Too much contact with colleague?

[WorkFocus]

A new colleague started in the business in another office last year, at the start of this year I was promoted to the same level so we are both relatively new in post. We are in the same role and same team and as such have to collaborate quite a lot, especially on one main project.

Since March we have interacted on WhatsApp 9 times. My DH went through my phone last night and said I am throwing myself at this guy, I always message him first and he clearly can't trust me.

I have messaged him first 5 of 9 times, however there is context;

1st time I sent him my name as we were staying in different hotels for a training course and needed to swap numbers to make arrangements for meeting up for dinner, there were other colleagues meeting us for dinner but he was the only one staying in another hotel.

2nd time we were discussing salary and we didn't want to discuss it on work channels. I am paid significantly less than him as I am not fully qualified yet, this is something I am working towards.

3rd time he sent me a picture of his office all locked up and said he will be late as he has to go back home and work from there as the office was unexpectedly closed. (We had a meeting booked early, I don't track his time keeping)

4th I sent him a picture of a horrible formula related to the studies that I am doing and he has done, he commiserated.

5th was a work related thing that was on my phone so easier to WhatsApp than email it to my work email and then forward it on to his work email.

6th he sent a video of himself drunk dancing (only non-work related exchange) we were chatting on teams catching up on the project and asked about each others weekend, he sent me the video to demonstrate how drunk he was.

7th was a screenshot, we have been interviewing together for a new team member and one of the interviewees had added him on linked in, he sent me a screenshot saying how keen the person was.

8th we were at a training event, sat separately and there was a short back and forth regarding the content on the slides.

9th I sent him a picture of my latest exam result. He is being super supportive and encouraging as these are difficult exams and he has been through it.

None of the exchanges lasted more than a few messages, there is nothing flirty or untoward in the content. No kisses at the end or anything. Not messaging into the evening or at weekends.

To add to my perspective, DH messages with female colleagues on WhatsApp too. I haven't read the messages because I don't feel any need, I don't have an issue with him speaking to colleagues male or female, it's just a normal part of life.

So am I overstepping boundaries with this guy? If I am then I will rein it in but I really don't think there is anything there for DH to be worried about and I certainly don't feel like I am throwing myself at him and desperate for his attention!

I keep trying to answer that question and I can't except for the fact I feel stuck because once again it is this week and if I try to take action he won't listen and it will all be down to my hormones.

I don't know if he is right and it is my hormones making me push him away but how do My hormones make HIM go through my phone. How do My hormones make him call me an attention seeking little slut chasing after other men.

I feel so numb and weak.

"how do My hormones make HIM go through my phone"

Because he's keeping track of when your period is due, and engineering arguments to fall when he has the opportunity to blame it on you.

That's how complete his control is, he's even controlling the timing of your arguments to keep you off balance.

Exactly!!! Stop taking him back op, he’s a twat, a complete cunt if you will. You will be so so SO much happier without him. I promise.

You know that he’s not right! Really, it’s not you, where you’re at with him is seriously unhealthy. Repeat again and again ‘it’s not me!’ You need to be happier than this. Letting him back and knowing it’s just going to be bad again later, is just going to grind you down until you can’t see straight any more.

I had never considered that - do you really think that could be the case?

He keeps a little note in his diary to track how my moods have been and whether we have had sex or not. He says that's how he has noticed the pattern of when my 'bad week' is. Sometimes it seems that every week is my bad week, if I raise things with him outside of the bad week then it must have moved for some reason or it's because I am stressed or maybe I missed a tablet. I am never actually allowed to own how I feel unless it is positive.

That is such a scary thought, that he is doing it on purpose. It is always him that starts a row at this time, I am looking at someone in the gym or wearing something he doesn't approve of, more make up than usual or being off with him.

He tells me that I am crazy, a psycho that needs medicating and don't know how to be in a proper relationship. The thought that he is actually engineering this feels like it is going to swallow me.

The only times I've caught partners cheating has been by snooping on their phone so I see an occasional snoop as a way to protect myself. All this trust, well yeah of course you trust them if they're hiding it well enough.

From the messages received the only one I'd be a bit hmm about is the one of him sending a video of himself drunk. Texting on personal phones is how a lot of emotional affairs start. Just the odd message here and there and before you know it one or both are obsessing over each other and missing each others texts.

First poster, as always, is right.

Oh my gosh, OP, this is nuts. He is crazy.

Without a doubt. He wouldn't even need to be "keeping track" of it. I can pretty much tell when DP is due on just from how she is on a day to day basis. Tiredness levels, how much she's snacking, whether she's been an absolute klutz today (2 days before every period, she drops absolutely everything. It's frankly amazing).

When you live with someone for that long, you just get a sense of their rhythms, its almost unconcious. Personally, I just use it as an opportunity to suggest getting a Domino's (she's so much more likely to say yes in the week before her period). But were I so inclined, I could very easily use it to engineer an argument, or to take advantage of the fact you're knackered and won't fight back to suggest I go through your phone.

Hell, it doesn't even sound like he needs keep track at all. As you said, sometimes it seems like every week is your "bad week". He's even trying to dictate your own biological cycle to you.

That just makes it sound very deliberate. I think I have been putting up with it because I believed he couldn't help it and that when he realised he could trust me it would get better. Then something always comes up, some innocent every day behaviour that he twists into me being untrustworthy and we are right back at square one.

I had the therapy he said I needed, I take the medication, I have been on the pill and off the pill as and when he decided it will help or won't. We have even talked about having a hysterectomy to solve my mood swings.

JFC, it's deliberate. It is definitely deliberate.

Jesus wept, I wouldn't just leave him, I'd run him over! (For legal reasons, this is a joke.)

The mood swings don't exist.

You're not getting angry, or upset, or depressed because of your hormones, your contraception, your uterus.

You're getting angry, upset, depressed because the man you love is choosing to provoke you into these emotions. He wants you to feel these things, he wants you to be unhappy, because you're easier to control that way. If he can make you believe you're batshit crazy, then you're less likely to see him for who he truly is.

You'll be amazed how happy you could be if you never saw him again.

You are making a lot of sense, it's a lot to get my head round that he might actually be doing this on purpose.

I know he always starts a row at this time and I have been so confused about it. I thought perhaps I was being distant or less affectionate and that is what would make him insecure and start making accusations. I tried to track it to see if he is always like that and I just react differently this week. I honestly have gone over it so many times, how MY hormones make HIM act up. I never once in all those musings thought it might be on purpose to add fuel to his - your crazy argument.

The thing to realise though is that it doesn't matter how you react. What matters is the behaviour that's causing the reactions is not OK.

Him demanding access to you phone? Not OK. Texting constantly if you dare to go out? Not OK. Controlling what you wear? Not OK. Accusing you of flirting if you dare to speak to another man? Not OK.

These are not acceptable behaviours from him. The appropriate reaction to these behaviours is to shout, and argue, and get upset, and to leave him. You doing those things isn't you being hormonal, or crazy, or hysterical. He is being abusive, and you are reacting to that abuse in a way anyone would.

Thank you @VimesandhisCardboardBoots you are being really helpful, I am looking at it very differently. I am going to take a bit of time to process what you have said.

We have even talked about having a hysterectomy to solve my mood swings

Please get away from him now, this is off the scale. Please please please remember it’s him, it’s not you. Even if you did agree to this, do you think he’d stop checking your phone, shouting abuse at you??

Maybe he should consider castration? See if it reduces his control and jealousy issues.

I am seriously scared for you at this point, you have been manipulated and gaslighted so much already. You shouldn’t even try to discuss with him, it will get turned round to all being your fault and why you need more meds and therapy, he’s such a saint for helping you, putting up with this.

You are married to an irredeemable horror of a man.

Nothing you are doing is U. But your H is bloody awful & you should not be treated this way.

LTB. You will be so much happier if you LTB.

It's not your hormones
It's him, and yes, it's all deliberate. If you're not enough for him being your true self, you never will be, and it's not because you're lacking in any way, it's all on him. His issues, not yours. I'm really glad that you don't live together. Please do have a really good think about this. If you love someone, you don't want to control them, treat them like a possession, criticise and put them down, you want to care for them, respect them, listen to them, communicate in an adult way, without them being too scared to voice their feelings.

You can do so much better than this. A phrase often touted on here that is so true, is that women are not rehab for damaged men.

Only time my husband ever checked my phone was when he was cheating. It’s text book. I’d check his phone.

But putting aside the fact I think this is classic transference, he is a horrible, controlling, manipulative, abusive bully.

You live one life OP, and it’s precious, way too precious to spend on nasty individuals like this.

you deserve so much better OP.
As you already live separately could you not just change the locks and say seeyabye!?

@WorkFocus in the divorce thread there is a woman whose husband made her go on medication because he convinced her that there was something wrong with her and her mood. He was cheating on her I think but anyway partners are supposed to support you not make you feel terrible.

I wouldn’t bother explaining

How would you react if it was him messaging a female worker

@WorkFocus Do you think he could be projecting? He’s cheating so constantly accuses you. And chooses a time that makes it seem like you are the problem?

I would be saying that the messages with the colleague are appropriate in your eyes so you would like to see his messages to check if his interactions are similar so you can compare. Then ask him to hand over his phone then and there.

You said you have never felt the need to look at his phone but could it actually be you are terrified to because you know he won’t let you and it will blow up. And the reason he won’t let you is because he is 100% doing worse.