‘I love you but I don’t like you’

[cloudydays5]

This is something my dad regularly said to me as a child, teenager and into young adult. I can’t fully explain how this made and makes me feel, but he labelled me as various negative things when I was a child (difficult, naughty, a trouble maker, manipulative) and it stuck. It’s affected my self esteem even though I’m in my 30s now. I feel I’m a bad person and don’t deserve good things to happen to me.

I keep my distance from him and I don’t want to give him an excuse to bad mouth me (he turned some family members against me growing up) but he is with my mum so distancing from him inevitably affects my relationship with her.

Is there anyone who has had a similar situation or advice on how to deal with this without it getting me down too much.

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This happened to me growing up and it really did make me feel horrible.

What really helped was reading about all the other people whose parents said the same thing to them. I actually laughed.

It sounds weird but it made me understand that I Wasn’t unlikable and that I wasn’t horrible. It just clicked that this was a common abusive tactic to control and hurt me.

I felt a little bit free from the whole situation. Knowing that it was my mother who had the problem, not me.

This is partly why I'm skeptical of any parenting "expert" advice that gives you scripts for what to say to your child.

My MIL always says this about my DH from when he was a teenager, it makes him feel like shit but she's absolutely clueless it bothers him. Could it be worth having a direct chat with him about his problem? Or put your feelings into a letter to him? What does your mum say about it?

I overheard my father telling my MIL this on my wedding day.

My mum said exactly the same thing to me (mainly during teenage years) and seeing your post was like being punched in the stomach. I’ve carried it with me throughout life (I’m 45 now) and still feel she doesn’t like me. I mentioned it to her recently after she made yet another snide remark. This was just after I had given her a lift as well (I’m the only driver nearby so I’m regularly on taxi duty). She just laughed and said I was an awful teenager so no wonder she didn’t like me and was amazed I’d remembered it. All I can say is that and similar comments have shown me how NOT parent my own kids. Solidarity with you and everyone else who carries this horrible thought round in their heads. Remember - we were kids, it wasn’t our fault!

I had this too, mainly from my Mum who passed away in my 20’s. As an adult I have suffered with low self esteem & confidence but I never really thought about it & where the low self esteem came from. It seems like it was the norm back then.

I've heard parents say this too in past decades. I too think it was considered wise parenting advice.

But I remember thinking it was a bloody horrible thing to say to a child. Even before I had children, the idea of telling a child you don't like them, that your liking of them is contingent on 'good' behaviour, was an absolutely horrible message to give to a child. And now, I have children I see that even more clearly.

OP, your dad was even more of an epic arse. I hope you can find a way to heal. I hope someone on this thread can suggest the right type of therapy that may help you.

I had these said, but luckily I know it was only when I was being a pain in the arse. It was very much a thing of the time. I also used to get the odd smack.
This was very different from my parents upbringing there's had been incredibly cold and violent. Mine had an undercurrent of love with occasional flare ups. If you didn't have that undercurrent of love I think it's very hard.

I'm sorry he also tried to turn people against you, Dads should have your back.

I was also given messages like this throughout my childhood. It massively affected me and I've suffered from low self esteem and anxiety for most of my life. It made me a better parent though. I've never said anything like this to my own daughter, only that I Iove her and I'm proud of her.

So many wise reflections on this thread, thank you previous posters.

I put my parents on an information diet a long time ago but let me guard slip when my dad was literally on his death bed.

Showed him some pictures from my work, tangentially related to his profession, could have been a sweet bonding moment. No, he even managed to summon up some vitriol through the pain. Amazing.

My parents, like others, think they are so clever with this gotcha. It's actually a dirty trick.
It made the lack of tears and grieving easier for my dad and I feel no need to protect his legacy. I just say he wasn't a particularly nice man and yes I do know all the history that got him to that point.
I have a duty relationship with my mum that's all.
Be honest with your friends, colleagues, complete strangers. Say out loud 'my parents weren't cut out to be good parents, below average in kindness' something like that voiced really starts to help.

Time to shut your old man up. If he calls you those things, just tell him that it makes the two of you and that you took after him 😆
What does his opinion count now? You are his equal now, probably even his superior. Tell him you are perfect the way you are and he can piss off.

My parents never openly said they didn't like me, but there was a very strong undercurrent of 'We love you and only want the very best for you, but you are a disappointment to us'.
When I got my O'level results, all my friends' parents were congratulatory towards them, even for mediocre results, and all I got (for my clutch of As and Bs) was a disdainful "Well the O in O'level means Ordinary so everyone should be able to pass those".

My mum said the same i love you but i dont have to like you i said like wise but your un important to me.

Over the years i hear many people say it i love him her them dearly but i dont like them.

I always thought it was supposed to be "I love you but I don't like your behaviour / the way you're acting right now". I think it was promoted in the 70s as a thing to say to your child to make them sure of your love, even in a time when you're telling them off because of something they've done.

What a shame that so many parents used it to tell their DCs they were unlikeable.

My mum used it with I will always love you ( what a great parent I am) but I don't always like you (wanting to shop in Chelsea Girl (slutty) rather than M&S)

My mum said this, fairly frequently. Also said how she knew she had to have my sister and brother as she wouldn't have dealt with just me. I'm late diagnosed ADHD and refuse to tell her as I don't want to deal with her refuting it and her parental oversight. I think she was fairly damaged - didn't go to her own mother's funeral etc, so I try to give her some credit but not much. I had my son at 38 and I utterly adore him and even when he tests me I am so careful with what I say..... because of her, so I just see the positive that I'm a better parent because of it.

I'm so sorry your dad said this to you, it's hard to figure it out, I'd be really interested if you do get therapy and if it's useful.

I think they do love us, they just really struggled and as parents they should have sucked it up a bit more. I have no answers but please know you are indeed very likeable and worthy of all the good things in life, truly.

I could have written this myself!!!

Its horrendous. I'm mid 30s now and finally starting to realise (as first time mummy myself) that I was not the problem.

My girl will never hear then words "I don't like you" from me or DH. Yes, some days she is beyond any reasonings, but shes a child! Its on me to just be there and not react negatively to her tough emotions. Its on me to teach her its ok to feel things. Its on my to guide her on how to channel those feelings without poor behaviour.

Yep, me too. Never heard the ‘I love you’ part in isolation, only ever followed with ‘but I don’t like you’. So I just didn’t believe the first part of the statement at all. I still don’t really believe it’s possible to love someone without liking them.

The last time my mother said it to me was in the last line of an email she sent to me after I went NC. The rest of the email was a big long list of how she had never done anything wrong and why it was all my fault that we had a poor relationship. Quite how that was supposed to convince me to resume contact I don’t know. But the last line was what really set me free. You don’t like me? Well, I don’t like you! So that’s that!

I had this as well. It was '80s parenting "at its finest". It has instilled a sense of low self worth, destructive behaviours and... no matter how much therapy I have done, an innate sense of self-hatred.

My dad would say this to me too, not even in the heat of the moment or if I was being a horror (which I never was, he was a weekend dad and made very little effort with me. Visits were spent putting the tv on for me while he hung out with my brother).
no surprises here that I’m NC with him. He hated my mum and viewed me as an extension of her.

My parents used to say this to me regularly, too. I was a drama queen and manipulative plus more.
My dad still tries to put me down but it bounces right off me as I’ve worked very hard on myself and it genuinely doesn’t affect me anymore. I pity him when he tries to hurt me and think it’s sad that he hasn’t evolved.

The day I left home my mother said
I have to love because your my son
but I don’t have to like you

i can’t have any feelings for her, I never cried when she died or had any feelings at her funeral

As an adult I was told this and no longer speak to her.

I'm so sorry you had that woman as your mother.