Ex partner is having a baby I'm devastated

[Zoeishere]

I don't know why I'm feeling like this
I left my partner, he was abusive throughout our relationship we share a 6 DD. We spilt in January this year. He moved on quick and found someone a week later, although I have heard he's known her since December.
He moved into her home in march/April and a week ago he told me he was "having a baby" over text, I thought he was lying at first until on Tuesday he said he couldn't collect DD as he had a baby scan.
I'm not sure of how many weeks she is, but unless it's a private early scan she's at least 12 weeks and it's the dating/3month mark which means she got pregnant as soon as he moved in.

He moved 2 hours away, I stayed in the family home to be with his new GF and she already has 3 DC with her ex.
Because of distance he hardly sees our DD although he has said he wants to have our DD EOW now.
I never went to court to finalise everything although I'm thinking I should now as this baby will take up his time and money, he randomly pays as it is, I have a CMS case ongoing but he isn't engaging with them and has told me to "stop otherwise I won't get a penny"

I feel so used, he has openly admitted he never really loved me and didn't want me, and he's happier than he's ever been and I'm just his DD mum to him.
He was horrible throughout our 7 years together but there was a handful of happy times in the beginning, he swept me off my feet I was so in love with him.
I feel so so sad that my family is over and she is now going to get the best of him, which is all I every wanted.
I stayed hoping he would change
Maybe it is my fault maybe I did cause everything every arguement, maybe I am too much.
He always tells me his new GF "gives him no stress"

I was going to warn her, but I know she wouldn't believe me and he would paint me out as crazy.
My DD adores him, I feel so guilty for not being able to give her a sibling and now she has one, I can't take that away from her.

I just feel so sad.
Please help, it seems so unfair he gets to live his happy every after

I was devastated when my ex created this new home with a very new gf and her child and wrote to me boasting about it... they split up three months after moving in together but he didn't tell me until he moved out a year later

This.

Leopards don't change their spots. He is still in the honeymoon phase of this relationship. Once she become "no-longer-fun" mommy with a focus on the child, he'll likely start treating her just as badly.

Pity her, that she still has to learn the man he really is, rather than what she now thinks he is. She still has all this pain ahead of her and she has no idea what she is in for.

He claims he isn't like this now, and TBF he does seem a lot calmer - maybe I did push his buttons.
You are just seeing his public face, not his behind closed doors face now. Don't fall for it.

"she is now getting the best of him"
You have to change your way of thinking that there is a "Best of him" he has shown you who he is, believe him.
She will end up in the same situation when he gets sick of her kids or when she asks him to pull his weight.
You sound as if you would take him back if he asked, you need to change that.

@supercali77 she also knows he doesn't pay for our DD regularly neither doesn't seem to faze her, knows he doesn't do any parenting again not a major concern for her.

I'm sure one day we will meet, probably by chance as he's refused to let me meet her (I did ask as she has been around my DD so it would be nice to meet someone who will be spending time with my DD)
But then again, I'm starting to think, do I really want to meet someone with such bad judgement.

Definitely don’t back down in CMS. My ex threatened me about it when I went for it too. Ignoring this and pursuing anyway was the best decision I made. The kids deserve that security and the basic legal contribution from their own father.

He will be mad about it because he has another kid now too. That’s his problem. He chose to get someone new pregnant. If that relationship ends he will be paying CMS to her too and it will still be his fault. Not your problem.

@ArthurBloom I really wouldn't, he asked in April if I "wanted to make it work again" this was obviously before pregnancy was known.
I ignored him, he sent another text saying "if you have anyone I'll go nuts"
Again I ignored him.
He hasn't said anything else I haven't asked either.
I'm happier without him, just very sad for my DD and grieving the family I lost.

They sound awful OP. Please surround your self with good people, reduce all comms to transactional - perhaps the co parenting app where it’s monitored and you can use evidence should re kick up a stink in the future. 💯 follow up on your CMS claim

@Zoeishere is everything you know about her relayed to you by him? I'd not trust anything he says about her. Or what she knows or doesn't know. Whatever she thinks, she's almost certainly been hoodwinked to some degree.

This is a man who brags about not paying his way in a new relationship! He doesn’t pay for his child either. He is also a cheat.

There is no “best of him” he is an absolute disgrace!

You are much better off without him. The new GF might be getting ‘the best of him’ as you say, but his best isn’t worth anything much at all. Let her have him.
Push your CMS claim and pay no heed to his threats.

Kindly OP, you need to stop thinking about how his life is perfect (it's not) and focus on your own life and wellbeing. Keep contact with him solely on communication about your daughter and don't be drawn into discussions about his relationship or your past relationship.

Concentrate on making your life what you want it to be - exercise, seeing friends, take up new hobbies and make the most of your freedom. Let him get on with his own life - he won't change and what his new partner puts up with is her problem!

No way am I backing down on CMS every week I plead with him for money, if he's in a good mood he will pay, more than not he'll blame me for not giving money for whatever reason.
I work part time ATM, trying to find a full time job that will work for DD and I - he knows this but doesn't care that his DD goes without, says its my fault.
He doesn't have a good relationship with his mother or father so it's pointless talking to them as they won't say anything to him as long as they see their GD they don't really care I think

@supercali77 yes everything I've heard about her, which isn't much is through him. We've never spoken.
I do believe she's been hoodwinked as well, it's all happened so fast she's 37 so not a silly little girl.

I’m so sorry, but she isn’t going to "get the best of him". After the novelty has worn off I’m sure he will be just as abusive with her.

Since he has chosen to move 2 hours away it should be his responsibility to collect and deliver back DD, so I doubt very much that an EOW arrangement will last long.

You still have the chance to make a new life for yourself and DD.

I’m guessing he now wants DD EOW as he is trying to prove to new GF he’s a great dad etc.

Bless you. It's really really difficult when they were toxic to you and then seem to be lovely to the new partner. my ExH left me for someone else, after years of infidelity and alcohol abuse and seems to have now got his life together. While I am MUCH happier without him, and now actually enagged to someone else, for a long time I was looking for Karma. I wanted his life to impload. I wanted 'justice' almost and for a while it felt like maybe even I was the problem if he can treat someone else right, or maybe he didnt treat me badly. You never really know what is happening in peoples lives, so maybe he is treating her the same way, but people do change. His treatment of her does not mean that he didnt treat me badly. Also, we share a daughter, so for her sake if he has improved his life that's good.

A quote that I like is: 'I never knew how strong I was until I had to forgive someone who wasn't sorry, and accept a policy I never received.'

For your own sake, find a way (maybe through counselling) to let go of the past and how he treated you and concentrate on your own happy life. Whether he has changed completely or not, learn to not see your happiness and value as anything to do with him. Good luck x

Get used to putting what he “wants” and “says” in quotes because none if it is real or any kind of action item for you. So he “wants” DD EOW? Well fuck him. People in hell will want ice water…

Tell him he can come get her and return her as he moved away. Tell him you love the idea as you will be dating and it gives you some free time. That will be the end of that.

He will be living with a woman run off her feet with a new baby and her three kids of which he will be expected to manage whilst living there! How is that going to be stress free for him?

Those other children may resent the new baby or rather the time their mother has with the new baby and may take it out on him and blame him. How is that stress free?

Now he is living there he will be expected to pay his way which will include paying for things for the other children. Three of them!

His sex life may have been good with her which could have been the initial attraction but now with a new baby she might not be so interested or even have the opportunity to be intimate with him.

Most men would struggle with this scenario especially when they have only known the woman such a short time. He will have to form relationships with the people in ger family and that might not be plain sailing if they get on well with her previous partner etc.

You seem to think he has walked into paradise when in truth it may be anything but that.

Or he may be very happy. But OP had better harden her heart because he may decide to use her and dd as a bolt hole when new woman makes too many demands on bim. From that perspective the two hour drive becomes quiet time for him. And “I have to go see dd” becomes a way to avoid demands. Be careful he doesn’t wind up keeping both you, OP, snd the new woman on a string.

What do you mean by “she gets the best of him”? By the sounds of it there is nothing good about this man. He’s one of those “baby daddies” who think having a woman have his baby is some kind of status symbol, without wanting any of the responsibilities.Yuck.

This.

Sounds as if he's talking bollocks!

Of course he's justifying why he left his child & the mother.

Don't let him have every EOW OP. You should also be able to spend fun weekends with your DD, not just get the brief periods before and after school. He also does all the pick ups and drop offs, seeing as he is the one who moved. Definitely get a proper agreement in place because otherwise he could refuse to return her and you'd be powerless to force him to if he has PR.

Has he said whether your DD will have proper sleeping arrangements at his GF's home? I would think it's quite cramped if she already has 3 DC, unless she lives in a mansion.

I wonder how long before the GF wakes up to what a useless imbecile he is? Bad enough he's not paying you CS, but to brag he's not contributing at his GF's house either is vile. More fool her though for accepting it.

He does no parenting at all, he didn't turn up to our DD first ever gymnastics competition, she's been in classes for the last year and I think he's seen her once, he never turned up to parents evening either or sports day. I definitely don't do drop offs and collect, that's on him I have no intention of doing so either - he doesn't drive his gf does.
In terms of staying over, he's gf has a 2 bed flat all girls, all assuming they will be asking the council to move them once baby comes especially if a boy. So my DD will have to share a room with children she doesn't quite know yet, I don't know how she will react to that. I've suggested no over nights just yet, let her get used to the arrangements or to stay at PGM with my ex (PGM is a 45 mins drive away from them) when I say EOW what he means is Saturday 12.00 to Sunday 4.00pm
He's not mentioned half terms, summer holidays, sick days, emergencies - that's all for me to work out.

@SparklyGlitterballs he's stated that if I don't let him have her EOW then he definitely won't pay, that's why I'm trying to get CMS in and then I'll apply to court myself. He only wants to take her out for the day with his new family, I sometimes have to tell him to call her.
@Kbroughton I also questioned if he had got his act together, he's also a drinker but the fact he's still so shit towards me and DD makes me think not, I don't think he will change in a matter of months.

Just ignore “what he wants” as he is too lazy to make anything happen. And don’t “remind” him to call her except as a way of embarrassing him. She might as well learn now that he is a shit father. You can do a lot of harm trying to fake the relationship for him as she will not be able to trust you. She will understand what she needs to understand over time.