Too much contact with colleague?

[WorkFocus]

A new colleague started in the business in another office last year, at the start of this year I was promoted to the same level so we are both relatively new in post. We are in the same role and same team and as such have to collaborate quite a lot, especially on one main project.

Since March we have interacted on WhatsApp 9 times. My DH went through my phone last night and said I am throwing myself at this guy, I always message him first and he clearly can't trust me.

I have messaged him first 5 of 9 times, however there is context;

1st time I sent him my name as we were staying in different hotels for a training course and needed to swap numbers to make arrangements for meeting up for dinner, there were other colleagues meeting us for dinner but he was the only one staying in another hotel.

2nd time we were discussing salary and we didn't want to discuss it on work channels. I am paid significantly less than him as I am not fully qualified yet, this is something I am working towards.

3rd time he sent me a picture of his office all locked up and said he will be late as he has to go back home and work from there as the office was unexpectedly closed. (We had a meeting booked early, I don't track his time keeping)

4th I sent him a picture of a horrible formula related to the studies that I am doing and he has done, he commiserated.

5th was a work related thing that was on my phone so easier to WhatsApp than email it to my work email and then forward it on to his work email.

6th he sent a video of himself drunk dancing (only non-work related exchange) we were chatting on teams catching up on the project and asked about each others weekend, he sent me the video to demonstrate how drunk he was.

7th was a screenshot, we have been interviewing together for a new team member and one of the interviewees had added him on linked in, he sent me a screenshot saying how keen the person was.

8th we were at a training event, sat separately and there was a short back and forth regarding the content on the slides.

9th I sent him a picture of my latest exam result. He is being super supportive and encouraging as these are difficult exams and he has been through it.

None of the exchanges lasted more than a few messages, there is nothing flirty or untoward in the content. No kisses at the end or anything. Not messaging into the evening or at weekends.

To add to my perspective, DH messages with female colleagues on WhatsApp too. I haven't read the messages because I don't feel any need, I don't have an issue with him speaking to colleagues male or female, it's just a normal part of life.

So am I overstepping boundaries with this guy? If I am then I will rein it in but I really don't think there is anything there for DH to be worried about and I certainly don't feel like I am throwing myself at him and desperate for his attention!

No, he's being ridiculous.

Your DH is a controlling arse and shouldn't be going through your phone, cheeky bastard. Not quite sure exactly where you're throwing yourself at anyone!

I would imagine that this isn't that only area of your life where he thinks he owns you.

Why is (D)H going through your phone?

He goes through my phone regularly, if I refuse he says that I must have something to hide.

He goes through my phone regularly, if I refuse he says that I must have something to hide.

This is not acceptable. @Ahsheeit was on the ball!

And if you go out he texts you constantly? Comments on what you wear? Accuses you of flirting if you speak to another bloke?

Let me be clear. He thinks he owns you and you should do what he says. He doesn't. He's not your superior, your boss and has no right to dictate who you speak to or how you live your life. Those decisions are yours and you have full autonomy to make them.

These are his insecurities for him to deal with, and a sad childhood doesn't mean his needs trump yours. Maybe time for you to make a bigger decision?

Well that is an issue.

Your husband is extremely controlling and trying to interfere with your job. If you lose your job you will be more dependent on him.

9 mostly work related messages is nothing.

Run. This guy is gearing up for abuse and looking for excuses to do it.

He goes through your phone cause he's got trust issues. More than likely because he is not trustworthy.

Stop allowing him access to your phone. Tell him if he doesn't trust you then he can leave, relationships generally don't worth healthily if there is no trust.

And I'd be divorcing him right there for that.

I'd consider my partner invading my privacy like that worse than cheating quite frankly.

Yes to all of the above. I know he is very controlling and insecure, he says it's because I keep breaking his trust. I have never done anything to break his trust, his trust issues are not down to my actions.

why Is checking your phone? Is he your dad? What on earth?!

Given that you know all this, can I ask why you're still with him?

He’s the one hiding- check his phone

He’s checking your phone because he thinks you are cheating. Ask to check his phone and watch his face

The consensus here is that your husband is in the wrong, that he's controlling and that he has no excuse to act that way.

Now, none of us (including you) are going to change your husbands beliefs of behaviours.
That doesn't mean you have to accept them.

I know most of the posters here are going to instantly jump to 'leave the bastard'. And although I agree, I also know it's not that simple and your head may not be in that place just yet.
So rather than telling you what the end result may or should be, maybe we can talk about some steps to take first.

What I notice from your post is that you've been conditioned by your husband to justify everything you do and provide detailed proof that all of your actions are okay. You're acting like someone who's already been proven guilty, desperately trying to show that this time it wasn't you. There is no benefit of the doubt and no matter how trustworthy you've been in the past, you never seem to build any trust.
This is his issue. Not yours. He keeps putting you in that position, but there is no law that dictates you have to let him. What happens is that your husband gets emotionally overwhelmed with anxiety or insecurity and he dumps all his emotions on you. Now they are no longer his problem to deal with, but yours.

You can give them back. You don't have to accept that role. You've been trained to bend over backwards to manage his emotions, but that's not your place nor your responsibility. What you could do, is take a deep breath, recognise that these are his emotions and therefor his problem, and keep your inner calm.
You may find this incredibly challenging. Maybe you need a therapist to help you work through this, so you don't feel the urge to jump into his emotions with him. You could learn to set very clear boundaries with him on what kind of behaviour is tolerable and what isn't. But stop engaging, stop explaining and stop proving yourself. He doesn't have to believe you.

Is this going to make him stop projecting all his trust issues onto you? No, he will most likely double down. And that's how things will probably escalate to an actual separation, unless he gets help for his trust issues and controling behaviour.

He won't get help for them as he doesn't accept that they are his issues. I am thinking back over the many, many threads I have posted over the last few years and to answer the question you ask @VimesandhisCardboardBoots , I honestly don't know.

I think I thought I could prove to him that he can trust me and it would be ok. We have had so many versions of the same row, it's always some behaviour of mine that causes his trust issues, every time I sense check here and I am told it's him. I see sense for a day or two, resolve that this time I won't put up with it and then my resolve breaks and I crumble and give in.

Why am I still going round in circles trying to prove my innocence instead of just letting it go.

There's nothing for you to prove, and you'll never be able to give him enough to stop his distrust. It's all on him to work on, and he doesn't want to. He'd rather blame you as it's easier.

Just to repeat, NOTHING you can do will change how he is.

Ok, so you know this isn't your fault. You know you're never going to change him. So where do you want to go from here? Because the only solution I can see is leaving him. You can put boundaries in place, but honestly I wouldn't trust a man like this not to escalate if he realises he's losing control of you.

So what's stopped you leaving in the past, and how can we help you actually do it this time.

So the situation goes like this;

I will be accused of something, I've had many threads about this. I defend my innocence, DH calls me all the names under the sun. Then I say right I've had enough I don't want to live like this.

DH then goes home to his own place (we don't live in the same house because of this cycle) We argue for a a week or so and then he comes round crying and I feel sorry for him and back down.

This always happens the week before my period and so it then gets written off as my hormones and the fact that he has accused me of being up to no good gets lost again.

I started taking medication last year to break this cycle and for awhile it did dull down my response to fight back against how he treats me and we didn't do the 'break up dance' but it's wearing off. I increased the does in February but here we are again.

There is no medication that you can take that will fix the fact that you are being abused by your partner.

I had therapy in 2022 & 2023 and the therapist said instead of me turning into a psycho during my hormone shift maybe I just don't have the patience to deal with him during that time.

DH says that the hormone week is the week that's not my true feelings, the therapist thinks perhaps those are my true feelings and my ability to ignore them is less and that's why it explodes.

Christ, so you're on medication just to be able to put up with his shit? You don't need more medication, you need less twat.

Please kick him out again, and keep documenting it in this thread, hopefully you'll be able to break this cycle.

Well one thing you could try, is asking him to move out...no better still tell him to move out and have no contact for at least a month.
So you can see how your hormones affect your behavior without him around.
You could tell him it's for his sake, that you "realise" your hormones are causing him issues and it's unfair on him so you think he should have a break from it....you can lie and say you'll use that month ( better still 3-4) to see how your cycle affects you and you'll use the time to get help regulating your hormones...

Then when he is out of your house/life fgs change your phone number or block him...start doing all the things I bet he stops you...like seeing friends, going to hobbies, enjoying yourself.

If he kicks off about being blocked you can ignore or say it's for his sake so your not tempted to rage at him during that "hormones week"...

I bet a month without this horrible abuser in your life and you'll be off meds and happy

In summary - he insists on going through your phone all the time. You have regular arguments that are so frequent and bad that you need therapy and medication, and you need to keep 2 separate houses. This is not what marriage, or life, should be about.
It’s not going to change or get better if you’re with him and I can’t for the life of me understand why you’re still there. You can’t change him, but you can change your life.