How many of you have a partner- spouse who still sees an ex( no shared children or financial ties)?

[ProperLavs]

I was just wondering how common it is. If your partner is friends with an ex and sees them alone occasionally how do you feel about that? Have you been introduced etc? Trying to work out if I am being unreasonable in being uncomfortable .

To me it seems like the moment she expresses a wish to resurrect a relationship with him you are getting dumped.
Especially with children involved, find your anger and dignity and leave x 💐

You make a valid point. Luckily there are no children involved.

I asked him yesterday, when we were arguing, why he had never let me meet her or invited me along when she arranged for them to do something. He said it was because I had expressed that I was uncomfortable hearing him reference her when we first started seeing each other. I didn’t want to be hearing her name.
i don’t believe there is anything more than an emotional attachment- still not good though- I know that.

I have to admit my relationship is still on shaky ground due to his friendship . My dp would probably say the same as yours about why he didn’t introduce us sooner, we have argued over it , but I don’t feel their friendship is normal and I’d honestly be even more suspicious if he had such a close relationship with a man . It’s made me keep him at arms length but as I don’t want to cohabit with a man again i’m just seeing how it goes for now .

Wouldn't sit right with me, everyone has a different view and I can see some replies saying they do the same.

Its down to what you think and your boundaries in your relationship.
I find it strange that you've never met her in 6 years if they have such a good friendship and there's nothing in it.

I'm still friends with an ex, he's a really nice man (we were a hideous partner match!), we meet up a couple of times a year for a coffee, text occasionally. Each time we meet, I'm fairly certain we both have the same thought process afterwards, which is something like 'oh, that was a really nice afternoon, StinkerTroll / ex is just lovely, but dear god!! What was i thinking!!' My husband has meet him on several occasions and has no issues with him that he's ever shared with me.

You shouldn't date a man who's angry, shouts at you and refuses to actually date you.

You don't live with him, What's the point of having him around as a boyfriend? He's meant to be improving your life and bringing you peace.

Op, please find your anger and if you need someone to tell you ' this is not ok', then take it from a stranger, it's really not ok. He has no respect for you at all - if he did he would invite you to their innocent dates and it wouldn't be something for you to worry about. Put your foot down, shape up or ship out. From what you've said about his behaviour, I think he'll take the second option and turn it around on you for being " controlling". Do not listen, and be prepared to end it. You deserve to be someone's priority, not merely an option.

I am really sad.
we had this huge stand up argument about her yesterday where he said we were done . I just got panicked and asked him not to leave/
today he said he didn’t mean what he said.
he hasn’t bothered to contact or reassure me at any lint today. He has also not said sorry for how his behaviour has made me feel.
He never wants to go anywhere or do anything with me but sit and watch tv and do diy.
We see each other about 4 nights a week. I would rather sit and chat over dinner and a bottle of wine. He just wants to zone out.
He is on anti depressants having had untreated depression for much of our relationship.
I don’t like watching tv much.
I am frightened of being on my own.
I also know that the situation has been intolerable for some time now
I am 57 and not getting any younger 🙁

But he a depressed man who wants to 'zone out' and who shouts at you when he's not zoning out doesn't sound as if he's adding anything at all to your life, rather the reverse. You say you'd like someone to go on a picnic and to the opera with -- he's not that person. Quite apart from his relationship with his ex.

I'm quite good friends with an ex from aeons ago, and have other male friends, DH also has female friends. Works for us both.

And I have lost so much confidence since being with him.
He does lots of kindnesses for me- lots of help with diy diy, but he is un affectionate physically and doesn’t say nice things about how I look how he feels about me. He will say ‘Love you’ but only at the end of phone calls- my daughter and I do the same.
I just find myself angry and resentful with him most of the time.
Thanks for letting me get this out. I haven’t got anyone IRL I can brain dump on.

I hope it helps. Because are you really saying that this relationship is better than nothing? Just because of DIY and occasional 'Love you' on the phone? Neither DH nor I are remotely handy. We just hire people when we need them.

That's not a relationship, you're already alone, best make it official and enjoy the bliss of life without this man.

The happiest section of society are childfree, single women.

Imagine the peace and joy you'll feel ridiculous of this bloke who serves no purpose other than wear and tear on your sofa.

You’ve got to dump this guy OP.

(that was meant to say *rid of the bloke.)

@ProperLavs I’m now sad reading your last posts. Unfortunately this has turned out like so many MN threads - you start with one thing (relationship with ex) but really this is the tip of the iceberg. What you’re really saying is that you’re settling for him because you’re worried that at your age you’ll end up alone so you’ve been putting up with your incompatibility and lack of affection. What can I say? You have probably got a good 35+ years left in you. You don’t want to spend them like this. You know that. As a woman , you’ll find it easier than me to find someone else, should you wish. But single is better than being with someone who doesn’t make you feel good! So it’s up to you - make a change , or check the TV guide.

I think it is really positive if an partner still keeps in touch with an ex or a friendly level. My husband still speaks very highly of his ex-wife and we send a Christmas card, that sort of thing. I'm still friends with my first ever boyfriend (friends for 25 years now) - his wife has just had their first baby so he's been asking for a bit of advice as I'm a mum of three. If an ex-partner is a decent person then why not? The relationship may not have worked, but you can still remain friendly.
If the ex's really don't like each other then it's worth taking the time to find out why rather than just take at face value what the new partner says about them. They will only of course "sell" you what they want you to hear before eventually revealing their true colours (positive or otherwise).

He is prioritising her and that is the issue here. He treats her to “dates” and you get the chores. He is unavailable to you but drops everything to meet her for lunch. I would be saying straight that you don’t like it and it’s not happening again if he wants to stay married to you. If he is furious, tough luck, he does have a choice here doesn’t he?!

you’ll get lots of people say you are unreasonable and it’s fine etc, but very few people would put up with this in real life. I certainly wouldn’t.

DH and I met 5 years after he divorced from his ex-wife. They never had children but were together for 10years (long distance over a 9hour time difference for 5 of those years and married for 4 years). When we met he was still in touch with her to "forward any mail and keep things civil in case he ever needed something from her admin-wise". I didn't like it but when he asked me to marry him one of the things I said I didn't want going forwards was for them to be in touch. So he stopped. We've been married 5 years this year and so far he's kept his word.

@WhatABigYikes What was it you didn't like about them staying in touch? Each to their own of course but husband and I are still friendly with exes and it doesn't bother us one bit. In fact, I think it's a good reflection of his character.

@everychildmatters I can freely admit it was insecurity.
In my experience any male friend I've had has ended up saying they liked me more than a friend or flirted and I just don't believe platonic friendship can exist. I suppose I worried especially where there was shared history it could get flirty if we ever went through a bad patch ourselves. I read lots on here where people turn to others for attention during a rough patch. I've only been married 5 years but I'm learning marriage IS hard and takes work and effort (we have a toddler and another on the way) and our relationship has been tested lots.

Ultimately, for the kind of person I am (an overthinker) it was the right decision. I think it's fine for others in their relationship of they're ok with it but it just wouldn't work for me. If DH had said he couldn't stop contact, I would've reconsidered going ahead with marriage because for me it is a deal breaker.

I think he’s got both of you on the go and sleeping with both of you . She’s not an ex if he still meets up with her for dates . He’s having his cake and eating it