‘I love you but I don’t like you’

[cloudydays5]

This is something my dad regularly said to me as a child, teenager and into young adult. I can’t fully explain how this made and makes me feel, but he labelled me as various negative things when I was a child (difficult, naughty, a trouble maker, manipulative) and it stuck. It’s affected my self esteem even though I’m in my 30s now. I feel I’m a bad person and don’t deserve good things to happen to me.

I keep my distance from him and I don’t want to give him an excuse to bad mouth me (he turned some family members against me growing up) but he is with my mum so distancing from him inevitably affects my relationship with her.

Is there anyone who has had a similar situation or advice on how to deal with this without it getting me down too much.

Your dad is a nasty piece of work OP.

It never fails to amaze me how people bring children into this world and proceed to casually undermine them and damage them by instilling in them lack of self worth and self value. That's what negativity and criticism does to a child growing up.

Have you had counselling OP?
I found when I had CBT and we worked through how my father and mother's lack of love and emotional neglect had affected me it helped me to a certain extent.

He was a horrible, nasty, inadequate father. He failed. He failed you. Work on self love. Can you find a way to meet your mum for lunch etc?

P.s. I agree therapy would be a great place to figure out your feelings about this and reclaim your self worth and self love.

I had to go low contact with my parents because of my dad’s behaviour like this.It took me 20 years to realise none of it was/is my fault.

It was emotional and verbal abuse;I’ve learned since becoming a parent that a parent can love their child unconditionally and they should.The issue is my narcissistic asshole of a father.

I had the exact same thing said to me as a child and yes it sticks with you doesn't it?! Constant criticism and judgement really chips away at you until your self esteem is through the floor. The only thing I have found that has helped me is realising that other people's opinions of me are just that... Opinions. And if those that are meant to be closest to us are determined to see only us through a negative lens then that's on them, let them get on with it and surround yourself instead with people who truly see you and appreciate you.

I'm so sorry OP. My mum used to say this to me too sometimes and it was fucking awful. I genuinely think she thought this was a fair way to try and correct my behaviour but it caused me serious grief and really affected my self esteem. I also struggle with feelings of being unlikeable and unworthy as an adult.

I don't have any advice as I'm struggling with this too but just wanted to share sympathy. You didn't deserve it, no child should hear this from their parent.

Wow I'm surprised and also heartened by the replies. My mum used to say similar. Her other favourite was 'i dont regret having you, but i regret having children'. Very confusing for a child. Anyway, solidarity..its hard x

My mum said that to me a lot. I think it must have been considered progressive parenting in the 80s. I was also labelled as difficult when the truth was that parents found my (quite normal) emotional responses inconvenient.

I have a very surface relationship with her now (my dad is dead). I make a very conscious effort to tell my daughter what I like about her as well as how much I love her. We talk about emotions as part of being human, as are making mistakes etc.

My mum used to say that to me. I didn't understand, I was only a child, but I've never forgotten the hurt and I'm 60 now. My parents really did a number on my self-esteem growing up. They remind me often that I was, and still am, 'difficult'. I know I'm not, the people around me now certainly don't think so. My parents don't understand why I am very low contact with them; they are very elderly now but it's their loss.

I do remember reading this being touted as a “parenting skill” in Sunday newspapers in the 80s/90s! A way of saying you love your child but not their behaviour. It is meant to be “I don’t like this behaviour/don’t like you right now/don’t like it when you do this”, not that you don’t like the child full stop.

It was meant to be an improvement on “you fucking little shit! Look what you’ve done!” from 70s parents.

(I was not a parent then and have never said it, I just remember reading the articles)

My mum used to say this to me and I'll never forget the shitty smug look on her face when she did, she obviously thought she was being really clever.
She's very much the type to start 'woe is me I'm just the worse person ever' at the first sign of any criticism so when I asked her as an adult how she would feel if someone told her to her face they didn't like her she was unable to answer.

My mum used to say similar to me! She say she loves me because I'm her daughter but she doesn't always like me. She seems to think it's an amazing thing an truly insightful parent would say. I have explained to her that it tells a child is they are unlikeable and they are only really loved as you have to love your child. I think what she meant was a love you but I do not like your behaviour.

I am in my 40s and still get suspicious and uncomfortable when I am paid a compliment as all I heard growing up was criticism and blame.

My mum used to say this to me. I’m 58 and think (confirmed by pps above) that it was promoted as a valid parenting technique. If it had been “…but I don’t like that behaviour” it would have been so much less damaging. As it was I believed myself to be unlikeable and almost expected myself to have difficulty making friends as a result. I’ll never forget the feeling of shock when I realised that wasn’t the case.

It came across slightly as “I love you because I’m such a wonderful, selfless person” too.

Coupled with comparing me with others (“Julie Payne would offer to help straight away!”) and regular teasing about my appearance “so you don’t get big-headed!” no wonder I spent a lot of my childhood and adolescence shy and anxious!

Agree with others I think it SHOULD have been “I love you, but I don’t like your behaviour”, and that would have made more sense and been a lot less harmful to children. It’s absolutely okay and normal to dislike your child behaving badly, and to tell your child that, but the “I don’t like YOU” is unnecessary and as others say, confusing for a child.

You’re not alone Op. My mother said it constantly to me for no reason at all.

I’ve come to terms with it by rationalising that I hurt/irritated/infuriated my mother by being her child, as children can often create those feelings, and it was her inability to deal with her own emotions that led her to be emotionally, verbally and physically abusive.

Being a parent myself also helps me understand because I’ve been “touched out” more times than I can count and snapped when I shouldn’t have because I also can’t always emotionally regulate either, most of us can’t all the time.

Though some people are cruel and behave that way for no reason other than it satisfies them. If you are one of those unfortunate people who’ve had to suffer a cruel parent, I’m sorry. Just know it’s not your fault and they’d have done it no matter how you’d have behaved.

It’s a horrible thing to say because the ‘good’ part of this statement (‘I love you’) gaslights you into feeling like the ‘bad’ part (‘but I don’t like you’) shouldn’t hurt. It also makes loving seem like a duty, and almost tries to get the person saying it off the hook for being a nasty bully.
I’d be limiting contact with dad and meeting up with mum without him if you can. Don’t let him damage your mental health any more than he already has.

I had this as well and I never realised how much it undermined my confidence in my parents' love until I was an adult.

I also have a visceral reaction to 'There was a little girl who had a little curl, right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good she was very very good, but when she was bad she was horrid.' This was often trotted out in my presence and made me hate myself and my hair - such an efficient twofer! 🙄

My parents have both said this to me as a teen but tbf I wasn’t very nice so I totally understand. It’s a horrible thing to say to a child though.

The same happened to me. And the constant criticism continued into adulthood. I had therapy which taught me that I needed to protect myself, my feelings and my children from his behaviour. After a family falling out I am now NC with him and I don't regret it at all. I still have the occasional feeling of worthlessness and I am a massive people pleaser, but life is so much better now

My dad said this to me not long ago, in a fit of rage because I wasn't doing what he wanted. He's 92 now, and I'm nearly 60. All my life I've had sneering put downs, nastiness, criticism, and it's only in the last few years I decided I'd had enough and realised i didn't owe him unconditional care now that he's older ( thanks Mumsnet!!). I've had low self esteem and zero confidence thanks to my parents, and was bullied and in an abusive relationship as a result. It's only now that I'm putting myself first, hence the outburst from my dad "I love you but I don't like you!!" He never showed signs of loving me either. My parents both thought that I ( and my sisters) would be their carers, and treated me with disdain. I think my problem was not being born a boy. My mum actually said one day ( when me & DH had taken them for a day out) "Oh, I'd have been happy if I'd had a boy".

When I called my dad out on his treatment of me he's had that smug look on his face, as if he's happy he's upset me. I've seen him deliberately exclude me from something at a small family meeting, then furtively look to see if I was upset. I could write a book on the spiteful things my parents did, I'm just glad I'm out of the fog of accepting their behaviour. Another family gathering and my mum made a cup of tea for everyone but forgot me; I was single at the time, my sisters were there with their husbands & children, I obviously didn't have the same value. And my niece ( about 7 ) slamming a door in a temper and hitting me with it, and my mum just laughing. I wouldn't tolerate it now. Mum died a while ago but dad has got worse in his attitude to me, so I keep my distance, which makes him more angry.

I think many parents might dislike their DC behaviour at times (and equally in return, DC their DPs). I know I have had to bite my tongue when the DC were particularly being particularly difficult and frustrating toddlers/teenagers. But we have to try to overcome it and help them through the difficult phase. To actively voice dislike in anger to a DC will cut them to the quick and persistent negging and verbal "cutting down to size" impacts not only a DCs self confidence but their relationships as they mature. We do have someone in our family who was not a supportive parent (probably learned from their own upbringing) and now their adult DC are unsurprisingly VLC. They often moan to me that they never hear from their DC - no self awareness of their role in the family dynamics at all.

Same. Both of these. WTAF is that "there was a little girl" thing. It's still in my head a lot. When she was bad, she was horrid.

Who says that to their child?

Both of them might have been easier to handle / manage if my parents had shown me love (in ways I understood) as a child but as it was the only time I heard that they loved me was in the context of "but I don't like you."

It's interesting how many of us were on the receiving end of this and are somewhat scarred by it.

My mum also used to say this rhyme to me all the time! It's so strange now to think that this was an acceptable way to speak to a child.

I'm reading a lot of Enid Blyton at the moment to my daughter (she loves the stories) but we have to stop every so often and talk about why we don't say certain things now. There's a lot of judgement about character rather than behaviour and I think that has now changed.

I won’t go into the horrors of my childhood or the string of awful relationships I had …

But my best piece of advice would be to get therapy.

You’re non of those things and a professional can help you work through all those things.