How many of you have a partner- spouse who still sees an ex( no shared children or financial ties)?

[ProperLavs]

I was just wondering how common it is. If your partner is friends with an ex and sees them alone occasionally how do you feel about that? Have you been introduced etc? Trying to work out if I am being unreasonable in being uncomfortable .

I have the same situation. He says they are great friends and he has no other feelings for her. I think it's a tough one tbh. I have to trust him though, and do. But it still stings a little.

But previously I was friends with exes and once
It's over, I can be friends with them. No other feelings there.

I have never met her- not once in 6.5 years. Yesterday she invited him to the opera and a picnic and he went. He is adamant that she is an old friend and that neither have any romantic feelings.
when we first started seeing each other he was always referencing her- I asked him to stop. He gets very angry if I express disquiet about it. He says I am unreasonable and need counselling.

DH is friends with his ex. We’ve been together 26 years - he was with her since they were 17. They shared lives a long time (we got together later in life) He’s been to her parents’ funerals and she’s been to his. It’s fine, no problem at all.

Mine was. They were meeting up for dinner after work regularly, one on one. And they were in close texting contact. They were also still sharing a car and he was occasionally helping her out, for example driving her to the vet when her cat was sick.

I was really uncomfortable about it so I asked him to stop and he did, eventually. It was really hard, we nearly broke up over it. I accepted that I was being unreasonable to some extent as I did trust him, didn’t suspect he was cheating. I just couldn’t cope with it emotionally so it became a hard line for me. There was a lot of back and forth before then as was insisting everything was fine and I was trying to believe that and get over my worries, but I failed to. If he insisted on maintaining the friendship I would have accepted it and left him.

I'm still in occasional contact with exH and we get on well. I'm also friends with his now wife. They used to live locally and I'd see them fairly regularly. They moved away though, so now it is really only on FB.

I am a partner who still sees my ex. Our relationship failed as we should have just been friends in the first place. We have met up independently, and ex has met up with me and DP and our DC.

However, had DP been uncomfortable with this we wouldn't have done it, as I think it's a very reasonable thing to be uncomfortable about. I think seeing how we interact together, and the two of them getting on well, has meant DP thinks of ex as a family friend rather than my ex.

Yesterday he got very angry and shouted at me when I said had basically been asked out on date with her. She is single. He said he would not see her but he was really angry- he is normally very quiet - for such a supposed old and great friend she has never showed any interest in meeting me and he has never asked me to meet her .
i told him i would never do something like that to him- he says he would be quite happy if I occasionally chose to go out with my exes/.
I wish he would go to the opera and have a picnic with me- our time is spent shopping and chores. I have said that I would like to go out with him to do something nice like that/

Not me but my DD, she got engaged to a very nice lad, was engaged for 4 months before confessing she only said yes because she didn’t want to hurt him, and actually she had been feeling for sometime that they were best friends and no more. it broke his heart, but he excepted that and would do anything just to stay in her life. It was very upsetting for all involved, I still find it hard because I honestly love him too, but at least she was honest and I admire that in her and have tried to support both of them.

move on 18 months, she is now in a new relationship. BF1 is finding it so hard but smiling and trying to except, BF2 is as jealous as hell, can’t and won’t except it. My DD is torn between them, it’s putting so much pressure on her new relationship I tbh I’m not sure it will last through this. But my DD is adamant she loves BF1 just not “in love” with him.

I keep telling her that she’s not being fair to either of them, BF2 has every right to feel threatened and BF1 isn’t making any effort to move on just taking anything she will give him. She doesn’t see that she says they both need to except the situation she can’t help it it is what it is. I can’t help she’s being very selfish, but she’s my daughter so 🤷🏼‍♀️

On here, people do seem to have lots of issues with it.

I'm friends with all my exes, because all my relationships start from and are based on friendship, so if I liked them enough to date them, then even if it turns out we aren't compatible, I will still like their company. And neither they nor I are arseholes, so the relationships haven't ended for negative reasons like cheating or abuse that would destroy a friendship.

I still go out to dinners and 121 events/socialising with them all. And to me it's a green flag if my partner also does with his exes. I don't want to date someone who has behaved negatively to previous partners, or who becomes bitter and angry at the end of a relationship (unless there is, exceptionally, a good reason for that).

And if there are trust issues in a relationship, that's what I think people ought to work on, rather than issuing bans or getting upset about it. If you feel adequately secure in the relationship, people meeting exes isn't threatening.
But I'm aware lots of people see things differently.

I’m friends with an ex, we meet a few times a year for a drink and a catch up. All above board

Ah, it looks like the bigger issue is he's not making an effort to do special things with you?
I think even if she just a friend rather than an ex, him doing special things with her, and just domestic stuff with you, would be very unfair and worth a conversation. Her being his ex definitely makes it worse too.
I think you need to talk to him and make it clear it's not fair to let her be his fun special friend, and you the person he just goes to Tesco with.
If he wants to maintain his friendship with her, he needs to maintain his romantic relationship with you first. You should be his first choice for 'dates' If he doesn't see that and agree to make an effort, he's definitely doing wrong.

I am and he is.

It’s strange you haven’t met though

I used to get stressed about this sort of thing but jealousy and lack of trust is much more damaging to a relationship than a friendship with an ex. I’m good friends with one ex and we meet up occasionally to catch up about our families etc as we were together for years. Are you jealous of him seeing his friends without you too? Try not to be. It’s much healthier to have time together and apart.

If it was all platonic then he would have made sure you and she were introduced to each other.
As it is their relationship - going on what are ostensibly dates - appears very much still a bf/ gf one.
The fact he gets angry because you aren't happy with this set up I.e. him having 2 women in his life ,shows maintaining this relationship is more important than your feelings.
You can't make him stop having a relationship with her. Imo either he agrees to take steps to introduce you to this woman or you reconsider whether you want to stay in a relationship where another woman is so important to him.

I wouldn’t be happy with my husband going on dates with an ex when he won’t do anything fun with me. I don’t blame you OP and I wouldn’t put up with it, however I wouldn’t have been ok with it 6.5 years ago never mind now. It’s even worse that you’ve never met.

Thanks for all your thoughts. I wanted to know do I was being some sort of crazy woman. It feels so underhand- like why, in all this time, has he never introduced us? It’s like he wants us both separate.
He has form for doing fun things with other woman- whether with her or colleagues from work/ They are nurses and organise fun outings . He is the token male/ I know nothing funny is going on there but it makes me sad that he can find the time and energy to go and have brunch with them and then go for a few drinks. Last time one of them put it all up on Facebook- it made me really sad.
He doesn’t want to do anything like that with me.

No- in 6.5 years I have never met her. He has never organised that or shown me to her as his partner. I have no idea what they are like when they are together. I don’t even know what she looks like.

We both do! I just figure if they wanted to be together, they would. I’m completely uninterested in any of my ex’s so why wouldn’t it be the same 🤷‍♀️

Yes, an ex who regularly spoke on the phone with his previous partner. In same line of work, had been together 5 years before me, etc. He said she was very needy, didn't have many friends of her own... yes readers, he was still shagging her. She was now his side piece and wanted to be his main piece again. I left them to it to get on with it. He didn't end up with her. He married some other poor sucker. But he is a textbook womaniser, many women on the go, so I hope she gets regular STD tests.

I have an ex I am still friends with. I’ve been with Dh for 17 years so this is like from 20 years ago.

Me personally, I would never see him alone. If there is anything we needed to talk about, we could message each other. But meeting up would be strictly a couples thing. Practically speaking, it wouldn’t actually happen as we live in different countries now. He’s a decent guy and Dh and I went to his wedding and actually I’m friends with his wife, but there’s no need for us to go to dinner one-to-one. Everything is very aboveboard.

I think the issue is she feels hidden/you've not met her. I hang out with exes still and regularly keep in contact. We have the same hobbies. Wouldn't ever hide them, and haven't, from partner. I find that the odd part out of it all.

So my instincts that this is something I am ok to feel unsettled about .
it is his reaction that upsets me the most. He is absolutely FURIOUS that I am unhappy with him seeing her alone- it eats away at him. He feels I am utterly unreasonable. That they are really good friends and it is awful of me to be unhappy about their relationship. He is vehemently defending his right to have her as a friend . He cannot see AT ALL why I might be upset . There is no reassurance- just anger.
There is a lot for me to think about here. She is moving to a different part of the country soon- mind you she was supposed to have moved away somewhere else years ago and that didn’t happen.
a few months ago when he was in annual leave he ( booked 2 days off to catch up with house stuff- so didn’t have time for me and him to go out- it was strictly head down and get the work done- one one of those days he went over to her house because she said her sister was visiting- so they all had a nice cosy catch up for a few hours. This was on a day he told me he didn’t have time for lunch etc because he was busy- yet he found time for that. I was fucking livid.

Yeah all that sounds really annoying tbh. When I asked my partner about his ex, he reassured me that I was his main priority. And he does lovely things with me all the time. Yours sounds unpleasant, I have to say.

Of course he says that you’re unreasonable and need counselling- I don’t think you are especially having read your update where you say that you never go out and do stuff together - it makes what they did feel more like a date
if it bothers you then it’s a problem, isn’t it?