Too much contact with colleague?

[WorkFocus]

A new colleague started in the business in another office last year, at the start of this year I was promoted to the same level so we are both relatively new in post. We are in the same role and same team and as such have to collaborate quite a lot, especially on one main project.

Since March we have interacted on WhatsApp 9 times. My DH went through my phone last night and said I am throwing myself at this guy, I always message him first and he clearly can't trust me.

I have messaged him first 5 of 9 times, however there is context;

1st time I sent him my name as we were staying in different hotels for a training course and needed to swap numbers to make arrangements for meeting up for dinner, there were other colleagues meeting us for dinner but he was the only one staying in another hotel.

2nd time we were discussing salary and we didn't want to discuss it on work channels. I am paid significantly less than him as I am not fully qualified yet, this is something I am working towards.

3rd time he sent me a picture of his office all locked up and said he will be late as he has to go back home and work from there as the office was unexpectedly closed. (We had a meeting booked early, I don't track his time keeping)

4th I sent him a picture of a horrible formula related to the studies that I am doing and he has done, he commiserated.

5th was a work related thing that was on my phone so easier to WhatsApp than email it to my work email and then forward it on to his work email.

6th he sent a video of himself drunk dancing (only non-work related exchange) we were chatting on teams catching up on the project and asked about each others weekend, he sent me the video to demonstrate how drunk he was.

7th was a screenshot, we have been interviewing together for a new team member and one of the interviewees had added him on linked in, he sent me a screenshot saying how keen the person was.

8th we were at a training event, sat separately and there was a short back and forth regarding the content on the slides.

9th I sent him a picture of my latest exam result. He is being super supportive and encouraging as these are difficult exams and he has been through it.

None of the exchanges lasted more than a few messages, there is nothing flirty or untoward in the content. No kisses at the end or anything. Not messaging into the evening or at weekends.

To add to my perspective, DH messages with female colleagues on WhatsApp too. I haven't read the messages because I don't feel any need, I don't have an issue with him speaking to colleagues male or female, it's just a normal part of life.

So am I overstepping boundaries with this guy? If I am then I will rein it in but I really don't think there is anything there for DH to be worried about and I certainly don't feel like I am throwing myself at him and desperate for his attention!

He does message his female co workers, the hypocrisy is a huge feature, there is always one rule for him and another me.

If he was cheating I wouldn’t find anything on his phone, he managed to hide an affair in his ex for months. He is not that person anymore he says but I guess the paranoia never really goes away.

This has so far been a horrifying read, please save yourself and get away from this freak!! Discussing a hysterectomy because of your ‘moods’ what on earth!!!

OP the more I read, the more frightening this becomes. He is a nasty, controlling man. Do not let him convince you to get a hysterectomy! Get away from him now. You already have your own place, that’s great, don’t let him back, ever. Break this cycle, you can do it!

Good god this is actually terrifying.

You need to get away from him. He is completely controlling and we all know he's messaging other women which is why he's projecting his guilt on you.

You have ignored many red flags. Telling you what to wear/make up or getting in a sulk about it is a red flag to the point you should walk away!

Do you have DC? If not, chuck him in the bin immediately!! He’s a controlling asshole.

If you have DC, also separate, but sadly it’s more complicated.

That says it all. This is not a healthy relationship it is abusive and controlling. Run a mile and get rid of him 🚩🏃‍♀️

Please do not get a hysterectomy unless YOU want/need one. Belive me if he thinks your hormones are bad now, he's seen nothing!

I've been placed into medically induced menopause, I was an ACTUAL psycho! Totally fucking unhinged. Had hysterectomy and now im going through natural menopause. Not a total psycho, but not far off. It really is not a decision that should.be made by anyone but YOU. I needed.one for a multitude of reasons and it was literally the last option for me. Also, without a serious medical condition, hysterectomies are not as routinely common as they once were.

Get him out of your life while you still have one. Noone should dictate you taking medication or having major surgery. Whats he going to suggest next? Electric shock therapy?

You deserve better!

This is all so so sinister. Like those stories of wealthy families who would have their difficult wayward daughters sectioned. or the short story The Yellow Wallpaper.

This is such shocking abuse. I'm so happy to hear you've got separate homes. stop taking him nack, he doesn't have to agree to end the relationship, you can decide to end it.

This man really gives me the creeps. You don't have children together do you? In fact he really frightens me. He has one role for you and one for himself. The fact he is trying to persuade you to have a hysterectomy, oh my God it's like fucking Handmaid's Tale or the Stepford Wives.

I am so glad you don't live together. Do you share finances? Are you actually married?

Oh lovely, he is really doing a number on you. No one who calls you “an attention seeking slut” deserves to play any part in your life.

you are distracted, trying to prove your innocence to him. Thats impossible and he wants you to be distracted from the fact that he is abusing you for his own purposes.

what would you advise a friend, a sibling or a daughter to do in this situation ?

This is no way to live. Get rid and see just how great your life will be without him to drag you down. Once you get out of this relationship you will start to heal. After some time you will be able to see more clearly how deliberate his abuse is. all the very best.

Jesus Christ! It’s not often I read a thread on Mumsnet that makes me genuinely afraid for the OP.

Sweetheart you sound like you have been so ground down by this man that you don’t even understand or recognise what ‘normal’ is anymore.

The way this man treats you is not normal. It is not loving. It is not kind. It is dangerous.

I bet you often think about the person you were and wonder where she’s gone. I understand it will be hard but you shouldn’t be with this man. I understand this sounds hard but if you can just be free of him for. Few months you will gradually recalibrate and recognise that this relationship was unhealthy and he is not even a good person let alone the right man for you.

Please don’t waste your life on this man.

Christ, OP - as @Vibgyor says, I have rarely been so scared for a poster. This man is horribly abusive. You’ve been in therapy and you’re medicated to deal with him and you’ve even talked about removing your womb? Meantime, this guy picks fights with you, goes through your phone, pesters you if you’re out without him, accuses you of cheating, sets you up to fail the whole time and is generally horrible. This is coercive control. You have lost all sense of what is normal and acceptable in a relationship. You have lost all sense of your own truth because you’re not allowed to have your own life or your own feelings or your own reactions. This is a crime. Please, please find a way to get away from him. He is destroying you.

Very scary indeed.

Op - this really isn’t normal behaviour. It’s is abusive and extremely controlling, as many others have mentioned already.

I don’t often jump to LTB, but this man is beyond awful. Tracking your cycles to keep an eye on your mood (apparently) and sex, is utterly unhinged.

He is the crazy one op, and I agree that he may be projecting because his messages to colleagues are inappropriate. He knows what his relationship with colleagues he messages looks like, so assumes yours must be the same.

This man doesn’t have to learn to trust you. He never will. You as you currently are (as he’s currently making you appear), is his excuse.

I agree with pp’s, leave and never look back.

I think the next time he goes to his house tell him not to bother coming back and change the locks. He could be deliberately doing this so he can spend time with another woman the fact he looks through your phone but doesn’t offer you his things will never change get out now the fact you don’t live in just one house says a lot about your marriage. He’s a horrible abusive control man child. You are worth so much more than this.

OP please don't leave or kick him out without a safety plan in place. This man is potentially extremely dangerous and will not react well to news that the scales have fallen from your eyes in relation to his coercive controlling behaviour. If he is prepared to persuade you to be surgically mutilated with an unnecessary hysterectomy, who can say what he would do when he finds out you want to leave. Please contact Women's Aid for advice and be aware that he may be tracking your online activities so be prepared. Check for things like airtags in your car, software on your phone and fully protect yourself and any kids before you give him any indication of your intentions.

I'm glad you have realised his deliberate behaviour and you do need to leave but please be careful as this is the most dangerous stage.

Hi @WorkFocus how’s things going?