So lonely

[applejuiceisthebest]

Is anyone else just so lonely? Every time I go out I see happy couples which gets me down, I know not everything is as it seems sometimes but there are plenty of genuinely happy couples, I’m so lonely and don’t see that ever happening for me again. How do you combat loneliness? Friends have their own lives / partners so that doesn’t help me, not aimed at people that are happy on their own, I’m genuinely glad some people are but I just can’t relate.

I'm the same @applejuiceisthebest. Been single for 9 years, ever since my DC was 1yo. It was really hard when DC was tiny, we had no contact with my ex so I was parenting 24/7. Much as I love being a mum, I sometimes felt trapped and cheated of the life I expected.

It is a lonely life and friends drifted as I couldn't really do much with them. Dating isn't practical for me, and additionally I feel hugely unattractive, and not sure I could trust a man again. All in all, I don't see how this loneliness will end.

I have children (mine are adults now)but dont let that stop you.
Im now at 38 having been single for 9 years ive met someone still early days but i like the feel of it we get on laugh we click so far so good.
So dont give up hope yet.

I have them 24/7 so wouldnt be introducing anyone to them that ive just met 😔

Thank you I totally relate to this I just can’t see an end to it it’s actually got harder as time goes on.

No, it's not. It's literally having nobody there to ask how your day was or care how your day was.

You can do almost anything alone, but when you re coming back for a night out and you ve got no one to text to expect you. Same from going on the solo holiday.

No one to touch you. No intimacy...I dont mean sexual.

It's not a belief.You should be with someone is the fact that you want to be with somebody because being completely alone drives you to despair.

Glad to have found this thread. I cant stand when people give me stories of their friend/sister/neighbour/whoever who met the love of their life at 40 or whatever age. It's not helpful and its patronising. I've started to accept I dont think a relationship is in my future and it does make me sad, I'd have loved to have got married.

Loneliness Is insidious - you don't realise its happening until its got you then its like a blanket of depression. Human contact is normal, it feels...unhuman without it.

For me that's seeing a real human face in person to talk to (that has to happen every 2 days minimum).

It's also seeing someone I love and feel a sense of connection towards, I would say I can't go more than 2 weeks without that.

It's also about having something to do, a sense of purpose- I'd say I need to feel that every few days minimum, for most part of the week really.

It's also about variety- seeing different things, going different places.

So loneliness is very closely next to boredom, for me anyway.

It's only from the experience of loneliness that I learned this about myself, I have worked at getting the right balance and feel like I have it now.

That's it for me too. If I want to see the latest film/go to a local event/have a weekend away I have to ask someone and they're probably already going with their partner or another friend and it's just more effort than going with a partner and you have to keep putting yourself out there. And that's fine but exhausting after a while.

I miss physical contact massively, especially now my kids are grown up and rarely give me a hug.

But most of all it's not having anyone to tell the little things that are going on in your life - both good and bad.

It's sad and there isn't an easy solution. I just try and be really kind to myself and treat myself as often as I can.

@Beanfry I wonder if men are just lazy and don't want it enough. People posting here want someone a lot.

@applejuiceisthebest how old are your children now? Are you able to go into the office ever? I wfh but could go in some days if needed. Sometimes when I feel low, I think to myself what advice id give my kids. Would I want them to be alone for years because of a break up? I'd say it would break my heart to know they are so sad. So be kinder to yourself. You do deserve love and someone who can meet you halfway in life. Im just not sure where these people are.

There is the double whammy, for me, of no-one wanting to be with me and also grieving for the life i wanted and assumed I would have

I have six cats and a dog. I’m laughing at the idea it would put anyone off. My boyfriend is moving in with me next week for the summer. He likes cats and they’re always out anyway.

I hate it when people say ‘work on yourself’ and ‘be happy being single’. Patronising sods. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a partner in life. I have it now but I was crushingly lonely for a long time and I am very social and I go to sodding walking groups and everything. It doesn’t make up for having nobody to talk to when you get home.

I totally get what you’re experiencing and I felt terribly lonely until I met my partner in my forties. I was sociable and had a good friendship life but it was tiring and draining always being the single one and going home alone at the end of the day/night. It’s also tiring having to be proactive and make plans in order to have company, rather than there just automatically someone being there to do something or nothing with. We have an over emphasis on independence now and an idea we ‘should’ be happy alone but we are connection seeking creatures and it’s natural to want a partner in life. I hope as your children get older you gain some time back allowing you to opportunity to try and meet someone.

I'm lonely too.

Totally solo parent of an 8 year old here and I understand. I tried dating, and even had a relationship for 20 months, but it was horribly stressful trying to see each other and I ended up introducing him to my son far too early. I've pretty much resigned myself to being single until DS is much, much older. I have a group of lovely single mum friends, and most of the time I've made peace with it, but the loneliness does hit sometimes. I think the only thing that helped really was not struggling against the realisation that, actually, it's not going to be practical for me to date for another ten years. I kept trying to force it, and it was the struggle that was painful if that makes sense?

Ive not tried at all I know it just couldn’t work for me, literally with me 24/7 other than school, I keep thinking it’s not forever but it’s a bloody long time then I worry I will be too old to meet someone

It would put me off. Your bf likes cats but not everyone does.

How old are you and how old are your children, OP? Just to get an idea of timescales (sorry if you've said and I've missed it!)

My marriage ended when youngest was 6. I was mostly single (odd date/brief fling) for 10 years until I met my current partner in my late 40s.

I completely get the loneliness. I had lots of friends, hobbies and an ex who had the children EOW but its still not really enough to build a proper relationship. I was happily single and I enjoyed life but that didn't mean I didn't feel the bone crushing weight of loneliness. Because its not the same. I posted on here at the time and was told I was lucky I had my children and weren't they company enough? Honestly, some people have no idea!

People throw around advice like 'work on yourself' and you feel a bit like 'read the room, why don't you?' But there's an element of it that is true.

It's not that friendships are a substitute for a relationship but that it benefits your MH to have them, which makes you feel better about yourself, you understand yourself as a person outside of 'single mum' and what you have to offer. It also gives opportunities for when the children are older to go out and meet other people.

I reflect on some of my worst periods and can see that while I hadn't caused any of my situation myself, I wasn't helping myself in terms of my thoughts around it.

Someone suggested therapy to deal with your feelings of loss of the life you had. That's not a bad shout. It won't change the reality of your situation but it might help you to feel differently about it. The problem is that, when you're mired in it, you can't imagine that you could ever feel differently. It feels like one problem with only one solution.

It also means that, when your children are older and you are in a position to date, you'll be less likely to hang on to the first man who shows an interest regardless of whether he's worth having or not.

I'm not going to spout trite platitudes like there's someone for everyone or you'll meet someone when the time is right because that's nonsense. But you're more likely to meet someone when you are in a good place. Even if the logistics make it harder for now.