How many of you have a partner- spouse who still sees an ex( no shared children or financial ties)?

[ProperLavs]

I was just wondering how common it is. If your partner is friends with an ex and sees them alone occasionally how do you feel about that? Have you been introduced etc? Trying to work out if I am being unreasonable in being uncomfortable .

He invests more time and energy into his relationship with her than he does with you. He goes out on nice dates with her that he doesn't do with you. He goes to her house but can't have lunch with you.

He would rather spend time with her than you.

She's the woman he prioritizes. You're the appliance partner, a convenience. That's why he gets mad and yells when you bring this up. You're supposed to be happy with crumbs from his primary relationship and that is his with her and if you're not you're malfunctioning.

I would have been out of there a long time ago.

Being friends with an ex is tricky for sure - I'm sort of on the other side of it from you and I sometimes feel uncomfortable as hell. She'll talk with me, see me, when her current bf is unavailable. Ask me to go on day trips with her and her kid (which I've turned down). I know she has no romantic feelings at all - and I couldn't have any for her either. So it's harmless? Ish....
I suspect your partner is sort of like me - finds it difficult to say no if ex asks for something, even though we both know we're being used to fill in time, do something useful, whatever. In my case I have actually met him - though not sure if he knows if I'm an ex or just ex colleague! I guess the main difference in situations is that I know she wouldn't give time to me rather than spend it with him - he's always the priority. So in your shoes yes, I would also be pissed off if doing something with his ex (however harmless) was at the expense of doing something together. Let's hope she does move soon - or finds herself somebody else.

I wouldn’t get involved in that scenario

DH and I have been together for a long time. He's not in touch with his ex any more, but he was for the first few years we were together. It didn't bother me.

But as others have said, it's not the fact that he is still friends with her. It's that he does things with or for her which he doesn't do for you. That would make me really sad.

He doesn’t see her that often any more- a handful of times a year. I have no idea how often they message but I know that they do.
When I first started seeing I had a male friend , a good friend at the time, completely plutonic. This friend ha d a wife that I was also friends with and I would see them together and separately. All above board.
my OH was not comfortable with my friendship with male friend so I cut it right back, without getting angry or defensive- I did it out of respect for his feelings.
This is someone I had never been intimate with and never fancied. Unlike his ex.

Why on earth are you putting up with this level of disrespect? Please don't say you live together and you do everything for him? You need to end this relationship, it will eat away at you. He treats you with contempt. He treats her better than he treats you. He will not change, because he doesn't care about your feelings. You can't 'talk' or counsel someone into respecting you or caring about your feelings. Stop wasting time and energy on this low value man

One day you will leave him, then you'll shake your head at what you put up with from this loser. I hope you do that soon.

I don’t. I’d never be comfortable with that either. And I wouldn’t expect him to be. It’s BS when people say it’s ok, there’s always something there, there was and there always will be. So a hard No no way no chance it’s not happening, from me.

Yes, and quite 'familiar' with 2 of the 4, in a kind of sibling teasing way. It's a reflection of our previous closeness and isn't destined to lead anywhere. We are exes for a reason!
Of the other 2, one is a very normal friendship and the other is a colossal knob.

I can see why you are upset though! She does seem to have flown in from nowhere and your partner is making a fuss of her.

Can you go away for a break with friends, just ramp up your self-sufficiency and self-love for a bit? I'd never advocate a taste of his own medicine, but... absence and space can make him realise what he's got. Also, they are exes for a reason

this thread has been very helpful to me - so thank you all for your thoughts.
I was expecting to be to be told to grow up tbh.
it has helped me work out what it is that I am uncomfortable about.
If is the subversive nature of it. He knows that I am not happy about their relationship/ friendship yet he continues. Like in Tuesday he suddenly sprung it on me that she had expensive tickets to the opera . I don’t believe she suddenly asked him and it happened to be his day off work.
What I would like is for reassurance rather than being met with anger and being told I need to talk to a counsellor. He makes it all about him and how hurt he feels at my lack of trust and how he can’t do anything right. I would like him to arrange for her to finally meet me and see me as a real person.
I highly suspect also that he is on the autistic spectrum and have for years.
He is amazed at the moment that his best friend’s long term relationship has ended. He was probably another man who couldn’t read the signs.
i don’t feel like I want to see him at all at them money as I feel really dismissed.

No we don’t live together.

Normally I'd say YABU, as I have an ex whom I see as a friend and my partner is fine with it. I always tell her when I'm going to have lunch with my ex, and she'd be welcome to come except that she doesn't like her, so leaves me to it! BUT this seems like a really different situation from yours, so for the first time ever on a thread like this I am going to say YANBU at all to be unhappy about what he's doing.

Next time he tells you that you need to see a counsellor, maybe agree with him and organise a couples counselling session to talk this through.

They are both being VVU about this. I’ve just posted about being friends with my exs on another post. BUT, I welcome my partner meeting them. We’ve socialised together, same with my exs and their partners sometimes. Any time I’ve spent time with one of them on own (gig or something) it’s with an open invite to the other partner.

Thank you for that perspective. Those of you who meet with an ex seem to always offer inclusion with the current partner- everything is out in the open. That is one of main issues with them.
I am feeling really angry .

How are you feeling @ProperLavs ? You deserve to be cherished and priioristed in a relationship. He is making you feel like an inconvenience and an outsider in your own life. I really hope you send him packing. He will not change, he shuts down all discussion about anything he doesn't want to hear.

Choose yourself, respect yourself.

Thanks for checking in . We had the biggest row we have ever had last night. Tiredness and wine didn’t help. I don’t know whether this can be sorted out. He is adamant that he keeps this friendship but it ok with me being invited along to any meetings they have.
He also hasn’t told her that I am unhappy with the situation. I got that information by his silence and him trying to change the subject. He actually said he was refusing to answer because it was irrelevant.

Theres a lot in your posts that make me very uncomfortable with this friendship.

I’m going to shorten this but I was VERY cool wife about my husband having female friends and being close to his ex who he used to see on a 1:1 basis.

BUT when he had an affair (years ago now) with a work colleague and the only one he told was the ex, because he knew that she was the only one of his friends (male or female) who would support him and validate what he was doing, which she did in bucket loads, I read things from her that still hurt me today. I had only ever been friendly and kind to her,

I saw the error of my ways.

She may have been his friend but she was NEVER going to be a friend of our marriage and that made her not a good friend for him or us.

Totally different view now.

Came over to say exactly this, with bells on.
I would leave them to it. He doesn't deserve to be your DP, he doesn't treat you with respect, you are just convenient option for him right now.
Why did they break up?

“outerspacepotato · Yesterday 12:51
He invests more time and energy into his relationship with her than he does with you. He goes out on nice dates with her that he doesn't do with you. He goes to her house but can't have lunch with you.
He would rather spend time with her than you.
She's the woman he prioritizes. You're the appliance partner, a convenience. That's why he gets mad and yells when you bring this up. You're supposed to be happy with crumbs from his primary relationship and that is his with her and if you're not you're malfunctioning.
I would have been out of there a long time ago.
Came over to say exactly this, with bells on.
I would leave them to it. He doesn't deserve to be your DP, he doesn't treat you with respect, you are just convenient option for him right now.
Why did they break up?”

I agree with this. It’s not obvious why you’re holding on to this relationship. He doesn’t treat you very well.

I asked him that. He refused to tell me. I also told him a lot of what was said on this thread. I didn’t mention the thread but it helped to have points to bring up.
i told him it wasn’t normal to have an ex you see and not have you current partner involved. That he was keeping us separate, that he had 2 women- at least on an emotional level.
so whilst I do not think there is anything physical- I do think there is a huge emotional attachment.
She is single from what a I can gather.
I tried to get him to see things from my POV and how his behaviour was hurtful.
They split up years and years ago. I think he was very emotionally reliant on her. He lived with her briefly after they were just friends. He had a depressive episode and needed support .

My ex - who was very abusive in many ways- and the father to my children- used to use his ex and other women as a way to make me feel insecure. So I am extra twitchy on this area anyway.

Yes. I was seeing someone for a few years who did this, and also the anger when asked about it. We’ve broken up now (not because of that specifically, but just because he wasn’t kind enough overall) and honestly it was like a breath of fresh air not to have to deal with the pain of it or pretend it was normal. I’m actually quite traumatised by it I realise, and am still recovering. With him it was two exes (one of whom he had a “completely normal” text convo with over valentines evening and the other of whom he went on holiday with), and also a host of very attractive colleagues who were “completely above board.” And they were in the technical sense. I’ll never forget his smug angry face telling me I was paranoid and controlling and that he’d never stop being friends with them. Well, he can feast on his avoidant harem to his heart’s content now.

My current boyfriend, otoh, handles it all perfectly and the change is huge. I’d never live like that again. Incidentally, I too was just out of an abusive/gaslighting relationship when I got together with man 1.

@AnnaFromNextdoor that sounds horrible and rather familiar.
valantines day texting. That is really awful.
interestijng re the abusive and gaslighting ex you and I both have.
my partner is hugely avoidant.
This ex his has staff access to a famous local opera which has a summer season. Picnic on lawns at interval time etc. That is what they did on Weds.
it doesn’t happen often but that’s not the point. She shouldn’t have asked him and he should have told her how I feel. I think she has no clue that there is an issue or maybe she does and doesn’t care.

Some men can be like this, its like an ego boost to them having the 2 women arguing over each other. You shouldn't accept second best. Dump him and let him get on with it with her. You're allowing it to continue. He knows you'll get annoyed but he doesn't respect your relationship enough to care.

Yes. One of my colleagues was having an affair at Glyndeborne. The magic of the setting, the nice outfits, etc. It’s a way to have a perfect and magical pretend-couple feeling away from everyday life. With the women my avoidant ex associated with… I eventually worked out they also had troubled attachments. Eventually the valentines texter got together with someone and he was a huge drinker and much older etc. I could see they were all stuck in weird codependencies, probably learnt in childhood.

I’m not trying to upset you. But like me you deserve better.

Well my dp has a female ‘best friend’ he claims nothing has ever happened with , but it took 2 years for him to introduce me to her and that was because I demanded it and their friendship had caused arguments (cancelling of plans with me for her etc) .
the fact you haven’t met her is a huge red flag op.
we all have our boundaries and I would not be happy with this, if I ever find out my dp and his friend have ever been more than friends I will end it .