July 2025 - Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I have now set up a new thread as the previous one is now full.

This long runnning thread has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.
Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.
NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.
You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.
'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
I started with this book and found it really useful.
Here are some excerpts:
"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.
Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.
Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:
"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.
YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".
"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.
YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".
"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."
"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"
"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."
"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites
Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat for details.

Some books:
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa
This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:
"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

Yes. I’m having big issues dealing with it emotionally because it’s shit. Who wants a partner who doesn’t protect his little family. I don’t expect him to wake up and be angry. I’m just disappointed that he’s as bad as them. Even though he gets treated as less he’s still a cog in the system. I’m just really disappointed yet again I’m fighting alone for my family. Disappointed in myself also.

I can hear the despair and desperation in your voice - it's soul destroying to see someone you love be treated so badly and for them to hold tight to the notion that their family isn't that ' bad'or to try and explain away their behaviours. But, whatever you say or do won't bring them closer to the light or the truth any quicker,infact it may backfire and cause a divide between you. You really have to let it be for now. If a friend or partner told me 20 years ago that my family were a bunch of narcissistic monsters, I wouldn't have believed them because I simply wasn't ready to accept the truth. I had to get there on my own and dig deep to unveil all the rotten layers. It takes courage and an awful lot of unpicking to do this; something your partner maybe doesn't want to do yet because it literally turns your life upside down in the process. There will be a time when he wants to explore this and that's when you come in, along with therapy.

I’m not sure I’m really strong enough for it all. I’ve come out of a 12 year marriage to a nasty narc and I’m trying to heal and value myself and this shit is just not helping at all. 7 years ago I wanted to take my life because of my ex husband, he ground me down to the floor. This is just more of the same old rubbish.

This is very understandable. Yet a few posts ago you were singing his praises. It's not absolute and he has good qualities, but your needs are not being met on a quite fundamental level. If you keep analysing his family etc you'll just prolong your suffering. Start acting more in line with what you need/can do instead of wishing he would this or they would that. it is devastating, but it will be better for you long-term as a person and probably your health too.

He’s not a bad guy at all. If you didn’t know about narcs (and sometimes I wish I didn’t) it probably wouldn’t be like this. Me knowing what his mum is causing me an issue. I’ve left one narc family for another. He is a good man but he’s part of a horrible dynamic. I feel for him because before me he’d had no long term relationships and that’s obviously down to his mum getting involved. But yeah I just can’t escape. I left one narc marriage and I can’t escape him either.

I have been making new friends so I’m not stuck in this all day long and have a laugh with them. They all have kids and the kids are all friends also. I need to make my own family.

He doesn't have to be a bad guy in order for you to acknowledge that some of your needs are not being met in this relationship. If he didn't marry you but a fullblown narc instead he'd probably be an enabler. He is an enabler of some sort now. That's a fact for you to deal with. He can believe whatever he wants and right now he doesn't see an issue, but you do. If I were you I'd reclaim my power one second at a time. But focus on yourself. It IS hard, but it will be better for you.

I'm sorry you've experienced all of that and can understand how triggering you must find your partner's family. Once you've come up against one narc, you see them everywhere! The red flags are all the same. Maybe it's time for you to concentrate on you. You can't 'save' your partner and like it or not, he's found a way for now, to handle his family even though to you understandably, he's capitulating to their power. So, put the focus back on you and your healing.

@Strawberrypjs I would find this difficult too so I understand. It's like total abandonment because he won't stand up to his family. I'd find his intertwined dynamic with family difficult and not attractive myself. It's understandable you are struggling.

It's clear that he won't change at this time. The family won't. So only you can take personal responsibility here and do something.

Maybe you can leave. Is it really such an unrealistic possibility. Maybe you can have a relationship with him that's different and you are not a romantic couple anymore.

If you really can't leave, financially, childcare etc, then it's time to look at him properly. He is not what you ideally want but he's needed for x,y,z so work on filling up those other needs somewhere else. I'm not telling you to have an affair, more that you get making links and growing interests completely away from him. Hobbies, friends,clubs, activities alone even. Things that don't involve him or the kids.

Ask him to look after the kids so you can go do things that make you happy more often.

Get your brain and body away from all this a little bit more often, including your partner. It's really not helping you.

another person who isn’t safe to be around 😞 I’m so fed up with this dynamic. I’m such a hippy at heart, this is just crushing. I have made new friends and joined groups. He is just someone who I can’t tell all too, which is not the purpose of a partner. We have a lot of fun together and joint hobbies and both of our friends are great. I just want one person who knows me in my life. Looks like the plants are the only ones I can talk to!!!

This is part of the journey. You come to a place where being round people too much is difficult. Because they'll never be what you need.

I'm at my most happy more and more with plants animals etc. It's quite the shocker. It isn't however wrong or weird or a failing. You're just led to believe it is. Go where you feel calm and happy a bit more often. Leave them at home and go find it more often.

I suppose it’s just how life goes. It’s a good lesson to learn but it’s also not one you are supposed to learn. People should have been what you need, they are for many, just not for me or many of us. One good thing is I don’t force people or abuse or manipulate people into being what I need. Sets us apart from the nasties!

I had a little word on the quiet with my partner and he visibly looked fearful about his mum. He is actually scared to have any opinion other than positive about his mum it seems. I didn’t say much, just that I was a bit disappointed by there lack of acknowledgment of our good news. It’s sad that he feels like this and that he expects them not to be happy for him. I think it’s me that is causing this because I refuse to loose my autonomy, I’m very fierce over this having struggled to get it back. Same like when we had our daughter, no congrats etc. I’m not giving it up so this is the status quo I guess from now on. I’m slandered amongst them, labeled difficult, sensitive and my fav “different”. I’m not sure whether I can weather this having had it for decades already.

Have you ever had relationship counselling with him strawberry? If nothing else it could help him see how much of a deal-breaker this is for you, if you're thinking of ending the relationship over it. I'm not sure the relationship can survive anyway because for that to happen it probably needs him to change. Even if he wanted to change (and I'm not at all convinced he does) it means him opening his eyes to his family dynamics. Which in turn means going from feeling they're a good (or at least ok) family, to accepting they're arses who've abused him and don't love him, understanding his little family unit isn't being treated fairly or reasonably by them and that they're abusive towards your DDs. That's a hell of a lot for him to accept. Even if he does accept it and change his behaviour and start being all a husband and father should be, it isn't going to make him happy.

He's caught between a rock and a hard place emotionally. Whatever he does he can't "win", he's going to be unhappy regardless. At least temporarily. He's in a position where he needs to choose you and DDs (which he obviously should do!) and forge a happy life with you, which by necessity is likely to mean going NC with his FOO and all the unhappiness that entails both in the run up to it and in the aftermath. Or he risks you divorcing him and goes through the pain of the breakup and co-parenting, but keeps his FOO and doesn't have to challenge his fundamental viewpoints about life, his FOO and himself. Which may possibly look like the easier option to him, as it presumably always has before.

As you've already hinted at, he can't realistically have a relationship and be in touch with his FOO. The only reason it's worked this time (for a while) is because he picked you, a partner already schooled in tolerating narcissistic abuse. Now that you're healing further from that and your eyes are opening more, you're seeking to further protect yourself by distancing from narcs and so the relationship with your husband (and the FOO parasitically attached to him) is no longer working. If you hadn't already had that abusive relationship with your ex, this relationship wouldn't have gone anywhere because you'd have run a mile just like all DH previous GFs did.

@SamAndAnnie there really would be no point. I am the one with the issue as he is too conditioned to this. If I was a regular person who hadn’t experienced narc abuse before I could probably just get on with it and ignore it. Lots of people have shitty in-laws. But I am physically repulsed by the whole family. I know my partner wants to spend family time with them but I can’t really control my face, it looks how I feel. Every single altercation with them is about competition. There is no relationship to have. They can’t help but use every communication as a way to come out on top. I wish I could find a way to just let it go over my head. I really have a big hatred of narcs now. It is a shame as my partner is not like them. He isn’t competitive, he’s emotionally responsive, he makes friends easily, he’s a decent bloke and we have lots of fun but I’m struggling with his family and he likes them a lot. It’s like you say I want to avoid for protection. I wish I had stronger control of myself.

This thing that we got at the weekend that we were happy about, they have now gone a got a much more expensive example and sent me a photo of it today. I couldn’t care less that they could buy a more expensive version. I just hate that they feel the need to get a superiority hit against us. It’s fucked up to use your family like this. It has proven to me that they just can’t do relationships. So they can’t even say anything nice about what we got but then proceeded to send me pictures with hearts on what they bought. Selfish twats.

You need to block them strawberry. They need to have no ways of contacting you at all, on any platform. It's his family let him manage them. I'd play dumb if they ask. The message didn't come through, you don't know why. On repeat, always. They'll say stuff, they'll think whatever they think, but they can't really argue with it, there's no information for them to argue with. I wouldn't meet them though TBH. I'd have to never see them again, unless it was a big family event and they were there as well as you. By this I don't mean a family event involving you lot, his mother and his brothers family. I mean something really big that can't be avoided like a wedding or funeral, somewhere with lots of people so you can avoid them majority of the time. I'd not go to anything else. If that's not an option then IDK what you can do except split up. He's never going to change if he actually likes them despite how they behave. I guess you can't stop DH talking to you about them but I'd get cross with him if he passed on any negativity about you or eldest DD, I'd have a row over that, every time. You didn't ask for, and don't want, their opinion or information. He should learn to keep others unpleasant opinions to himself. I wouldn't say anything to any story or comments about his family either, like literally nothing just silence or change the subject. When he inevitably mentions it I'd just say that I have nothing to say. I think grey rocking your DH on the subject of his family is going to be necessary to maintain any peace at all for you. He's going to have to accept that you just don't like them, even if he thinks that's unjustified.

I tend to smile and say that’s nice. But I can feel the swelling inside me. I know many people don’t get on with in-laws etc so I wish I could just not react at all internally. I have terrible impulse and I just want to blurt it out. They bring out the madness so I will see if I can grey rock him. But to be honest he is quite enmeshed and he knows everything that goes on in the family daily and he wants to know. I have made some new friends which has been a relief to escape that world. I can’t stand the silent competition and it’s been nice to spend time with “normal” people.

@Panduroo I’m new to the thread and just started reading through this latest one. However, what you described about your father’s funeral completely resonated with me. I felt exactly like this a few years ago at my fathers 70th birthday, when I listened to a speech by his friend describing what a calm and nice and fair man he was. My reality is that he is rather an emotionally abusive and very immature jerk towards the people he is meant to love most (his kids and wife).

Tomorrow a year ago I stood up to my parents. I texted them I'm no longer interested in calls or messages and that I have nothing left to say. After sending the message my nervous system ran havoc. I felt nauseous, got stomach cramps and a panic attack. I thought all hell would break loose and I would receive certain kind of messages but nothing happened. After a few days I managed to calm down and started to feel peace like I had never known before.

After a few weeks attempts to contact me begun. Flowers for my birthday, 'safe travels' from my father as he must have heard I went on a trip, a Christmas parcel that sent me into a panic attack as I collected it from the concierge and realised what it was, merry Christmas messages and finally a happy Easter message, gifted money via a third party and a card that they hope a better year is ahead. I stayed silent every time. Both are blocked now.

The first few months I was consumed with guilt. I kept having thoughts of being too harsh. Too this. Too that. Not once did I regret my decision or think it was the wrong thing for me. It was absolutely the right thing. But I felt I had done something cruel. I felt responsible for whatever they were feeling and I was absolutely consumed by the idea that they might walk around telling everyone they have no idea what got into me.

But six months later my peace came back. It stayed for long periods of time. Weeks. Months. For the first time in my life I had no sleeping problems. I went to bed and slept and woke up well rested ready to take on whatever would hit me. I got a taste of what life might like for people who don't suffer from insomnia. I felt I could recover a bit from decades of abuse and turmoil. I could rest for a bit. I caught up on many years of lost sleep.

I feel 90pc detached from my parents now, but if I was too see them now I would regress back into the scared little girl. What life is it being scared of your own parents? They put me through so much and I don't think I will ever forgive them. I believed all the things they said about me until I didn't.

Underneath all the cptsd is someone with compassion who's learning to trust people. I'm learning that unlike my parents people aren't out to get me. They are just preoccupied with their own baggage. I lived a life in fear of other people and what they might do to me and that fear is slowly becoming less and less. I'm learning that the world isn't black and white. I understand now what it's like to feel safe with another person and I will never compromise on my own emotional safety ever again. I don't have to know what it is what bothers me. It doesn't need naming. All I need to listen to is whether I feel safe or not. I'm also learning to communicate with others. How to build emotional intemacy without becoming enmeshed. I'm catching up on everything I should have learnt in the first few years of my life.

But the grief still hits me. It catches me by surprise. And the anger. The more I understand how much I was failed the angrier I get. My dream is to never suffer from sleeping issues again, to be able to manage my addiction, to feel safe in my home and to have enough money to enjoy life and to have a quick death at the end.

The hardest thing to come to terms with is the lack of motherly love. It would be my dream to feel a mother's love. I can't ever create or give that to myself. It is hard knowing I will leave earth one day without knowing this kind of love. The longing for it may never stop. It's the one thing I still cry over regularly.

Twatalert happy 1st birthday, you are amazing to have taken control and fought for your freedom. You deserve peace, love and understanding.

Thank you so much. After surviving my childhood recovering from it is the second hardest thing I have done. It's my greatest pain and yet my biggest achievement.

It really is an achievement! Buy yourself a rebirthday present.

A lot of people who have been through what we have end up in desperate circumstances prison, sex workers, heroin addicts, dead. Or worse, abusive narcs.

We're none of those things which means we're absolute superstars. You've had fuck all, now you deserve it all.

I was chatted up by two different men yesterday! One literally said he was very sexually active and was missing it since he'd recently split up with his wife 🤢

Neither appealed at all, but one would be a great gardening chum. I think people might like me 🤷🏼‍♂️

Absolutely. I often think that I could have landed on the streets. It just needed one more adverse event to tip me over the edge. My therapist said I'm well adjusted. I hated hearing it because of how much I suffered but she's right. I'm a high functioning childhood abuse survivor so to speak.

Urgh men.

@Twatalertwhat an inspiring post I hope you continue to heal and find peace you deserve it we all do.

Thank you @Spendysis I believe it is a lifelong process. Some things we may never get over. But it is possible to rewire some of our brain and make life more worthwhile. Being able to feel safe. I never knew this feeling. I didn't know it existed. Even when I was on my own I didn't feel safe. But now I sometimes do. I'll probably spend the rest of my life managing some cptsd.