like you've got a sensible head on your shoulders. This is just a minor wobble. Focus on you and DD and your bright future. Ignore his drama.

Tiredofwhataboutery · 03/07/2025 09:35

Keep the cms case going, honestly he’s shown you he’s unreliable there’s no way that’ll change regardless.

SaturdayDream · 03/07/2025 09:37

Be glad you are well out of it.
He will probably be cocklodging as nobody falls in love faster than a man who needs a roof over his head.

DiscoPig · 03/07/2025 09:39

OP, take a breath and think logically about this. He's just doing to her what he did to you -- having a baby far too soon in a new relationship, in which he is likely to be serially unfaithful. They barely know one another. You say yourself there were a handful of good times at the start but that 'he was horrible throughout our seven years'. And that it started when you got pregnant. That doesn't sound like 'happy ever after' by any stretch of the imagination.

Get the CMS sorted and get on with your life. It is already much better without an unpleasant, serially unfaithful partner.

Imbusytodaysorry · 03/07/2025 09:46

@Zoeishere Try and flip round your thought process around.
What he is saying to you is only words and you must know he is full of crap I am sure!

He is on his best behaviour as soon as he slips and she starts ‘moaning “ she will receive the abuse . Sadly for her she is trapped with a baby now and you are free.

Carry on with your CMS claim don’t be bullied by him anymore . Put your child first .
Don’t Initiate court. Organise a child access arrangement that’s suits you if he plays around tell him he will have to take you to court for a committed routine .

This man tried to break you to do what he liked and he is still doing the same .

whynotmereally · 03/07/2025 09:46

He’s no longer your problem. You are free. Unfortunately his new partner is his next victim. Be grateful you got out, if you are happy with arrangements keep things as they are , if he starts to mess you about with maintenance go down legal route.

Original poster
Zoeishere · 03/07/2025 09:55

Yes I agree with you all, logically I know he's just repeating the same pattern however it doesn't stop the hurt.
@Girlmom35 he is always telling me "she causes me no stress" and "he does what he wants" to start with he was bragging about how he wasn't paying for food/keep in her home although that now may have changed 4 months in.
@Fargo79 if I do say anything about our relationship he shuts it down, telling me to "forget our past, move on" and "he's forgotten it" he's now also telling me it's was "toxic and sour" which he has never said before, obviously he's got these words from his gf from talking to her about our relationship.
He's taken no accountability for the damage he caused and the emotional abuse, he was always telling me to "shut up" calling me names, always in front of our DD
He claims he isn't like this now, and TBF he does seem a lot calmer - maybe I did push his buttons.

He is picking our DD up today from school to spend sometime with her and she will be at her PGM on Saturday he told me he will take her out with his new GF on Saturday, probably to tell her the news.

Just so sad and worried for my DD.
In less than 7 months of loosing her father hes gone and moved in with another woman with 3 DC and having a baby.

OP posts:
gravelshuff · 03/07/2025 09:59

Girlmom35 · 03/07/2025 09:29

The one thing you have to know about an abuser is this:

They don't leave you for someone better.
They leave for someone easier.

I read so many posts from women who are absolutely gutted when their abuser, who they have finally managed to leave, is now pouring all of his money, attention and love into another woman. And despite your life being so much better now that you've separated, it hits you like an unexpected punch in the gut. Because suddenly it makes you wonder: if he can be loving with her, was I the problem? Was it me all along?

The answer is no, it was never you. You just became too hard to keep abusing. It stopped being fun when you started fighting back. No matter how many times he humiliated you, tried to wreck your self esteem, tried to break your spirit, there was always this little spark in you that kept saying "I deserve better than this".

And that's why he's on to the next person. Not because there was something wrong with you, but because there was something very good and strong and right in you. That moral compass and the will to survive, that's what got him to release you and move on to the next victim.

Be proud. He didn't break you. He gave up. You won.

The reason he's with her, is because he sees an easier victim in her than in you. Not because she's better or prettier or smarter or more kind and less demanding than you. And of course he's nice to her now. Only an idiot would stay with someone who starts abusing her right off the bat. But now he's baby trapped her, so it won't be long until he repeats the same cycle again.

Ive booked this to re read its great -
agree with it OP

Original poster
Zoeishere · 03/07/2025 10:11

@Rooroobear I'm very lucky to live close to siblings - my sister has offered to do handovers for me for the time being she doesn't live that far from me but it will be another 15/30mins journey time for him.
He's refused to do this, saying "why are you getting someone else involved, should I get my new GF to collect our DD" I stated I wouldn't be comfortable with that so he said "exactly, keep it like it should be I will collect from outside your house"
He didn't want to travel any further than he has to, he has stated he will do nothing to help me.

He's a bully to me, but I'm trying to stand my ground on certain things
I asked for money this week, he said he could only give £20. I haven't had money for 7 weeks when I said if he can't afford one child then he really shouldn't be having another I was told to "mind my own business and it's not my concern"
I'll give CMS a call on my way home but he has 2 weeks to respond to them.

OP posts:
supercali77 · 03/07/2025 10:17

"he was bragging about how he wasn't paying for food/keep in her home"

She's already not got the 'best of him'. What decent man uses a single mothers food and boasts about it?

Repeats same pattern. Pregnant early on. Probably find the new GF is not as shiny the second she expects him to do a anything regarding his new child and responsibilities.

The main point he seems to make is she 'gives him no stress'. Thats going to last all of...oh, another 6 months. Maybe.

supercali77 · 03/07/2025 10:23

@Zoeishere so hes offering you £20 for 7 weeks, thinks that's normal and can't go an extra 15 mins to get his kids. Fine well force through the cms claim. And then tell him you're dropping your kids at sisters. If he doesn't wanna collect them from there that's his call but he still has to pay. I'd call his bluff on it. How likely is it that a pregnant woman with kids of her own is going to want to do handovers for the big man baby.

Laurabeee · 03/07/2025 10:30

Do not listen to this nonsense about how happy his is! The new woman is about to experience the exact same things as you. He will be no better and possibly worse. He will be telling her how great things were with you (when it suits him to manipulate her) You are in the lucky position of knowing the truth about him.
I know it’s a really rubbish time for you. I would formalise the CMS payments and leave him to it. Better things await you. Time will show you there is no happy ending for him.