So lonely

[applejuiceisthebest]

Is anyone else just so lonely? Every time I go out I see happy couples which gets me down, I know not everything is as it seems sometimes but there are plenty of genuinely happy couples, I’m so lonely and don’t see that ever happening for me again. How do you combat loneliness? Friends have their own lives / partners so that doesn’t help me, not aimed at people that are happy on their own, I’m genuinely glad some people are but I just can’t relate.

I need to get building work done on my house. Very daunting prospect. Was berated by a friend as I am going to get the architect to project manage it -she said was wasting money when she and her husband managed the builders themselves. Yes -her and her husband! When I had a husband we managed builders ourselves because we were two people to share the burden and mental load etc!

I’m also a long term single who is ok with it most of the time but every now and then it hits me that I’m nobody’s priority.

I have a small group of friends who I have known for years - they are all in long marriages/ long term relationships, I’m the only singleton. I had a few relationships in my 20’s/ early 30’s but I seem to just attract arseholes, so after a few bad experiences I just withdrew from dating altogether.

Most times I’m fine doing things by myself (I went to the theatre last night by myself, I’m going on a solo holiday later this year), but every now and then it get’s me down that I have no-one to share the little things in my day with.

My friendship group also seems to have contracted a bit since Covid - we still meet up, but it’s not as often and people are happier staying at home.

I’ve also realised now we’re in our early 40’s, the difference that being in a long term couple has made to my friends financial security (seems obvious now, but years ago it didn’t matter as much because none of us had anything). Now they’ve all been able to buy their own homes, whereas I’m still renting, with no real prospect of getting a mortgage by myself.

Also, if I get sick or anything goes wrong, I don’t have that automatic person to rely on. One of my friends got burnt out in her job, so her partner financially supported her to quit and retrain for 2 years.

I realise that the support I’m missing out on is not just emotional or social. Not that I would date someone just for finances, but it would nice to share the burden sometimes.

I'm in my early 50s, single, 3 kids (dv in marriage so I left). I'm reading The Other Significant Others, it's a refreshing reframe. Mel Robbins also has a section about adult friendship in her book Let Them. Would it be possible for you to spend time every day as often as possible focusing really hard on the things you have in your life that delight you, that you enjoy, that you are joyful and grateful for? I don't want to come over all Pollyanna but shifting focus might help and attract more happiness (rather than focusing on loneliness which is making you sad). Counseling? Putting yourself out there volunteering for something? Friendships will be out there but you've got to put it in your calendar and commit to getting yourself out there too.

I know exactly how you feel. Im currently going through a bad mental health stage where I feel so worthless and lonely. Its hard. Ive got friends who are getting married and friends who have been with their partner for 18 years and are still going strong, and im ao happy for them all, but I want that. I want someone to love me, but apparently thats too difficult.. I hope you find your peace, or your special person.

It sounds like you feel life is all a bit sh#t at the moment. If dating isn't an option right now, may be worth accepting it is what is it whilst the children are young and things will change in the future. Use that time to become your best self. Invest in yourself . if you're feeling sh#t about everything, you won't attract a good one.

Thanks all, just spent another lonely weekend with no adult company like every weekend, it’s honestly so hard sometimes

I get it OP, I'm a single mum to 3, with no support network either. The poster who implied we are being too picky with the guys on the apps.... 😂 It's not just their looks, most of them are only looking for casual sex, are married and cheating, or worse are genuinely dangerous. And yeah daytime coffee dates, great idea, let's just ignore the fact that me and any potential partners have full time jobs while the kids are in school 🙄

I think being a lone parent is the hardest bit as if really restricts any dating possibilities... I'm just hoping when the kids are grown I will find someone. Oh and I have 2 cats, wouldn't hesitate to get more if I could afford it 😁

OP, I feel you. My H left me and literally took away the life I envisioned for the future. It took me to rock bottom.

Very similar to you, I found i just initially didn't have the time to go on dates, if the kids ever stopped out at my parents it was because I was working at 6am the next morning, and I didn't want to be seen to be taking the piss with childcare with them just so I could go on a date.

I also found married/coupled up friends are wary of inviting a solo female to group things? As though you might suddenly run off with one of their partners? It was very odd to realise that so many of my friends regarded me as a threat once I was single

As previous posters have said, you need to try and build a little network. Don't do OLD, it's a cess pool. But try and do little things that build your network, I started going for a little walk on my day off, and you see the same people, and start saying 'morning' then you see someone with a limp or whatever so instead of 'morning' you ask if they're ok. It might not seem like much, but little steps build a framework.

Also I've reconnected with some of my cousins, which is lovely as we'd all lost each other in the 'children' years

I appreciate that if your kids are small and you have them full time you literally cannot get out and socialise, but if you have hobbies there are 1000s of online groups sharing info and ideas, I'm a member and lurker of various groups including needlework, motorbikes, cats and old cars.

You're in the trenches now, but it will get better xx

I'm just editing to add, I've tried all of the above, and it's worked in terms of meeting people
However, do not jump into a relationship with anyone unless everything is perfect. Look after yourself

@applejuiceisthebest I can totally empathize. Single parent here too - mid 40s, fairly attractive and reasonable income. Sole bread winner - ex hasn't worked in 7 years. I have the children all of term time and some more. Tried online dating but it was so disappointing and made me lose all self confidence, not to mention how tiring it was to put myself out there with a smile and make interesting conversation, after arranging childcare and completing a long day at work. I feel very lonely but it has got a little more tolerable in that I no longer shed tears over the life I thought I would have. I too seem to be surrounded by happy couples and I feel im too young to give up on ever having a romantic relationship (I'm excluding fwb type liaisons here), but what can I do?

My foray into online dating has been terrible and I am now off the apps. Most of my male friends are married or single out of choice. Most people at work have partners. I have very little time for social pursuits beyond my circle of married friends. I can only offer solidarity.

I don't know about you but I also suffer from decision fatigue. How everything lands on my plate from homework to cooking to making the house look presentable. Not having a thought partner.

It depends how old you are. At 63 I'm never lonely. I've been married three times a day was much lonlier in those marriages than I ever was alone.
I've learnt one thing if you don't want to be lonely you have to work damn hard not to be. Get out join groups, join dating sites and see it as a serious hobby, go to everything you are invited to learn new things read loads so you have interesting things to talk about, be your best self.
Nothing will come to you, you have to find it.

thank you! I really hate the “date whilst they are at school” comments, I mean what men would be interested in a woman that can only meet them at lunch time, seriously, I know they mean well but there’s no chance they would date a single dad in that situation so it’s all well and good suggesting it but it’s not realistic!

Thank you, ive started to play a bit of online gaming even though it’s not really my thing ive just kind of pushed myself just to have something to do in the evening

I understand totally. I've tried everything over the past nearly 4 decades since splitting up with the last man I lived with but nobody wants me (except for casual sex). I never dreamed I would end up alone.

The ‘no-one’s priority’ mentioned by a PP really resonates -I have lots of good friends but would really love to be someone’s priority (and vice versa of course)

I understand OP.

No advice but don't let anyone tell you there is something wrong with you for not loving singledom.

Wanting to be in a couple is a very normal, evolved deep desire. You can't overcome that with feminist theory.

I'm lonely too. My kids are my company really. Dreading them growing up. It sucks. Like you, never thought my life would be like this. Thought my life was sorted the way I wanted. But then it changed and here I am.

No advice, but solidarity.

@applejuiceisthebest I do empathise a lot - it's shit! I hope you find support in friends. Hoping for the one to change your life just is soul destroying.

I am a single parent 99% of the time. Id left my children's dad due to abuse - i was in a terrifying situation so left to protect the children mainly, then met this person several years later and i thought this was finally it. He then decided he wanted someone full time to live with him (someone with no responsibilities like i had with my children) so it ended. It was like the joy was sucked out of my life in an instant because i/we were so happy. I live for my children and put them first naturally but deep down, i miss how happy I was. My children's dad married his first gf after me! It just wasnt meant to be this way for me. Im blessed because i have kids and friendships but without them, id have slumped.

I think unfortunately most women have to carry the load of homelife when things fall apart.

I have the loveliest partner, he's kind and sweet and awesome, but I really miss being on my own sometimes. It's great being single and not being needed by anyone; I loved it. grass is always greener hey.

Sorry ignore my post - just read the full thread and seen you don't want to hear other perspectives.

Do you work? I met mine at work. It meant we could spend lots of time together without my children being around.

I work from home so that’s not possible unfortunately I do get that some people love being single and that’s great, it’s just not for me I am needed by people my kids 🤣 constantly need and want things so it’s not like I’m carefree I had someone say being single is great because you can do what you want when you want but that’s not the case here when you have your kids full time I can’t do what I want when I want.

Thank you for understanding

Yeah that’s it for me as well I mean I have friends but it’s not the same sometimes something great happens and I think wow I wish I had someone to tell! Don’t want to burden friends as it’s not things they would be particularly interested in

Yes it’s crap thinking you are no one’s priority. It’s not fair because we all deserve to be someone’s priority.

But I much prefer being my own priority rather than being my ex’s bottom one.

@applejuiceisthebest have you dated since your ex?

Is it the same for men? Are they struggling to meet nice women? Or is it just women who can’t find good men out there?

no ive been single and celibate for nearly a decade.