Ending a relationship over an 8 year old and his mother.

[seahorseraven123]

Hi there. I know it sounds ridiculous but this story is exactly what that title says.

Ive been in this relationship for 7 years. And in that time all I've received is abuse from the child and his mother.

The child is rude , argumentative, has no respect for me and the language that comes from him is appalling. Now his mother is saying you don't have to listen to her , she's just your dad's girlfriend etc.

Im at my wits end. Im so relieved when he goes to hers on a Friday but by the Sunday, I dread it. The mood in the house changes and he brings his attitude back home with him.

Ive tried to have conversations with Dad , basically explaining how im feeling. I get the usual" I'll speak to him" "its going to take time ".

I don't know what else to say. We have a 2 year old together so im trying really hard to just keep it all to myself bit I'm suffering.

I let them move in instead of staying with partners mum , they have control over the house , Im just numb.

Any advice would be grateful.

Thank you

It’s your house. You can literally change the locks. Tell them that they’re not welcome any more and that you will be forwarding their stuff onto them
If you want to be nice, you could give them a weeks notice, but you certainly aren’t under any further obligation

Dad didn't have custody till about 6 months ago. But shes been messing around with days for years. They were living with his mum as I have a 1 bedroom flat and there's 4 of us here.

She has 2 other kids that she now takes care of

He doesn’t get to decide whether or not his shitty behaviour is a dealbreaker in a relationship. That’s for you to decide.

He saw you coming and wanted a roof over his head and his son’s. Kick the worthless twat out.

No time like the present. I told him , he didn't argue and said if you've tried your best , then you've done all you can.

I put up with similar behaviour from my now exDH's kids and his ex. But when we had a DC together, this changed the dynamic. I was clear that I wouldn't tolerate any shit from them, although this was easy as ex's kids were older by then.
I've now come to realise that it's was my exDH that was the problem. He's never been that involved, lacked a backbone. Let his older kids down.
Now I'm free of them all, it's so so much better. Honestly OP, get rid of him and your life will be so much calmer. Focus on your little one.

@seahorseraven123 are all the kids your dp or does she have a new partner who does not particularly like dss? or is the problem that she cannot cope with three kids so she sends one to your dp?

She couldn't cope

It really IS enough...

The 8 year old is a product of their parents’ parenting. You are breaking up because your partner prefers your feelings being hurt over his ex’s.

7 years is more than long enough to wait to see if things improve. As you probably know, it won’t and it’s going to get worse as the child becomes a teen and can cause more pain. Protect the 2 year old and tell your partner to move out. More importantly stick to your decision and don’t let them move back in. Being on/off damages everyone (adults and children) and life is too short for the drama

OP come on now, tough love time, grow a backbone.

This isnt a conversation you simply state "we are breaking up, I want you both you"

No negotiation and dont let them back.

Good for you.

How soon will he be gone? You won't regret it.

I think you've done the right thing OP, he's brought it on himself; it was your partners responsibility to strongly address any rudeness from his potty mouthed ds and your 2 Yr old will have been witnessing all this.

How do you aproach the conversation?

I wouldn’t necessarily mention the child. . I’d just be telling him you’re not happy. You don’t want to live with him anymore.

If he asks why, then tell him the way he is behaving just now is simply not attractive nor acceptable. It doesn’t work for you.

You don’t want to break the relationship because of an 8yo and his mum. You’re breaking the relationship because of a grown up man who can’t put you and his new family first. And I’m not saying like ‘he shouldn’t have his ds with him etc….’ But he is a father, he is parenting his own child and lets him get away with murder. His way to parent and yours are incompatible. That’s it. The least he should do is teach his ds respect. Respect of everyone, you included. No he isn’t.

Having 4 of you in a one bed flat is ridiculous. It’s not big enough for you and the 2 year old. Come on, OP, sort it out. Your dp needs to go elsewhere, as does his ds, who is probably hating the cramped conditions.

Get it clear in your head why you’ve broken up with him because it’s absolutely nothing to do with an 8 yr old child and his mother.

it’s to do with an exceptionally poor father, who has completely failed to parent his child to the result that his son is rude to you.

he is dismissive of your feelings.

I am glad you have got rid of him op, but very sorry for you that it took you so long.

Sounds hideous! The child that is being reared/dragged up by these two biological parents will become the adult of tomorrow. I don't think I'd want to claim any part of that.
I suppose dad is trying to be a buddy to his child rather than a parent who teaches appropriate and respectful behaviour and then mum gets to spout her venom at the weekends. You cant do anything in this situation except to walk away from it - or rather tell them to walk away.

As there is a child involved, I would give your partner a date to move out by, allow a little time to sort alternatives and then get on with your life and don't look back. In the meantime, lay a few ground rules down - its your home.

I know you've told him, but are you going to stick to it this time? This living arrangement, 4 of you in a 1 bed flat, is not good enough for anyone, least of all your 2 year old and an 8 year old who must be feeling pushed out and unwanted on all sides. His dad needs to step up, get himself and his son a home and you need to stop prioritising your need for a relationship over a calm, respectful environment for your child.

Asked for advice. Not criticism

I was thinking the exact same. This child hasn't had to adjust to having you in his life and his parents splitting up. He knows no different. The way he speaks to you doesn't bode well for your own child either, as your partner obviously has a pretty indulgent parenting style and a lack of discipline, if he's let his son get away with this all these years. What makes you think he's going to parent your child any better?

I think it's time to ask them both to move out.

Could you continue the relationship but live separately. This is what I had to do in similar circumstances

It’s more than enough . You have a man who allows his child to dis respect you . His ex to turn the child against you and god knows what the kids has to listen too . Let them all get on with it. .
what if your child starts copying them both.
Hell no.
Tell him it’s over and him and son have a month to move out , don’t say it untill you mean it . Then don’t let him guilt trip you into changing your mind . Look after you and your child’s happiness as he certainly won’t.

It’s a difficult situation all round. Is there any reason why he’s not setting healthy boundaries with the child’s mum? Why isn’t he doing more to work on his child’s behaviour? Sadly you’ll just become more miserable if he doesn’t start taking more action.
Life is too short to be miserable. Have an open and honest chat with him when the kids aren’t around and let him know you’re at breaking point in this relationship. He will either have to step up or ship out. You shouldn’t be made to feel like you have to walk on egg shells in your own home, and your own child will start copying this behaviour eventually too which will be a whole new problem to deal with. Nip it in the bud before that happens.
Sorry you’re going through this, you have to just think about what will make you happier in the long run.

When you get with someone with kids, those kids are a huge part of the relationship (as well as their other parent and other extended family).

It doesn’t matter how ‘perfect’ the partner is, it won’t change the fact that kids do change the dynamics of a relationship.

I think you were silly to move your partner in with you into a 1 bed flat, especially when he has kids that would have needed to at least visit.

After 7 years I wouldn’t think twice about ending the relationship and getting rid of all of this drama.

Try harder 🤷‍♀️

You don't have to put up with this. If you choose to, that's on you. You brought a child into this situation, now you need to consider what is best for that child and how they will be impacted by what you are both living